(00:00am)
PLAY : Ride - HYBS [ spotify // youtube ]
It’s almost midnight. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be left alone again. It hurts like crazy. Why can’t I just have someone with me whenever nightmares come or whenever I need cuddles? I often question why it was hard for them to stay. Was I not enough? Was I too weird? Was I too clingy? I never seem to find an answer to my questions as they linger around me every single minute of the day. Every time they left, the other side of the bed would always feel cold.
I’ve always imagined the other side would be warm just like sunshines and laundry being hung outside in the sun in the countryside with flowers swaying right and left. They always leave before the morning comes. This is what my life looks like. Everyone leaves, no one ever stays and I’ve learned that it’s the best for my fragile heart. When will I ever stop feeling like this? I just want to be cared for. Why is it that I always have to put in some effort? Why is it that I’m always the one giving? Why am I not receiving anything? At least a little bit of love and care, that’s all I ask for. It’s not much, but it’s so hard.
But he’s different. He didn’t leave. Jaehyun didn’t leave before the sun rose. He stayed with me. I woke up feeling the other side of the bed warm just how I described it. In fact, he had breakfast with me. He had breakfast with me. It took me a while to accept that for once, someone is staying. Someone is staying for me. They made an effort for me. They’re giving me something. I’m receiving something. For once, I’m on the receiving end. I couldn’t help but smile and keep my sobs in.
But it was too soon for me to believe that this would be permanent. What if he’s staying out of habit? What if he’s staying because he felt pity towards me? What if he’s staying because he felt the need to? Not that he wanted to but he felt as if he was forced to? I didn’t want Jaehyun to feel that way. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to stay. He had to stay out of pity. But then again, people said “if he wanted to, he would.” And at that moment, a light bulb appeared. It doesn’t matter if he was ‘forced’ to stay or not, what matters is that he’s still here. With that, I shall make the most out of it.
“Just do it. Go for it.” I said to myself. “Don’t think about what comes after or what came before.” Here goes nothing. I tried opening my mouth, still hesitating to say those words that I long for. Jaehyun noticed how hesitant I was and he knew that I wanted to say something. This is the time, right now, just say it– I kept telling myself. You got this, I whispered to myself like a mantra.
Inhale… exhale… you got this. We both started to talk at the same time that made us burst into a fit of laughter. It looks like a lover’s laugh. Except we weren't lovers. He let me speak my mind first as a gentleman he is and-
“Would you like to have a homemade lunch with me?”, I softly inquired of him while looking down on the palms of my hands. Without a doubt, he immediately chimed a loud yes. Well, scratch that, he said yes, so loud that my home phone rang, signalling the lobby’s call to inform me of my ‘loudness’.
I was glad I went out of my comfort zone. I should speak up whenever something’s bothering me or when I want my opinions to be heard. I told Jaehyun that he didn’t need to help me chop the vegetables, but he insisted so I just let him do whatever he wants. It felt amazing. Being with someone. He’s so sweet for always helping out. It felt so domestic.
As I placed the last dish on the table, he whipped out his phone then took a flat lay of the dishes we created for lunch. My lips curved upon seeing his action. The lunch ended on a good note and we were able to talk about everything. It feels like fate. It feels like destiny.
We never know what will happen in the future but at least we tried our best. Just hope for the best.
love,
heartj4yn0.
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