The Positive Feelings of Neglect.
(April 9, 2017)
Dear Mom and Dad,
As I’m writing this, I am wiping the tears away from my cheeks. I am done with feeling sorry for myself. I am done feeling like a victim of neglect. I am done feeling like my opinion does not matter. I am done feeling worthless. I am done feeling guilty for trying to expand and grow. I am done struggling to breathe while I’m feeling this pain in my chest. And I am done complaining.
I complain about not feeling accepted, heard, or cared for in this family, but would I be the same if I had received that in the beginning? Would I be the same if I didn’t essentially raise myself and have to learn life’s most valuable lessons on my own?
I’ve felt like this has been my curse, when it has really been my blessing, for if I had received the attention and approval of my parents, it would have stunted my growth. Thank you for neglecting me because you’ve taught me a valuable lesson in independence and self-love. It’s a lesson that not everyone learns, but everyone learns on their own.
From the day I was born, you tried to hide me because my hair was wild and you didn’t like the stares. (+) My hair stuck straight up, and I was born to stand out.
As a small child, you never wanted to play with me. You told me to play by myself in my room. (+) I learned to enjoy my own solitude as I entertained myself with my incredible imagination.
When my brother and sister were born so close together in age, you forgot about me. You let me get lost and left-behind. (+) I let myself wander and trust my own instincts to guide the way.
I had to switch schools six times growing up. I was always the new kid that never had a chance to fit in. (+) I learned to never feel attached to a person or a place, had the chance to reinvent myself multiple times, and I’ve lusted after a nomadic lifestyle ever since. (+) I gained connections to people I wouldn’t have met otherwise and introduced myself to life-long friends from all over the world.
When my teeth grew in crooked, you told me not to smile because it was ugly. (+) I learned to be more beautiful on the inside instead and to appreciate and develop my talents more. (+) I developed a sense of humor so that I could laugh at myself and teach others to laugh too. (+) I placed much more value on personality and a good heart rather than relying on outer beauty or popularity. (+) My teeth straightened themselves out, and I learned to have a reason behind my smile.
When I turned fifteen and all my friends were being taught how to drive, you were afraid to teach me so you made up excuses for why I wasn’t allowed to. You said the car was too big for me to learn in. You got a new smaller car, and then you were afraid I’d wreck the new car. You made me afraid to drive and be in control of my own life. You made me think I had no control and nowhere to go. (+) You taught me to earn my freedom when I bought my first car in cash after having to work in fast-food. (+) I learned to never rely on you for anything because I could accomplish it by myself, and I valued my independence so much more because I had to wait three years for it. (+) I learned to keep trying and never give up after the first two times I failed the test.
When I cried about having no friends and never feeling like I belonged anywhere, you told me to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself because nobody wanted to be friends with someone like that. You were right. You told me to change the thoughts in my head that were preventing me from connecting with people and to accept myself first or nobody else would. (+) I practiced this on the internet with online friends when I had nobody else around and now I have even more of a reason to travel. (+) Talking to strangers on the internet gave me the confidence to talk to strangers in real life. (+) I found people who thought I was hilarious, interesting, creative, and always loved to hear what I had to say. (+) I felt accepted and wanted, and I went from never leaving my room to never coming home.
You never missed me when I was gone because you never cared to get to know me. You never asked. Now you think I’m rebelling as I’m trying to expand and grow, and as I’m developing my own opinions and my own identity. But it’s nothing against you. You are not to blame for who I have become. I accept full credit and responsibility for all my actions. I’m choosing to be me. You taught me to first accept myself and be proud of who I am, but when will you be proud of me? Will you ever be?
If you ever cared to read this and you made it this far, thank you for shaping me into the person I am today. Thank you for reading and caring enough to finish. Even if you aren’t proud and you’re still embarrassed, I love you. And I know deep down you love me too.
You can’t tell me I’m wrong for feeling this way when I’m the only one who truly knows how I feel. I’ve felt neglected, rejected, and ignored. And all I’m craving is to feel adored. It isn’t right for me to take love for granted or to expect it, so I have to earn it and learn it for myself first. The most important lesson I’ve learned from you is to be self-reliant, but you can never teach me self-love. I’m running away to find myself and to find the love that I’ve always deserved. . .from myself and for myself.
Love,
Kiana
