He's still asleep when she takes to watching him, memorising the rise and fall of his chest as her cheek presses to it amidst their lazy tangle of limbs. She's forgotten what this feels like and how much she misses it. It's the first night she's slept soundly in years, plagued neither by regret or fear - only the occasional snore from her dormant paramour. She likes to tease that he snores like a yak, that he could wake the dead and half of the street just by taking a nap, but she'd be lying if she said there was any truth in it. He's quiet for the most part tonight, and that's the way she likes it - when the house is silent and all she can hear is the therapeutic sound of that drumming heartbeat beneath her head.
It's strange to think they can go back to this after so many arguments and uncertainties, even stranger to think that they can even be together after so much bad blood. It's the war that scares her, not him - but his devotion to it is equally troubling. Magda wants her family back, she wants that slice of heaven they left behind in the Ukraine when anonymity was the greatest currency there was and nothing outside of happiness needed to exist. Forget the city, she wants that cottage in the middle of nowhere, when her husband works all day as a carpenter and comes home aching but content to find his smiling wife and darling baby girl…
Her drifting thoughts bring with them a wave of melancholy, a dull ache ever present in the void left by Anya's passing. She coils in closer to Erik, revels in the weight of his arm as it holds her rounded belly protectively, his fingers spread warm and even across the curvature of it, even in sleep. He's promised to protect this baby and to protect her, but she can't help but worry anyway. For all of his chivalry, who's going to protect him? She's seen the news reports, she's seen what's happening the world over, when mankind is teetering on the brink of war all over again. She doesn't want to bury another child, but nor does she want to become a widow either.
She wants a life of simplicity, nothing more. A life she can spend with the people she loves in some measure of tranquility. She wants to grow old with Erik, to watch her children grow up and have children of their own. She wants a job, a place to belong and more important than all of that, she wants an existence that isn't constantly about teetering on a knife edge. When she closes her eyes she wants to see visions of sipping lemonade on the front porch on lazy Summer afternoons. She wants to imagine building snowmen and the scent of fresh bread curling around her like a warm embrace. She wants a future, simply put - and at the moment she's not sure she's going to get one.
Sighing wistfully, her fingers fold themselves over her husband's as she shifts within their bed, the faintest of stretches seeing her kiss the beginnings of unwanted stubble along the underside of his jaw. She thinks maybe she should just content herself with the here and now, and ignore the reality at hand. Deep down she knows what she wants doesn't matter in the end; that the needs of the few can't outweigh the needs of the many. Maybe Erik's got a point fighting for freedom and liberty, maybe he's just trying to give the rest of his people moments like this one, when they can be safe and content in arms that don't want to harm them. It's admirable really, and she's proud of him for supporting such a doctrine, but she'll be damned if she says she's happy about it.
She married Max Eisenhardt, the messy haired country boy. She didn't sign up to be a revolutionary's wife. Hadn't they already had a lifetime's worth of worrying about each other's chance of facing certain death? Hadn't they already paid their dues and blood debt? Magda knows it's selfish. She knows it's ridiculous and naive, but she wants nothing more than to stay in this bed with the man she loves for the rest of her life. If they never set foot outside of this room, maybe then they can pretend a war isn't coming. Maybe then they can pretend that this is still freedom and that everything they've fought tooth and nail for is rightfully deserved.
Magda doesn't know where she stands with Erik anymore. She knows she's supposed to support him, as is her duty and her vow, but there are certain things she can't condone, no matter how good the intention. His anger is one of the few things that still scares her, the way he can so easily and readily switch from placid to homicidal in a matter of seconds. She's never been on the receiving end, but she's seen it and it bothers her. In those moments of blind rage, it's like he's a different person, as if rationality and morality have just been washed away in a heartbeat to leave only a monster in it's place.
She doesn't like to think of him as one, because she believes still, in the heart that's beating beneath her ear at that very moment. Believes whole heartedly in the warmth and compassion she knows runs in his veins because it's the very thing that's spawned life within her womb. Maybe he's got lost along the way, maybe he's taken some wrong turns and made some poor decisions, but that doesn't make him a bad person does it? That doesn't give her reason enough to walk away. She's thought about it though, in the wake of his crusade, thought about where her life will lead if she continues to stand in his shadow, waiting for the blood on the ground to soak through and coat her feet.
Maybe once the baby is born, he'll find a new purpose in his life. Maybe when the baby's born, he'll open his eyes and think; 'hang on a minute - maybe there's another way.' He was such a good father to Anya, such a devoted and honourable man, it instills her with the hope that maybe he will be again. Maybe this'll be the one thing that tips the scales and changes everything for the better. Magda can hope so at least, as she tries to fathom her place in his new world order. She wonders sometimes if maybe she's not enough, if maybe it's her humanity that's weighing him down and stopping him from achieving his ultimate goal of mutant austerity.
And then at other moments, sometimes just as fragile as this one, she realises what an idiot she is to ever doubt Erik or his affections. To ever think for a single second, he was anything other than sincere or merely settling with her. It's conflicting in every sense of the word, and in part she thinks she's safer not thinking about any of it. The future is always a day away and to that end, she should content herself with the here and now, with the reality of warm flesh and an even warmer heart to tide her over until morning.