I received this in my asks, but I wanted to respond publicly (and made it anonymous in case you don't want people knowing who sent it).
Firstly, I'm so sorry that you also know the absolute HELL that is PMDD. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Thank you for sharing that, it means a lot to me.
So I've suffered from PMDD pretty much since I hit puberty at 12. That's 31 years. Unbeknownst to me, when I started taking birth control at 19, the tri-cyclic hormonal pills would only exacerbate the mood swings.
The rage, anxiety that bordered on paranoia, depression and suicidal ideation every month were just one part of my inevitable descent into self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. And if you find yourself thinking, "but surely drugs and alcohol would have made it worse," you're partially right. In the moment, it helped, but when sobriety hit, I'd feel worse than ever.
Lather, rinse, repeat for a few years after I dropped out of university. Except that it became strictly alcohol, and I became a functional alcoholic. Did I mention I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life? Because.... yeah. The drinking wasn't just to ease the PMDD, but the overall shit show that was my life.
(Cut for length)
Fast forward to sobriety and then having my daughter, Eldest Spawn. I was getting ready for work one morning, (she was still a toddler) and she refused to let me put her shoes on. It triggered the Rage Monster (Mr. Hyde). I had to walk away before I beat her with her own shoe.
The episode scared me so much that I finally broke down with my doctor and explained all of the cyclical symptoms of my "PMS on steroids," as I called it back then. I was diagnosed that day with PMDD and put on an antidepressant. I tried taking it during my luteal phase only (when PMDD shows up), but my cycles were never regular enough to know when that would be. Doc gave me the go ahead to start taking it daily, and holy mother of God, it was a miracle!
I had tried a couple other antidepressants in the past, but had horrible results on them. But the one I was prescribed for PMDD ended up being a literal lifesaver. I'd never felt so much peace, and Mr. Hyde was gone!
For 12 years, the medication worked perfectly! Over the last year, as it has become clear that I'm in perimenopause, I've noticed that my PMDD seems to be slowly coming back and getting worse each month. I'm not as out-of-control as I was in my early 20s, but it's still enough to fuck with my head for a while.
After doing some research (not that there's a lot out there), I turned to the Reddit sub for PMDD. I wanted to know if there was a direct link between perimenopause and the increase in severity of PMDD, despite successful previous treatment.
I found, overwhelmingly, that yes, PMDD worsens with perimenopause. There are a few options for treatment. A lot of it seems to be anecdotal (because "they" never study the female body), and includes the use of HRT, supplements, and/or bio-identical hormones.
My biggest fear right now is that, because birth control caused me migraines (increasing my risk of stroke), it may severely limit the already minimal options available to me. But I won't know until I get to my doctor and talk with her.
At this point, I'm serious when I say that I would rather rip out my own ovaries than continue to deal with a hormonal condition that makes me an impossible bitch with delusions every month. I'm so over it.
So yeah, to any other PMDD sufferers who haven't yet reached perimenopause, be warned. It will likely get worse. I'll keep you all updated with any helpful info I find, because fuck this shit. It's awful and my heart hurts for everyone else who deals with it.
I woke up early this morning from ovulation pain and yet somehow I still can’t get my mind to believe me when I reassure myself this is PMDD on top of everything else; I’m not suddenly broken forever and tossing all my relationships in the trash will only make things so much worse.
