it dosent seem to matter what i try or dont try, nothing works. i cant accomplish anything. anything at all. everyday is the same fucking thing. wake up at 3 in the afternoon, fight with people on twitter for hours, wait around till my mothers husband leaves so i can finally eat my singular meal that day, scroll on reddit, fight with people on twitter, try to accomplish something, fail miserably after 10 minuets of trying, watch youtube, doomscroll on tik tok, whack it, watch youtube again, put my mom to bed, scroll on tumblr, watch south park, whack it again, go to sleep. thats all i know how to fucking do. i can sit here and say "oh im gonna make an album and be famous and sleep with all my celebrity crushes and preform at cochella with the boots ive been saving under my bed." because none of it sounds hard. and its not hard, its not hard at all, hundreds of thousands, millions of other people do it, but i cant. they do it without help. there entirely self sufficient if they need to be, and if they arent, they have endless resources at there disposal to cosplay as an artist with mommy and daddies credit card. im having to do this entirely on my own without any outside help at all. and you know what? its not working. its not working to try to make an album without any knowledge on how to do that, and no one to educate me on how to do it. i cant solve the problems i have when i dont know what im doing. it dosent matter how much music i listen to, how Meany notes i make about the production i make, how meany interviews i watch, how Meany notes i make about how other artists started, how meany youtube tutorials i watch, how meany times i post online asking for help and advice, im not getting anywhere, its not helping. i dont learn anything from any of it. and i dont know how to fix that because i dont even know what the knowledge im missing IS, much less how to acquire it. i dont know why i cant make music. i dont know if its because i dont understand how to use the software correctly, i dont know if its because im trying to make analog music (guitar, drumkit, bass) digitally, or because i dont know how to play any the instruments, i dont know if its because i dont know music theory, or know what chords are, or because im otherwise missing some key piece of information that is keeping me trapped in not being able to move past the first step. i open the daw, i sit in front of for a while, not knowing what to do here, and im lucky if i can even get a shitty melody onto the piano roll from the perfect one i hear in my head, and im even luckier if i manage to figure out more than one instrument, and im even luckier if i get stuck trying to mix and master after getting through with just making all the instrumentation. 95% of the time of it, i open the daw, dont know what to do, and give up trying for the day after 10 minuets. and i dont know how to solve that. i dont know if i need to buy a guitar, or a new microphone, or go to collage, or take voice lessons, or give up trying to produce and just steal beats off youtube, or what. and what makes the whole thing even more of a sick joke is how easy it is for me to write song lyrics themselves. i have a folder filled with 30 finished songs with verses, choruses, bridges, all completely finished with a vocal demo. i already have plans albums and track lists, when i want them out, what the album artwork will be, all of that shit. thats the easy part. so clearly, i dont fucking suck the way i think i do, i must not be hopeless if thats easy for me. so whats the issue here? why am i stuck? why cant i accomplish this if fucking pinkpanthress is a one woman show? what do i not know how to do? what am i missing? what is the issue? how do i solve it?
i dont know how to problem solve. not at all. if i cant figure something out in five minuets, my desire to accomplish it goes away and i give up, and go back to just entertaining myself. the only reason i was a good student is because i didnt have the ability to give up. it wasnt an option at my disposal when i was in the center of a classroom being told to accomplish a task i dont care about, like it is when im home and the only person i have to answer to is myself. i dont wanna solve problems. its not fun. i cant solve problems, because there is only ever one right answer and no matter how meany times i try i never get the right answer. if i do, than its only ever the last option after i tried every single other option. its the millionth try out of 999999 fails. nothing about that is fucking rewarding, it fucking sucks. it makes me violent.
i dont know how to create well. i only know how to consume. and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume, and consume and
