23 DEEP ASS questions: ANYTHING DIVISIBLE BY 4
Alright anon, here we go.
4) You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I tell Frazier first. I tell him everything, no matter what, and this would be no exception. Then I tell my mother. Probably cry. I debate and fret and tie myself in knots over how to tell my father, and even after deciding to tell him I am too shallow to keep the bitterness from my voice. That he has done everything to provide for me but never enough to care for me. And now he has lost the chance to make it up to me, or even realize how he wronged me. And I feel guilty, guilty for feeling satisfied that he will live with that regret for the rest of his life, or angry, that he will never feel regret because he will never admit that he was in the wrong.
It tears me apart but I tell my siblings. Seth is quiet. He doesn't know how to handle emotions like this. Alison hugs me tight and cries and shouts and refuses to believe it. Ian sits there and he cries silently because he wants to be strong, be a man but he's still a sweet innocent boy and he holds my hand and tells me he loves me. Grace curls up into me and soaks the front of my shirt, eleven years old and too young for so much grief. Hannah is younger, she's only nine and she sobs and cries and tells me I can't go, I'm not allowed, and she begs God with her angelic childlike faith to not take me. And I cry and I cry because these children are everything to me. They are my family and I would do anything for them and if I could I would refuse to die just to stop their tears.
When my tears are dried I go to Frazier. And I hold him. I hold him and I listen to his heartbeat and I feel the warmth of his skin and I don't cry or I cry for hours because I will never bear our children and I will never know what it's like to wake up next to him after ten, twenty, fifty years of waking up next to him and I will never hold a child with his beautiful blue eyes or his beautiful loving soul. I will never comfort him when he's had a bad day and we will never watch a movie together after the kids have gone to bed and we will never do the dishes together in our own home and we will never get caught kissing by our kids as they yell "ew, gross!" and I will never watch him wrestle with his sons or brush his daughters' hair and I will never tell him to get me some weird food from the store at 3am while I am pregnant and I will never be held and have my hair stroked when I am feeling bad and I will never, ever know what it is like to be married to this man. The wonderful, loving, loyal, passionate man that I am desperately in love with and lucky enough to call my own. And then I cry because when I am gone he will be unhappy and I can't fix that. I won't be able to fix it and make him smile and that kills me inside. Because all I want for him is his happiness.
He kisses me when I am ready to be kissed and he holds me like his life depends on it and I'm sure he cries for the first time in front of me. He kisses me as desperately as I kiss him and we touch in all the ways we've learned to touch each other, to comfort, to adore, to love.
I wonder if we should still get married. I wait for him to bring it up or suggest it but I don't think he's even thought of that yet. So I ask him if he still wants to marry me. He holds me tighter and ferociously assures me that I am still the only one he wants to marry.
"Even for only a month?" I whisper.
We get married, a year ahead of schedule, with just our family and closest friends. We go away someplace and we finally make love, with sweetness and desperation. I want him so badly, my heart so full of love and pain that I can barely stand to be around him. But we spend every moment together, and I cherish it and I tell him all the things I love about him and all the hopes and dreams I have for his future and I beg him not to waste his life away dreaming of me.
For the last few weeks I spend every day with Frazier and my family. We watch movies and play board games and bake sweets and go hiking and take road trips and I begin to accept that I am going to die. I stop contemplating all the things I'll never do, and start thinking of all the things I can do. All the precious moments spent with the most beloved in my life. And I realize that it doesn't matter how long I have to live, only that I loved well and I lived well and I lived happily. And I cling to that belief, that the length of my life does not determine its quality. And I realize that I was never afraid of dying.
As I get sicker I am more and more thankful for the chance to say goodbye. The only bitterness is my relationship with my father, which no matter how he responded can never be healed in time for my death. Frazier comforts me every day, in every way he can, the way he always has. He holds my hand and kisses my forehead, and I pray with every breath and with fervent hope that he finds happiness in life.
And I close my eyes and die.
(I hope you're happy because it took me two days to write this and I sobbed every moment of it)
8) Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
Oh boy. Hold on. Have to wind down from that last one.
Okay to be honest the first friend I though of was the guy I had a huge crush on junior year and I would honestly laugh bitterly and say "oh now you like me I see how it is"
It would really depend on the friend. Since I am not single I would feel terrible for them no matter what. For most friends though I would feel awkward and not know what to do at first. I'd probably make a bad joke about how I'm not really that great. Then I would comfort them and tell them that even though we couldn't work, they would find someone far more deserving of their love someday.
12) Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
Yes, I would offer to leave. I'm young and I could always find another job. My income is not what I live off. I would tell them to let me off instead as soon as I heard.
16) Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
My coworker Becca, today at work. We were goofing off and pretend-flirting with each other. I think Becca could be a very good friend of mine, though as of right now we've only known each other a couple of months. I love her a lot and I have a lot of affection for her, but I love easily.
20) Are you old fashioned?
Hmm. In some respects I would say yes. I value family more than anything. What I want most out of life is to be a loving wife and mother. I feel I have an old-fashioned view on life, working for the American Dream with a job you love and a family you adore. But then I realize that none of those things are particularly old-fashioned, they're just romantic and idyllic. You could be a cynic in the 40s just as surely as you can be a cynic now. I choose to see the world in a happier light. :)
