#houseplant.thoughts

[homalothecium]

its funny and sad the amount of shame I feel about the limits that I have due to trauma that gave me triggers rather than kinks

like some part of me thinks that it should have all been one or the other, that having some of that territory off limits and others what I'm specifically looking for is me being difficult, being burdensome

I've been too afraid to go to local events. I have a wonderful dom, but I feel so isolated from the local scene, my community is all online here. I need to go to munches and make friends. I need to talk to my couple kinky friends about stuff more. I need to actually go to kink parties and see that everyone is people and have that context, that ability to compare. people say comparison is the thief of joy or whatever but my experience is the opposite. but I'm too afraid to go to events. I know how easily I get triggered. I know how likely it is I'll have to leave immediately. I know how hard it is for me to leave, to safeword to respect my limits, when it's just one other person. I know how much harder it is when it's a group, a larger social situation.

I forget how bad, how much, my trauma is. I forget to give myself grace. I want to work through triggers for my own sake but I also fall into seeing it as my duty, as something I owe to the people in my life. I spent 20 years being abused, 2/3rds of my life, my entire childhood. the worst traumas I faced are ones I don't have any language for

it's so impossible to pick apart, to dismantle the triggers when they're all wrapped up in each other,

I'm a masochist, right? that can't do heavy or thuddy impact or have bruises, or be bitten. I'm a sub, yes, except that I Need to know always that I have autonomy, even when that is breaking the scene, even when my autonomy is understood and implied and reinforced and been consistently true within a relationship. I know it's normal, that most people have More hard limits than I do. that's why it's funny and sad.

I have so much grief for the person I might have been. for the other mes in the other realities that never I never got to be.

[homalothecium]

I have been stressed, and so triggered so much lately, that I keep wincing at posts I'd normally find hot and it's driving me a bit nuts

I want to have a profound thought about this but its just sad. It's just the simple truth that sometimes stuff is difficult and the situation means that things that are normally a positive aren't for a while. It just plain sucks that the emotional toll I'm under means I can't engage with masochism like I usually would, means my pain tolerance is all taken up by life itself. That when I see someone in a position I can't handle right now, my brain jumps straight to extrapolating that, projecting it onto them, because my mental health is so poor that I can't hold that separation of self. It's all porous.

I'm tired. I want to lay down and get beaten. I want the freedom of being hurt by someone else's hands. I know it wouldn't work. I can't get the relief of it and it just sucks.

[homalothecium]

!!NSFW/kink/adult blog, enter at your own risk!!

my name is moss, my main blog is apocraphelion- this one is so I can be deranged w/o risking it. I'm 28, it/its pronouns exclusively, gendered terms okay, familial terms not. I'm a system, autistic, and bipolar w psychosis. I'm bi, nonbinary, polyam, switch, and a bottom.

I'm here for bodies, bondage, blood and gore, threats and cnc, plenty other stuff I'm not gonna try to comprehensively list, and finding whatever weird things I don't yet know I'm into. Mostly going to be subby stuff here, that's my more prominent side, but occasionally may do some top/predator posting.

askbox is open, genuinely feel free to send whatever, I intend to post pics in exchange for threats ;) but also feel free to get in touch elsewise.

media of me tagged houseplant.photos (incl audio and video)

pic below the cut as a treat for reading the whole post 😘

[homalothecium]

I swear to god the minute that I'm not completely busy and out of spoons I'm gonna end up writing like 20 essays on my personal experiences with and perspectives on kink stuff. I've got all these half thought through concepts jostling around in my head and I want to process them on paper. That little musing on bruises and self-doubt is like a tiny sliver of what my brain is trying to scrape together into a coherent exploration of things.

[homalothecium]

Think I just fell in love send help

[homalothecium]

Sometimes I see pictures of bruises and wonder if I'm a masochist

(crossposted on fet)

I've thought about writing this for a long time. There's often this gut reaction I have when seeing something, to think not of what something is for the people involved, but what it would be for me. It's a normal way to think, to immediately try to put youself in someone else's shoes- but someone else's shoes not fitting me doesn't mean they don't fit them.

What it would take for my body to get to the point of bruising that I see quite often online is simply so so far beyond what I can handle. Yes, I turn lovely shades of red in the moment. Yes, I've had a bruise from play a few times. But people bruise differently, and it takes a lot for me to buise. And people have different tolerances and limits for different types of pain, and I have trauma around the kinds of impact that cause the most bruising.

I remind myself that it's the internet. Bruises that are larger, darker, more varied in color, those make for more interesting photos. More interesting photos are the ones that get posted, that get liked, that get shared, that get commented on. There are of course the extremes, the edge cases, the heavy pain bottoms who love thuddy pain and pushing their limits, who from time to time go for the sort of bruising that covers huge swaths of their body and makes most bottoms think either "I could never" or "I hope I can do that some day" Those bottoms have my utmost respect (as do all bottoms) I'm glad they can be out there, doing there thing, and inspiring the people who do find it inspiring!

For me though, with how hard I am to bruise, it makes me think they must be bedbound for days, or ought to be in medical care. I see them and feel fear for them, and then I feel inadequate myself.

It's oddly like seeing instagram models, and wondering if you're attractive at all, when they're models, and photographed by professionals, with makeup by artists, and photoshopped beyond belief.

So, sometimes I see pictures of bruises and wonder if I'm a masochist.

I remind myself that masochism isn't measured by pain tolerance. I remind myself that there are different kinds of pain, and it may be I can take far more in some ways than the people I see with bruises. I remind myself that kink isn't a competition. I remind myself that the photos I see are just that, photos.

Still, I question it. I doubt I'm alone in that. There may be bottoms who love heavy bruising who have read through this, who feel the same way about some other pain, like scratching or cutting or needles or tight constrictive rope.

To whoever needs to hear it: if you enjoy pain in any capacity you are a real masochist, your limits and your pain tolerance don't change that. And you're not alone in your self-doubt ❤️

[homalothecium]

Went to a play party last night, had such a good time. I got tied up for the "second" (really the first) time, tied someone else for the second time, and topped for impact play for the first time!

I did Not get my own ass beat which is sad but oh well, I'm just gonna keep a look out for opportunities.

[homalothecium]

I miss being owned.

I want a Dom who is gentle with me, but not a pleasure Dom. Someone who can hurt me Slowly, can hold me in subspace with care and with calmness. Someone to test my endurance and not my resiliance. Push my limits and not my capacity.

I want someone to want me, not my body. Someone I can be a friend of and a friend to, should anything or everything else fall by the wayside.

I want an Owner who knows they only own me In scene, and who protects the line between in and out of scene. Who holds that distinction, that separation, without me needing to defend it from them.