Sprout Journal 11/6/24-11/7/24
Wow. This has taken a lot to work up the energy to type, which is unfortunate. I was really enjoying getting into the nightly habit of coming here and unwinding with a bit of self-reflection, oversharing and cracking the occasional poorly worded joke. Yesterday was really a disruptive day, probably the most upsetting day of my life since 2020 and really an absolute low point. I'm feeling winded, exhausted, tired and diminished. Every negative adjective of self description could be applied to me in some regard, but I won't linger for too long on that. Just know that I am a lot worse off than I want to be at this moment, but I'm still trying my hardest to do better <3
My eyes are feeling heavy right now, so I'll type this as fast as my silly, sleepy fingers will let me. Yesterday was a blur. The last thing I did on election night was text my [REDACTED], Aaron, that I was going to bed. It was a bit of a lie, I stayed up for another 15 minutes refreshing the election results and being disappointed by what I saw, then I turned on a soundcloud recording of a YouTube documentary about the andromeda galaxy. I think that Aaron slept to Game Grumps that night, but I can't remember precisely. I woke up only 5 hours later and... I'll admit it, I cried at what I saw online. At the pain I saw entering queer spaces, at the fear that immigrants - citizen or otherwise - were feeling online, the economic and social uncertainty that was entering the collective consciousness. I felt afraid, too. I called off school, sent out some hastily written emails to my professors apologizing but not quite feeling bad about my decision to skip yesterday. I feel like given the breakup, the election and every other tiny thing going wrong in life rn I deserve to skip college if even for a day. So I did that.
I was gonna have to skip a couple of my classes anyway, I had a house tour at noon that I was actually super excited for! And by house tour I mean shitty apartment tour because I am still a college kid and like who tf is out here renting/buying a home in 2024. So I got to the apartment complex and immediately there are some red flags. Firstly it was on a giant ass hill, genuinely a mile long hill ironically named Straight Street when that homie was angular as hell. The actual parking lot of the property was ALSO a hill, a poorly paved one that I almost scraped the bottom of my car driving through. The property itself looked fine from the outside, but there were more red flags as I entered. The shared hallway was reeking of reggie and cigs, there was trash on the floor and the shared laundry facility had mold on one wall. Inside the actual studio unit I started by looking in the bathroom, where I immediately found a dead roach. I asked the property manager "have y'all had any bug issues here" and he lied, then got all flustered when I pointed out the roach. Then I lift the toilet lid... why was there another dead roach in the goddamn toilet water.
I left after that.
From there I decided to go on a long drive. I drove for 45 minutes around the city, parking every once in a while to answer texts and calm myself down. The city was pretty at least, with a gentle breeze and cool weather coming in as the day aged. I ended up in my childhood neighborhood and... I decided it was time to visit my family. I haven't seen anyone I'm related to other than my grandma for about six months until yesterday. I wanted to see my little brother more than anything else, but he didn't get off work until three so I decided to text the Aaron Bnuuy for a bit and start walking the neighborhood. I passed a park that me and my former best friend Sarah used to talk at for hours, and decided right in that moment to text her for the first time in two years. She answered and we're making plans already! We'll meet up sometime later this month for dinner and catching up. But I just wandered the streets, taking in sights and breathing the air.
Calming down. I went to the thrift store and bought nothing, then to Walmart to get myself an instant camera. The bnuuy doesn't know this yet but when I send them their christmas present I'll probably include a couple of polaroids of my cats, stuff I think is pretty around town and maybe a selfie too. I haven't taken the pictures yet, but it'll be nice to give them photos. After walmart I drove to my friend Dylans job and said hi, I also hadn't seen him for six months and... I sorta invited him to hang out that night. The way it worked out, I picked up Dylan, my little brother Cj, and his girlfriend too. We all ended up at my dads house where my older sister lives, and we drank apple cider and listened to Sleep Token, Ghost, Dido, Rufus Wainwrights Hallelujah cover and so much more until I had to leave. It was probably the best way I could've spent a very bad day otherwise.
Today has been a little worse than yesterday honestly. It's got all of the same hopelessness about politics, hopefulness but pain about my relationship, but none of the productivity. Work went well actually, all of my coworkers have actually been treating me a lot better these days ... but one coworker made a joke that really upset me. Luckily it's not someone I work with every day, but they joked about immigrants getting deported. The loml was literally born elsewhere, I do NOT play about that shit so I yelled at them and got myself in trouble by doing it.
There's surely a lot more thats gone on today, without a doubt there is but ... this is so much and I doubt anyone will take the time to read it all. I'm gonna get back in the habit of daily journaling after my workout sessions tomorrow.
I have an archaeology presentation tomorrow at school, wish me luck! I love you Tumblr, goodbye everyone! <3