#hpnd

[stergeon]

> Abscond. Disengage. Flee. With haste. And eggs.

Yes. Naturally. There is no need to create a scene of your own. Not all acts need to be met reciprocally and in the immediate term. Better you escape to plot your vengeance.

FERDINAND possesses an odd countenance at present, possibly due to concern about your next course of action (given his awareness of your HISTORY)—that, or he is simply nauseated by the din. You attempt to communicate your decision to choose patience via another "earnest expression," then take your leave.

And of course in your brief absence, THE PROFESSOR has found her way to LADY EDELGARD. How quaint. You suppose you ought to have expected this, given the time; she is likely well into her social breakfasts by now rather than her functional meals, so it is not surprising that she would abandon her gluttonous cohort in favor of other priorities.

At least HER MAJESTY is pleased that you have returned with her BREAKFAST, though you suspect her relief is more in relation to the fact that the dining hall’s walls are still intact and the day’s casualties yet number zero. You take no pleasure in the thought that she considers you capable of such wanton destruction—you very much are, of course, should she like a demonstration now, or ever, at any time, whenever she’d like.

Alluring as the image is, your thoughts are pulled away from devastation when LADY EDELGARD asks if you, FERDINAND, and DOROTHEA would like to take BREAKFAST together with her and the PROFESSOR—a question which gives you pause. Brilliant as the EMPEROR is, she ought to know better than to ask your opinion on personal matters. She has made it clear (on multiple occasions, and despite substantial debate) that mealtime companionship is not explicitly in your JOB description, but you do enjoy her company, and it could be tolerable to pass a few more minutes in conversation with the PROFESSOR and DOROTHEA. However, you fear for the dining hall’s structural integrity should you linger long within visual distance of the MEATHEAD SQUAD, and you were rather hoping to spend a bit more time alone with FERDINAND.

...

To ensure he does not disturb HER MAJESTY or anyone else’s meals with his boisterousness and handsomeness and volume. And for no other reasons.

Oh dear. All this WARPING on an empty stomach has left you somewhat disoriented: your thoughts are a muddle, and you are uncertain of how to respond.

How shall you BREAKFAST?

Breakfast with LADY EDELGARD, DOROTHEA, FERDINAND, and THE PROFESSOR.

Abandon the EMPEROR. Feast with FERDINAND.

Leave all to their own devices and take your meal in solitude.

OTHER: An alternative arrangement.

Voting ended onApr 15

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[stergeon]

> WARP around the MEATHEAD SQUAD to obtain BREAKFAST for LADY EDELGARD.

Assuring her that you are not attempting to circumvent your legal obligations regarding BREAKFAST, you bid LADY EDELGARD hold your snacks whilst you repress the ravenous rabble and obtain bacon and eggs in her name. She offers to handle the task herself as you'd discussed, but the danger is too great, and there simply isn't time.

The seconds are short, but this day, it seems, is infinitely long. By the time you arrive at LUNCH, you may already be withered and gray.

Thankfully you can still find the magic in MAGIC. You WARP to a vantage point that ought provide you unfettered access to the snacks ("snackcess," the PROFESSOR in your brain offers unhelpfully) without vexing the voracious vulgarians.

Alas. Would you were able to avoid indulging your flair for the dramatic. You have halted the charge, but at such cost.

It seems the esurient ensemble has abandoned its advance upon the eggs in favor of turning its vapid visage upon you. As unpleasant as this is, it does mean FERDINAND and DOROTHEA have also been spared their wrath, which has pleased FERDINAND. You avoid thinking about how this was a mere byproduct of your weakness for theatrics and make an earnest attempt to enjoy the results.

It is as ever: cede an inch, cede all. A most odious prattle has started up among the loudest members of the churlish cohort, and try as you might to disengage your hearing or dissuade them from speaking further, you are very much hearing what they are saying.

What shall you do?

Burst into song.

Let history repeat.

Abscond. Disengage. Flee. With haste. And eggs.

OTHER: A better plan, or perhaps a SCHEME.

Voting ended onDec 27, 2025

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[stergeon]

> BREAKFAST with LADY EDELGARD, DOROTHEA, FERDINAND, and THE PROFESSOR.

As HER MAJESTY wills it, so it shall be. It is your DUTY—and admittedly convenient for your purposes, to prove you are in legal compliance with the sustenance edicts she has imposed upon you. You agree to break your fast in her presence.

Of late, HER MAJESTY has been preferring to sup in mixed company rather than in her chambers or at her table. You suppose this development of her social comfort pleases you, but she would be terribly exposed in the center of the hall, and such an open location offers little opportunity for appropriate vigilance. It’s best you spare HER MAJESTY the mental load of determining the optimal seating arrangements and take the decision into your own hands.

An interior corner location near the door offers optimal safety; however, HER MAJESTY may not be satisfied with such an isolated location. You could take up residence in the center of the hall, which would most please HER MAJESTY, but may have deleterious effects upon your Stress Tolerance [ST]. Alternatively, you might seek shelter in the broader company of the MEATHEAD SQUAD, which—while offering optimal protection to THE EMPEROR, would impart its own havoc upon your Social Energy [SE].

Where shall you go?

Stash yourselves in the corner.

Place yourself center.

Entrust your fate to the MEATHEAD SQUAD.

OTHER: Elsewhere.

Voting ended onApr 19

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[stergeon]

> Have LADY EDELGARD accompany you back to the snack table.

Yes. This is an acceptable plan. It is not asking too much of THE EMPEROR to request that she walk any distance with you, particularly to do something she was going to do anyway. Never mind that the grueling process of exiting the unfamiliar haze of restful sleep has left her too delirious to realize that she is in her stocking feet. Never mind that she ought not need to concern herself with such trifles as fetching her own meal when there is a perfectly good YOU here to assist.

No... She is the EMPEROR, and what's more, she is her own woman. She is more than capable of seizing her own agency to wake when she likes, or dress how and when she wishes, or to obtain her own BREAKFAST. Her enacting these things under her own power does not make you any less useful. So she has promised you in the past—and by her word, you live and die, so it is so.

You suggest she partake in what eggs may remain, but whilst you were waxing melancholic for the place you once held in her life, you failed to recall that the MEATHEAD SQUAD is, and has been, engaged in motion.

Ah. It seems their time of arrival has gone from imminent to immediate.

What's to be done?

Prioritize LADY EDELGARD'S safety.

[FIGHT!] Restore order.

WARP around them to obtain BREAKFAST for LADY EDELGARD.

OTHER: Negotiate a peace with the MEATHEAD SQUAD.

Voting ended onApr 14, 2025

📖 GUIDE: If you vote for Other in the poll, please provide the action you want Hubert to take by leaving a reply on the post or in the tags.

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[stergeon]

> Attend HER MAJESTY.

You bid FERDINAND hold that thought, that you might see your duty done.

Then you fuck off with great haste.

In pleasant news, your powerful MAGICS were sufficient to bear you to HER MAJESTY'S side before any others. As you had hoped, the prospect of food appears to have kept THE PROFESSOR distracted long enough for you to have a private word with LADY EDELGARD; given the time, the woman must be well into her social BREAKFASTS by now rather than her functional meals, so it is unlikely that you will be able to enjoy this solitude for more than a few precious minutes. You endeavor to make the most of them.

As she is wont to do, HER MAJESTY waves off your respectful and appropriate bow of greeting and inquires as to your wellness. As you are wont to do, you lie. She humors you by not pushing the issue or saying anything that would require you to disengage your hearing, and you humor her by not commenting on her late arrival or rather alarming state of dress. As it is, you are grateful that she has come so far in perfecting the art of sleeping, and you fear a repeat of your previous conversation with DOROTHEA.

But you needn’t be afraid, for some is well. HER MAJESTY seems pleased that you have acquired a legally compliant breakfast and comments that she rather urgently needs to acquire her own. This, clearly, was an order that demands your immediate action.

What do you do?

Offer LADY EDELGARD your BREAKFAST.

Propose to obtain a suitable meal for LADY EDELGARD.

Have LADY EDELGARD accompany you back to the snack table.

OTHER: Say something else.

Voting ended onApr 7, 2025

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[stergeon]

> Politely excuse yourself to resume pursuit of snacks.

Yes… Despite how Ravenous you are, you are currently still capable of being polite, so you might as well make the most of your social grace while it remains. You interject to alert DOROTHEA and FERDINAND of the time, as well as the state of the line. The MEATHEAD SQUAD has yet to arrive, but you fear they could make an appearance at any moment.

Fortunately, DOROTHEA and FERDINAND are receptive to your urging, and what’s more, DOROTHEA indicates she would like to join you. While you might have liked to spend your time in BREAKFAST Purgatory with FERDINAND alone, you suppose this is agreeable. As it is, she is currently blocking the COFFEE.

As you make your way back to the end of the line, FERDINAND asks DOROTHEA where her betrothed is at present. She replies that PETRA is still asleep. You pity her. As you understand it, WYVERN LAG is most brutal.

FERDINAND comments that he would like to come visit them in BRIGID someday—a notion that pleases DOROTHEA immensely. In spite of yourself, you are similarly interested. Beyond the diplomatic benefits of such a visit, you have heard that the archipelago is home to unique flora and fauna that might be useful for your POISONS and VILE BREWS. Should you ever have the misfortune of acquiring a VACATION, it might not be so awful to go there, particularly if you were to do so with FERDINAND.

There are no other reasons why this prospect interests you.

No reasons at all.

Completely coincidentally, your brain is failing to brain right now, which probably puts you at a disadvantage in regards to a great many things. As to which things and what manner(s) of disadvantage(s), you cannot currently recall.

Be normal?

Be normal.

Beach? Beach?

FERDINAND.

OTHER: [Help]

Voting ended onDec 4, 2024

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[stergeon]

> Commend.

That's rather unnecessary. This guard has hardly done anything praiseworthy. You, too, are accomplished at standing and extremely accomplished at waiting—most days, anyway, barring extenuating circumstances, such as those you face at present. Still, it is true that flattery is, at times, a most effective weapon. And you do so love to employ a weapon.

Pleasingly, the guard is receptive to your commendation, and in further pleasing news, they have permitted you and your companions to take their place in line.

FERDINAND, unfortunately, does not view this as the diplomatic victory YOU do. He sets his broad shoulders, and he furrows his handsome brow, and a chill runs down your spine as you realize he is about to begin a diatribe. While he is an eloquent orator with a most mellifluous voice, you haven't time for his garrulous prolixity. You have time only for bacon and eggs.

You glance around for potential exit paths, finding only DOROTHEA and the rancid, rapidly-approaching aura of the MEATHEAD SQUAD, and to your horror, you discover that your situation has just become significantly more complicated:

HER MAJESTY, EDELGARD VON HRESVELG, has arrived at BREAKFAST.

Oh, dash it all. LADY EDELGARD has, quite obviously, not yet had her morning tea, and so is horrifically out of sorts.

What shall you do?

Attend HER MAJESTY.

Ensure FERDINAND and DOROTHEA are bebreakfasted.

Observe the guards.

OTHER: Another course of action.

Voting ended onMar 17, 2025

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[stergeon]

> Craft a politically savvy rationale for your actions.

Yes. This is the only way. You shall strike down those that bar your path to legal compliance, not with something so paltry as weaponry, nor with something so marvelous as MAGIC—you needn't exert yourself so. No, you shall do so with good old fashioned diplomacy. You set to placating the guard and convincing them of your rightness.

Firstly, YOU are HUBERT VON VESTRA, and YOUR JOB is very important. As much as you respect the rules and laws and the necessities and unnecessities of social etiquette, YOUR JOB, at times, demands that you make forays into rudeness. For these things, you apologize, and beg understanding.

Secondly, there is the matter of THE EMPEROR. After all, you are her trusted retainer and loyal vassal and minister and—well, see YOUR JOB. She depends upon you, and likely has gone without BREAKFAST herself, as she is wont to do (rather hypocritically, you think, but do not add). You simply must see that she acquires her own morning meal, and must be appropriately fed yourself. Were you to go hungry, you would be in violation of the law; this would greatly displease the EMPEROR, and when the EMPEROR is displeased, no one benefits.

Thirdly, what if the food has been laced with POISON? Who better to determine if this is the case than HER MAJESTY's most prodigious poisoner and poison taste-tester? It is a dark and vile world, filled with a great many hidden evils. Allow the experts to light the way along the road formidable. Allow you your bacon and eggs first.

Your politicking appears to have soothed the more irate of the two guards. Alas, his companion is not as easily impressed.

What say you to the other guard?

Commend.

Laugh.

Disagree.

OTHER: React differently.

Voting ended onMar 15, 2025

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