“cobwebs in throat, hands shaking, cold sweat on a hot night; what if, what if, what if… he hasn’t been the same since the fade, terrified of what the demon said, hoping that it wasn’t right. he doesn’t want to tell you. he doesn’t want you to worry, but he’s hurt.” / from cole @hurtheal , in reference to tae joining nick in here lies the abyss
adamant had been a disaster . it had been out of his control . while he managed to get many grey warden’s to his side . erimond still had control of many . he still had the dragon and he still was the cause of everything . nick fell . he opened a rift and entered the fade . taeros was there with him . so was the nightmare demon who taunted everyone .
it shouldn’t have gone down that way . it shouldn’t have gone down that way at all . it was stupid , idiotic , and foolish to think that he could of handled it. that he could get away without something happening like that ; for the fade to rip open and take him in physically instead of falling down with the dragon .
he supposed there was good reason for that . that it was so he could survive and live another day, but even with the nightmare demon gone ? with someone left behind in the fade ? the taunts still remained . not to mention that even the fact the demon himself said he took far more from nick than intended . that somethings were best left alone . that he didn’t have to remember . that he wouldn’t ; the demon didn’t have all of nick’s memories and truthfully ? nick didn’t want them back either .
questions he may have had , but was he going to ask them ? no , they didn’t need to be answered . not now and most certainly not ever if he was being entirely honest about it . he hadn’t even judged erimond as of yet - something he was putting off for now . no doubt his judgement would get anger from all sides , but he wasn’t going to execute the other . no , he could use him , and maybe obtain a favor from the imperium while he was at it .
however , everyone knew that he was soft on all venatori . he offered them recruitment in his army , but truthfully ? it wasn’t the inquisition’s army . it was his own personal one . an army that he would use if the time ever came to use it . a last resort . to ensure that no one - not even richard - would be able to take away what he had .
perhaps that power really did go to his head after - all .
“ if i would have known that we’d enter the fade ... i wouldn’t have taken him with me . ” he would have chosen someone else . anyone else , but he wanted his dalish at his side . he wanted him there with him just in case something happened . though , now he knew that it most likely wasn’t something he should have gone through with .
“ whatever he’s going through . whatever he doesn’t want to tell me about ... there has to be good reason . i don’t , ” he trails off for a moment , “ want to talk about it either . i don’t think anyone does . the sooner it’s forgotten about the better . ”
no , the memories still hurt ; the taunts were still there . the golden city ... the blackened city . it was always in reach . it was always there ... close enough to touch it . why didn’t he just touch it ? see if he could get there or maybe he should just sink val royeaux to the ground . slaughter every single high ranking member of the chantry and go back to tevnter .
it would be possible . it would always be possible and yet ... he knew that dwelling on such thoughts for too long could no doubt be complicated . more so due to cole . the one who no doubt could pick up on things far more easily than anyone else ... even if he voiced his distaste about them at times .
“ trust me , if he doesn’t want to talk about it ? i won’t force him to ... i... somethings are better left buried . better left unsaid . he may be hurt , but ,” he sighs, “ i don’t... i don’t want make things worse . for either one of us . ” though , he had a feeling that it was going to be that way no matter what he did ... no matter if he chose to talk to taeros or otherwise . the thing was ... nick never wanted to discuss it . not with taeros ... most certainly not now .
