#i need skeep

[autistic-michael-queerler]

mutuals please can one of u come to my room and stab me

[your-tires-are-too-cold]

hello, this is your fbi agent

okay so i have no explanation for this im sorry

____

ship: ralbert

genre: crack with memes

warnings: first person (????), memes, more memes, this is not related to spies, the worst crack and even worse writing, idk fam

editing: ha

words: 1099

____

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*

Yes, that’s me, Albert Dasilva, sitting behind a desk, spying on someone through their phone camera for the FBI. You’re probably wondering how i ended up in this situation. Well, frankly, I am too. I always knew that I was a walking meme, but I never thought that I would actually become one.

See, I had just finished college and, like most college graduates, was looking for a job. One of my friends who asked to remain nameless *ahem* jAcK keLLy, told me to apply to work at the FBI because apparently you only need a college degree to do that. And me, being the dumbass that I am, decided to do it as a joke cause fuck it, why would they ever hire someone who had been arrested for stealing oats and cream cheese from Target when they were 14? (Alright fine, I technically wasn't arrested, the cop was clearly caffeine deprived and let us off with a warning. Although they didn't catch us the one time Jack and I stole one of the Target balls in broad fucking daylight. Wait. Forget I said that. I’m a good wholesome Christian child and have never stolen anything, anything I may or may not have told you was a blatant lie.)

Plot twist, they fucking hired me.

(Jack got a real kick out of that, believe me.)

And, as part of my intern training, I had to do only the most memey job on the whole internet:

Watch people through their phone cameras.

Yes! We actually exist! This is not just some dumb meme that the internet made up! And I would know, because the idiot I’m assigned to watch doesn’t sleep so therefore I don't sleep and I have the dark undereye circles to prove it!

God, I want a fucking nap.

But no, instead I’m watching an idiot look up fucking lazytown quotes at two in the fucking morning.

*muffled shouting* Oh, and he’s hot. Thanks for reminding me, Jack. Not like that's WHY IM WRITING THIS YOU ASSHOLE!

*deep breath* Okay, anyway. Back to the story.

Why am I doing this?

Right. Cause I hate myself, that’s why.

Anyway. The kid that I have to watch through his phone camera. His name is Race. And no, before you ask, I do not know why he goes by Race. It’s not my business. I only watch his every move on the Internet, I don't know his whole life story! What kind of organization do you think the FBI is, huh?

Just kidding, we definitely know your whole life story and its definitely recorded in three different places, one of which is a vault hidden under Argentina. But you didn't hear that from me.

*more muffled shouting*

Jack is telling me that I’m “beating around the bush too much and need to get to the point.” Fine. I know that’s what you came here for anyway.

In short, it was a stormy night and the power had gone out, but I, a dedicated FBI intern who did not want to lose my only source of income, was using my rapidly dying iPhone to watch my assigned civilian through his phone camera. That night, the man had looked especially enchanting, the light from his phone illuminating his luscious blonde curls and accentuating his deep blue eyes, making it seem as though I could drown in their-

Okay this just sounds like shitty Wattpad fanfic. Is tHAT WHAT YOU WANTED JACK?! Also I don't know what Wattpad fanfic is like because I’ve personally read any. I spy on people through their phone cameras alright, I’ve seen a whole lot of weird shit.

Essentially, what happened was I caught some feelings. And, my supervisor figured this out by reading my weekly reports and told me essentially to “tell him you like him so you can go on a date and I can reassign you so that I don't have to keep reading these lovey dovey reports because they make my brain turn to mush.”

Thanks for that Katherine. Love you too.

And now, here I am, having this fan tas tic  monologue while trying to figure out how to compose a text message.

(Before you ask how I have Race’s phone number, I work for the FBI. There’s a lot of information I have that any normal citizen would want. Like what is actually kept in Area 51 (baby iPhones), if mothman is real (he is and secretly is the president of the United States), and if Canada is real (its not). But you shouldn’t trust any of this information because I work for the FBI and I could be lying to you.)

Here’s what I have so far:

Hi Race. My name is Albert and you might not believe this but I am actually the FBI agent in your phone...yes, we exist. I’ve spent the last 5 months watching you and I think you're kinda cool and pretty cute and was wondering if you would like to meet up some time. (Also stop looking up lazy town quotes at 2 am, I now have the whole show memorized because of you.)

Overall, it’s not bad, but there’s some things that I think could be improved and- wait, Jack, nO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP GIVE THAT BACK I’M NOT FINISHED!!

*10 minutes later*

He sent it. Jack sent my fucking message before it was fuking finished and now Race isn’t going to fucking respond and I’m going to be alone forever and Katherine is going to reassign me and I’m never going to see Race’s angelic face ever again and-

Oh.

He responded?

What the hell?

Honestly, I guess I should have seen that coming. Race has no common sense.

What? I’m allowed to say that! I spend my days looking at what he googles, alright!

Anyway, I’m sure you're dying to know what he said, so here it is:

Hi Albert! You better not be trolling me because this has been the biggest and I oop moment I’ve ever had. Please tell me that you haven’t exposed my two am lazy town search sessions to the public. No one is supposed to know about that. And yes, I would love to meet up with you. Mostly to apologize for my google search history and for the memes (hehe) but also because anyone who can spy on me for 5 months without going to therapy than maybe you can actually put up with my craziness! Xx Race.

Huh.

Maybe this job isn’t so bad after all...

____

im so sorry please dont unfollow me

feedback is always appreciated, hmu to be on the taglist

tag list

@fairly-awkward-trashcan​

@well-the-kids-do-too​

@racetrackcook​

@ughwaitwhat​

@aw-jus-let-em-try​

@voice-foundshoe-lost​

@stopthe-presses​

@ridin-in-style​

@pinecovewoods​

@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing​

@getchapapes

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen​

@stellar-alpaca​

@saxoph-ella​

@smolcanadiankid​

@disney-princess-sized​

@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog​

@insane-tomato​

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn​

@have-we-got-news-for-you​

@thatfancyclam​

@myidkwhatmynameisblog​

@legoflambwrites​

@not-a-scab​

@albertdasillvaprotectionsquad​

@entschuldigung-bitches​

@thebroadwayaesthetic​

@tea-and-theater​

@seasickdolphin​

@auspicioustarantula​

@newsies-of-ny​

@mrs-higgins​

@spot-me50-papes​

@papesdontsellthemselves​

@deathcast-s​

@the-poodles-of-pulitzer​

@hopefully-not-the-ghostbusters​

@humanracoon​

@irondad-spiderson-duo​

@albert-eats-cookie-cake​

@nico-nat​

@localfakeitalian

@carryyourownbanner

@warmwoolysweaters

@spot-the-brooklyn-pirate

@writing-makes-me-antsy

[your-tires-are-too-cold]

college adventures with saph, season 1, episode 14 (??)

aright so this morning the guy who lives next door to me whacked me on the head with a biodegradable spoon like 7 times. if he gave me a concussion im suing.

last night we thought my roommate had a secret admirer cause someone drew a heart around her name on our white board and we extensively searched the building for the same marker. after like 2 hours we realized it was just some random kid. but we were all Prepared to go Full Bfu.

at breakfast today i had to look up the definition of a cryptid for all the non believers that im surrounded by.

i sent a package to my dog. it arrived at my house today. the contents is definitely not for my dog.

the same guy who live next to me thinks that me and @papesdontsellthemselves are dating. i almost choked.

west african dance is Brutal.

i had my second admissions interview today and i was dressed Real Cute for it. i think i did well.

also some guy might like me. or maybe he just liked how i looked in my sexy dress. yet to be determined.

my ballet teacher still hasn't bothered to learn my name.

there are some assholes on the third floor who like to stay up until 4 am being loud and watching tv. we got passive aggressive emails about dorm etiquette today. coincidence? i think Not.

also im about to write an essay literally about tumblr. what has my life come to.

[wishihatdyou]

I have these 2 OCs and I can’t stop thinking about themmm

Ooooo gunraven ily

ooooo ur so gay and cute

ooooooo angstyyyyyy

[sylviawitch]

Just looked at the date on my iPad to find out what month it was in the fanfic I was reading, and my friends, it does not work like that…

[nyalphyne]

ayyy guys its 4:20 am lmao

[kuroown]

I love my cat.

[killerwednesday]

The day you are exhausted because you did not sleep much the night before so you try to go to bed at a decent time to catch up on lost sleep AND. YOU. CANT. FALL. ASLEEP.