Reader comes to terms with her feelings, but past Trauma haunts her.
Angst, Fluff, and almost smut ;)
Getting back to your room you locked the door and threw yourself onto your mattress. You were grateful that the halls were mostly empty when you were coming back cause you knew you probably looked insane. Burying your head into your pillow you tried to calm your breathing. Your heart hurt and you didn't know why you wanted to cry.
Rolling over, your hand went to your lips. Despite how hard you denied it, you really had started feeling something for the Cardinal. You cursed yourself under your breath for freaking out. You cursed yourself for feeling too broken to even give it a chance.
The tears finally came, rolling down your cheeks, heavy and hot.
You pulled a pillow over your face, holding it tightly to muffle your soft sobs. That feeling of not being enough while also being too much overwhelmed you. You had left your home to escape this feeling, but here you were, in the closest thing you've found to a real home, pushing that feeling onto yourself.
You thought of going back to the Cardinal, but why would he want to even see you after that? Even if you tried to explain your feelings he'd probably just see you the way everyone else did, the way you did. Why wouldn't he?
The next few days you feigned being ill, too ashamed to even leave your bed. You didn't want to even chance seeing him, let alone attend his class. You especially didn't want to answer any of your friends' questions about what happened. No, it was easier wrapping yourself up in your self loathing and hiding from the world.
__
Copia had gone back to his chambers that day, sitting down and letting his head fall into his hands. Damn it. He knew better than to do that. He shouldn't have gotten so bold. You probably hated him now, disgusted by him.
You were one of the only people he considered a friend, that was always kind to him and he had fucked it up letting his emotions take over. He cursed himself, how badly could he have misread you to think it was ok to kiss you like that.
For a moment it felt like you were the one who kissed him. The feeling in that moment felt right, the softness of your lips against his. He sighed, hurt.
The next day he noticed he never saw you even when he went to dinner with everyone, Sunday he noticed you weren't at sermon. He tried not to overthink it, but Monday when you missed class, it crushed him. He had been told that you were ill, but he was sure you just never wanted to see him again.
He decided to just throw himself into his work, taking on more responsibilities. Sister Imperator seemed pleased and he could mostly keep his mind off you. When he wasn't teaching, he was in his office working on paperwork and sermons, and when he wasn't in his office he was doing confessional.
—
Tuesday you realized that you couldn't keep hiding forever. You didn't want to inconvenience the ministry by not doing your jobs, and you were going to have to face the Cardinal eventually. You finally showered, and got ready for the day.
You were lucky that your friends were more concerned with your fake illness and the stuff you missed over the weekend and Monday. You just nodded and half listened to them excitedly tell you about Papa Terzo’s sermon and how hot he was. You were grateful to ease into normalcy. After breakfast, you did your shift in the kitchen, baking whatever was on the list for today. It was mindless work, and you thanked your fellow sister for doing so much while you were ‘sick’.
Then it was time for class. Your heart beat fast as you hurried into the classroom, going to your usual desk and buried your nose in a book. Cardinal came in and said good morning to the class, you looked up and noticed he wouldn't even look at you. Your heart sank. You took a deep breath and just tried to focus on the lesson, not him, and definitely not the pain in your chest.
When class was over he didn't acknowledge you when you walked past his desk. He didn’t even look up from his papers. You swallowed the knot in your throat hard, your eyes burning with the threat of tears.
—
When you Copia walked into class he noticed you immediately. His breath caught in his chest but he kept his eyes down. He didn't want you to see him looking at you, longing for you. He was embarrassed. The feelings for you were still there, but he couldn't bear to even talk to you. He couldn't even bear just trying to be just friends right now.
After you left class he sighed and headed back to his office. Maybe he should have at least said something. He shook his head and threw himself into work.
The next couple days were the same for him, avoiding your gaze and just doing his job. Class was the hardest obviously because you were right there. You never said anything to him other than the occasional hello or goodbye with the rest of the class. Otherwise he made sure to avoid the cafeteria any time you would be there.
The feelings would eventually die away right? He tried to convince himself that you'd eventually just be another face in the crowd of siblings. He didn't want you to be though, the thought made him feel worse than just having these unrequited feelings. He just wished he had never kissed you. He could have been content just being your friend, probably.
—
Time felt like it was in slow motion all week. Wake up, breakfast, morning shift, class, lunch, class, dinner, evening shift, free time. Sometimes you'd spend time with your friends, sometimes you'd hide in the library, others just wandering the grounds, half hoping you'd run into Cardinal.
The longer the week went, the more you wanted to fix things. You were afraid though, that he hated you now, that he was mad or embarrassed, that he’d see you as damaged goods. You stewed and stewed all week.
Saturday came. The free day from class, just your kitchen shifts. After your morning shift you made up your mind. You had to tell him how you felt. You tentatively went to Copia’s classroom looking for him, finally caving under your want to talk to him, but realized he wasn’t there. You didn’t want to bother him in his office while he was working.
You went back to your room defeated. You didn't want to wait until Monday to try to see him after class. Sighing, you figured maybe you'd go to confession and ask Papa Terzo advice. If anyone would know what to do it would be him.
When the time came you walked down the Ministry halls like you were on a mission. It was close to 10pm and you wanted to get there when most people were off doing satan knows what. You walked into the chapel and turned to the confession booth. Luckily there wasn't anyone waiting and you slipped into the booth, sighing as you did so.
“Hello Sibling,” the voice from the other side made you suck in a breath. It wasn’t Papa. “What would you like to confess?” Copia’s voice continued. Your eyes wide, you looked at the screen, hands shaking in your lap. Fuck. Even for how much you had tried to hype yourself up, hearing his voice so unexpectedly made your heart hurt and you wanted to run out of there.
“Are you alright, Sibling?” he asked again after you didn’t respond after a minute. You sighed again, trying to calm your breathing. You prayed to Satan that this would work out and this was him giving you a proper chance.
“Yes, Cardinal, I need to confess” you finally said. You heard him move in his seat at your voice.
“S-si, Sister. Please tell me what you wish to confess.” you heard the waver in his voice and hoped it wasn't out of him being upset at you.
“I am struggling, Cardinal. I have found myself with feelings for someone, but I think I messed it up.” you almost whispered. “My heart aches for them” the admission had your heart pounding.
“Eh” you heard him squeak “Feelings, Sister?” You felt your cheeks heating up. You nod despite knowing he can't see you.
“Yes. I want to tell them, but I don't know if they feel the same,” your voice shook, and you felt your eyes welling with tears again. “I-I'm scared they hate me.” You hated how your voice shot up an octave when you were about to cry.
"Sorella" his voice was soft now, "you haven't messed anything up, I don't hate you"
A small sob escaped you finally free.
"Cardinal, I'm really sorry for everything." You cried, "I just- I'm scared, but I do have feelings for you. I understand if you don't feel the same after everything"
"Dolce," he breathed, "of course I do,."
Your eyes blurred, you opened the door to the confessional. You needed to be able to see him. You slipped to the other side with him. His hand reached up and wiped a tear from your eye.
“Please no more tears, Cara Mia,” Copia whispered. You nodded, a nervous laugh escaping your chest. He took your hand in his and gently brought it to his lips again. You blushed, holding back a giggle when his mustache tickled your skin. “May I kiss you, Dolce?”
Before the last word was out of his mouth, your lips were on his. His hand came up to caress your cheek gently, the soft leather felt good on your skin and you leaned into his touch. You melted into the kiss, loving how gentle his lips felt on yours. He let you lead, only deepening the kiss when you did.
You found yourself sinking down on his lap, one hand on his chest, the other in his hair. A soft moan escaped you when you felt his arm snake around your waist to hold you steady. Your breath quickened and you deepened the kiss, hearing him moan into your open mouth as your tongue slid into his. Your hands pulled at him, willing him closer to you. You could feel him against you under his cassock and the pit of arousal in your core.
He pulled away after a moment, both of you catching your breath. His forehead pressed against yours.
"Dolce, I want to do this right" he whispered "A-as much as I would love to take you right here, I want to make sure this isn't just an impulsive decision." You whined softly but he continued. "Please, Cara Mia, allow me to take you out on a date first at least." His smile made your heart melt and you nodded.
"O-okay" you breathed against his lips, kissing him softly again.
"Tomorrow night? After black Mass of course, eh" he gently ran his thumb over your lip, wiping some of his smudged lip paint off of you. "I will come to escort you from your dorm, Si? Around 7pm?" You just nodded, a smile plastered on your face. He leaned and kissed your cheek. "You should go get some water and rest. For me please?" You blushed at the sweet gesture.
"A-alright, Cardinal" you said untangling yourself from him.
"Call me Copia, Dolce" he said, kissing you one more time.
"Good night, Copia" you smiled, squeezing his hand before you slipped out of the confessional and headed back to your room for the night.
My stepmum has a guy come to her house to cut her hair rather than go to a hairdresser’s, and mine hasn’t been trimmed in a while so I figured I’d get mine sorted too. Apparently hair’s easier to cut when it’s wet (usually I have to have it straightened when I get it cut because it’s so thick), so I washed it beforehand, and then it was cut and then somehow the guy managed to blowdry it straight. :0
i was answering an ask and accidentally pressed the alt key and after all these years of being on Tumblr, i have only just discovered how people save asks to queues and drafts
