The great tragedy of my fanfiction WIPs is the time I started writing a very expansive and elaborate Hogwarts AU of Homestuck and got roughly 15k words in before remembering I really don’t want to be associated with That Fucking Author.
That being said, I spent a stupid amount of time rereading Doc Scatch’s dialogues to write the intro, so I’m excerpting it below. Vindicate my suffering, I beg of you - and weep, all ye who read, for what could have been.
(Except TERFS, who should not bother interacting at all. It will be unpleasant for all involved).
[o]Sorting hat => introduce yourself
I am what you, dear reader, might recognise as the SORTING HAT.
Crisp-white and dapper despite my immense age, I am nonetheless made of an unpleasantly frictive cloth - one might say SCRATCHY, hoo hoo. When it comes to CATEGORISING STUDENTS, I could be considered a professional. My unique talents in LEGILIMENCY and OMNISCIENCE make me an ideal candidate for the role of excavating these children’s minds, rather like a muggle psychiatrist. In fact, if one were feeling gregarious, they might might call me a DOCTOR, hee hee.
I will now explain the joke. My use of ‘DOCTOR’ and ‘SCRATCHY’ closely parallels my appellation in alternate worlds. I am aware of this, although you may not be. It’s hardly your fault, reader; for you are not DOC SCRATCH, and thus lack omniscience.
Continuing onwards. I am a gentleman, although I have a tendency to RATTLE ON. Ho ho. Anyhow, when it comes to my SCHOLASTIC DUTY, I show remarkable talent in observing the ASPECTS of each child I meet, hee hee, although I find myself with significantly less choice than I am accustomed to. A decrease of 33.3%, to be precise.
In the immortal words of one Carl Kinsella, HIVEWARTS largely operates with four categories of children: ‘brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.’ This is amusing, as the original premise this fiction is based on showed clear faults in its depictions of academia, esteemed reader. I do not endorse this claims, although I will allow myself a genteel chuckle, for I am a courteous hat.
Because of my incomparable knowledge, I have much to say on the fascinating, arbitrary divisions the Wizarding World in these tales suffers. Does the vilification of Slytherin house not show a larger cultural fear of ambition and cunning amongst you? The answer, of course, is yes. In fact, the…
[read more]
Ah, you’ve put a [read more] bracket in, presumably in despair of my lengthy dissection of the HIVEWARTS houses. This is unnecessary; even as I detailed the minutiae of each category, I was aware of this plan, and so have removed it all from the text. If you doubt me - which I cannot advise - do click that bracket. It will not work, and all you’ve done is create a lengthy aside of little relevance to the average reader, which was, of course, what you sought to prevent.
The limits of your wisdom must be frustrating. From my near-limitless comprehension, I can observe your lack thereof: ignorant to the past, to the present, and to the future. Fear not, for I will dole sweet morsels of knowledge to you like candy from a bowl - but as for the conclusion of this tale? The shifting tide of growth, the tangled webs of friendships, the looming shadow of a familiar foe? Well, reader, you know nothing of that. And I am far too wise to spoil it for you.
For all your naivety, there are certain factoids you are aware of. For example, at this point, you might suggest I should really be singing an introduction to a cluster of just-germinated seeds, rather than elegantly chronicling my own musings. This is foolish of you, although understandable; for I am the HIVEWARTS hat, and multitasking is close amongst my face-up cards. Were you of my calibre, you would already be aware of my song, but you ultimately refused yourself that experience when you truncated my speech above.
Fortunately, I already knew this would happen, and so put very little effort into the song. My talent in that area could be pronounced lacking, which you might attribute to my corporeal vessel of felt. Aha, reader, for you have forgotten - my very essence is fabric and felt, whether I be cue or cap. I am changeless in that regard. And, of all the things I am, a singer is not one of them, although on occasion I will engage in a recreational round of fiddle. Hoo hoo, hee hee!
This, reader, is entertaining due to my status as a ‘devil’ allegory. The Devil is commonly associated with fiddling, although my talent is such that a loss to ‘Johnny’ is incredibly unlikely. Nonexistent, in fact.
In fact is the category I stay firmly planted in, it should be said. To you, who has come expecting epics of fantasy and intrigue - which, fear not, shall unspool deliciously - you may assume that my words are of speculation, or prophecy. This is incorrect. Divination is not, as they say, ‘my bag’; I deal with truth, truth that has yet to unfold - and yet, as I am saying this, it has! Just not for you, reader. You, I’m afraid, will just have to pace yourself.
Stuffing yourself with candy, as we both know, only leads to regret.
Later, you will be - are - returning to these words, intrigued, then suspicious, and then likely with satisfaction. But do not forget, reader, that knowledge is infinite, and you have only ever a finite capacity for it.
Unfortunately, another quantity you have only a dwindling supply of is time. And your allotment for enlightenment is drawing to a close, for now, the sorting begins.
Hee hee!
(I also wrote 16 goddamn characters getting sorted with backstories and conversation with Scratch, and established the ancestors/guardians in the universe. Give me my time back, foolish me from a year ago).