He ain’t heavy||Hummelbros Para
Who: @gleedalekurt && @ghoulishboyhummel
When: 27th March 2018
Where: Pop’s parking lot
Notes: The day Kurt was kicked out by Burt, Aaron comes to help him calm down. Lots of brotherly love.
Triggers: Anxiety/Panic Attacks
Word count: 4,732
KURT in BOLD && AARON in ITALIC
Kurt didn't know what he was going to do. He'd left the police station, gone home to pack a small bag and grab his car and then driven to the only place he knew was open 24 hours a day and where he would feel safe if he had to sleep in his car. He was finding it more difficult to control his breathing and knew it wasn't safe to start driving when his tears just wouldn't stop falling. His doors were unlocked as he was expecting Aaron and he was sat in the drivers seat, the chair back tilted slightly and his knees pulled up to his chest, his head feeling light from the sobbing and his chest was hurting.
Aaron was fuming, he couldn't believe Burt had the nerve to kick Kurt out. Especially just because he wasn't agreeing with everything he says now, and then calling him a disappointment on top of it? If it wouldn't land him in serious trouble he'd probably go storming into the station and start yelling at him. But he told Kurt he'd be there, so that's where he was going. He threw on his Ghoulie jacket and went out to his motorcycle, driving quickly to Pop's and parking next to his brother's car. Aaron moved over to the passenger's side and got in, "Hey, almost decided to go to the station instead to ask Burt what the fuck he was thinking but I'll have time to do that later." He spoke with a grin, trying to cheer him up already.
Kurt watched as Aaron pulled up and and heard him get on the car and say words. He knew Aaron was trying to make him laugh, but his body wasn't responding as he continued to sob. His breathing was erratic and he felt like he was having another panic attack. Before he could stop himself from doing so, his body fell into Aaron's, his face buried itself in Aaron's side, "I...I...I r..ruined everything" he choked out.
For a moment, Aaron had no clue what to do, comforting was not something he had much experience in. But he gently rubbed his hand up and down Kurt’s body. “You didn’t ruin everything, Kurt. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Right now he had to put his anger at Burt aside and try to figure out how to calm his brother down before things got worse. “Take deep breaths, okay?”
Kurt didn't know how uncomfortable he was making Aaron feel, he'd imagined Aaron hadn't had to deal with this type of emotion before or in a long time but, he knew he needed someone strong to just hold him and tell him it was OK. It didn't even bother Kurt any more that he was in fact crying into a Ghoulie jacket. He nodded and tried hard to control his breathing, his hands shaking as they clung to Aaron's top, "I've lost everything" he cried, "My dad, my home, my job... I'm surprised you and Ale even want to stick around" he sobbed.
“We want to stick around because we care about you and love you. If you honestly think you’re too much of a wreck for us to want to be around then that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Since it seemed to he working, Aaron kept his hand motions going, “None of that was your fault and Ale and I know that. It was Burt not being able to handle that his word isn’t law anymore.” The suggestion that Aaron of all people wouldn’t stick around was laughable to him, especially since he continuously thought that it would be the other way around.
Kurt moved his head slightly so he was now staring at the window but he still had it pressed against Aaron. Even for him, the felt foreign, getting a hug from your brother. Especially our badass Ghoulie brother. He tried to smile but it didn't work and so he nodded, "Dad was so awful" he said, sounding a bit more coherent but still broken, "He called you Ghoulie trash. He's meant to be your father and he called that". If Kurt was honest, hearing such hurtful things about Aaron had nearly destroyed him, "He also said they were looking at making an arrest, soon" he admitted, not sure how Aaron would react. He hadn't specifically said it was Aaron they were coming for because the words, they burnt at him even thinking about them.
Aaron nodded, like he was barely even phased by his adopted father’s comments. “I think we dropped the father/son relationship a while back. Besides, I’ve been called way worse than Ghoulie trash.” At this point, Burt was just the Sheriff of this town and he was just a dealer for one of the gangs in it. But even that couldn’t prepare him for hearing that they were going to make an arrest. It wasn’t hard to guess that it was an arrest for him. “How? What bullshit evidence do they have to claim it was me when two people have told them it wasn’t?” He wasn’t really expecting Kurt to have an answer, but it was getting harder to mask his anger over everything.
Kurt shook his head, "But you're not Aaron" he breathed out, pushing himself upright so he could look in Aaron's eyes, "If you were Ghoulie trash, do you think it I'd honestly have begged you to come to me. You are my brother and nothing, not even dad, can change that Aaron". Kurt had found, in the last few weeks, he'd grown emourously attached to Aaron. He couldn't imagine having been able to follow through on cutting him out. He gulped, "I don't know. When I told him that I was going to live with you, after forbidding it, he asked where I would go when they arrested you."
“Doesn’t matter if I am or not, Ghoulie trash is what most people think of when they first look at me.” Hearing Kurt say that not even their dad can change that they’re brothers would have probably brought a tear to his eye if he wasn’t so dead set on hiding his emotions as much as possible. “He tried to forbid it? He does know how old we are, right?” It almost even made him laugh if the situation wasn’t so fucked. “We don’t have to worry about that, okay? If they arrest me I’ll get out in no time and you can just stay in our place.”
Kurt shook his head, "People need to not think like that. Ghoulie trash is the asshole who tortured me, not the man who tried to defend me". Kurt realised, this was the first time he'd said Aaron had tried to defend him in that situation, "Yeah, he said it wasn't going to happen, that he actually forbid it. It's why he told me not to come back. He kicked me out, with no where to go, with a killer on the loose". Kurt leaned in once again and rested his head on Aaron's shoulder, "I won't let them arrest you Aaron. It'd hurt dad a lot more if he had to lock me up for perverting the course of justice".
Hearing him say that he tried to defend him against his former leader hurt Aaron just a bit, because he really didn’t think he did. “Trash by association. Most Northsiders see everyone on the Southside as trash anyway, being in a gang just makes it worse.” Aaron shook his head a bit, as both a Sheriff and a father, kicking your son out of the house with a serial killer roaming around was the stupidest thing he’s ever heard of. If something happened to Kurt, he really hoped it’d make Burt crazy with guilt. Shifting his arm around him a bit, he shook his head again, “No. If I get arrested then you have to promise me the only thing you’ll do is bail me out when that’s an option. Other then that, you don’t worry about me.”
Kurt shook his head, "Aaron you aren't trash, stop saying that" he begged, his voice breaking again. He felt his tears continue to fall down his face as he listened to the only person he had speak and gulped, "I want to hurt him. I want him question his morals and you won't make him do that".
“I’m just telling you what other people think. I think I am the opposite of trash.” But Aaron did decide to stop once he heard the voice break and saw the tears when he glanced at him. “If you want to hurt him then find a way that won’t lead to you getting in a cell next to me.” Jail sucked, but he could handle it again as long as Kurt isn’t in there with him.
Kurt felt his breathing start to speed up again as it hit him, he really had no home left. He say upright and started slamming his dashboard, "How could he do this to me" he screamed, almost like his body was going into shock, "How could he do this too us".
Well fuck, now he really didn’t know what to do. He moved and grabbed Kurt’s hands to try and still his body a little. “Because he’s an asshole that’s losing his grip on everything. It’s just his job screwing us over again and him going along with it.” He still blames Burt taking on the role of Sheriff for being why he ran away, and now it was just more reason to hate it.
Kurt gripped Aaron's hands like his life depended on it as sobs wracked through his body, he didn't know what to do and he knew Aaron wouldn't. He squeezed his eyes shut, "What if the Black Hood have gotten me" he cried, "Why did he have to choose his job Aaron, how am I meant to do this without a father?".
Aaron really wished he knew what to do to get Kurt to stop crying, but he didn’t. “I personally think fathers are overrated. I lived without one for most of my life and look at me, I’m great.” He let out a sigh, wracking his brain for ideas, “You don’t need him. You have me, Ale, and you have to have some friends here. The Black Hood won’t get near you. I promise.”
Kurt couldn't stop his sobbing as he fell back into Aaron's side, "This isn't fair too you" he cried out, "I'm just making myself look like an idiot when really, I brought this on myself. Aaron, I should have listened to you...".
Once he was back to leaning against his side, Aaron put his arm around him again. “Nothing about Burt is fair. But it’s way more unfair to you than me.” He shook his head, “While everyone should always listen to me about everything, you didn’t bring this on yourself.”
Kurt felt like he was deflating, his breathing coming back to control, his hands shaking as they clung to Aaron's clothing, "I'm sorry I'm putting you through this" he breathed finally, "I know we don't have that relationship where I can just cry at you, I'm sorry Aaron".
Another head shake, there was no reason for Kurt to apologize, especially after this. “Don’t be sorry. You can cry at me anytime, we are brothers after all. And it’s not like I wouldn’t be crying if I was in your position.” Burt was the one putting them through this, not Kurt.
Kurt's breathing was once again under control and he was determined to keep it that way. His hands were still shaking however, the pain inside him making him feel numb, "But you haven't ever had to deal with me crying" he muttered quietly, "Aaron, I'm scared. I've been so scared in my life".
"Kurt. Just because I haven't had to deal with you crying before doesn't mean that I'm going to blame you for any of it." Aaron was glad that his breathing was under control again, although he didn't have a solution for the hands shaking. "You'll get through this, okay? I'll work on finding a place quicker, but you'll be safe with Ale in the meantime."
Kurt sighed and stared at Aaron, "You left home when you were young and you never seemed too bothered by it" he spoke softly, his emotions draining him, "I don't know how you did. We'd only just lost mum. She'd be miserable if she could see what he'd become.... What we'd all become" and he gulped on the last word, willing himself not to cry again. He wanted his hands to stop shaking so he took a breath and asked, "Can you just, hold my hands?"
He really wasn't expecting to think about when he ran away but that's what they're talking about now it seems. "I was very bothered by it. I didn't want to leave you but dad was just so busy with being Sheriff and I let my anger take over." Aaron nodded about what their mom would think, "I try not to think about how disappointed she'd be in me. Can't imagine the kind of spiral I'd go into if I did." He didn't respond to the question, just shifted his position again and held onto Kurt's shaking hands.
Kurt nodded, "Had I come to look for you, would you have considered coming back? Had I approached you instead of dad, would it have made a difference?". He didn't know why, tonight of all nights, he wanted to ask the hard questions, he already felt broken but it seemed like now, it was a good time, "Mum wouldn't be disappointed Aaron. She'd see what you are doing for me right now, after everything I put you through and she'd be proud". He hardly spoke of his mother, the emotions he had for her so strong but she was Aaron's mother too and he needed to hear it, "It's taken my while to realise it but, I got really lucky that they picked you to be my brother. Now more then ever, I feel like it was one of the best things that happened". Holding Aaron's hands, he felt his start to calm, as his thumb mindlessly stroked Aaron's hand.
Aaron wasn't even sure the answer to the questions, "Maybe. I was angry for a while after I left so there's a small chance I would've told you to fuck off too." He knew that part wasn't true. If Kurt had come to his trailer like Burt did, he probably would have left, or at least not been rude about it. "Proud of this, sure. But mother's aren't usually proud to have an alcoholic drug dealer for a son. She'd be proud of you though, being nice enough to give me another chance, having a hot boyfriend, everything a mom could want." He grinned when Kurt spoke again, glad that he thought he was lucky for it, "I got really lucky they picked me too. Even if they denied my first request of adopting my friend Jason, it definitely was one of the best things that happened."
Kurt nodded, "I remember waking up and finding the note and I didn't know what to do" he admitted, "I was so scared and I was alone and dad was, dad was being dad". He shook his head, "Aaron stop. You know mum would be super proud of this and super proud of us. I don't think you'd be doing what you are doing if she was still here". Kurt listened to the nice things Aaron said, "You deserved another chance after everything. I was the one who shouldn't have been given a chance". Kurt sighed, "You deserve to be happy and I hope you can be".
"You were scared?" Aaron didn't know why that was so surprising to hear, he'd be scared if he woke up and Kurt was gone too. But maybe it was just because he usually thinks of himself as someone who doesn't deserve a brother like Kurt. "I wouldn't. If she was still here I'd probably be a completely different person, a lot nicer too." He tried his hardest to not laugh when his brother said that he didn't deserve a chance, "Why shouldn't you have a chance? You didn't do anything." A nod, "I am happy. Knowing I didn't completely fuck up our relationship makes me very happy." He told him.
Kurt nodded, "I woke up too a note saying you were gone. I had to tell Dad. Can you imagine how he felt and how angry he was". Kurt looked out the window as he continued to stroke Aaron's hands with his own, "Mum would be super proud of us, as brothers. She might disagree with some of the things you do and some of the things I've done but as brothers, I think we're getting it right". He shrugged his shoulders, "I kept pushing you away. I kept making it worse for us. Had I been you, I'd have told me to do one".
He shook his head, "Anger I can imagine, not much else." Though that was before he became the fuck up he is now, so maybe Burt did feel something else besides anger. Kurt stroking his hands calmed down his anger more than he thought it would, and even though that probably wasn't his goal, it was nice. "I think we're getting it right too." Aaron laughed a little, "I pushed you away and made things worse for seven years. I never blamed you for wanting us to be done. Each time you said it, I understood."
Kurt shook his head, “He was pretty upset Aaron. I know it hadn’t been going well but one of his sons had just disappeared in the night, he didn’t know how to deal with that”. He gulped, his fingers tracing the skin on the back of Aaron’s hand, “We are getting it right Aaron and you know Mum would be so proud to see us right now. Two brothers, even if not by birth, loving and caring for each other when one of them needed it the most”. He heard the last words and sighed, “I don’t want to say those words again. Losing you now, it would hurt so much more”.
“Well while he was figuring out how to deal with it, I was probably carrying around a skull and getting ready for the blood pact. Usual Ghoulie initiation stuff.” He wasn’t purposefully changing the subject to avoid thinking about Burt feeling sad or something similar about him leaving, but it was a bonus. Aaron nodded while he talked about them getting it right, “It’s probably a good thing we’re not brothers by birth. If we were then I’d probably be hurt by Burt’s plan to arrest me over than think it’s a minor inconvenience.” He was glad Kurt didn’t want to say it again, losing him would probably destroy him. “I can’t imagine losing you during this shit.”
“Carrying around a skull and doing blood pacts” Kurt said shocked, “You have to know that is not normal”. He shook his head, “The Ghoulies will never be something I am interested in but with you as the leader, I’d feel safe from them”. Kurt shook his head once again, “This should be more then a minor inconvenience, this should worry you. Until the Black Hood is caught at least”. Kurt gave a small sad smile, “I just think we’ve done really hard to get this far and I love you so much as a brother Aaron”.
“Course it’s not normal normal, but it’s pretty Ghoulie normal. All part of the initiation to get in and shit.” Aaron was glad that Kurt had absolutely no interest in the Ghoulies, because the gang life would not work for both of them. “You would be safe. If Jackson and Viv think it’s a good idea then you’ll be fine.” He shook his head with a light laugh, “What should worry me? Getting arrested because they made up some bullshit evidence? I don’t care about getting locked up again, I’ll get out in no time.” He ran some fingers through his hair and nodded in agreement. “I love you as a brother too, Kurt.”
Kurt shook his head, "Carrying a skull around is as far from normal as you can get Aaron" he explained as he realised he was still holding Aaron's hands. He looked down at them and nodded, "This is weird, now I think about it" he smiled, not letting go, "We've never really the type of brothers that held hands to calm one of us down but here we are". He lifted his head to look up at Aaron, "I gotta be the luckiest guy in the world given the circumstances".
Aaron shrugged a little, "It was just for a week. I was 14, thought it was pretty cool." He laughed at that next comment, it was true. It was really weird for him to do, but he didn't completely hate it if it was helping Kurt. "It's really fucking weird." He agreed, though shook his head at the last part, "Stop saying you're lucky because I'm not winning the worst brother award. No circumstance could make it so I wouldn't want to be there for you to hold your hands and calm you down."
Kurt rolled his eyes, "OK that make it weirder. You were a fourteen year old kid and they let you carry a skull around for a week". He smiled at their hands again, "It works at calming me down. Physical proof that someone is holding me and making it OK". He looked down at the floor of the car, "I am lucky. My parents picked you, out of all the children they could have. That's luck Aaron, I'm not sure many others would have stood by me through everything".
"It was part one of the initiation. Nothing weird about it." Aaron responded, taking note that this hand holding thing is something he should keep in mind in case something like this happens again. "I will give you luck for getting me, you could have gotten Ricky, that kid was more of a little shit than I was. But anyone who wouldn't have stood by you doesn't deserve you."
Kurt gave a small laugh, "If that's part one, I don't wanna know what part 2 was". He nodded at the words and smiled at Aaron, "You are one of the best things in my life right now" he admitted, "But after everything I put you through... Making you jump through hoops to keep me in your life, I wouldn't have blamed you for walking away".
Aaron grinned, “Part 2 was learning Ghoulie laws, actually. Much tamer.” He laughed lightly, “Though the last part was the blood pact so, back up to 100 on that.” Hearing that he was one of the best things in his life right now was really surprising, and he’s pretty sure his face showed it for at least a second. “I walked away once before, I wasn’t going to do it again. If forcing myself to stay sober and be honest with you is what it takes, then I’ll do it.”
Kurt shook his head, "You made a blood pact with someone?" he asked, "You know that is super dangerous right? Like you could have gotten a disease from that". The idea of swapping blood with someone was something that made him feel a little sick. Kurt noticed the look of surprise and gave a small smile, "You don't need to be so surprised. Anyone would be lucky to get to have you in their lives, whether you agree or not. The biggest problem with you, is you think you deserve shit when you really don't".
He shrugged, “Anyone that had diseases was left out. Again, I was 14 and thought it was pretty cool, I usually only saw stuff like that in movies.” And Aaron shrugged again while Kurt spoke, “Pretty sure there are bigger problems with me besides my occasional self deprecation.” He commented, brushing everything he said off because whether he’d admit it or not, Kurt was probably right about all of that.
Kurt gave a soft laugh, "And how would they know? It's not like everyone is going to declare they have some sort of illness. I'm just saying, it's a dangerous practise to have in play". Kurt raised an eyebrow, "You aren't a problem Aaron. You are my brother and I love you" he breathed, finally letting go of Aaron's hand and turning to look him in the eyes, "I freaking love you Aaron so stop trying to convince me otherwise".
“Just gotta trust they’re being honest. One of the main points of being in a gang, dangerous or not, Ghoulies are for life and that’s what the pact is supposed to represent.” Aaron didn’t make any movements until he was done talking, “I love you too. And I’m never purposefully trying to convince you otherwise, I’m just always warning people like you, or Blaine, or Marley that there are a lot of downsides to being near me.”
Kurt nodded but dropped it. He didn't like hearing Aaron call them family when he was actual family and he tried to hide the hurt in his eyes from the hurt. He gave another small smile when Aaron said he loved him, "I don't need warning against it Aaron, I'm big enough to make my own decisions".
Aaron may be oblivious to most, if not all, things involving emotions, but even he could tell that talking about the Ghoulies caused some kind of emotional distress in his brother, but for some reason he didn’t say anything. “Of course you are. But I don’t want to see you upset or hurt because of one of my stupid and impulsive decisions.”
Kurt sighed and pushed himself away from Aaron, looking down at the steering wheel as he did and take a deep breath, "I am really sorry I've dragged you away from whatever you had planned tonight" he breathed. He gave a sad smile and nodded, "Look, I can go to Alejandro's if you want".
Kurt pushing himself away wasn’t what he was expecting, but if that’s what he wanted then Aaron won’t do anything to stop him. “You didn’t drag me away from anything. I came here because I wanted to help you calm down and try to cheer you up a little. Plus, I didn’t have any plans. If I wasn’t here I’d probably be watching some of my older movies or messing around on my guitar.” He brushed his hair out of his face, “If you want to go to Alejandro’s until I find a place, that’s fine with me. But there’s no way you’re staying in the Pop’s parking lot when there’s a serial killer on the loose.”
Kurt felt a little sad once more as he leaned his head against the window. He didn;t know how to be with Aaron, whether just pulling him into a hug like he'd wanted to do for years would scare the man away, "I don't really want to sleep in my car any way and Alejandro said he would have me for a while if needed so, I'll go there till you found us somewhere else".
“Sounds like a plan. Do you want me to drive you there? You’re not shaking anymore but I don’t think it’d be the best idea.” Thinking about his motorcycle parked right next to the car they’re in, he added, “I can just grab my bike afterwards.” Just in case Kurt would have said no on the grounds of his own transportation.
Kurt shook his head, "I can drive" he breathed out, "I drove here and I was sobbing then so I am sure I can drive to Alejandro's". He looked up at Aaron and smiled, "Thank you for coming here today" he smiled, "I really needed it".
Aaron bit his lip slightly, wanting to insist on driving him but instead staying silent. “Of course, Kurt. Anytime you need and/or want me for something, I’ll be there.”
Kurt smiled and nodded at Aaron, "I know you will be" he smiled, "Love you Aaron"
