#iamblairwolfe2

[notshani]

i will not sew buttons onto your shirts

separate the clothes before i wash them

or sew up your socks

i will not always welcome you home to a tidy house

i probably won’t be waiting at home at all

i will disappear sometimes

and come home teary eyes and smelling of tequila

i will write you poems on your phone, napkins, my hands,

and even on the bills you need to pay

i will have panic attacks mid laugh

because the song on the commercial

played once while my dad beat me

sometimes i won’t make sense

i’ll go out and pick flowers

and tape them to the ceiling

so you can see what it’s like to wake up to something as beautiful as you.

i’ll tell you the secrets that hold my heart

so you can share it with my demons

and try to keep them from biting you

i will not succeed

i hope you’ll still love me

like i hope you’ll still love me

when the flowers start to wither

and fall onto the bed i haven’t gotten out of in weeks

i hope you’ll still love me

when i stop writing poems about you

and start writing them about slit wrists

and hospital visits

i hope you’ll still love me

when the weight of my illness

starts to weigh your heart down

i hope you’ll let me help you cope

i hope you know that when the world is ugly

you’re still the same beautiful constellation

and my favorite wall flower on the wall

and i hope i will always find my way back to you

[notshani]

i always wanted to be the girl that waves gracefully as she walks away

that leaves painfully beautiful suicide notes on well kept vanities

i always wanted to bow as the crowd marvels at my wonder

i always wanted to be the beautiful aryan princess

my blue eyes flowing like the water ophelia rotted in

i wanted hair as gold as midas’s fingertips

but i stumble at the thought of myself

a bumbling knock off nefertiti

i only wanted the beauty to destroy it

to crumple it up it in my hands and eat it

like a midnight snack i snuck from grandma’s kitchen

i always wanted to be the boy so eager in his sunday clothes

but they’d never fit me right

fuck this dress is too tight

i can’t climb trees in this

the birds always call me home

but i could never reach the sky in this body i’m doomed to love

& grandma always said to be in by sundown

only boys play at night

& it not safe for pretty little girls under streetlights

i told them to call me jimmy paige

when i stayed out late

i always wanted to be too much

i wanted a hard jaw and smooth skin

i would bite my lips to keep the secrets in

slit my wrists at dusk

enough to hurt

but not deep enough to scar

cos pretty girls don’t scar

but sometimes i scrape my knees

i always wanted to be the beautiful girl with her head in the oven

curls falling carefully over the burn marks

but i am no lady lazarus

my resurrections are always ugly

like the dirt caked under my fingernails

i always wanted to be prince charming

but sometimes my body betrays me

i walk under streetlights

i fumble over my words

my suicide notes are unpoetic and plain

stuffed into old folders

and thrown in the garbage

with the leftovers i never ate

they always wanted me to be the girl that waves gracefully as she walks away

but i vacillate between conditioning and desire

to choose a side

i cannot shake the idea that i am meant to be more than what i am assigned

but perhaps i’m just another statistic 

[notshani]

Shitty prose of 3/20/15

I haven't written anything in about a year

And I keep telling myself it's because I have nothing to write about

Nothing to say I have no story to tell 

Nothing of worth to share anymore 

I haven't self harmed in about two years 

After battling demons in my head 

Day after day 

After 5 years of the systematic mutilation of the greatest gift ever given to me

And about two years ago I sat in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's mom's car 

And swore to myself and him that I would make myself worthy of life In my own eyes 

And as I figured out why I was worth anything more than a bleeding wrist and a tired heart 

I wrote and wrote of everything that really doesn't matter anymore 

I healed the habit 

But I never really healed my heart 

Not even a little bit 

So I haven't written anything in about a year 

Because as I pretended to fall in love with myself 

I fell out of love with words 

And forced myself into a kind of numbness that no one should endure 

I masqueraded as fascinated when nothing really moved my soul anymore 

Static and frantic and lacking any sort of semblance of what once made me interesting 

Nothing is worse than realizing that depressed had become your main character trait 

And without it you are boring 

Nothing is worse than staring your friends in the eyes and noticing nothing but contempt 

Because you're kind of a sociopath 

And apparently sociopath's are a lot harder to love that self harmer's 

So I guess haven't written anything in over a year because I haven't felt much of anything in over a year 

And I guess there's a lot more in healing than I had in mind 

But there is always something to live for right? 

Always people that need you in the selfish way that people do 

Always battles to fight Oppressors to challenge 

Always a reason 

Because even though one day the earth will burn to ashes 

And no one will remember Beyoncé's "Single Ladies" 

Everything we do has a purpose 

We all need to grow 

 So I haven't written anything in over a year 

Until now 

Because the most beautiful thing about life is realizing how useless everything is 

And doing it anyway

[notshani]

Someone recognized me from youtube yesterday on the bus & I got embarrassed & hid in my sweater like a turtle.... yupp...

Them: Do you have a youtube

Me: yea

Them: You sing really nice I like it (lots of nice things)

Me: wow thank you I appreciate that thanks wow

Them: *takes out phone & shows friends my videos*

Me: *wraps sweater around head & pretends to be a turtle*

I'm very embarrassed at myself. I did that like that was an acceptable thing. Yea. 

[notshani]

[notshani]

I don't get when people don't see gay marriage as a legal issue. There are 1,138 CIVIL RIGHTS that come with marriage that we are denying these people for no good fucking reason and it infuriates me.

[notshani]

05/11/13 10:09 AM

The world is a scary place

Demons dance around in our heads

Monsters in our beds

and sometimes I think it's all too much

So I marked away the pain in lines

That seemed to get deeper everyday

and I covered them up 

I let them slowly eat me away

But love

Oh my love

I'll lay the away the pain

As it circles down the drain while I'm here in your arms

I could love you forever

and I'll bury my misspoken charms

I'm not ready to lose this yet

[notshani]

how I know you