#hnobody

[hnobody]

a concept

i’m wine-buzzed, watching green day videos and reading bukowski

[hnobody]

NEW TATTOO ALERT!!!!!!

[hnobody]

I made a really nice bun but you can’t tell

[hnobody]

can honestly say I've never been this stressed in my life. like I'm at the point where I don't even want to leave the house because I'm so stressed. if ya have anything de-stress tips, please send them my way, I'm BEGGING!!!

[hnobody]

i’m not feeling normal right now and to be honest i haven’t felt normal in a long time. maybe ever. i’m having so many urges and cravings and i can’t make them stop, no matter how hard i try to distract myself.

[hnobody]

Also, I took some shit selfiez earlier today because I can and my hair is also much longer than I realized. Forgive my puffy face and messy room & overall messy and puffy life.

[hnobody]

1:37 am, 02/23/16

Here I am, sitting in a slightly chilly dorm room, alone, thinking of everything. I’ve almost finished Lena Dunham’s memoir, Not That Kind of Girl, and the section I read today dealt with death and its’ effect on people. I’ve always had thoughts about death. You know, those thoughts that you have, when you think about your own funeral, and how people would react to your untimely death. I used to think about that all the time. Now, I think about those very close to me dying and it physically makes me ill. I have to make myself stop thinking about it. The idea of losing someone forever is a tragedy that I wish I could postpone until I was way older and knew that I would be able fully handle it. 

Also, it’s an odd concept that just a few years ago, I was thinking about how death was the ultimate goal. I strictly believed that the only thing I had going for me was death. I craved the finish. The end was appealing. All I wanted was for everything to cease and I could slip into that eternal sleep and no one would shed a tear. Everyone would just know that it was for the best.

Now, however, death is my ultimate fear. Even though death is imminent, part of me still feels as if I can somehow cheat it. I can find a way to get around it, and hopefully bring along those closest to me and we can spend our days reading bland novels with meager insight, watching cult 90′s movies, and listening to Father Figure by George Michael on a solid loop. Alas, that must be saved for dreams. 

This didn’t really go anywhere. I guess my point is that death is a thing and that thing can’t really be stopped, both when we want it to stop and when we don’t. I don’t really know. Death is confusing.

[hnobody]

Also, since the clock struck midnight five minutes ago, I've officially been 1 year free of any behavioral medication and I'm feeling better than ever. Things get better. Life gets better. Patience. Love. Love all.