Hey Tumblr. I hope everyone is having a really good holiday season <3 whatever you're celebrating, or if you don't celebrate, I hope that you're at least enjoying your breaks from school and work :) me? I'm doing okay these days, not the best but also not particularly bad either.
I haven't been having nightmares the past few days, so that's something to celebrate! I've recently rearranged my room, started burning incense before sleep, washed all of my sheets with the best smelling detergent I've ever used and gotten used to going to bed without passing out on my phone. I've been choosing when to sleep, which is very nice.
I have a few things I wanna talk about tonight, some of which are a little more on the depressive side, some of them are proud moments and all of them are reflective. Let's start with the depressive first and we can work through the happiness a bit more after that, though I think that each will be tinged with bits and pieces of the other.
Let's talk about the holidays first. This isn't a part of the year I'm typically very grateful for. I don't come from a very financially well off family, nor one that was particularly fond of holiday traditions, so this time of the year I have always defaulted to an honest form of jealousy. I'm pretty forthright about the fact that I envy other families who are close, who have a Christmas tree in the parlor and gifts under it's needles. I envy having people to buy presents for, and the money to buy gifts or the time to make them. I'm not angry about that jealousy, but I am slightly hurt by it every year when it comes to this time again and here I am still alone while others celebrate. I don't consider myself bitter about it at least, in fact I kinda use it as a bit of an aspiration for myself.
That brings me to the next thing I wanna talk about actually; this is the first holiday in a few years I'm not going to be with the person I love. Me and Aaron haven't gotten to spend an actual holiday season together together in person before, so it's not like... we're going from something jovial and festive to nothing at all, but it's still a loss. I remember waking up on Christmas morning before and sending them selfies, voice messages, telling them that I know neither of us celebrate this holiday in any severe way but that I'm glad to spend it with them. This year was actually supposed to be the first big one for us, they finally agreed to let me get them a present back in August and.. I spent at least a little bit of time every day between then and the breakup thinking of little things to include in the gift to make it special, to make it about us, to give them the first taste of what I want to give them in life and the joy we could share. Then the breakup happened and I wasn't sure if we'd even get that ever but... now that we're talking every day again I've long since decided to still send them this present, even if it hurts me quite a bit to know that it won't be received with the love and excitement I wanted originally. I've still added a lot of love to this present, though. It's got a lot of parts to it, most of them are surprises and ... none of them are particularly grand besides the pieces they already know about, but they are still so important to me. Right now while I write this my heart is aching for them, it's both a physical and emotional sensation. My chest is tight and aching ever so slightly while my eyebrows knit together and my teeth grind, I'm fiddling with my lip piercing in my mouth and chewing on my cheeks thinking about everything. Emotionally I'm feeling fragile right now, I'm feeling especially vulnerable these recent days and... pent up in a lot of ways. But I also know that they don't really get to celebrate Christmas in the big way that a lot of people do either, so I'm excited to give them a little taste of it even if I'm not there to celebrate with them :) I'm gonna wrap all of their presents and I hope they have so much fun opening them even if half of it won't be a surprise at all. There's a big part of me that's hoping that they will still see a lot of what we could be shine through this gift, that they'll understand the love I have and the effort I'm willing to go through even in times of pain, that I'd give them the world if they needed it. I don't think that's ever been in question, though. That's one of those parts of the relationship I know they never doubted was my effort. Ough... I also, gosh. I wish that... with New Years coming up? I wish that we were both thinking about kissing each other as this year turns over to the next. You can never know for certain, so maybe I can hold out hope that in the next week or so they decide it's my face they'd want to hold while the earth completes it's trek back to where it started. Now I'm really pining delusional, but at least I can acknowledge that it's probably not gonna happen so fast now.
I've asked them several things recently to gauge their comfort, but sometimes I still get afraid that I'm far too much. They said it's okay that I send them posts, that I post about them, that I talk about them on my instagram story, that I talk to our mutual friend about us, that I yearn and long so publicly... but I wonder sometimes if I'm hurting them when I do this. If they secretly detest that I love them still, that my forthrightness about my own emotions might come off as frightening. It's funny, but one of their oldest friends is one of my biggest supporters these days asdkjhlfasdkjf. I show them messages sometimes before I send them to ask if they think I'm being too much, I ask them for advice, we share our own thoughts and hopes. They're sometimes more hopeful about me n' Aaron working out than I am akshjldfasdf but they also remind me to stay cautious and patient too. I've tried to refrain from adding anything new to me and Aaron's routines lately. I have such an incredible itch to flirt more heavily, to send them messages telling them how deeply I love their creativity, how much they make me laugh, how gorgeous they are and so much more but... I refrain and keep it kinda lighthearted. I tell them I love them every day still because I do, and... because a part of me believes that every human being deserves to be told they're loved at least once a day. I don't know if anyone else feels that way, or if I'm just projecting my own wish that somebody would say they love me every day, but I've felt this for a long long time. I do love Aaron, in every way from how I love another human being I've never met simply for the beauty intrinsic to their humanity all the way to the deep intimacy I could only feel towards someone I've shared this much with. I also like to tell Aaron I'm proud of him at every chance I get, that he's doing the right thing, that it's okay that he's taking his time figuring out life not only in terms of our relationship but also with his future in every other facet. Haha I think in a lot of ways these journals end up being my outlet for all of the raw affection I can't give to Aaron anymore. I would always stop if they ask me, but for now I'm glad that they're okay with me writing about us in all of the places I do - from here, to my instagram stories, to messages between friends, to when I say those three little words that mean so much in our own conversations. Their comfort really does mean the world to me, so I genuinely hope I'm never violating it. I don't think that anything has really changed about us in the past month since our last serious conversation, but it's still important to ask that so here soon I'm planning to talk to Aaron and see if they're continuing to see me grow in a positive way, and ask whether their opinions on our feasibility have changed. If they haven't? That's okay!! I'll keep treating them with the love and kindness that they deserve :) I'm okay carrying on like this for a while I think, each day it becomes easier to show them the love that I feel while knowing that they aren't yet (if ever) at the point that they want to show it back. Maybe someday in months or years they'll feel it back... on that day I'll be happy, but not for the first time since I lost them. I smile every single day with or without their love, I just hope to smile brightly together someday.
Speaking of friends, I have two things to say! One, I am absolutely so grateful for the people I have around me who have continued to support me through this breakup. I've been shocked at the absolute outpouring of support from them. Almost everyone I've told about my situation believes that hey, I'm doin' the right thing. Maybe not always in the right ways as I've been told, but that as long as I'm respecting Aaron's boundaries while trying to show him who I am and what we could be, that it's an alright thing. Second, oh my gosh I am finally getting details about my next trip to Europe!! We're probably going to shoot for July for the combination of me being out of school, my friend Gabe being able to request leave during that time and Sammy being as free as always. The plan is still being worked out fully but it's looking like 10 days with at least 2 of them being dedicated to traveling abroad while abroad! Specifically we're thinking of traveling to Amsterdam or Zurich, either of which would be fantastic. I love that... I actually get to experience this sort of life. I'm the only person in my family to travel so young, the only person to fully support themselves like I have and be able to afford this kinda vacation. I'm beyond proud.
That is a good segue into the more positive stuff I wanted to talk about actually :) most of which is... hey, Park? You have a lot to be proud of this year, even if it's not ending how you've wanted it to end.
Let's really think about this for a second, alright? There's over a dozen accomplishments (maybe not, I like to exaggerate) that I've had this year that really deserve celebration!
I visited Germany for the first time, already getting the breadth of knowledge that leaving your home country offers is fabulous y'know??
I continued a relationship into it's third year, making it my second longest ever and the longest I've ever dated someone with no fights or without getting cheated on. It may have ended, but it was the best relationship I've ever had
Got my credit score about 730 YEAAAA BABEEYYYY
Lost 35 lbs over the course of the year
Finished my Spring semester with honors and a GPA still at 4.0 as I left community college
Got accepted to and started at the University of my dreams
Got a promotion at work officially
Wrote a 22 page long creative writing piece (MY LONGEST EVER)
Made new friends and reconnected with old ones
Passed all of my classes at University with a B or higher EVEN DESPITE THE HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE IVE BEEN IN!!!!
Honestly? Just... continued living despite it all. I've survived so much hardship this year and done nothing but become a better person through it.
Let's really talk about that final point for a second... I've been through so much, yet despite it all here I am? I'm a significantly better person in every single aspect of my life than I was one year, two years, five years or ten years ago. I'm thriving and fighting, I'm working my ass off despite everything that would've previously kept me back. Listen... I know I talk a lot about depression, angst, longing and difficulties during these journals, but these are designed to be a purge of bad emotions. For 95% of any given day I am incredibly happy and working harder than I ever have been before. I hope that... if people read these, they don't judge me too harshly for the weakness I show here. I think I'll end this journal here :) I think you can tell that I'm doing better these days from the way I write alone. Goodnight Tumblr <3 if this is my last entry before Christmas, then merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and happy holidays to anyone else out there who might be celebrating literally any holiday or personal festivity at this time!!!
I can honestly say that I'll be going into 2025 loving myself, this life, the people I have in it, my future and my past more than I ever have.
I love you all so much, goodnight Tumbie <33