Mr. Friend
Other than my very-best-guy-friend Damian, I spend a lot of time with Mr. Friend. When we were in seventh grade, at our friend Jennifer’s Bat Mitzvah, we played spin the bottle and he refused to kiss me because I was not popular. It turned me off from him forever, so we were safe to be just friends and I wasn’t physically attracted to him anyway.
When I arrive in Los Angeles, I receive a call from Mr. Magnum, yelling at me,
“What the HELL have you done to Mr. Friend?”
Oh man. I heard. Turns out all these years, Mr. Friend may have been holding a bit of a torch. Who knew?
Just before I left, we went to dinner and he insisted that my move was “hasty (it wasn’t)” and I should have “waited for him (I didn’t want to).” I assured him that we would never be more than friends and he spent the next few weeks tweeting about “not letting the one you love get away.”
Mr. Magnum is FUMING.
“Did you have sex with your cousin Erik?”
What?? Now I am confused.
“What about the hot guy from the pizza place?”
I start laughing. This line of questioning is so ridiculous; it’s more funny than disturbing to me.
“Mr. Magnum, about what are you even talking?”
“When we were dating, how many other people were you seeing?”
“No one else, why? I really liked you! I had no idea what happened.”
“What happened was I was looking for a wife and I love my wife now and I never would’ve met her if we hadn’t broken up, but I had planned to marry you and Mr. Friend told me you were fu*king everyone so I disappeared.”
"Wait, WHAT?"
Mr. Magnum and I stay on the phone for a long time. It seems likely that Mr. Friend has told a lot of guys this. Mr. Magnum had confirmation from at least two others who had been impacted, and I’d had sex with no one.
I asked him why he didn’t just ask me and he said that he didn’t think Mr. Friend would make something like that up and that it was too late, he’d already planted a seed that was impossible for him to get out of his head.
Suddenly my sixth date curse totally made sense – it was around the time I introduced the new guy to my friends. Holy Moly.
Friendship Adjourned.