Shovel
I never meant to bury you with the sand from within the hole I was trying to dig myself out of.
I only meant to free myself so I could lift you up and out.
At some point I must have lost sight of what my goal had been
I only want to arise out of the depths with your hand in mine victorious.
But all we did was bury each other.
I had been so focused on how I thought that you were trying to bury me that I failed to realize I had completely exahusted all of your energy and you’re the only hope you had of making it out alive was for me to drown first.
I lost sight of you.
I wanted to be enough, but my constant need for your attention was so exahusting.
My constant dumping and judging was knocking the wind from your lungs, but you stuck around because you thought you could save me from myself.
I did not think you loved me any more and I certainly could not love myself , how could you love me.
I need to love myself.
I need to love myself enough to throw sand in the other direction and pull you up from the pit of selfishness I had been drowning you in.
I needed to turn in the other direction and walk away.
Maybe for you I was a means to and end, but I never wanted to lose you.
At some point I let you take on all of the authority and power, and I lost myself so deeply I could not see your resentment.
Instead of owning who I had become I just grew to hate myself alongside you.
Validating your feelings in the most toxic way.
We both grew to hate me together.
I could no longer see the validation I do desperately sought from you
I started spewing my anger to anyone who did not have deaf ears.
I let people who loved you hate you for me,
Because I was to weak to hate you, and too busy hating myself, I just became a plague.
Toxic.
I can never take back a second of what has been done.
I can never justify my actions in this,
But I can walk away, let you heal, and let you free from the sand I’ve been throwing in your face.
I can let the stale air out of the house we once called our home because I can close the door behind me, and I will leave a window open.
I hope that you are able to breathe and bask in newness.
Breathe with out fear or anxiety.
Air, no more digging, only freedom