December 10: “Mistletoe Magic” (Tubi)
Summary: Beautiful meteorologist and Your LL Bean Boyfriend go on a Christmas scavenger hunt. Also, Brad SUCKS.
I would give this movie props for having our leading lady in a STEM field, but I’d have to immediately rescind them, as we never once hear about her scientific work outside of mentioning that it’s the reason she’s so grumpy. Also, “local news meteorologist” is as close to “journalist” as you can get without just being a TV reporter, so it’s low-effort on the part of the writers.
The movie opens on our leading lady Harper, played by Jessica Sipos, complaining about Christmas while covering the weather at a skating rink. This is to establish that Harper is a Grinch who hates holidays, happiness, and cheer. She argues with her sound guy about how people who believe in Christmas magic are silly when he tries to get her to admit that snow is formed by Christmas magic. (This rubbed me the wrong way because, frankly, snow is an amazing feat of nature and science, and Christmas magic should not get credit for it). She then has an embarrassing interaction with a group of adorable white children to establish that she’s NOT Good With Kids, but this never matters again in the movie so I imagine they just included it to confirm her Grinch status. She then has a phone argument with Brad, her coworker/boyfriend who SUCKS, because he forgot that he’s supposed to meet her parents tonight and he’s at work at the newsdesk instead.
Harper gets to her family home by herself and hangs out with her BFF/neighbor Elle. They realize that - gasp! - Elle has accidentally gotten rid of Harper’s family’s traditional mistletoe. I think it’s supposed to be real mistletoe, passed down through generations - does mistletoe keep? - and Harper decides she needs to track down this mistletoe for her family dinner tonight. There’s more conversation about how Harper is a Grinch who doesn’t like Christmas just to hit us over the head with her practicality and stoicism and love of Science, because every adult in this movie but her believes in magic and miracles. Harper goes to hunt down the mistletoe the very next day at the thrift store Elle took it to.
Enter our leading man Luke, played by the handsome Stephen Huszar, who is the manager of the thrift store. (Actually, we learn later that Luke founded the CHAIN of thrift stores he works at and he has a law degree, because having a working-class retail employee as a leading man is not acceptable).
Luke knows Harper from school when he used to be chubby and a nerd. He’s hot now, though, so Harper doesn’t recognize him. She begs him for help finding her family’s magic mistletoe and he agrees to escort her through a wild good chase that has them travel to: his aunt’s house; the Mall to meet Santa (who, as I understand it, is the real Santa); a fake Christmas tree stand (where the characters carry out an elaborate after-school special about how using a fake Christmas tree benefits the environment); and a dive bar. There’s also a montage in the middle of all this where Harper models cute Christmas-themed outfits from his thrift store so she can dress for dinner. Throughout, Harper is getting messages from Brad (who SUCKS) about how his work is a priority and for some reason doesn’t realize she’s allowed to have standards about her romantic partner’s commitment to their relationship.
So Harper and Luke make it to their last stop, the dive bar that is closed for Christmas but for some reason still has a bouncer stationed outside. (Seriously, who wrote this? What reason would he have to be guarding the entrance of a closed bar? Does he live there?)
Harper’s mistletoe is inside the bar and they need to get it - but luckily, the bar owner is there (again, why?) and happens to LOVE METEOROLOGY. Harper’s STEM field becomes briefly relevant in an off-screen interaction where she apparently blinds the bar owner with science enough to convince him to give her the mistletoe.
In one last sucker punch, it turns out it's the !!!wROnG miStLetOe!!!, and Brad dumps Harper in a text (because he SUCKS). Harper gets all snappy at Luke for no reason and runs off angrily, to go home and break the news to her family that she’s newly single and she doesn’t have the beloved mistletoe. Worry not! Luke shows up; he found the real mistletoe; Christmas is Saved; they all agree Brad SUCKS.
Other complaints about this one:
The soundtrack is a terrible mix of made-for-TV Christmas pop songs that would be more appropriate for torturing your enemies.
The only people of color are the sound guy in the first two minutes and the bouncer in the final act, totaling about eight minutes of screentime in a movie that supposedly takes place in a major metro area.
Stephen Huszar overacts so hard I’m shocked he didn’t sprain something.
Spoilers: They kiss, declare their feelings for each other, all is well. This movie is a terrible saccharine odyssey of Christmas magic and cheer, so you might like it if you enjoy toxic positivity. One star.