“No! It’s different for you, you don’t know what it’s like…”
canon / au — present ( accepting with terms & conditions )
THE LAND OF tears is such a mysterious place. And even for the male she spent her 3 a.m.’s for, there were places she still haven’t ventured out — not that she ever wanted to as she would much rather avoid this unholy land — yet here she was, right beside him, her frost nipped hands holding his trembling palms, with words of encouragement — or rather, words of pain on her side — slipping out of her mouth as if she were waves crashing on his pier.
and even then, she still wondered just when could she ever resist his honey coated words and stardust covered eyes, or on more occasions these days, glass coated eyes always in tears over the girl he adored, perhaps more than life itself. a girl whose eyes shone in glistening moonlight and a girl whose laughter made flower blooms on most occasions.
and of course, a girl that wasn’t her.
maybe it wasn’t just her — perhaps all of us, at one point of our short lived lives were attracted to those we couldn’t have, and perhaps that’s why she fell for the temptation he was, and despite knowing that he was too in love with her to even notice her mere existence, other than certain occasions such as this — when he needed her, not that she minded, for, at the very least, she was graced by his presence — she was too in love with him to even notice the pouring rain dawning on her horizon.
she should’ve warned herself to stay away from his tsunamis, waves after waves — from the first time he flashed his pearly white smile at her and he laughed at one of the jokes she let slip from her mouth the first time, and by god, the first time were the easiest, the first time she came to visit his flower shop, a spare money on her hand and clouds of thoughts clouding her head, those clouds were still made of jeon jeongguk, but perhaps people changed and she was as flimsy as a paper whooshing around to either direction the wind blows and perhaps he wasn’t just a tsunami, he was a hurricane and it didn’t took long before she let herself swayed on towardd his direction.
and despite she, herself knowing that she wasn’t the type of girl people fall in love with — not that the thoughts of “what-ifs” and “buts” managed to escape from her thoughts she never fathomed into her manmade constellations as she laid awake in bed, arms gripping tightly on her sheets, fingers clawing what was left of the thin flimsy fabric, and mouth trembling over words choked over her own sobs on why she could never be the object of his affections and despite her knowing that she could wrote an essay on why she wasn’t enough to be the one he sang his midnight lullabies too, to be the one he opened the doors too, and to be the one he thought of as he laid in bed at night mouth curled up wide over the enormity of what he he felt, perhaps that wasn’t enough.
and even then, her tsunamis wasn’t enough to sprinkle even the littlest bit of water towards his universe of beaches.
and perhaps that’s why he said that she never understood.
“no! it’s different for you, you don’t know what it’s like…” he muttered, the last words might as well be unheard of as it were choked by his own tears dripping on his cheeks as he bit his lips trembling trying to control the waterfall — not that he could, not that anybody could for she knew full well what it was like to be in that position.
she wondered what part she did not understood.
she wondered where, just out of all the maps of his cities did she get herself lost in this atrocity.
did he meant that she did not understood what was it like to feel unloved? she shook her head once the thought appeared on her head, for she knew full well what it was like to feel unloved, perhaps now, perhaps then, perhaps somewhere in the future, but she knew what was it like to stayed up awake at night arms trembling in fear over the consciousness over your physical and mental inferiority over the person who appeared in your dreams with drops of jupiters in their hair, so that thought was scratched of as quickly as it came.
did he meant that she did not understood what was it like to have your heartbroken? this time, it took her awhile before she managed to even answer to the thoughts that constantly nags over the back of her head, and the answer would be another head shake followed by a bitter smile because perhaps somewhere back then she understood — but turns out she did not.
she did not understand what was it like to stood alone in the middle of the night, smoke coming out of her mouth as she followed and gazed about the way it took form before it dissipate in the air hoping each and every puff would be a ticket closer to meet her favourite celebrity also known as the god of death and perhaps breathing in fire was more painful than sleeping and perhaps somewhere beneath the ground she would found solace, as she lay underneath with the thoughts of cigarette stamps who burned their way into her heart before it fell apart leaving a mark — a hole from a cigarette — no longer filled but emptied leaving you with nothing but the dark.
oh wait, she did.
he was the thoughts that kept her awake at night and he was the thought that slipped into her mind as she stood on the edge of the balcony with the two arms spread wide as the wind blew on her hair as she giggled over her wishful thinking on what it would like to fly side by side with him only to have it crashing down the instance she knew she was never — and would never be the girl of his daydreams.
so taking into accounts that the feeling of a hand gripping onto your chest would be defined as a heartbreak, that part was a no, too. as after the wind stopped and the moon said their greetings she was left on the edge of the bed trying to clutch herself for her own sanity that time would heal all wound and there would come a time where she would stare at the sky and think of someone else — though that time certainly wouldn’t come that soon.
the girl blinked as she hoped that somewhere in the great perhaps her train of thoughts would pace a little bit faster until she knew what part did she not understand before the tears trailing down his cheeks would be enough for a small seed to crackle their ways through the ground before it blossomed into a tree — until she blinked as her thoughts were abruptly stopped before the edge of her lips curled up in a small smile not to visible for him to see, but distinct enough to show that she felt somewhat accomplished.
she knew what part she did not understood of him — she understood where in between their pages did she lost the words as she found herself re-reading the chapter they were in again before she stumbled on the words where he found himself at before she continued to pace a little bit faster leaving him pondering over his own thoughts as she made a mad dash towards their next pages.
he did not understand what was it like to be graced by his presence — he did not know what it feels like to look at himself and see millions of bubbles bursting in the air just like how her heart would pound faster as soon as she saw him as there were millions, no, infinite amount of things she could fall in love with. yesterday she fell in love with how beautiful his eyes were and how they crinkle in the corners when he looked at her and smiled, and today she fell in love with how warm his hands felt like when they’re wrapped around hers, rubbing the tips of her fingers, and even then, she still found millions of things she loved about the way he would fall asleep slowly, then all at once.
they were on the wrong pages for after all this while, he did not understood what it felt like to know that he was endlessly fascinating — and on her part, she understood that she was hopelessly boring and he was endlessly fascinating and she knew where she went wrong and in beneath all those whispered words surrounded by freesias he forgot to notice the daffodils blooming in her heart just as how he overlooked himself in the mirror and perhaps he thought to lowly of himself as he let the rain poured down on the ground.
he did not understood what it felt like to look at himself and see poetry.
but she did.
and somewhere amidst her infinite chaos she managed to dig deeper on to the cause and effect of why he was an infinite amount of possibilities and how he was exploding like the galaxy but he managed to overlook it.
hence, she answered, voice just as shaky as his, “you’re right, i don’t.” she shook her head as she let an air out of her nose before she smiled as she dragged her hands over his face as he turned around to stare at her as she stared at him back — and at that moment she knew why the white rabbit mentioned that infinity could be anywhere in between an hour to one second and this second would be where her infinity lies.
“i don’t know what it feels like to look at you and see someone you see yourself as,” she paused before she continued as she raised her palms over his cheeks as she wiped more tears that still managed to snuggle their way in, “someone hopelessly boring, because all i could see is someone endlessly fascinating, and yes, on that note, i don’t understand what it feels like.”
he looked up to stare at her as words were about to leave his mouth before she shut him out with a soft chuckle as she ran a hand through his hair hoping it would soothe his heartache even just by the slightest. “i don’t understand what it feels like to look at you and see nothing because i only know what it feels like to look at you and see everything.” everything i need.
“so based on that observation i made, you, someone endlessly fascinating, would be best paired with someone like her, so don’t fret and just chase after her as fast as you can, ok?”
as on another observation i made, you, someone endlessly fascinating, would be too much of an infinite jest to be paired with someone like me.