#iamcoggs

[iamcoggs]

There is so much of the world I'd love to experience, I wish she would come hold my hand so I didn't have to leave the couch today.

iamcoggs

[iamcoggs]

Every chapter of my life has been dog-eared by some accomplishment of which I was immensely proud at the time and hoped would outlive me in some way. Digging through a box of my old things, I often find these accomplishments hidden away with old report cards and family photos and I realize - these things, these accomplishments, they'd already outlived me. The person who created them is long gone, and I stood here in that ancestor's skin; all the better for him, having built upon a foundation he laid down.

Christopher Brush

[iamcoggs]

I haven't genuinely broken down in years. Not since I lost my mother to cancer and my fiancée to another man within 6 months. But I'm on the verge. I'm so very, very close to losing it. Every waking moment is anxiety. Thinking about my child and wondering if I'll see her again is enough to make me start shaking. I am simultaneously trying not to dwell on circumstances I can't change and surrounded by pieces of her in my daily life - toys, toothbrushes, clothing, car seats, snack foods, and everything in between. I'm so very, very close to collapsing in on myself. She is my everything, my purpose, and I'm so very empty without her. I'm asking for prayers, thoughts, well-wishes, and fingers crossed. I can't do this on my own, please.

[iamcoggs]

Queued Post - Mother's Day

I know not everyone's life is glamorous. I know that even my friends who seem to have it all together also have their low points. I know, I know. However, I can't help but feel like I'm being cheated, as if the deck is stacked against me. Like I'm being put though a test designed to bring out my "true" colors. Every step forward is not only met with new challenges, but also impossible decisions. I've shown, time and time again, that I won't give in to the seemingly relentless bully, but perhaps that's why I'm continuing to be pushed. I lost my mother 7 years ago, and I know that had to happen. She was sick, weak, and in pain all the time. I know she had to pass so she could be at peace. I know that. That same year, I was also left by my fiancée after a five year relationship, then lost half my friends to her, many of them as close as family, and then found out she was marrying one of my best friends using many of our wedding plans. Even then, I wished her well because I knew that cursing her decision would mean I'd never deserved her to begin with. I just wanted her happy. Five years ago, I had a new best friend; a partner in creative projects, and future roommate lined up. We drove to Austin, TX to interview for a job we were already promised, and started looking for apartments. That same week, my dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, similar to the cancer that killed my mother only a short time before that. So, knowing my brother would never fulfill the tasks my father would require - making appointments, preparing meals, hospital visits, grocery runs, etc., I told my friend I couldn't make the move with him. To this day, I see his posts about Austin and he occasionally reaches out, encouraging me to visit. The good news is that my dad got better. Not remission, but he isn't deathly ill anymore, following the years of treatment and his giving up smoking. I don't regret staying by his side as he had done for my mom, but I still wonder where things would be if I'd gone. Two years after Austin (3 years ago), I befriended a young, new mother and her 3 month old baby girl after the biological dad took off. We became close and I took on the role of father to the child. For a while, things were great. We had fun, food on the table, and a lifetime of new experiences for our daughter ahead. It's tough to say where things starting tipping south - call it miscommunication or opposing ideals of lifestyle, but after a little more than a year, our family unit fell apart. I stayed in their lives, and have since taught our baby so many things like how to spell her name, how to ride a tricycle, and how to paint, just to name a few examples. I've been there for so many milestones and I couldn't be more proud of her. But as of this last couple months, I'm not certain I'll ever be allowed to see this child I've fought so hard to keep in my life. Once I became more of an inconvenience than a solution to the mom, I was booted out, cut off with no warning, and claims that continue to drive a wedge between me and my kid were made. I'm heartbroken, to say the least. 99 times out of 100, I know it's not in anyone's best interests to compare your life to others because the grass is always greener.. But the contrast is extreme here. Friends get married, announce baby genders, start big careers, vacation to Europe on a whim.. I'm not meant for that, it seems. Ever since I became an adult, I've been on a wild ride of opportunities and potential washing away under waves of circumstances beyond my control. If we are the sum of our experiences, it must be hard to get a read on who I am. My experiences don't amount to anything consistent. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have a point, or if I ever meant enough to anyone to be allowed in their lives for more than a couple years. I've stopped dating, to be honest. I've drawn the conclusion that I'm not suited for a relationship, since I've got too much drama going on to keep one going. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. This isn't to say I don't have an interest or two out there, but I can't, shouldn't, and won't pursue them. Conclusion: I'm posting here instead of further bothering my friends who have been nothing but helpful to me throughout my 3/16 life crisis, my 1/4 life crisis, and my 5/16 life crisis. I'll find peace eventually. But for now, I'm lost in limbo.

[iamcoggs]

Hey gang, it’s my birthday. I’m having some people over to play video games and we’re going out to lunch and I couldn’t need this more. 2016 has been pretty rough so far. I’m just excited to have a day where I don’t have to worry immensely. Yay, birthday!

[iamcoggs]

Me: I’d really like to get to know you. *checks their Tumblr archive* Me: I thought you were different, bro.

[iamcoggs]

If who you are at 2pm isn't who you are at 2am, your demons might play well with mine.

[iamcoggs]

I’ve been following and reblogging some of you for so long that, if you ever just messaged me and told me about your day, I’d probably just tell you about mine and continue assuming we’re just old friends. ‘Cause we are.