#holdingmyownhand

[wakemewhendinnerisready]

Saving Yourself

I just have to keep holding my own hand.

I have to keep pushing myself forward to understand the feeling of living.

To understand what it's like taking a fresh breath without exhaustion following.

Removing the warm fuzzy blankets from my body when the sun shines through my windows needs to be with purpose.

I need the motivation that swings my legs around the side of the bed, letting my feet come in contact with the ice cold wooden floors.

Right now I am too stuck in my own head, running solely off my imagination.

My impulsive thoughts have control of my wheel.

I am stuck on this ride, strapped into a rollercoaster that only stops once my heart-line does.

Once I take my last breath and my eye lids become too heavy.

Yet I don’t want my story to say I just took my seatbelt off and jumped off my ride.

I want it to say that I gripped the rubber handle in front of me and existentially rode through my spiraling death.

I just have to keep holding my own hand.

[colour-mequeer]

I'm going to be up all night making cupcakes for GSA tomorrow , but secretly they are being made because the loveliest girl I have ever met is leaving our school Thursday to go to a different one and this is her last GSA with us. :(

I am going to miss her so much. 

[colour-mequeer]

Dear bestfriend,

I have more than one best friend so I'll just do a mini thing for each of them because I can't just pick one.

1. Caitlin, you are a real piece of work and I'm getting tired of you. You complain nobody hangs out with you , but I try to make plans and you always have an excuse as to why you don't want to leave your house, so fuck you. You want to hang out you make an effort even though I'll probably be busy with school work when you decide to do anything. I'm not going to let you hold me back I'm only 16 and I have dreams for myself , you're almost 19 and you'll probably never be anything because you don't try. 

2. Jazmin, you're my tumblr best friend and I love you and I can talk to you about anything and I trust you, and you don't judge me and you make me feel like an actual person and you're awesome. 

3. Bryan, We've had our ups and downs and you've made me cry a ton of times mostly because you've worried me, but I can talk to you about anything and you've been there for me through some pretty dark times and I appreciate it. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you to bring me to my senses. So, you're amazing, I love you , and thanks. 

4. Michaela, You're amazing and I love you and we have the best taste in music. You always make me laugh and I'm glad we became friends because you accept me for who I am and make me feel good. You're always there for me and I know I can talk to you about things and you won't judge me because you get the things I deal with and I love you a lot. 

5. Sariena, well let's see we're married again. I can talk to you about a lot of things like women and gay men in speedos. Those pictures you send me in chat are scary, you're my stripper and you're name is strawberry lushcake. I'm mean to you sometimes, but you know I'm only kidding, because that's how I am. You're great and I love you.

6. Sam, You're great and we've had our fair share of awkward moments like: the bathroom or health class when we both cried and looked like sea creatures or some shit. You're beautiful and have amazing taste in music and you tell the most non-funny jokes.

7. Sydney, you're amazing and hilarious. You're poetry is amazing and makes me doubt my own abilities. You're a lovely human and I can talk to you about anything and you just make my days so much better and when you leave I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I don't know what I'm going to do without you at school and I love you and I'm glad I got the chance to meet you.

8. Jared, you can be a real dick , but I love you to death because you have my back and I know that you're more than just a macho douche bag. People get the wrong impression of you and hate you, but oh well. I like when we have our deep conversations because it makes me realize that you trust me as much as I trust you.

[colour-mequeer]

So, this is going to be a post about a really amazing person I know.

I met her sometime last year when I went to a high school in the middle of nowhere. I didn't know anybody and all I knew was that she was in quite a few of my classes. She was so out there and seemed pretty amazing. I was glad when we started talking , but you know I never really thought anything would come from it. But, I'm glad I was wrong. She's honestly become one of the only real friends I have now and I really think of her as a best friend. She was one of the first people that I wanted to read the poems I wrote. She was one of the people that made and still makes school bearable. She's always so hyper and just does not give a single fuck about what people have to say about it. She's honestly one of the greatest people that has ever entered my life because I trust her and know I can actually talk to her if I ever need it. This is all awkward sounding and shit , but you know what I don't care because I love her to death and I want her to know how much her friendship actually means to me. I want her to know how much her being in my life makes it less horrible and trust me it's pretty hellish. So, yeah. You're amazing and just remember I care about you a whole lot.