how you get the boy - twenty three
“What were you gonna tell me earlier?”
“S’not important,” I told him even though I’d promised myself not to hide anything from Harry anymore, especially if I didn't want the same thing to come back and bite me in the arse.
read below // story page
I had never pegged myself as someone who’s good with words, but I did peg myself as someone who’s good with numbers. Anyone could come up to me and hand me an equation and I wouldn't have trouble figuring it out. Answers would come to me instantaneously, though sometimes I had to rack my brain for them. Alas, that’s not the point because the point was that I could still do it.
Words, on the other hand, I was never good at it, which was why I had always had difficulty expressing my emotions. Nick had always told me that one day it would come and bite me in the arse, but I refused to believe him.
If even the littlest things such as saying ‘take care’ or ‘I like you’ was hard enough for me, having to come up with a reply when the person you thought you had no chance with suddenly came back for you made me want to pull at my hair. I thought I might go mental, truly.
“Harry?” I croaked, my voice echoing in the silence. My eyes chose to scan his face and when they land on his green, green eyes, I felt like I was back in the longing pit. The emotions he could convey with those eyes always confounded me and given that the last time I looked into his eyes I saw the pain I’d inflicted in them, I was pleased to see that there’s no trace of it anymore. “What-Why’re you here?”
“It’s you, it’s always been you,” was the last thing I heard before he leaned forward and captured my lips, catching me off guard with his unexpected move.
Every worrying thought that had flooded my mind earlier disappeared, replaced by nothing but the thoughts of Harry, Harry and Harry. And his soft lips.
I kissed him like I’d never kissed him before and his lips moved against mine like they were trying to consume me as much as mine were his. We were kissing like we were making up for what felt like eternity’s worth of missed moments and like we were done fighting what we knew was a useless fight. Instead of going against the current, we decided to – finally – go along with it.
Kicking the door to my room close, Harry’s hands grabbed my face and I felt as though my heart was going to jump out of my chest when I heard a whispered ‘bunny’ slipping past his lips; it’s been a while since he last called me that and I didn't realise up until now how much I’d missed it.
It wasn't my consciousness that reacted next; it was my heart. The same heart I’d been depriving for so long and had just busted free.
Leaning back, I pulled the shirt over my head and it was off, flying to the floor in a matter of seconds. Harry licked his lips and I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed the lump in his throat before he pulled his jumper over his head and threw it to the floor the same way I did.
Then, in one seamless movement, he pulled me back to him. One hand crawled down my back, sparing no time freeing my bra from my back. His breathing for the first time was almost as ragged as mine and that was when realisation hit the two of us: this was it.
Even though I saw nothing but green light as his hands slid up my body, skimming up my breasts and moulding beneath my jaw, I foresaw a red light was on the horizon. I foresaw the scenario that’d come the morning after, but none of that mattered; I was so ready for this moment that I could feel it throbbing my every nerve to life.
“Harry,” I whispered as I placed a hand on his cheek and brushed my thumb across it. He looked at me, his green eyes so bright that I wondered for a moment if he was the sun. Perhaps he was. “I-I meant every word I said to you that night.”
As soon as those words left my lips, he looked relieved. Like he could finally breathe again. And apparently, those were the only words he needed to hear before he hooked his hands under my legs, a silent plea for me to wrap them around his waist. And that, I did.
Pressing into me, Harry lowered my back to the mattress, his mouth never leaving mine. His weight rested over mine, grounding me, keeping me from falling apart. When his lips moved to my neck whilst his hands travelled to my leg, I found that I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't thinking about our past, I wasn't thinking about our future because the only thing that mattered was the present. I was living the present.
“Are you sure?” He whispered the question before sinking his teeth into my ear.
I nodded as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, trying my very hardest not to make any sound. I’d never been sure about anything more than I was sure about this. As a matter of fact, I could feel how much I wanted this from the tip of my hair down to the curl of my toes. I wanted to tell him that, I really did, but I didn't trust my voice at the moment. So instead, I brought my hand up and pressed it against his chest. His heart thrust against them and at the same time, the word ‘please’ escaped my mouth.
His eyes, then, roamed over me, inspecting my body like he was committing every line and dip and curve to memory. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered why vulnerability didn't come and develop me like a cocoon of blanket like it always did when I was naked and exposed in front of a man.
I found the answer a second later: it was because of the way he was looking at me like nothing else mattered and no one else could make me feel like he could.
Sliding my hands between us, I grabbed his pants, tugging on the button of his jeans. It snapped free and I slid my hand inside. I could tell he was biting back a moan when he leaned his forehead against mine, whispering words that I could hardly comprehend.
But that was the least of my concern because when he kissed me to the beat our hips were creating, I felt like I was in another world. One where there was nothing else but him, him and him.
&&
The mattress dipping next to me was what woke me up about an hour later. It was still dark, I noticed.
I didn't realise when or how I’d fallen asleep but when Harry returned to my bed, I knew that I must’ve fallen asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.
“Hi,” Harry whispered as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him.
“Hi,” I whispered back. My head made a home on top of his chest, my legs bent and separated over his and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I could feel the way his heart beat against his rib cage and when I traced his tattoo with my fingertips, I could hear his heartbeat speed up.
I realised I didn't mind staying like this forever with his slow breaths against my cheek and his fingers running through my hair. Contentedness spread across my chest and a hum unexpectedly escaped my mouth, causing my cheeks to redden.
Harry chuckled, rubbing his hand up and down my arm, “When’s the last time you had a good night’s sleep?’
“Last week?” I answered with a shrug.
“I hate to tell you this, bunny, but I don’t think that’s healthy,” he teased, his chest vibrating to the sound of his chuckles that spilled out of his mouth.
I’d missed the sound of it so much, so much so that I closed my eyes and prayed to God that I could memorise this exact moment. I wanted to imprint the image of us in this bed into my mind and I wanted to remember it for as long as I could.
“Hey,” he urged as he mindlessly traced circles on my skin, “Can I ask you something?”
The snort that left my mouth was unintended. “Doesn't sound like you to ask me if you could ask something.”
He laughed and I felt a smile tugging at my lips. However, when his question rolled off of his tongue, I felt my breath hitched in my throat. “What were you gonna tell me earlier?”
“S’not important,” I told him even though I’d promised myself not to hide anything from Harry anymore, especially if I didn't want the same thing to come back and bite me in the arse.
“It is-” he countered, swallowing thickly, “-to me. So, please, tell me what is it.”
I let out a sigh, unsure if I should tell him what I really wanted to tell him earlier. On one hand, I couldn't risk ruining the moment we had right now the way I did when we were in his car, but on the other, not telling him the truth would ruin what we had too. “It’s.. I wanted to tell you how I really feel and that I don’t want you to be with someone else – as selfish as that sounds.”
As soon as those words left my lips, Harry shifted under me until he was sitting up and he pulled me against him. Hooking his fingers under my chin, he coaxed me to look at him instead of looking at his bare chest and avoiding his gaze altogether.
For some reasons I would rather watch as his chest rose up and down, as I was afraid to look into his eyes.
“What do you really feel about me?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, taking note in the way his shoulders slumped forward and his eyes dulled for a moment. But quickly, I added, “All this is so new and it’s something I want to discover. All I know is that I want to be with you and no one else.”
Harry raised his hands and pressed them against my cheeks. They were warm and calloused and his touch felt achingly familiar as he ran his thumbs across my skin. Pressing his lips against my forehead, he whispered, “You do know that I’m falling in love with you, right?”
“What about Sarah?” I didn't want to question him about her, scared that the mention of her name would pop the bubble we’d created around ourselves. However, I couldn't let uncertainties weave themselves between us and made things worse in the future.
A small smile touched his lips when he pulled back to look into my eyes. “She.. She knows about us. She knows how I feel about you.”
True to my fashion, I let curiosity got the best of me even if the outcome wouldn't appeal to me. “How does she know?”
“She said I couldn't take my eyes off of you,” he shrugged, his cheeks flushing ever so slightly when I kinked an eyebrow at him, urging him to elaborate. But he didn't do that.
“That’s not true,” I argued because I vividly remembered him not at all sparing me a glance earlier tonight. I was so convinced that he had eyes fixed on Sarah and Sarah only. “You didn’t even look at me, Harry.”
“I did,” he replied as he pushed a strand of hair away from my face before adding, “When you’re not looking. Wouldn't be subtle of me if I looked at you when you’re looking my way, would I?”
That made so much sense and my cheeks warmed in embarrassment.
“You’re not jealous, aren’t you?” He asked, a look of amusement flashing in his eyes. His lips curved into a smirk and as much as I wanted to wipe it off of his face, I realised that I would rather have him smirking at me than frowning at me.
“I don’t get jealous over anyone,” I told him nonchalantly, hoping that he wouldn't see right through me even though I was sure he would. Didn't stop me from trying, though.
He laughed, shaking his head slightly, “You definitely were.”
“Was not,” I countered, though if I had to be completely honest, it was pointless doing so. A huge smirk had taken over Harry’s feature and I knew, for a fact, that he knew I was lying. “Okay, fine, maybe a little bit, but I’m blaming Niall for that.”
“How’s it Niall’s fault?” He asked, brows furrowing in confusion.
“Well.. cos he introduced Sarah to you to make me jealous,” I answered with a shrug whilst keeping my eyes on my fingers. Then, quietly, I added, “And it worked.”
“Bloody Niall,” he muttered to himself. “I should’ve seen it coming.”
“You didn’t know?” I quizzed, taken aback by his respond. A part of me had thought that he was aware of Niall’s plan and because of reasons I couldn't think of, I thought that Harry was happy enough to go along with Niall’s stupid, stupid plan. One that, I hated to admit, worked.
The possibilities of Harry falling for Sarah – for real, that is – crossed my mind, but I pushed them away as I didn't want to ruin the moment with my insecurities that apparently refused to go away since it’d made its appearance earlier.
“I didn’t,” Harry replied with a shake of his head. The two lines between his brows assured me that he wasn't particularly happy with the knowledge that his – our – friend did this to us. But then again, Niall’s intentions were pure and I couldn't really blame him because the consequence of his action, for once, happened to be on my favour.
“S’fine,” I reassured him, “I mean look where it got us.”
Harry smiled. “You’re right,” he agreed before adding, “But even if he didn't meddle.. For me, it’s always been you, bunny.”
It turned out that those were the only words I needed to hear. I placed a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. His mouth covered mine and it was warm and welcoming. My hands trembled as I brought them from my sides, uncertain as I placed them against his chest. Hard muscle flexed beneath my fingers and his fingers wound into my hair, his fingertips massaging my scalp as he deepened the kiss.
I was so sure that the world had stopped turning in that instant and I was so sure that my heart would explode at any given chance if we kept kissing. It was too much and not enough all at the same time.
“Are you okay?” Harry whispered once I’d pulled away, a worried look plastered across his face like he was afraid that he might have done something wrong.
I nodded, my cheeks reddening slightly, as I pulled my lower lip between my teeth. “Just trying to get used to the fact that I can kiss you whenever I want.”
At that, his frown disappeared whilst his lips curved into a smile – one that could make my heart jump by the mere sight of it. I thought he was going to make a comment about that – possibly something that could make my cheeks turned a different shade of red – but instead he pressed his lips against mine. I could feel his smile growing when I didn't hesitate to kiss back.
Maybe I had already gotten used to it.
&&
Harry’s smile was still a ghost on his face as his arms held me like vices. Despite the exhaustion, I found that I couldn't sleep anymore no matter how many times I closed my eyes and told myself that it was too early to get up. However, after the third try, I decided to leave the comfort of my bed and do something useful although that didn't sound as desirable as staying in with Harry.
I cautiously pushed Harry’s arms away from me and put on the first thing I saw on the floor, which was Harry’s shirt from last night. I took a quick look at Harry’s sleeping form before slipping out of my bedroom, making sure to close the door before I made my way to the kitchen.
Overcame with a sudden urge to make something for breakfast, I took out a pan from the cabinet and placed it on the stove. Regardless the fact that I’d only made proper breakfast twice since I started living here – both times turned out horrible, but no one needed to know that – I was positive that I would be able to pull off a stack of pancakes this morning.
I mean, how difficult could that be?
Very, the voice in the back of my head interjected, especially when you couldn't even find the bloody flour.
Granted, that didn't mean I was going to change my mind because once I’d set my mind on something, I wanted to see it happening. That being said, I rummaged through the cabinet, trying my very hardest to remember where Louis kept necessary pancake making essentials. And after wasting over five minutes doing so, I finally found everything and I placed them on the counter.
Everything was going well; as a matter, too well to the point that I was beginning to wonder why I didn't prepare pancakes more often. It was one of my favourite foods after all. Unfortunately, much like last night, I spoke too soon.
A minute later, whilst I searched for plates – where the heck did Louis keep them? – I smelt something that sound particularly similar to smoke invading my senses. Panicked, I ran to the stove to turn it off and without thinking twice, I wrapped my hand around the handle, forgetting the fact that Louis’ pan was at least ten years old which meant it didn't absorb the heat. Bollocks.
Then everything that happened next, happened so fast: the pan hit the floor along with the pancake I’d worked so hard on and an involuntary yelp escaped my mouth. I wanted to cry, really, when I looked at the mess I’d created on the floor.
That was the least of my concern, however, because less than ten seconds later, Louis came out of his room with a bat in his hand. He looked nowhere near happy; in fact, he looked like he was ready to murder someone and apologies spewed out of my mouth.
I couldn't believe that it had completely slipped my mind that Louis was in his room sleeping.
“Jesus, Tee, I thought there’s a break in,” he said as he put down his bat and rubbed his eye with the pad of his hand.
“Sorry, sorry,” I told him, kneeling down to pick up the pan. “I’ll clean everything up now.”
“Are you okay?” He questioned next as he kneeled down in front of me to help. “Were you trying to make breakfast?”
“Yeah,” I answered sheepishly.
He quirked an eyebrow at me, “What’s gotten into you?”
I didn't get to answer his question because Harry slipped out of my room and into the kitchen, dressed in nothing but his infamous Calvin Klein’s boxer. “Everything alright, bunny?” He quizzed, rubbing the back of his neck. He didn't seem to realise that Louis was in the same room and it was then it dawned on me that neither of us talked about whether or not we would let our friends know about us.
Flabbergasted, I held my breath, afraid to look at either Harry or Louis. I could feel Louis’ gaze burning holes on the side of my face and I fought the urge to look back at him. From the corner of my eyes, I could tell that his eyes darted from my face to Harry’s as though he was trying to put two and two together. And I was positive that he wouldn't have trouble doing so.
Then, the unthinkable happened: Louis smiled to himself and continued helping me with the mess instead of addressing the elephant in the room. It was so unlike of him, though, because I knew he had so many things to say.
That being said, it didn't mean I wasn't relieved that he chose to stay silent. Harry, on the other hand, looked as if he’d just seen a ghost as his face paled all of sudden at the realisation that we weren’t alone in the kitchen when Louis got on his feet. Then, scratching his head, he cracked a smile at the both of us.
“Didn’t know you’d be here,” Louis stated nonchalantly, a teasing tone evident in his voice. The glint in his eyes told me that he had more to say, but because he was a good friend, I guess, he kept it to himself.
“I-Uh, yeah. I fell asleep in Tenley’s room,” he answered rather awkwardly as he shifted from one foot to another. His uncharacteristic display of calm and relaxed manner somehow made me feel the opposite – unsettled and agitated. I was no better because I couldn't even look at them.
As if he could sense that something’s not right – I personally thought he could – Louis said, “I’m gonna leave you two alone.” With that being said, he left the kitchen and returned to his room, but not before he gave Harry and I a knowing look.
There was just the two of us, then, and though Louis was no longer around, I could still feel some residual awkwardness in the air. That is, until laughter escaped Harry’s mouth and when I turned to look at him, the faux smile was no longer adorning his lips. This time, it was a genuine smile, one that I remembered carving in my mind last night and I felt relief flooding through me.
“I like seeing you in my shirt,” he said softly as he walked towards me, gracefully avoiding the one pancake on the floor. Upon reaching me, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “Do you think Louis knows?”
“Maybe,” I shrugged, “He seems to know everything lately.”
Harry chuckled, “Niall’s rubbing off on him, I guess.”
Seeing that Harry and Niall spent more time with each other, I asked, “And he didn't rub off on you?”
“He did actually,” he admitted rather sheepishly, “Cos I’m kinda late for work.”
An ‘oh’ escaped my lips. That did sound like something that happened often in Niall’s life. “Then why’re you still here?”
“Cos I wanted to do this before I leave,” he confessed, red tainting both sides of his cheeks before he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my lips. The kiss felt so natural as if we’d done it a number of times before when in reality this was the first. Then, with his lips lingering dangerously near my ear, he whispered, “I’ll see you later.”
&&
I didn't realise up until now that I’d left my favourite pair of jeans at Shiloh’s – one that I got during my first year of uni and I’d been wearing it more often than the other jeans since then. It had became some sort of a lucky charm for me and because I couldn't live without it for longer than a month, I decided to send Shiloh a text, telling her that I was going to her flat in fifteen.
She was, as expected, sitting in on her couch with her laptop on her lap when I arrived. She was drinking a cup of tea, too.
“You didn't wear it, did you?” I asked, emerging from the room I’d resided in few days ago with the said jeans.
Shiloh rolled her eyes as if I’d just asked her the stupidest question she’d ever heard, “Course not. We’re not the same size, ‘member?”
“Great,” I replied as I shoved it into my tote bag and occupied the empty spot next to her on the couch. After what happened this morning, a part of me was ashamed to face Louis again – not that I could avoid him forever because we were flatmates, after all. But seeing that I had an excuse not to be at my flat at the moment, I took it. “Are you watching Friends again?”
“Yeah,” she answered. I could feel Shiloh’s gaze on me and I knew a question was coming next. But I didn't expect it to be that question. “You haven’t stopped smiling since you came in,” she pointed out, her focus now was entirely on me. “What happened?”
Shiloh and I didn't hide anything from each other – maybe a few meaningless things that most probably neither of us remembered anymore – and when that question escaped her mouth, I found it difficult to come up with a reply. I couldn't tell her the truth nor could I tell her a lie.
I was opting for the truth, but as soon as I opened my mouth to tell her exactly that, I was reminded of the fact that Harry and I hadn’t had the talk yet.
“Woke up on the right side of the bed, I guess,” I told her when what I wanted to say was woke up with the right person, I guess. But I couldn't do that. At least not until Harry and I had established what we really were.
The mere thought of having to bring that topic up to Harry was enough to make my stomach turn, which was ridiculous, because if there’s anything I shouldn't be afraid of anymore was to talk to him. We’d talked about pretty much everything last night, so really, why was I even scared to have the talk?
Shiloh squinted her eyes at me. If she didn't believe what I said earlier, then she must have decided to be nice to me today because instead of questioning me more about it, she changed the subject. One that wasn't any better than the previous one. “Tee, I heard about Harry.”
I’d like to think that I was good with subtlety, I really was. As a matter of fact, I considered myself the Queen of Subtlety, but when Shiloh mentioned Harry’s name, my eyes widened. She couldn't-
“And Sarah,” she added before taking a sip of her tea. A sympathetic look crossed her face and I was pretty sure it was because of the distress my face decided to display. “’m sorry, Tee. Can’t believe he’d already moved on.”
Good thing I hadn’t told her about Harry and I because if I had, things would have turned complicated and that’s the last thing I wanted to happen. Nevertheless, the voices in my head were telling me that things were about to become so the second I left Shiloh’s flat.
“Yeah,” I said with a shrug, overcame with the desire to leave immediately even though my initial plan was to stay here for as long as I could.
Shiloh was still looking at me and I was still avoiding her gaze. “Are you okay, Tee?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing myself to look at her as I plastered a smile across my face. “Yeah, of course.”
“For what it’s worth,” Shiloh continued, placing a hand on my knee, “It’s his loss.”
I wished I could agree with her, but I couldn't. A massive part of me knew that had Harry and I not figure our shit out, it would be my loss because he’s an amazing bloke – one thing I failed to realise sooner – and I bet as for Harry, losing me was equivalent to nothing.
I wanted to tell her that, but the voices in my head forbad me from doing so. And because I didn't want to sit here and risk the chance of spitting out lies if she were to ask me another question about Harry and I, I told her that I needed to leave.
As soon as I was outside of Shiloh’s building, I realised that I needed to see Harry. I wished I could say that the thought of the talk didn't scare me at all, but it did. God it did. What if I did not get the answer I wanted? What if he didn't have an answer for the question I was going to ask? What if, just like me, he thought that this could get too complicated for us and we might ruin it all by trying?
Thing was, as scared as I was, this was an answer that I severely needed so that I could put my mind to ease.
Battling my inner thoughts and feelings, I didn't realise that my subconscious had taken me to The Cup and everything was more real than it ever was; I was doing it, I really was.
I took a deep breath, pushing the door open with one hand whilst the other tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes were fixed on the counter ahead of me, but Harry wasn't standing behind it as I thought he would. Thinking that his shift was over, I turned around, ready to leave. His voice stopped me, however, and I glanced through my shoulder to see that he was standing by one of the tables, talking to a group of people I’d never met before.
I was convinced that hesitation was evident on my face as I made my way towards them and it didn't help that everyone was looking at me like they were expecting me to miss a step and fall. Thankfully that didn't happen.
“Hi,” Harry whispered, lips pulling into a huge smile, to which I replied with a whispered ‘hi’ as well. “These are my classmates,” he said next and I smiled at them, trying my best to ignore their questioning looks.
“Are you gonna tell us her name or not?” One of the blokes spoke up, a smirk touching his lips when his eyes darted from my face to Harry’s.
Beside me, Harry rolled his eyes whilst a scoff escaped his mouth. “Her name’s Tenley and she’s my-” he stopped as he tilted his head to look at me, scanning my face like he was searching for an answer there. I didn't realise I’d been holding my breath until he continued his sentence, the choice of word he decided to use made my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. “-She’s my neighbour.”
Then, I felt like the world stopped moving on its axis altogether because then, there was just me. And my thoughts.
I wasn't sure which one would be worse: Harry introducing me as his friend or Harry introducing me as his neighbour. Either way, I realised that I didn't like either of those because just the mention of it made bile rise up to my throat.
“Well.. hello, Tenley,” the previous bloke waved at me, a playful smile gracing his lips. “Didn’t know H has an attractive neighbour.”
Harry rolled his eyes, though I could feel his body had slightly tensed. “Shut up, Jake. Get back to work, will you?” When he turned to me, he said, “Why don’t you take a seat first then I’ll get back at you?”
Despite feeling indignant at the way he was talking to me – he introduced me as his neighbour, for God’s sake, not even a friend, but a neighbour – I nodded and occupied the seat not far away from him.
Five, ten, fifteen minutes passed and Harry was still talking to his friends. Taking that as a sign for me to leave, I got up from the chair and made my way towards the exit. But before I could leave, I felt a hand wrapped around my forearm, urging me to stop – it was Harry.
“Why’re you taking off so soon?” Harry quizzed, his brows furrowing.
“You look busy,” I pointed out with a shrug, “I’ll meet you at home?”
His eyes were scanning my face and for a moment, he appeared as if he had something to say. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, then, he pressed his lips against my cheek. They lingered near my ear, “I’ll see you later.”
As soon as those words left his lips, he turned around and returned to his friends. I didn't know what was it that I had initially expected for him to do, but this certainly wasn't it.