I'm in such a "Humanity is Good, Actually" Mindspace Right now.
It feels kinda weird to be sitting at such a positive baseline attitude, but I really like it. I couldn't imagine feeling this way two years ago.
Like yeah, Shit is bad. The world is getting hotter and more wild, But things are changing for the Better, at least personally, and as I improve, I can improve it in turn!
More people are speaking out against injustice, and the climate, and thing are changing.
Even as smoke from a distant wild fire wraps around my home, It'll blow past in time. I know it will. It always has.
I don't have the eloquence and the focus to describe each and every way that I love life and the things and people in it, despite the hardships, despite the cruelty that I've been through and suffered, as well as the pain that I took and used to hurt others, I've Changed.
I'm not just trying to be wallpaper, With my chin up, head down, eyes forward, mouth shut, with my back against the wall to stay out of the way. I'm learning to to carve my out my own space instead, and put myself together, and be myself, instead of trying to break myself down, to hide and be so unobstructive and noticeable that I end up hating myself when I stand out.
I feel good about myself, and the future, and where I'm going and What I'm doing.
I spent so long trying to be anyone else, to be able to do whatever was asked of me, and just grit my teeth no matter how uncomfortable or bad I felt doing something, but now?
Now I can do kinda whatever I want.
Yeah, I still need to work on voicing my discomfort, and yeah some things you just need to suck up and take care of (Doctors make me so GD nervous) But I'm good.
There are good and bad things about everyone. Some people just don't mesh with each other, I know that, I've had to deal with it a lot because of just how different I am from my siblings.
I know I have low empathy, and I'm easily irritable. But I have a lot of compassion and hate seeing people sad.
I choose to be good, to try and not take any sour mood out on people when they make a mistake unrelated to my mood.
I am good because I choose to be. Because after so long of the hell that is/was covid, and the true nightmare of an experience that is Not getting seen as Autistic/ADHD when in the American Public School System, I can finally be myself.
I can smile with my crooked teeth, complain about the texture of Paper, wear my hair long and in a ponytail, and when I want to go outside for a moment to breathe? I can. I don't need to ask permission, I just can step outside the building for a minute.
I'm excited for the future. Scared, yes, but excited.
Sorry for the rambling, but y'know.