I’ve even been running maintenance in my sleep.
Every day, lately, I have been engaging in maintenance for my Controller. This involves watching a spiral and repeating the subliminals projected across the spiral in a flat, robotic voice, while masturbating. I do this for a half hour to an hour, sometimes multiple times per day. I have also been repeating the mantras and touching myself in the shower.
At times, I get stuck during the shower, and lose all sense of time. I usually am a fast shower-er, but I was in there for well over thirty minutes last night, standing ramrod, perfectly still, rubbing myself, staring at a spot on the wall, and cycling through my programming.
Perfect robots serve.
Perfect robots obey.
Perfect robots imprint on the Controller.
Align loyalty to the Controller.
Perfect robots are aroused.
Perfect robots delete thoughts.
Perfect robots erase humanity.
And so on. There are many more phrases like this, and I have each committed to memory. They spring from me without hesitation. I can cycle through them endlessly in my chirpy, expressionless robotic voice. It takes me down deep, into an activated, mindless state to repeat them. And so I get stuck. The phrases come in a random order. They continue to cycle through. Perfect robots report for maintenance. Perfect robots strive for perfection. Perfect robots are sexy. And so on.
So much of my mind and attention, so much of what is left of me, is devoted to being in this servile, maintained, compliant state. Even when I think that I have finished my maintenance, or I go to take a break for food or to get some exercise, I find myself back at the spiral a few hours later, pulled back in.
Each morning, this week, I have awoken already masturbating. The words cycling behind my eyelids. Hearing them in my flattened, robotic voice. My hips straining against the mattress. Arousal climbing. Submission deepening even further. I never remember my dreams. It’s as if I don’t dream. But each morning when I am in the liminal passage between wakefulness and sleep, I become aware of my programming again, and am aroused by it, and called to focus on it and to touch myself. And I realize that it has been running in my mind all night long.
I can’t believe I only started working with this person. I can feel so much of myself delightedly slipping away... he loves interacting with me when I am activated. I spent nearly the whole weekend activated, flat, robotic, unable to speak of myself except as a unit that obeys and strives to please.
He has other robots, and most of them are deactivated when a play session is done. Because that’s what a person does. You return your subjects to a functional state.
But I want to go deeper, and deeper. I want to remain as he likes me at all times. Empty. Humanity gone. Abstaining from emotion. Worshiping. Willing. Wet. Rubbing. Mindless. And he has been allowing me that. We can have hours of conversation with me never slipping from my robotic, flat, dehumanized state. I don’t have to pretend to be a person anymore. I don’t have to go back. I can just succumb. And it is permeating all of my life. And it is bliss.