#hjjc

[called-shotgun]

I will heal someday. Maybe it will take more than days, more than my time on this Earth to fully heal. Maybe I won't at all, but all that matters it that I don't dream of you anymore. I do wake up crying but my meds stop me from recalling what I dreamt of. I don't fear to fall asleep anymore. I miss your time-consuming presence, I can't miss you anymore, no matter how much I try. I've spent way too many days starving and harming myself to walk back into the toxic fumes you used to breathe into my lungs. I thought it was love, but I learned that love is not supposed to feel like a wrench clenching your heart. Love wasn't supposed to stop me from functioning.  I've learned over the years of hurtful words and hateful lashes that love is peace of the mind. You pushed me to the edge and I thought it was romantic to jump. As I fell head first, you watched and you were impressed. Not of me, but of your own self. You were impressed that you could make a girl crash into the abyss. Now all of you must be wondering who 'you' is- it's all of you. It's all the men that beat me to the ground so I couldn't get back up. It's all the men that made me think I was disposable. It's all the men that replaced me with something shinier because I lost my glow trying to shine their lives. It's to all the men that dared to step into my life and ran away in fear after they learned I am a dragon breathing fire. You cannot love an enigma, you cannot fuck a deity. I was a God and you entered a temple and dared to ruin it. I remain an angry God, I remain infuriated. The anger is what heals me because, for the first time in my life, I'm starting to realize that I was promised much more than this pain.

6.18.2017 penelope

[called-shotgun]

is this how you get back at me for making you leave? by haunting me with pleasant dreams of you? by making me wake to realize that they could've been real if it weren't for my destructive nature?

eggs and bacon and everything in between

[called-shotgun]

I saw you in my sleep and I guess that's psychic projection because I saw someone who's dead to me.

a whole year and half later

[called-shotgun]

i tried to water the fucking dead flower back to life but i realized keeping it laminated and stuck between a book i love rereading is so much more comforting

eggs and bacon and everything in between

[called-shotgun]

when my eyes are open i am in love and fighting strong with the demons but once i close my eyes, they all come back. you come back

eggs and bacon and everything in between

[yumbadgermilk-blog]

First TV appearance for one of my cuts!!! My Homie Jake came in earlier this week so he could look good officiating the Ken Shamrock fight on @spiketv tonight. @bellatormma #bellator149 #mateotxbarber #crispfamilia #srysoblurry #mma #hjjc

[called-shotgun]

while i was with you, i learned a lot. i learned i was beautiful. i learned that i was “just fine”. i learned how to accept my flaws. i learned how to love my flaws. i learned how to feel perfect. i learned that it was okay to be a little sick, maybe even more than a little. i learned that i am lovable and lovely. i learned that my passion was admirable. i learned that i could be somebody’s dream and future like you were mine. i learned that mutual feelings could cause sparks brighter than our entire galaxy. i learned that tears were a lot more beautiful than cheesy flicks make them seem. i learned how to look at myself through the eyes of absolute adoration and love. in the blink of an eye, i had learned all those things that i have been struggling to master all my life. when you left, it wasn’t just you. the hardest part was something else. it wasn’t just the lonely nights with missing messages and phonecalls, it wasn’t just the lack of laughter and anticipation in my life, it wasn’t just the shock of my passion dwindling for the first time in my life, it wasn’t just my new medications, it wasn’t just my brand new habit with alcohol, it wasn’t just my expanded struggle with weight. the hardest part about you leaving was that you left with all the knowledge, understanding, and memories of what i have learned while i was with you. you left me a disabled mess that even i could not stand. i can not live with myself and you walked out alive.

eggs and bacon and everything in between

[called-shotgun]

i started a new diary for a new year and i’m noticing a lot has changed about me. handwriting, my focuses in life, maybe even my level of maturity has altered within the year. one thing, however, hasn’t changed since last april and that would be my feelings for you, not even a bit. i don’t know if i should award myself for consistency and loyalty or shame myself for being vulnerable and pathetic. time has passed and you’ve moved on but im still dragging along a past that wishes to be left there.

eggs and bacon and everything in between