#human-steve

[solarmusick]

does anyone know where to find the original human-steve thread? i want to reblog it instead of posting the screencaps from that Other site, but tumblr's search function infamously sucks the big one, so that's not working

[howdoaliensseehumans]

Humans and their Explosions

Humans have been captivated with explosives since their invention. It could be from wanting to be the loudest things around, the feeling of the pressure wave, or being visually and/or audibly pleasing. It could even be an evolved conflict in the brain resulting from the reward and FoF centers activating simultaneously at the sight of fire. Whatever the reason, it is a direct influence on the speed of their technological advancement.

________

Steve: Hey Jim, check out this thing the aliens gave us for the experiment!

Jim: Cool! Want to blow it up to see what happens?

S: Heck yeah!

~1 year and many explosions later~

Altraz: Why where you trying to destroy the thing we gave you for the experiment?

J: At first it was to see what it looked like. After it withstood the first explosion, we wanted to see just what it would take to destroy it.

S: Turns out, only the highest of ordinance humans can safely make stopped it from working.

J: So we reverse-engineered how to make the material it is made of and it is now used in everything from toys to Starship fleets.

A: It’s been a year! How did you figure out how to make it so quickly? It took my species 600 years to perfect it when the Gremforal gifted us it!

S: You can learn a lot about something by knowing how it fails.

[aceasadhd]

Human-Steve

I had a dream last night, and this is the start of it.

Human-Steve was the sole human aboard the starship Quasey. He was long over the annoyance of his nickname given to him by the crew seven units ago, to the point that he couldn’t think of himself as anything else.

Despite being highly recommended and sort after, Human-Steve didn’t seem to bond well with the rest of the crew. Oh, he’ll do anything for them up to and including giving his life, and they would do the same for him. On a personal level, there was only so many times he could be on the end of a blank stare before Human-Steve stopped trying to converse during mealtimes. Apparently being the only engineer on board wasn’t hint enough that no one else got excited about mechanics or quantum bypasses.

So Human-Steve kept mainly to himself, he would eat in his chair in engineering with his feet up on the console and the lastest Earth-Pop on blast, as long as he showed up for the weekly team meetings no one would disturb him.

Human-Steve was aware of the party in the commissary because he was invited during the last meeting. Well, everyone was asked, but the Captain did make eye contact with Human-Steve, so he counted that as a win. The previous time Human-Steve got plastered he ended up breaking down crying at one of the ambassadors that the D4-X9 engine had been decommissioned and woke up with his wall covered in blueprints.  

Usually, Human-Steve put in a mandatory appearance right at the beginning and slipped out with a plate of horderves and a flash of the good alcohol before making his way back down to his cave to do some system maintenances that were being put off. So that’s what he was going to do again, collect some food, head back to start some programs and maybe binge-watch some Stantian-Soaps while he upgraded some wiring.

About 2 hours into the system updates Human-Steve was settled in for the night when a noise started him at the door. He turned to yell at the person for not giving him pryer warning when he laid eyes on them, and every single thought left his brain only to be replaced with Oh Gods, They’re Hot.

It was like they had walked out of one of Human-Steves wet dreams and straight into Engineering. They were standing on three large tentacles and multiple smaller ones poking in and out of their uniform. Their head was almost the equivalent of an Earth snake with more definition around the eyes. Human-Steve could feel the blood pooling in his groin.

“Um, hi?” Human-Steve said dumbly.

“Hello, I am Zzyzx of the Gorgated species,” The walking God-like creature answered, “I am the Quasey’s new science officer.”

Human-Steve could vaguely recall the part of the meeting when this information was given to him, but it was faint and far away.

“Yeah?” was all Human-Steve’s brain could supply.

Zzyzx stepped further in the door, “I did not see you at the welcome party earlier.”

“Er, systems, reports,” Human-Steve stuttered out the longtime excuse, he took a small breath and started again, “Um, some system updates that are easier to implement when no one is using, well, the systems.”

Zzyzx nodded in understanding, which was good because Human-Steve wasn’t sure he understood himself, “I wanted to make sure I met everyone tonight before starting my duties tomorrow.”

Something finally caught up with him, “Oh, I’m Human-Steve, Chief Engineer and Head of Stupid Decisions, unofficially Head that is, it’s the human part, they gave me the title after the business with the star and the.” Human-Steve quickly shut his mouth tight and internally cursed himself for rambling, “Um, yeah so welcome.” He wiped his hand on his overalls just in case some of the lubricants from some earlier repairs was still there and held it out.

Zzyzx looked at the outstretched hand and back at Human-Steve's face then back at hand. The longer this went on; the longer Human-Steve panicked that he had made a grave cultural error when a group of tentacles slithered around his fingers and some larger ones explored further up his arm. It was going to fuel wet dreams for units to come.

He noticed that where the tentacles made contact, there was a tingly warm to them. Human-Steve gave his fingers a wiggle to see what the small tentacles would do. They seemed to like it and wiggled back, Human-Steve could feel himself smiling at them. They slowly retreated away and with a final flick at his pulse-point then were gone.

“Did I do it right?” ZZyzx’s words pulled Human-Steve back into reality, “the ‘Hand-Shake’, it’s a human custom isn’t it?”

“Oh yeah,” Human-Steve laughed, “Yeah you did it right, sorry I didn’t even ask about you touch sensitivity.”

“It’s fine,” Zzyzx replied, “I would have told you if it was different. Though I should have mentioned, I can get impressions from people with a touch. I’m not compatible with a lot of people, but I seemed to get an impression on you.”

And there it was, here lies Human-Steve, died as he lived, a constant source of embarrassment.

“So,” Human-Steve trying to act nonchalant put his hands on his hips, his right hand still radiating the warm feeling, “what did you get?”

“That you are kind to a fault, excited about new experiences, curious by nature and well for the other thing,” Zzyzx came as close to Human-Steve without touching, “I’ll send you some documents on Gorgated mating rituals and habits in the morning.”

With that, Zzyzx headed out the door, “It was nice meeting you Human-Steve.”

With all the heavy breathing Human-Steve was doing it took him quite a while to move again.

[howdoaliensseehumans]

Humans are Space Orcs: Acclimatization

Altraz: How are you even able to do this, Steve?

Human: What do you mean?

A: Are you kidding me? You just got assigned the complete opposite of your current schedule!

H: Yeah. It’s going to be a rough adjustment period, but I’ll be fine.

A: You have not even been given ample time!

H: Three weeks is more than enough time. Humans are tough like that.

A: Altrazi can endure near lethal wounds and still run circles around humans! You do not get to pull that card!

H: Geez, calm down. It is called acclimatization, which basically means we can  adapt to new environmental stresses in as little as seconds. The greater the stress, the longer it takes to adapt. A 12 hour shift in schedule takes a minimum of a weeks to adjust.

A: That...is scary.

H: Says the Altraz.

[theanishimori]

[image description: tall hairless alien wearing a white outfit reminiscent of medical white gown, overlaid with text] 

A quick reminder: 

If you are injured on an alien planet, ask for a Veterinarian, not a Doctor. 

Their doctors are going to be giving only species-specific care for the natives. Only their vets are going to have the broad-spectrum knowledge base to make sense of your unusual anatomy.

Safe travels! 

[magical-pkmn-master]

Okay so I wanna jump on the Humans are space orcs thing because just imagine a human showing off the Jurassic Park movies? And the aliens just being flabbergasted at their human friend's desire to actually see or own a dinosaur for real, and unthinkingly revealing that there are planets out there that actually still HAVE dinosaurs.

"Human-Steve, why would a human believe that the pack hunters only live in groups of 4 to 6? They live among communities of many to help defend their young and hunt larger prey."

"...how exactly would you know that?"

"Oh, a planet near my homeworld has them: we have observed and cataloged many of their-"

"Are there T-Rexs?"

"The large hunters? Why of course! However your scientists incorrectly calculated the speed at which they-"

"I want to ride a T-Rex! Let's go!"

"Human-Steve, NO!"

Feel free to add if anyone has any thoughts.

@space-australians