#iampoz

[wandabrendlemoss]

#WandaWorld #IamPoz I am #HIV living healthily with #AIDS I love @zeestrong creations! (at Winston-Salem, North Carolina)

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

1 Year

1 year since I found out my ex had been cheating on me.

1 year since my lift turned into something I never thought imaginable

1 year since my rapid hiv test came up as a preliminary positive

I'm not ready to face such a milestone, especially as i spent so much of that year running from the fact. So yes can today be over already,

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

Can I please skip tomorrow?

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

This is the reason I hate early mornings - there is nothing to do so my mind runs away with me which right now isn't a good thing. I can't help but think about how different my life is right now than I planned it to be.

It's remembering that my parents can't love my because of my sexuality, and actually feel that strongly they'd rather not have a son at all than have a gay one. 

It's remembering the the only boyfriend I ever had broke my trust and my heart in the worst way imaginable. It's reliving the conversation we had after I first discovered he'd been cheating, and all the emotions that followed when my rapid HIV test came back giving a preliminary positive. 

Since then I've made so many mistakes and so often they seem to haunt my life. I can't forget about the mistakes I've made and I hate myself for them. Alcohol and drugs were my coping mechanism but almost a year on from that first preliminary positive my life is even more messed up than ever. 

I just feel so lonely and right now I just wish there was someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. 

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

Small steps towards a better outlook

So after a nice weekend enjoying the sunshine and not focusing on tasks that need to be done, today is about getting the garden sorted and painting the fencing and getting more of my assignments completed.

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

Once again I'm up stupidly early, on the whole things seem to be very slowly getting better just wish sleep was one of them things if anything it's getting worse :( 

[even-attemptin-recovery-is-brave]

So much has changed for the negative in my life over the past year since my 21st Birthday this day last year. 

- I was forced to stop contact with my brother because my parents can't accept my sexuality

- I discovered my now ex-boyfriend had been cheating on me for 7 months

- Discovered the same ex-boyfriend has given me HIV

- Struggled to cope with reality so turn to alcohol

- When alcohol wasn't enough I got addicted to drugs. 

- I spent time in rehab 

- I relapsed and sort of got myself back on track.

If all that negative stuff can happen is just one year how can I once again change my life around and have a year full of positives that will mean I can actually be proud of myself.

- This time next year all my uni work for my final year will be complete 

- I will have hopefully been drug free over a year

- I will be making the right health choices to help me be in as much control as I can over my HIV

- I'll be closer to hopefully being able to reconnect with my brother

- And I also hope that over the next year I can start to learn to love myself. Not because I do something for others but because I deserve to love myself.

[earthwindandherpes]

I'm kind of an old fart (28!) and wasn't sure how to comment without reblogging so I figured I'd use your Ask box! I am unsure if he knows about my status, we've never discussed it but I don't hide it. This & twitter are the only places it's not publicly disclosed. I have been told he knows. I would like to speak with him bc his diagnosis is new, but won't bring up the possibility of getting it from him unless he asks. Each day is a different struggle, but I will be ok. Blogging helps :)

Definitely. Keep us posted. :)