shane and ilya lovvvve to make each other jealous, but after years of having to see the other with people who are Not Them, it never ever manifests in that way now. instead, they are riling each other up over the most mundane shit. and it works every time.
Ilya: Your mother likes me sooo much
Shane: I know. Why are you telling me this?
Ilya: She just asked me to dinner
Shane: Tonight?
Ilya: Yes
Shane: Wtf. She didn’t invite me.
Ilya: I know 😘
Ilya: Don’t cry sweetheart I will bring u home doggy bag 😘
_ _ _
Shane: I'm fixing the sink today.
Ilya: NO!
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: You will wait for me! This is what you said!
Shane: That was before getting tortured by a leaky faucet all night.
Ilya: 😠
Shane: Don't be like that.
Ilya: Cruel boyfriend. Going back on his word 😠
Shane: Ilya I can't listen to this for three more days while i wait for you to come home.
Shane: I know you get all hot and weird about me fixing shit, but I'm going to die.
Shane: I'm fixing it.
Ilya: Now?
Shane: Yes now.
Ilya: Send me pic
Shane: [picture of pipes under the sink]
Ilya: No my beautiful cruel boyfriend I mean send pic of you. What you are wearing as you betray me.
Shane: Seriously?
Ilya: 😠
Shane: [picture of Shane reluctantly holding up a wrench]
Ilya: 😫😫😫😫
Ilya: Shaaaaaaaaane
Shane: Oh my god get a hold of yourself.
_ _ _
ilya’s deep in this thing where he delights in pissing off fans and the media just for shits and giggles, and that’s currently manifesting by taping his stick in the craziest, most unserious colors.
shane's at one of those events where you walk down the line of businesses and get free samples of their products in hopes of you repping them. anyway that's where he lays eyes on the most heinous tiger stripe tape he's ever seen in his life. of course he sends a pic to ilya.
Ilya: Ugly. Get me some.
Shane: One per customer. Already took mine sorry.
Ilya: You are Shane Hollander they will give you tape.
Ilya: Or take. For me. If you don’t want to talk to them again.
(ten minutes pass)
Ilya: Shane
Shane: I’m not stealing from an event Ilya.
(there are already four in his complimentary tote bag)
_ _ _
Ilya: Miss u
Shane: Miss you too. What are you up to it’s late.
Ilya: [One New Picture]
Shane: Oh fuck Ilya
Shane: Wait what is that
Ilya: What
Ilya: This?
Ilya: [One New Video]
Shane: When did you get that?
Ilya: Came yesterday.
Ilya: Nice to have something to fuck when ur away
Shane: Oh.
Ilya: Don't be jealous Shane
Shane: I'm not jealous of a piece of plastic.
Ilya: Good
Ilya: Feels better than I imagined tho fuck
Ilya: Sooo tight
Shane: It can’t be THAT tight.
(two minutes pass)
Shane: Ilya.
Shane: It can't be that tight.
Ilya: Oh yes. nothing tighter than this.
Ilya: Fuck hollander
Shane: [Incoming Facetime]
_ _ _
Ilya: [picture of sun catching in beautiful water]
Shane: Jesus that’s nice. Where are you?
Ilya: Midwest somewhere.
Ilya: Lake Michigan.
shane life360s him and he’s actually next to some fuckass pond at a rest stop in iowa but-
Ilya: You want to be by pretty water soooooo bad
Shane: Shut up.
Ilya: God Shane you should hear all these weird fucking birds
Ilya: Could be recording them for bird app
Ilya: Bird pervert
Shane: That app is to identify birdsong and you know it Ilya.
Ilya: Sun is hitting water so nice
Ilya: Very sad
Ilya: No lake for you 😔
Shane: Fuck off.
(five minutes pass)
Shane: Get me a rock.
(there are already four in ilya's pocket)
shane and ilya looove making each other jealous and riling each other up over mundane shit: Husband Edition
Ilya: Call me pls and tell me to come home
Shane: What are you trying to get out of? You’re with Marlow and the guys right?
Ilya: Questions are unimportant
Ilya: Please call
Shane: Aren’t you the one who invited them to hang out?
Ilya: Yes and now I want to be home with my handsome husband who is very kind to me and gives me excuse
Shane: Why do I have to be the bad guy?
Ilya: ENOUGH QUESTIONS PLEASE CALL
Shane: Fine after I shower. Got 5 miles in.
Shane: I’m all sweaty and nasty.
Shane: Wouldn’t be able to handle yourself if you were here.
Ilya: NO DONT SHOWER WAIT FOR ME
Shane: Be good ttys
Ilya: 😫😫😫😫😫
_ _ _
Shane: I already got meal prep stuff on Sunday. What’s this second charge on the card for?
Ilya: Why are u on phone at physical therapy again
Shane: Twice the food is gonna go bad.
Ilya: Not for u
Ilya: For rookie
Shane: What do you mean?
Shane: Ilya what does this mean?
Ilya: He asks his very smart captain for healthy diet and of course I know one plan very well
Shane: Wait sorry you’re using my meal prep with someone else?
Ilya: Is good plan. Good for rookie too. He needs help very bad.
Ilya: I am so nice yes?
Shane: Maybe a little too nice.
Ilya: Don’t be jealous I will still prep with u like always ❤️
Shane: I'm not jealous.
Ilya: Jealous and lying about it. My favorite Shane.
Ilya: U probably look very sweet rn
Shane: Fuck you. I’m gonna kill and eat you.
Ilya: 😍
[45 minutes pass]
Shane: Please tell me this edible arrangement coming into the PT building isn’t from you.
[two minutes pass]
Shane: Ilya Jesus Christ.
Ilya: 😘
Shane: 🙄💙
_ _ _
Ilya: Husband
Shane: Esteemed colleague...
Ilya: Did u forget something this morning?
[solid 30 seconds of radio silence]
Shane: I don’t think so? Did I?
Shane: I have everything.
Ilya: OK
[additional 30 seconds of radio silence]
Shane: Fuck I forgot to tell you I was leaving again, didn’t I?
Ilya: 😒
Shane: I’m sorry. My brain was going really fast this morning I was thinking of a lot of stuff.
Ilya: But not of ur husband.
Shane: I’m sorry baby.
Ilya: Do not baby me Shane u have grown tired of me.
Shane: Oh my god no I haven’t. You can’t keep saying that every time I forget to say goodbye.
Ilya: More interested in ur silly shoe photoshoot.
Shane: It’s not silly.
Ilya: Not even a kiss on ur way out of door.
Shane: You were still in bed! I said I’m sorry!
Ilya: 😒
Shane: I’m sorry. I love you. What can I pick up for you on the way home?
Ilya: A husband that chooses me over foot fetish clown shoes
Shane: Okay so McDonalds? Do you want a shake?
Ilya: Goodbye Shane.
[10 seconds of radio silence]
Ilya: Chocolate shake.
Ilya: Hashbrown.
Shane: I don't think they'll still be honoring their breakfast menu by the time I get there.
Ilya: OMG you hate me
_ _ _
Shane: Dad wants to know if you’re going to the car show.
Ilya: Yes I will text him.
Ilya: Are u still pissed about this?
Shane: I was never pissed about this.
Ilya: Lol
Ilya: OK
Shane: I don’t even like cars.
Ilya: Exactly
Shane: You like cars. It makes sense for him to give his extra ticket to you.
Shane: And not his own son.
Shane: Who had to reschedule lunch with him on that day.
Shane: After already making the reservation.
Shane: And will now be sitting at home alone while his dad and husband hang out instead to look at stupid ugly fucking cars together.
Ilya: Wow glad ur not still pissed.
_ _ _
Ilya: The cat is scratching again.
Shane: Yeah they do that.
Shane: An old guy responded to the post so I'll reunite her with him once I get home, since you have some sort of drama with her.
Shane: And then I'll text my upholstery guy. What is it, the couch?
Ilya: ME
Shane: What?
Ilya: She is scratching me Shane!
Shane: Oh.
Shane: I don't think he can do anything about that.
Ilya: Yes I am OK thank u for asking!!
Shane: ...are you okay?
Ilya: No! I will be glad when she's gone!
Shane: We found her in a parking lot. She's had a tough time. We should be lenient with her I think.
Ilya: Easy for u to say when u are not the one bleeding.
Shane: I don't get your beef with her.
Shane: Just a couple more hours.
Ilya: She hisses and makes scary face and claws me and you love her so much!
Shane: I do not love her so much.
Ilya: Yes you do. She takes all of your time.
Shane: That's not true. She'll be reunited in a couple hours and then you can go back to getting all of my attention okay?
Ilya: 😑
Shane: Okay I'm gonna drive ttys ily
Ilya: Buckle up kitten
Shane: Don't call me that.
_ _ _
Shane: I wanna go home.
Shane: Do some captain shit and make the meeting end.
Shane: Please.
[three minutes pass]
Shane: I know you feel your phone going off.
[one minute passes]
Shane: Hello???
[two excruciating minutes pass]
Shane: Ilya please this plug is a nightmare.
Shane: You knew it was a nightmare when you told me to put it in.
Shane: Call it so we can go home and you can fuck me.
[thirty seconds pass]
Shane: Ilya
Shane: Look at your phone.
Shane: !
Shane: !
Shane: !
Shane: !
Shane: !
Shane: !
Shane: Don't laugh! I see you laughing, asshole!
Shane: Take me home!
Shane: Please
Shane: I see you reading these.
Shane: No way he's saying anything more important than me.
Shane: Your husband
Shane: Wearing a plug for you
Shane: You fucking dick
Shane: Stop talking to him.
Shane: Please baby I'm gonna die if you don't fuck me soon.
Shane: I saw that!
Shane: If you end the meeting right now I'll let you fuck me in the car.
Shane: You can cum inside me.
Shane: Plug me back up with it for the drive home.
Shane: I'll suck your cock.
Shane: Ilya
Shane: I'm not gonna stop until you call the meeting.
Shane: Maybe I should send you one of the pictures I took this morning.
Shane: Don't look at me like that. You're not the only one who can play dirty.
Shane: Or you could just tell him to fuck off and call the meeting and fuck me in the car like you want to.
Shane: It'd be so easy.
Shane: I'm so wet and ready for your cock.
Shane: You would just sink right in.
Shane: Please Ilya I need you. Not him.
Shane: Okay fuck you I tried to be nice.
Shane: [One New Photo]
today's theme: horny texting throughout the years [more]
Shane: I know you’re not going to be happy but I can’t stand it anymore. I’m shaving.
Ilya: Noooo
Ilya: One more night
Shane: Ugh Ilya...
Ilya: One more beard burn. You always shave so I can't feel
Shane: Fine. But I get to decide where. And you don’t get to bitch about it.
Ilya: I think after this week I am used to your scruff against my face and thighs sweetheart
Shane: I’m not talking about your face or thighs sweetheart.
Ilya: What else?
Ilya: Oh
Ilya: I’m coming home rn be ready
_ _ _
Ilya: This is Shane Hollander?
Shane: What?
Ilya: My friend gave me #
Ilya: Love to watch u play. I have seen all ur games :)
Shane: …okay.
Shane: Thank you?
Ilya: My friend said u would be shy lol
Shane: Not shy. Just trying to figure out what’s going on.
Ilya: What’s going on is ur biggest fan is texting u to say ur the hottest player in the league ;)
Shane: Thanks.
Shane: That’s inaccurate though.
Ilya: ?
Shane: Ilya Rozanov is the hottest player in the league. By far.
Ilya: I mean hottest in looks
Ilya: Sexiest
Shane: I know.
Shane: That’s Rozanov.
Ilya: So you do like men. Good to know ;)
Ilya: You are very good at stick handling. Maybe sometime u can handle mine.
Shane: I don’t even know who you are.
Ilya: [One New Photo]
Shane: Wow. Didn’t realize I had such jacked fans.
Ilya: Big dick too
Shane: Don’t believe you.
Ilya: [One New Photo]
Ilya: You like?
Shane: I like.
Ilya: How much?
Ilya: Would u fuck a fan Shane?
Shane: Maybe one. If he could be discreet.
Ilya: Trust me if you come by it will be you who has to try hard to be quiet ;)
Ilya: [Location Sent]
Shane: Wait is this real?
Shane: You’re in town rn?
Ilya: Door is unlocked. Don’t keep ur fan waiting Shane Hollander.
_ _ _
Shane: I’m hard.
Ilya: And hello to u too ;)
Shane: Hello. Your flight got in? You’re home?
Ilya: Yes. And you are at awards dinner yes?
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: Lol you like hockey a little too much i think
Shane: Shut up. It’s not because of that.
Ilya: Sure
Shane: I can’t stop thinking about last night.
Shane: I can still feel you inside. What the fuck did you do to me?
Ilya: Fuck Hollander.
Ilya: That is your fault. You were begging for it so deep
Ilya: Go to bathroom and call me
Shane: I can’t.
Ilya: Why not
Shane: I can’t stand up.
Shane: They’ll see.
Ilya: Oh u are HARD hard huh sweetheart
Ilya: Show has started?
Shane: About to.
Ilya: Wait for lights to go out. Then go to the bathroom.
Ilya: And until then don’t think about me under the table sucking your poor big achey cock.
Shane: Oh my god fuck you. Why would you say that to me right now!
Ilya: You love it
Ilya: Like how u loved it hitting that deep last night
Ilya: We could feel me in ur tummy remember? ;)
Shane: That was so fucking hot.
Shane: Also fuck you - I’m turning my phone off until I can get out.
Ilya: LOL
(eleven minutes pass)
Shane: In the bathroom.
Ilya: Alone?
Shane: Yeah.
Ilya: [Incoming Call…]
_ _ _
Shane: Good evening, Mr. Rozanov. Thank you for choosing our resort for your stay this weekend. Unfortunately we are no longer able to fulfill your request.
Ilya: What is this. You are forwarding me something?
Shane: Due to unforeseeable circumstances we will have to cancel your stay with us. We hope you understand!
Ilya: Hm. Where was I staying?
Shane: Bali
Ilya: For how long?
Shane: Three nights and possibly an additional day because you really liked the resort package and also the pina colada at the swim up bar
Ilya: I see
Ilya: This is unacceptable
Ilya: You will need to compensate me.
Shane: Of course! Your account has already been fully reimbursed.
Ilya: Not good enough
Ilya: Who am I speaking with
Shane: My name is Shane, sir.
Ilya: I was promised beautiful views Shane. You will have to show them to me now instead.
Shane: I don’t know what you mean. What would you have me do?
Ilya: I think you know.
Shane: Surely you’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.
Shane: That’s extremely inappropriate, Mr. Rozanov.
Shane: They’ll fire me if they find out.
Ilya: I come to this business for a service. If your owner does not serve me, then you will
Ilya: Now let me see you Shane
Shane: [One New Photo]
Ilya: They have handsome face like yours working phone? Waste. Just like how you waste my time now.
Ilya: Give me something better.
Shane: Better…? What do you suggest?
Ilya: Something worth my time.
Ilya: Shirt off. Mouth open. Tongue out.
Shane: Are you being serious?
Ilya: You will provide compensation you said
Shane: [One New Photo]
Ilya: Good boy. You look delicious like this. More.
Shane: I don’t know what to do.
Ilya: Yes you do. You are already imagining my cock filling ur mouth yes?
Shane: Oh fuck.
Shane: Yes sir.
Ilya: Where else could I put it hm? Another place tight and warm.
Shane: [One New Photo]
Shane: Like here?
Ilya: Exactly there. Fuck you are gorgeous. You must know this.
Shane: Yes sir.
Ilya: You are here to serve me aren’t you
Shane: Fuck yes.
Shane: Yes sir.
Ilya: Get somewhere private. I’m calling in thirty seconds.
Ilya: [Incoming Facetime…]
(one hour-long call later)
Shane: Wait should we actually go to Bali or something?
Shane: I’m pulling up the calendar.
Shane: What the fuck is "Suckfest With Marly" on the 17th
_ _ _
Shane: Okay where did you put it this time?
Ilya: Where did I put what 🤔
Shane: Ilya you can’t keep hiding it every time you leave for a couple days. It’s childish.
Shane: And mean.
Ilya: Oh no. Are u already hard baby? Can’t find your toy?
Shane: Where is it.
Ilya: Be patient. I will be home Saturday to fill u up how u need.
Shane: Tell me where it is and I’ll send pics.
Ilya: No u won’t.
Shane: I’m wearing the black jockstrap with the red trim. Put it on especially for you.
Ilya: Bottom shelf in garage
Shane: Seriously? What the fuck is your problem.
Ilya: ❤️
Ilya: Picture
Ilya: Shane
Ilya: Hello?
Ilya: Asshole.
more peeks into shane and ilya's texts! today's theme is: There Is No Theme [more]
Shane: [screenshot of unknown number] Is this Svetlana?
Ilya: ???
Ilya: Why
Shane: This number just texted me an incriminating photo of you and I want to make sure it’s actually her and not some papp freak.
Ilya: Delete
Shane: No.
Shane: Is this her?
Ilya: U can ignore
Ilya: I have no incriminating photos
Shane: There’s no way you actually believe that.
Shane: Maybe idiotic is the better word.
Shane: How'd you fit all of that in your mouth without choking?
Shane: Ilya I can hear you sweating from the living room…
(sudden shuffle of footsteps quickly approaching down the hall)
_ _ _
Ilya: Hollander…
Shane: Holy shit how did you see it so fast?
Shane: My water bottle accidentally hit it when I was leaving. It’s just a dink.
Shane: I've already got someone who knows about sports cars coming to look at it while you’re out so it’s taken care of.
Ilya: Sneak
Ilya: Behind my back
Ilya: Not Antoni?
Shane: Antoni would narc on me.
Ilya: So u invite stranger into our home to touch her instead
Shane: Into our garage. And obviously I was gonna be there the whole time.
(three minutes pass)
Shane: Are you mad at me? I can’t tell if you’re actually mad.
Ilya: Keep ur new fancy running shoes close
Shane: Real answer please.
(two minutes pass)
Ilya: I’m not mad
Ilya: But u owe me now
Shane: Fine.
Shane: Owe you how?
Shane: Wait should I cancel the house call? If you finally give me Antoni’s number I can text him and get him out.
Ilya: Stop worrying about the car Shane and start worrying about what color u will be waiting for me in tonight
Shane: Oh god…
_ _ _
Shane: Send me a pic please.
Ilya: For what?
Shane: I’m bored. Plane doesn’t take off for another hour.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: She’s cute. Wanted one of you though.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: I can’t see your face.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Hi :) You’re cute too. More please.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Nice. Now take your shirt off.
Ilya: Bossy
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Let me see lower.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Lower.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Lower baby.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: Now bark for me.
Ilya: Hahaha yes I’m sure u want very bad
Shane: 😎
Ilya: Come home to me first Hollander and then we will see
_ _ _
Shane: Fuck I am running SO fucking late.
Ilya: What happened?
Shane: Interview ran long even though I said I had a strict cutoff tonight and then my ride got lost picking me up and now no one knows how to drive in this fucking city!
Shane: Are you already there?
Ilya: No sweetheart
Shane: Fuck you’re already there.
Shane: I’m so sorry Ilya.
Ilya: Is no problem I am playing fun game while I wait. U are wealthy Mr. Business Man who made this reservation and I am ur pretty kept boy.
Shane: 😔
Shane: That’s not funny.
Ilya: Shane u need to relax. They are out of ur control these things.
Shane: It’s our fucking anniversary Ilya.
Ilya: And u have me. I’m not going anywhere.
Ilya: I would wait for u even if we were not married and this was first date.
Shane: Really?
Ilya: Yes really. Terrible problem we kept boys have.
Ilya: Look. They bring over bottle of wine while I wait for you.
Ilya: [one new photo]
Shane: That’s nice I guess.
Ilya: It is. Very dry. U would hate it. Good that u are not here yet.
Ilya: I will order us something fruity and childish when u arrive yes?
Ilya: A nice fruit punch for my boring husband.
Shane: Shut up.
Shane: I love you.
Ilya: But I love u more.
Shane: Be there soon okay?
Ilya: Table is in back. Look for very handsome man ordering fruit punch.
_ _ _
Shane: Where’d you go?
Ilya: Need air
Shane: You okay?
Ilya: No
Shane: What’s the gameplan
Ilya: Side door
Ilya: Alley
Shane: I’m coming.
_ _ _
Shane: I can’t believe how lucky I am to have your
Shane: ;you
Ilya: U are having stroke?
Ilya: How many fingers am I holding up ✌🏻
Shane: Like stupid lucky seriously how did i land you
Ilya: Oh I see. Jackie has given u wine again. My favorite 😘
Shane: I’m serious ilya
Shane: Hesr me
Ilya: Yes sweetheart I hear u
Shane: So many people want you
Ilya: Oh?
Shane: Soooo many
Ilya: How many? 🤔
Shane: Like everyone probably
Shane: But they can’t have you
Ilya: No? Why not?
Shane: Because I have you
Shane: Your mine
Ilya: Fuck I love when ur drunk
Ilya: What color
Shane: What?
Ilya: Wine
Shane: Yeah and like a lot
Ilya: Shane focus pls and tell me what color wine are u drinking
Shane: Red
Ilya: Oh. U should come home right now probably
Shane: I’m fine i just love you
Shane: Jesus
Ilya: I’m not saying ur not fine I’m saying u get very slutty with red wine and i’m going to fuck u for it
Shane: !
Shane: Slurry
Shane: Slurry
Shane: Omg
Ilya: Ur autocorrect does not know this word sweetheart
Ilya: I will say it for you 😘
Shane: I do not get slurry
Shane: Slutty
Ilya: Ur not thinking about me fucking u over the couch?
Shane: No!
Ilya: Liar
Shane: I’m thinking about riding you
Ilya: On the couch?
Shane: On the couch
Ilya: Yes baby not slutty at all
Shane: 😠
Ilya: No angry face. I love when u are sexy little wine drunk slut for me
Shane: Ok
Ilya: ?
Shane: I’m ready
Ilya: For what
Shane: To fuck come pick me up now please
Ilya: Shane sweetheart u drove
Shane: Are you coming or no
Ilya: Omw
Ilya: Tell Pike to pack leftovers u will need it
