one-star holiday rom-coms

I review the worst holiday-themed romantic comedies the internet has to offer.

[onestarromcoms]

December 12: “Runaway Christmas Bride” (Tubi)

Summary: Pragmatic couple who aren’t in love stick around to cash in on $2.0M - on Christmas!!!1!

FYI: This movie is terrible. It does have a certain whimsical charm that I really enjoyed, but the production quality is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. The premise is more interesting than most of these and the whole movie is set on snowy mountains, which is a plus. Also, the leading man is a medic for the Ski Patrol and the leading lady is an English teacher, so we’re finally meeting some normal people with normal lives.

The movie opens on a wedding in which the bride, leading lady Kate, is obviously not thrilled about being married, which is … actually pretty good writing? In medias res and all that. They fumble through the ceremony and we discover shortly after that the groom, Alex, only wanted to get married because he inherits $2.0M from his dead grandmother upon his marriage. Kate is, understandably, pissed, and takes off solo to the ski chalet where they booked their honeymoon. The opening credits scene is Kate singing off-key in her car. Which is actually pretty funny.

She gets to the ski resort and has a frankly hilarious scene with Becca, the hotel manager, because Kate had left her ID and credit cards behind and couldn’t prove that she had reserved the honeymoon suite. Fortunately, a group of 19-year-olds who are on the waitlist and want to party foot the bill for the suite, and she ends up crashing with them in the suite for the remainder of her reservation (which, again, is pretty funny). A shocking trend in this movie is that the comedy isn’t half-bad, although the actors are very terrible.

So Kate is alone on her honeymoon and meets Jason, the ski resort’s medic (who is also an ex-Olympic skier for no reason; can we please have a working-class man as the romantic lead without having to give him a heroic backstory? PLEASE?). Kate watches Jason working out through a window and he’s somehow charmed by that. The two of them meet, hit it off, and start skiing together, and find they really enjoy each other’s company.

So we reach the point where they’re canoodling with each other and I look down at the timestamp, and we’re only 34 minutes into the 90-minute film. I’m wondering what else could possibly happen, until soon enough, Alex, his parents, Kate’s sister and her parents all show up and drama ensues.

So now the movie is more of an ensemble comedy than a romcom, which is fine, because it actually kind of works. Don’t get me wrong - all these actors are terrible and the production quality is still garbage - but the storyline is so much more interesting than a story that just follows the lead couple. Both Kate and Alex’s family dynamics seem terrible, and frankly I don’t blame Alex for wanting to get away from his father. In the end, they agree to stay married until Alex’s $2.0M check clears, and then Alex pays her ten percent to reimburse her parents for their failed wedding. No one is too good to cash in on a payday here. Jason finds out about this and is angry at first, but eventually he and Kate make up.

SPOILERS: Jason and Kate kiss, they declare their love for one another, and are probably engaged. Every actor in this movie is terrible, but there’s some entertaining physical and situational comedy to make up for it. This movie isn’t good, but it’s pretty entertaining. One and a half stars.

[onestarromcoms]

December 11: “Christmas in Paris” (Tubi)

Summary: A movie about Paris set in Montana?

FYI: This movie is absolutely terrible, so buckle up. I would say that it has Montana going for it, but it isn’t shot in Montana and post-production isn’t successful at convincing us we aren’t looking at mid-summer Ontario. Leading lady Rebecca Dalton delivers her lines like she’s in a yogurt commercial, and the French leading man’s accent doesn’t hide the fact that he can’t act. The biggest travesty is the atrocious storytelling, complete with a jarring change in geographic location for no reason and a handful of distracting, unnecessary plot devices that add nothing to the romance and intrigue.

The premise of this movie is that Lucas, a successful French playboy/entrepreneur, goes into business with a fragrance company based in… Montana? Where he goes to meet the company’s art director, Robin, who is designing the ad campaign for Lucas’s new fragrance. They get together in Montana, and halfway through the movie, he invites her back to Paris to spend Christmas with him and his mom. There’s also a whole plotline about how the ex-CEO of the fragrance company is Lucas’s estranged father who had an affair with Lucas’s mom.

The premise isn’t terrible, except that every step of the way the writers executed it terribly. First of all, why is the fragrance company based in Montana? I love Montana, but it’s not exactly the most accessible place. Flights cost a fortune and shipping perfume out of there has to as well. I get they want Robin to be an all-American country girl, but she can be that and meet Lucas in Paris. Instead, the writers have to contrive a reason for Lucas to fly to Montana, meet with the CEO of the company who is his estranged father’s sister, chill with Robin for long enough to “fall in love” with her (a grand total of three days, by my estimation) and then convince her she has to fly back to Paris with him. If the conflict in the story is supposed to be about Lucas and his father, why not set the story in Paris?

But fine, so we start in Montana for no reason. Lucas meets the fragrance CEO, the sister of the old CEO, who’s his dad. So this new CEO is Lucas’s aunt. But there’s no reason for this, she’s not in the story again. So Robin and Lucas meet and Lucas starts to flirt, but Robin is a consummate professional - only meeting him during working hours for professional meals to talk about her art directing of the new fragrance line. Lucas pulls a classic “Men Are Talking” by constantly crossing professional boundaries. He complains that Robin doesn’t know him well enough to design an ad campaign for him, so Robin finally caves and invites him out to ride in a sleigh with her. 

They meet Robin’s dad and have dinner with him, which ends with an awkward conversation about Robin’s dead mom (again, this doesn’t matter and isn’t an integral part of the story or character development - just, “Hey, my mom’s dead.”) and a lot of conversation about how much Robin loves Paris. (WHY ISN’T THIS STORY SET IN PARIS). They kiss and then Robin wants to “call it a night,” which is understandable because this is day 2 of knowing Lucas and he’s saying things like “I’ve never met anyone like you before” in a French accent whilst languidly stroking her hair. 

Here’s the thing about well-written fiction: every object, scene, and line of dialogue should be 100% meaningful and directly related to the story development. It’s like that quote about the rifle in Act 1 killing someone by Act 3 or whatever. So far in this movie, we have an unnecessary setting; an unnecessary CEO; several unnecessary scenes with the two of them; and an entire montage of them getting pictures with Santa WHILE OUT AT BREAKFAST THE DAY AFTER THEY MET.

Anyway, Day 3 rolls around and, in the fastest romance timeline I’ve ever seen in a movie, Lucas convinces Robin to come to Paris with him for Christmas. He doesn’t want to leave her but he promised his mom he’d be home for Christmas dinner. She agrees for some reason and they take off.

Once they’re in Paris, Robin becomes useless as a character, because almost immediately the story becomes about Lucas being contacted by his estranged father who, it’s revealed, actually never knew he existed because Lucas’s mom never told him she was pregnant. So now Lucas is reeling from learning this about his father and feels bad because he yelled at Robin about it earlier. He goes to meet his estranged father, but not before he has some sort of asthma attack that his mother treats by using her rescue inhaler on him (again, why? Why is that necessary?)

Long story short, Lucas and his father have a very tense conversation about their non-relationship before making amends. His dad is very proud of him and says he’s been proud of him and he’s sorry (but I thought his dad didn’t know he existed? I’m so confused). His dad gives him some advice about how to treat women right so Lucas can go after Robin, and gives him an heirloom engagement ring to use to propose to Robin after maybe a week of them knowing each other.

Robin unleashes her vision for the ad campaign for the fragrance company, everyone loves it, her dad convinces her to forgive Lucas. Lucas proposes, declares his love to her. Robin refuses at first because she doesn’t feel like he knows her well enough, but he keeps talking in a French accent until she gives in and accepts his proposal. 

SPOILERS: They kiss in front of a Christmas tree and are presumably engaged. This is the most lukewarm couple ever and the most compressed romantic timeline of all time. Horrible story. One star.

[onestarromcoms]

December 10: “Mistletoe Magic” (Tubi)

Summary: Beautiful meteorologist and Your LL Bean Boyfriend go on a Christmas scavenger hunt. Also, Brad SUCKS.

I would give this movie props for having our leading lady in a STEM field, but I’d have to immediately rescind them, as we never once hear about her scientific work outside of mentioning that it’s the reason she’s so grumpy. Also, “local news meteorologist” is as close to “journalist” as you can get without just being a TV reporter, so it’s low-effort on the part of the writers.

The movie opens on our leading lady Harper, played by Jessica Sipos, complaining about Christmas while covering the weather at a skating rink. This is to establish that Harper is a Grinch who hates holidays, happiness, and cheer. She argues with her sound guy about how people who believe in Christmas magic are silly when he tries to get her to admit that snow is formed by Christmas magic. (This rubbed me the wrong way because, frankly, snow is an amazing feat of nature and science, and Christmas magic should not get credit for it). She then has an embarrassing interaction with a group of adorable white children to establish that she’s NOT Good With Kids, but this never matters again in the movie so I imagine they just included it to confirm her Grinch status. She then has a phone argument with Brad, her coworker/boyfriend who SUCKS, because he forgot that he’s supposed to meet her parents tonight and he’s at work at the newsdesk instead.

Harper gets to her family home by herself and hangs out with her BFF/neighbor Elle. They realize that - gasp! - Elle has accidentally gotten rid of Harper’s family’s traditional mistletoe. I think it’s supposed to be real mistletoe, passed down through generations - does mistletoe keep? - and Harper decides she needs to track down this mistletoe for her family dinner tonight. There’s more conversation about how Harper is a Grinch who doesn’t like Christmas just to hit us over the head with her practicality and stoicism and love of Science, because every adult in this movie but her believes in magic and miracles. Harper goes to hunt down the mistletoe the very next day at the thrift store Elle took it to.

Enter our leading man Luke, played by the handsome Stephen Huszar, who is the manager of the thrift store. (Actually, we learn later that Luke founded the CHAIN of thrift stores he works at and he has a law degree, because having a working-class retail employee as a leading man is not acceptable). 

Luke knows Harper from school when he used to be chubby and a nerd. He’s hot now, though, so Harper doesn’t recognize him. She begs him for help finding her family’s magic mistletoe and he agrees to escort her through a wild good chase that has them travel to: his aunt’s house; the Mall to meet Santa (who, as I understand it, is the real Santa); a fake Christmas tree stand (where the characters carry out an elaborate after-school special about how using a fake Christmas tree benefits the environment); and a dive bar. There’s also a montage in the middle of all this where Harper models cute Christmas-themed outfits from his thrift store so she can dress for dinner. Throughout, Harper is getting messages from Brad (who SUCKS) about how his work is a priority and for some reason doesn’t realize she’s allowed to have standards about her romantic partner’s commitment to their relationship.

So Harper and Luke make it to their last stop, the dive bar that is closed for Christmas but for some reason still has a bouncer stationed outside. (Seriously, who wrote this? What reason would he have to be guarding the entrance of a closed bar? Does he live there?) 

Harper’s mistletoe is inside the bar and they need to get it - but luckily, the bar owner is there (again, why?) and happens to LOVE METEOROLOGY. Harper’s STEM field becomes briefly relevant in an off-screen interaction where she apparently blinds the bar owner with science enough to convince him to give her the mistletoe.

In one last sucker punch, it turns out it's the !!!wROnG miStLetOe!!!, and Brad dumps Harper in a text (because he SUCKS). Harper gets all snappy at Luke for no reason and runs off angrily, to go home and break the news to her family that she’s newly single and she doesn’t have the beloved mistletoe. Worry not! Luke shows up; he found the real mistletoe; Christmas is Saved; they all agree Brad SUCKS.

Other complaints about this one: 

The soundtrack is a terrible mix of made-for-TV Christmas pop songs that would be more appropriate for torturing your enemies.

The only people of color are the sound guy in the first two minutes and the bouncer in the final act, totaling about eight minutes of screentime in a movie that supposedly takes place in a major metro area.

Stephen Huszar overacts so hard I’m shocked he didn’t sprain something. 

Spoilers: They kiss, declare their feelings for each other, all is well. This movie is a terrible saccharine odyssey of Christmas magic and cheer, so you might like it if you enjoy toxic positivity. One star.

[onestarromcoms]

December 9: X-mas romcom tropes we’ve encountered to date

This is a light-handed post today because I’m too busy to write a full review. Here’s an incomplete glossary of tropes featured in the blog so far along.

Good With Kids: A plot device where the romantic leads, usually the male but occasionally the female, interacts with children so they can show that they’re a competent caregiver (foreshadowing marriage and children, obv).Often shows the female lead gazing adoringly from afar. See: A Christmas Prince, Christmas With A Prince, many upcoming.

Just Quit Your Job Already: Any point at which the female lead’s career is in direct conflict with her love life or her male love interest. Includes being a workaholic, working for a competitor, being a journalist, or working somewhere that might transfer her away from where he is. See: A Christmas Prince, A Christmas Wedding Planner, A Christmas Dogwalker’s Tale, and MANY upcoming.

Men Are Talking: Any point at which the male romantic lead and his foil - another male who is interested in the female lead, but who won’t end up with her in the end - make decisions about the fate of the woman they claim to love. Is shown through the two men arguing, physically fighting, sabotaging or manipulating each other, or making decisions about her without consulting her or taking her desires into account. See: A Christmas Belle, Christmas Crush.

This Hurts Me More Than it Hurts You: When one romantic lead, usually the male, is verbally or emotionally (VERY rarely physically) abusive to the other, usually the female, because they can’t cope with the fact that they’re in love or regulate the complicated emotions involved with falling in love. See: A Christmas Belle, several upcoming.

Save Christmas For the Locals: When something happens that threatens to ruin a Christmas tradition, often an annual Christmas festival or ball, in a small town or other close-knit group of people. The romantic lead, male or female or both of them, has to intervene to make sure the Christmas tradition goes off without a hitch. See Spirit of Christmas, A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale, A Christmas Belle, A Christmas Wedding Planner if you count the wedding as the event, and many more upcoming movies.

She Doesn’t Like Him At First: Occurs when the female romantic lead is predisposed to dislike the male romantic lead for an established reason in order to increase tension and provide him the challenge of pursuing her and winning her over. See: A Christmas Prince, Christmas with a Prince, A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale, A Christmas Wedding Planner, and many others upcoming.

Socialism Doesn’t Work - Unless It’s Christmas: When pooling resources and organizing labor for the public good is only socially acceptable in the two weeks leading up to Christmas. Often includes the public coming together to Save Christmas For the Locals or rescue a character or business from financial Ruin. See A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale, A Christmas Belle, and others upcoming.

I will update this list as I find new tropes, but this is a solid start. I can’t wait to encounter even more of these.

[onestarromcoms]

December 8: “The Spirit of Christmas” encore

I’ve reviewed several terrible movies in a row so let’s head back to The Spirit of Christmas (Dec 3). I’d like to show romantic writing that’s effective so we can contrast it to the garbage I’ve been wallowing in.

To recap the plot: Kate, a beautiful workaholic estate lawyer, is tasked with appraising and selling the Hollygrove Inn, a charming historic B&B. Daniel, the handsome Prohibition-era ghost haunting the Inn, is scaring away potential buyers. Kate vows to help him pass on. Romance ensues. The scene below occurs after Kate agrees to help Daniel cross over, Daniel shares much of his life story, and they become tentative friends (and yes, they’re decorating a Christmas tree):

This scene shows, in a shockingly competent way, a crucial step in falling in love that’s often missing from these movies: shared vulnerability. In the scenes preceding this one, Kate and Daniel spend a lot of time together picking apart Daniel’s horrific experiences and personal flaws that may have led up to his haunting. In this scene, Daniel voices a totally reasonable expectation of equivocal emotional vulnerability. He recognizes that he has exposed intimate details of his life and death to Kate and, respectfully and with good humour, requests she equalize their positions by sharing information about her personal life. 

Kate admits that she’s never been in love, that she wants to be, but doesn’t think she knows how. As a critical thinker, Kate thinks that falling in love is something that you learn. You might need instructions for it, or a model to study. Daniel objects to this idea. You could argue that he’s mansplaining her feelings to her, but you could also argue that Daniel, who has been in love, sees qualities of compassion and devotion in Kate that she can’t see in herself.

So yeah, this movie adequately and competently convinces the viewers that its romantic leads are actually falling in love, which is bolstered by the fact that even by the end of the movie they never tell each other they love each other, because only idiots think you can fall in love in the span of twelve days. The closest they come this scene where Kate tells Daniel that she’ll continue to visit him if they fail at getting him to pass on:

In fact, just before Daniel is recorporealized, he has to make a choice about whether to join his fiance Lilly in the afterlife or stay with Kate, and he’s not sure. It’s a struggle for him.

And when he is somehow re-corporealized (again, still not clear on the supernatural rules in this movie’s universe), he tells Kate:

Finally, I’ll leave you with some snippets that support their falling in love story for your viewing pleasure:

>> Kate grabbing Daniel’s hand and you know it’s the first human touch he’s felt in 95 years 

>> Daniel and Kate admitting to each other they wish she could buy his inn so at the very least she would own the place he’s haunting for eternity 

>> Daniel mixing a cocktail for himself and then handing it to Kate even though she has a full martini

>> Daniel smiling to himself because he’s happy to see Kate after she’s been gone for a few days of lawyering

>> Bonus Daniel looking fly at the ironing board

Listen, this movie isn't great. In fact, it’s choc-full of flaws. But I respect it a lot more than movies I’m supposed to think are good, so take that for what you will. I’m upgrading it to 2 ½ stars.

[onestarromcoms]

December 7: “A Christmas Prince” (Netflix)

Summary: “Straight white female journalist marries non-British prince w/ help from Black Friend and Gay Friend.”

FYI: This is not a good movie. It gets props for having a main character with a disability, but the redeeming qualities stop there. The well-known Rose McIver of iZombie plays our lead Amber, and she’s pretty good, but the writing is just so contrived that even she can’t save it. The male lead, Prince Richard of Aldovia (not-Britain), is played by Ben Lamb. Enough people liked this movie that there are two sequels, which I haven’t seen, but there’s a strong chance they’ll be featured later in this list.

Amber is (siiiigh) a journalist in this movie - 

- which, okay, aside from these romcoms being lousy with journalists even though it’s a dying profession, why must journalism be the plot device? Writers make the female romantic lead a journalist so at some point her career interests conflict with her love interest, who needs secrecy and privacy. But does that have to be the conflict? Why can’t this just be a love story between a professional American woman and a non-British Prince? That’s plenty of conflict! We watched what happened to Prince Harry and Meghan, and Harry isn’t even in line for the throne! We don’t also need Meghan to have a means to damage Harry by writing the truth in her newspaper column. 

Anyway, Amber hides the fact that she’s a journalist by lying, and manages to sneak her way into the Aldovian Castle, because the Aldovian Monarchy’s security team is a pile of hot garbage. She decides to write a secret story about Prince Richard who, just like in “Christmas with a Prince,” is a notorious playboy and doesn’t really want to assume the throne. Amber and Richard 2.0 butt heads in a classic She Doesn’t Like Him At First (just like “Christmas with a Prince”) until they bond because they’re Good With Kids (just like “Christmas with a Prince”). Prince Richard struggles with the responsibility of assuming the throne following the death of his father, and Richard 2.0’s smarmy cousin Simon, the family’s next male successor, is hovering around the family in hopes that Richard will abdicate and leave the throne to him.

To this movie’s credit, there are few instances of the Prince pulling a Men Are Talking or the omnipresent This Hurts You More Than It Hurts Me, where the male lead verbally and psychologically abuses his romantic interest because he can’t cope with how much he loves her. In exchange, however, we’re supposed to believe that within the span of two weeks and a total of two full conversations, Amber and Prince Richard fall madly in love. Amber gets a respectable amount of backstory and screentime, but in contrast, we get almost no background or personality from Richard 2.0 or the two of them together. What makes this story so bad is that it’s hard to believe these two are in love - even harder to believe than the other garbage movies I’ve watched in this genre.

At the movie’s climax, Simon’s girlfriend outs Richard 2.0 as being adopted by the late King of Aldovia, Richard 1.0, and therefore an unrightful heir, and Richard 2.0 runs off in a huff. Amber follows and the two of them have an emotional exchange - but what is the source of these emotions? They’ve spoken at length exactly three times at this point. Where are these feelings coming from? Also, why does everyone just outright believe the adoption nonsense? Can’t the royal family just lie? Why would they let an American journalist bring down a centuries-old monarchy?

Anyway, Amber reads a poem and manages to find the King’s last decree hidden inside a giant acorn; before he died, the King changed the law to include Prince Richard as rightful heir (who needs a Parliament or Congress or popular votes anyway?). Amber is forgiven, since she’s the one who found the King’s acorn and saved centuries-old monarchy. She quits her job, Richard proposes, she says yes (albeit admitting they barely know each other).

SPOILERS: They make up, they kiss, and Richard proposes to Amber. This movie is terrible, the romantic leads have no chemistry, the story sucks, Rose McIver can’t save this one. I hate that I watched this. One star.

[onestarromcoms]

December 6: “A Christmas Crush” (Hulu)

FYI: This movie is terrible. It does have going for it the beautiful and talented Cindy Sampson, known for Supernatural; also, there’s a slightly dark running joke about the Donner Party in this movie that I was a little surprised to see in a Hallmark movie, but I guess times have changed. There’s also a not-small amount of stalking and a variation of the Men Are Talking trope throughout.

Cindy Sampson plays Addie, a beautiful, single event-planner in her 30s who has a meet-cute with the handsome lawyer Sam, played by Robin Dunne. They literally bump into each other in the hallway of their shared apartment complex, and Addie develops a crush on Sam. Later, while having Christmas Tea with another neighbor, the spunky, elderly Mrs. Motley, Addie makes a wish on a falling star that her neighbor would fall in love with her. 

Unfortunately, her wish lands on the WRONG NEIGHBOR! whose name is Pete. Pete falls madly in love with Addie, which, in rom-com terms, means he stalks her relentlessly to the point where she is sneaking in and out of her apartment to avoid having him accost her in the hallway or force himself into her apartment. Pete even shows up at her job to take her out to dinner:

Addie, in true rom-com style, tolerates Pete’s horrifying, often illegal intrusions with token feminine annoyance. Addie claims she blames herself for his behavior several times - “This is all my fault!” - because the falling-star Christmas Wish is what is ostensibly causing Pete to stalk her. As an audience we’re meant to absolve Pete somewhat because his feelings aren’t his fault. I’m not sure where the writers and directors of this movie conflate Pete’s uncontrollable feelings with his deliberate actions. I guess the real travesty is that we live in a world where it’s at least somewhat acceptable that a man demonstrates love by incessantly wearing down the woman he’s in love with until she doesn’t have the energy to fight him off.

Meanwhile, Addie manages to have several dates with Sam, where they establish a true connection with one another. Each date is, of course, spoiled by Pete vying for Addie’s affections. Rather than invoking physical comedy, this plays into the Men Are Talking trope. Every time Pete shows up, Sam ignores Addie’s fervent claims that she is NOT in love with Pete and trudges away sadly, assuming that Addie really is super into this random guy who keeps crashing their dates. Personally, I think calling 911 to have him detained might kill that Christmas Magic a little bit, but that’s just me.

Addie has several more Christmas Teas with Mrs. Motley, who, for some reason, knows all the technicalities about Christmas magic and wishes and counsels Addie in getting  Pete to fall out of love with her. By the end of the movie, Addie has learned that Pete had a fiance before he became obsessed with her, and Sam and colleague Drea are enlisted to help Pete fall back in love with his fiance to deflect his attention from Addie. (Notably, Sam believes her about the Christmas Magic for some reason, even though he wouldn’t take her word about not being interested in Pete.) Their attempts consistently fail, however, but rather than seek out some magic-based solution, the four of them bail, and are prepared to let Addie spend the rest of her life being stalked by Pete. 

The story culminates at a Christmas party Addie and Drea plan for the wealthy Donner family, where Addie is able to make another wish on some falling star-shaped confetti - the wish that she’s able to be honest about her feelings to her friends, her family, and her next-door neighbor. Even though she’s been honest the whole time - dudes can’t hear her over the sound of their own voices. Sam finds Addie as she’s leaving the party and apologizes, then confesses his feelings for her - which, again, is not the first time he’s told her this, and I don’t know why this honesty wish is where the writers went with this, but there we are.

SPOILERS: They kiss and make up and are assumed to be dating. The best part of the story is Drea, played by supporting actress Erica Deutschman, who gets the only funny lines and is a great comic relief.  This movie is terrible. One star.

[onestarromcoms]

December 5: “A Christmas Wedding Planner” (Hulu)

FYI: This is not a good movie. It does have going for it the beautiful, yet approachable, Jocelyn Hudon, whose acting in this movie breaks away from the sugary-sweet, flighty style of other leading ladies. She trades it for the “quirky and clumsy” trope championed by the likes of Twilight and FIfty Shades, but at least she’s believable. She and leading man Steven Huszar have great chemistry, too, so if you’re into rom-coms you might enjoy this one.

The premise of this film is as ridiculous as it can be: Kelsey, played by Hudon, is a wedding planner, and Huszar’s Connor is a private investigator. (I can’t think of less probable careers for two people, but these holiday rom-coms are lousy with them.) Kelsey has been hired by her rich aunt to plan her cousin Emily’s wedding to her beau Todd. Connor, the mysterious and handsome PI, keeps hanging around the wedding preparations - he shows up at an engagement brunch, the groom’s Christmas party, etc. Weirdly, Connor also happens to be part owner of an Italian restaurant downtown with N*SYNC’S Joey Fatone. I can’t imagine why that was necessary except to give him and Kelsey a place to hang out and bicker.

Because oh yeah, Connor also happens to be Emily’s ex-boyfriend, and Kelsey’s aunt wants him gone. Apparently, Connor was once engaged to Emily, but took off without a word one day and broke Emily’s heart. Connor, for his part, is never anything but respectful to Kelsey, and generally shows a refreshing lack of chivalry that almost makes their will-they-won’t-they dance palatable. Kelsey plays into the She Doesn’t Like Him At First trope for the first act, but slowly succumbs to Connor’s charms as he convinces her that Todd, Emily’s fiance, is no good. We don’t find out who hired Connor to investigate Todd until the end of the movie, but Kelsey sees enough strange goings-on to join Connor in his investigation of Todd. The two of them tail him, check his bank accounts, question the staff at his house, etc, to no avail, and Kelsey is left looking like a fool to Emily and her aunt.

Finally, at Emily and Todd’s wedding, Connor objects to the union at the last minute, and we find out that Todd IS a monster - he slept with one of his staff and got her pregnant, then fired her when she told him. Todd runs off, Emily calls off the wedding, and Connor and Kelsey make up with everyone else. Turns out Connor was hired by Emily’s late father to investigate any man who went after Emliy, just in case he’d be after her fortune - and he was right!!! 

SPOILERS: In the end, Conner and Kelsey kiss, Connor proposes to her, and Emily gives Kelsey her planned wedding to marry Connor that very day, even though they’ve known each other for maybe two weeks on the outside - but two weeks is two years in rom-com time. This movie is terrible, but the leading couple is so cute, they might rescue it. One star. 

[onestarromcoms]

December 4: “A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale”

December 4: “A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale” (Hulu)

FYI: This movie is terrible. It does, however, feature cute dogs throughout, and the story and characters are a TINY bit more fleshed out than others on this list, so some people might like it. It features Jonathan Bennett as our adorable leading man, Dean (you’ll know him when you see him), cuddling with the cute dogs. This movie also introduces the common Christmas movie trope I like to call “Socialism Doesn’t Work - Unless It’s Christmas.”

In the first act we enter the leading lady Luce, who loves Christmas, getting dumped by her boyfriend for not having enough ‘substance’ (granted, he sounds terrible - she’s better off). She’s established as relatively materialistic as she shops for expensive gifts with her friends. Unfortunately, her friends leave for Christmas and her parents are in Botswana, so she’s stuck at home alone for the holidays. Luckily, her rich neighbor invites her to a Christmas party before handing her dog, Hank, over to Luce and running off, leaving Luce to walk Hank to the nearby dog park. 

Enter our man Dean, who is at the park hanging out with all the local dogs. Dean and Luce have a classic Dogwalker’s Meet-Cute, when Hank barrels into Dean and causes Luce to fall on top of him. They realize the dog park is closing because a developer is turning it into a day spa - oh no - BEFORE CHRISTMAS! Dean, of course, immediately calls City Hall to investigate. (Is that how you deal with that? Also, isn’t a dog park municipal land? Why would the City sell it to a developer?)

Luce takes Hank the dog back to his rich owners and we encounter a common theme that is featured in almost every one of these Christmas movies but never in real life: Capitalism is Bad and Socialism is Good. I blame this on Jesus, who preached things like Love Thy Neighbor and fed fish to people. Turns out, the developers tearing down the dog park are Luce’s rich neighbors, Paxtons! They’re interested in investment opportunities to increase their personal wealth! The dog park makes NO MONEY AT ALL so they’re not even re-building it, because “The public agenda is for the politicians and the protesters.” This movie 100% has a socialist message that can only exist in the context of Christmas, when it’s acceptable to claim that the public good is more important than private equity.

Eventually, Dean and Luce are on the same page about saving the dog park, and they manage to wrangle the locals for support and throw a party/festival in the park to bring awareness to the issue. The party turns into some sort of sit-in, and when the rich Paxtons come to see what’s going on, Luce is able to show them the power of friendship (with dogs) and also pitches some revenue-building ideas like a coffee stand, a cafe, and historic landmark privileges. The Paxtons are sold, and the dog park is saved. In a final Christmas Miracle moment, Luce spends the money she made from walking Hank to buy Jonathan a plane ticket home for Christmas, and they kiss. What this movie has going for it is Jonathan Bennett’s comedic acting skills and his chemistry with Luce (played by Lexi Giovagnoli). He truly takes this movie to the next level. Add the dogs into the mix and you’ve got a solid feel-good movie with subtle socialist messaging.

SPOILERS: Dean and Luce kiss and all is well. This movie is terrible, but the dogs are cute.

[onestarromcoms]

December 3: “The Spirit of Christmas”(Hulu)

FYI: This is not a good movie. It does, however, feature what comes pretty close to a Hallmark/ X-Files crossover, as it features hauntings and time travel. This movie gets props for featuring a non-traditional romance between a corporeal leading lady and a handsome ghost-man. The mythology in this movie is absurd and the acting is terrible, but I’m a sucker for a man with a quiff and a waistcoat, so I’ve actually voluntarily watched this three times.

Our story opens on leading lady Kate, our predictable “workaholic lawyer,” getting dumped by her current boyfriend because she isn’t emotionally available enough. She immediately goes back to work managing the estate of someone who is recently deceased. Twelve days before Christmas, her boss sends her to a beautiful historic inn to get it appraised so they can sell it. Except when she gets to the Inn and tries to talk to the current caretaker, it turns out she can’t sell the place because - surprise! - IT’S HAUNTED!!! And the ghost is FINE. This movie also features such zingers as:

Ghost-man’s name is Daniel, who, judging by his golden pocket watch and the way he eats an apple by cutting it with a pocketknife, died sometime in the 1920s. Yeah, he eats food, and he’s solid (otherwise he wouldn’t be able to make out with Kate later). But he can turn invisible and walk through walls at will. He’s haunted the Inn since he died, but in a weird Christmas-y twist, only for the twelve days leading up to Christmas. Once Kate overcomes the shock of ghosts being real, and Daniel being a hot ghost, their story then becomes about trying to “free” Daniel from the “curse” of being semi-corporeal once a year. The movie skirts the X-Files line until halfway through the mystery when the local pub’s plumbing bursts! and Kate and Daniel have to Save Christmas for the Locals! by hosting a Christmas party at the Inn. Turns out, Daniel is a damn fine bartender. They share their first kiss at this party, which complicates things, because isn’t Daniel supposed to be trying to get into the Great Beyond?

The ghost mythology in this movie doesn’t make any sense and frankly even after three viewings I have a hard time articulating it, but basically, Daniel is haunting the Inn because he was murdered and has unfinished business re: his dead fiance Lilly and his brother Oliver, as he caught the two of them making out in the moments before he died. He also has some brand-new flashbacks that lead him to believe Lilly was pregnant with Oliver’s kid - but it might be Daniel’s kid? - but I’m not really sure because that “evidence” isn’t really explained, and the baby died in infancy, so frankly there’s no reason to include it except to generate sympathy for Daniel. Maybe a fourth viewing will clear it up. In the weirdest turn of events in this movie, there are actually several ghosts in this movie. Daniel has never remembered them before, but Kate’s constant interrogation acts like regression therapy for him, and he starts piecing together memories of the days leading up to his death. In the final act we meet the ghosts of Oliver, who has a fight with Daniel about his rum-running job; Daniel’s gangster boss, who murdered him; and Lilly, who did cheat on Daniel, but who also still loves Daniel.

At the climax of the movie, Daniel and Kate believe they’ve broken the curse by discovering Daniel’s murderer, and Kate is full-on prepared to commit to a monogamous relationship with a ghost-man she can only see for twelve days a year. (Sounds perfect, am I right, ladies?!?!) Daniel wooshes away at the strike of midnight and we see him being led away by Lilly’s ghost, who is promising that his wait in purgatory is over. In the end, Daniel decides he’d rather stay corporeal and date Kate than enter the Great Beyond with Lilly. The movie ends leaving me with far more questions than answers: is Daniel a normal human now? Because he broke the curse? Even though he was dead and a ghost before? Did he travel through time? Or was he re-assembled somehow? We may never know.

SPOLIERS: They kiss, declare their love for each other, and start dating (no weddings here). This movie is terrible, but I love it, and I will probably watch it every year for the rest of my life.

[onestarromcoms]

December 2: “A Christmas Belle” (Hulu)

FYI: This is not a good movie. It is, however, a rendition of “Beauty and the Beast” with a Christmas twist, and stars Haylie Duff, who is my second-favorite Hallmark leading lady because she’s a decent actor - probably better than Hilary - and she’s able to work with the stone-faced Nicholas Gonzales, the male lead who plays the millionaire Hunter. This movie gets props for starring a non-white leading man and a leading lady with a realistic body type, so I'lll give it that.

Haylie plays Belle, a young woman who works for her father at their successful antique-appraisal firm. She is thrown into millionaire Hunter’s path because he hires Dad to appraise all his expensive tchotchkes and Dad sends Belle instead (get it? Just like Beauty and the Beast?). So Belle shows up at Hunter’s mansion and he’s angry, because he hired Belle’s dad and instead of the old man he gets the beautiful young woman who knows just as much. Hunter  fulfills the common romance trope He’s Been Hurt Before by being insufferably rude to Belle for the first part of the movie, and we find out that he’s just angry that he’s attracted to her because of his dead fiancee. Belle does demand that he apologize and act better, which demonstrates more self-respect than we generally see in these movies.

Meanwhile, entire scenes of this film feature Belle’s dad and Belle’s not-boyfriend back home, Tony, who has been giving Belle red roses constantly for God knows how long to pressure her into a date. Dad and Tony apparently know each other enough to hang out on the reg. Tony, who is obviously Hunter’s romantic foil, is basically a psychopath who really wants Belle to marry him and, like many male movie characters, doesn’t seem to care that Belle only seems annoyed when he talks to her. Tony ends up taking a trip with her Dad to Hunter’s mansion to seek out Belle when she stops answering their incessant, overbearing, mansplaining phone calls.

Thus begins one of the most baffling, nonsensical scenes I’ve ever seen in any movie. So, Tony shows up at Hunter’s mansion looking for Belle, just as Belle and Hunter are admitting their feelings for one another in formal attire amidst a Christmas Ball they managed to save (yeah, that’s their shared trauma - the town Christmas Ball was almost cancelled). Tony claims Belle is his fiance, which Belle immediately and wholeheartedly denies - and her denial is pretty believable, considering she looks murderous every time Tony even glances her way, and she’s been canoodling with Hunter for the past week.

What follows is a common and INFURIATING rom-com trope I like to call The Men Are Talking, in which the male lead and his foil talk at each other whilst disregarding the bodily rights of the woman they both claim to love. Belle makes one final attempt to tell Tony to get lost, so Tony physically assaults her twice by planting kisses on her even as she pushes him away. Hunter, who watches this from a distance, stomps away from Belle’s cries of “Get off me!” in a narcissistic caveman huff, because apparently being the unwilling recipient of someone’s tongue down her throat was akin to cheating. Tony follows Hunter into the mansion to continue fighting over Belle, and Hunter, rather than being angry that this guy just assaulted his girlfriend, says “Be good to her,” thus resigning his claim on her to Tony. (To clarify - Belle is not present for this scene). Tony plants some manipulative idea that Belle just wants Hunter for his library and Hunter, rather than finding his girlfriend to have a rational conversation about the whole thing, just BELIEVES the guy he’s NEVER MET BEFORE IN HIS LIFE and WHO JUST ASSAULTED HIS GIRLFRIEND.

Tony leaves the mansion and grabs Belle, dragging her along with him across the wooden bridge to Hunter’s mansion (I think the legal term is ‘coercion’, possibly ‘kidnapping’ if they plan on crossing state lines). Hunter is watching the whole time and at one point even tells Belle to get lost, and it’s at this point that I just can’t. I can’t. Belle shoots Tony down one more time and has to PHYSICALLY RUN AWAY FROM HIM to escape him, but rather than telling Hunter he’s also a psychopath too, she runs right back to him.

SPOILERS: They kiss, declare their love for one another, and Hunter proposes to Belle. The end of the movie features their wedding on the same bridge where Tony tried to kidnap Belle. This movie is terrible. Don’t watch it. 

[onestarromcoms]

December 1: “Christmas with a Prince”

Dec 1: “Christmas with a Prince” (Netflix)

FYI: This is not a good movie. “Christmas with a Prince” stars Kaitlyn Leeb and Nick Hunslouw as our romantic leads. Kaitlyn Leeb is in a handful of these Hallmark-style movies and is my favorite female lead for two reasons: she’s beautiful enough to probably star in better movies, and she’s a decent actor. Actors in these movies are usually absolutely so terrible that her modicum of skill is noticeable. 

In “Christmas with a Prince”  Leeb’s character, Tasha Mason, is a doctor. This strays from the holiday rom-com archetype of the leading-lady lawyer or journalist, which lends tension to the story - she’s WAY too busy for romance!! Alternatively, leading ladies are bakers or event-planners, demonstrating drive and ambition in a way that’s palatable to people who expect traditional gender roles. Dr. Tasha inches out of this archetype the teeniest bit in that she’s a celebrated physician - but stays tethered to the expectations by specifically being a pediatrician, so she can demonstrate her maternal instinct while still being intelligent and successful. 

Nick Hunslouw, our male lead, plays Prince Alex, who is in line for a throne in a Western European developed nation with a monarchy that isn’t England (can you name one? I can’t). I disliked Prince Alex’s character immensely - first, because Nick Hunsluw is a horrible actor, and lacks any amount of chemistry with Kaitlyn Leeb; second, because Prince Alex triggered the uncanny valley for me in no small amount. He is handsome, technically, but he has the look of a robot who was deliberately constructed to be our idea of a handsome man. I found it terrifying and I shuddered a little bit every time he looked at Kaitlyn Leeb. I wanted to tell her to run away because he doesn’t look like a real person. If there’s ever another movie about Ted Bundy he should probably star in it as long as he takes some acting classes first.

The premise of this movie is that Prince Alex, an irresponsible playboy, breaks his leg in a skiing accident while on holiday in the States and ends up at Dr. Tasha’s hospital. Also, he has to stay in the Pediatrics wing because - get this - it’s the most secure wing in the hospital according to his security team. Weirdly, the writers of this film decided that this wasn’t enough of a meet-cute - that actually, Dr. Tasha and Prince Alex had to have met before (why?) and the place that makes the most sense would be high school (why?) where Tasha and her brother attended when they were teenagers and somehow rich enough to attend an overseas boarding school with European princes (again, why?). Also, it’s worth noting that while Prince Robot - er, Alex - is in the hospital, there’s not a Secret Service agent to be found. Are American officials just trusting their hospital personnel with housing foreign royalty? Also, why is Prince Robot’s hospital stay arranged by a nurse in Tasha’s ward (who happens to be Tasha’s brother)?

So Prince Robot’s and Tasha’s first interaction is FAR in the past and establishes a very important rom-com trope: she Doesn’t Like Him At First. This is rampant in holiday rom-coms because it heightens the will-they-won’t-they vibe and lends to romantic (not sexual) tension. Notably, this trope almost never includes the “he doesn’t like her at first” vibe because that would usurp the male lead as the pursuer, and we wouldn’t want to upset those gender roles. Anyway, Alex and Tasha get off to a rocky start because of some teenage mistake and she’s still holding a grudge, which is another common trope from these movies - that people in their mid-30s still care about stuff that happened when they were 16 (do you? I don’t). Tasha’s career as a pediatrician comes in handy, though, because it puts Prince Robot in the position of demonstrating to her that He’s Good With Kids. Nothing like a guy proving he’d be a good dad to get your ovaries flowing.

Through some comedic banter and misunderstandings, Tasha and Prince Robot hang out with sick kids together enough to “fall in love” over the compressed rom-com timeline of roughly three days. The movie culminates in a scene where Prince Robot, in a walking cast, invites Dr. Tasha to a ball to meet his father, the King of somewhere. Here, Tasha meets Princess Miranda, an Eastern-European royal with a Russian accent (which country in the Eastern bloc reverted to a monarchy?) who tries to convince Tasha that she’s trash and will never belong in Prince Robot’s social circles. It’s a predictable foil, but contradicted by the fact that Tasha and Robot went to the same boarding school. Would they not be in the same social circles? Or are international boarding schools just handing out scholarships to random Americans? Who knows. Anyway, Tasha’s self-esteem is rescued not by her feelings for Prince Robot but by King Robot himself, who likes Tasha and claims that she’s changed his son somehow - a weird claim considering they’ve known each other for five minutes, but again, this is rom-com time. Prince Robot concurs with his father’s assessment and proposes to Tasha.

SPOILERS: By the end of the movie, the two kiss, declare their love, and are engaged to be married.

This movie was terrible. The story was terrible. The plot holes were so big they were deadly. Prince Robot is going to haunt my nightmares. Don’t watch this.