Why the Kavanaugh Shit is important.
You may be thinking that of course this is important because he just got confirmed to the supreme court, and he was accused of sexual assault. & You know what, I get it. I understand that worry that many democrats have about President Trump nominating people to the supreme court. I understand the frustration of the Republican party having control of the House, the Senate and the White House. It IS a problem and there should be discussion surrounding it. But this problem goes ABOVE politics. What are we saying to survivors of sexual assault. Prior to 9-1-18, I don’t think I would have been as invested as I am now. I am a survivor of Sexual Assault. I am not ready to tell my whole story, I don’t know if I will ever be ready. But I understand the fullest extent why Dr. Ford took 36 years to publicly accuse her attacker. There is so much shame surrounding sexual assault, because of our society, and it can be a confusing event. It took me 45 days after my assault to fully realize what happened to me, and I still struggle with placing blame on myself. As a victim advocate I know all the facts. I know that the vast majority of rapists will never see a day in court. I know that it is never the victim’s fault, yet I still place blame on myself. I trusted the wrong person, I slept in his bed wearing only a t-shirt and underwear, I didn’t stop him. It’s my fault, right?
I know that the best way to get any sort of justice is to immediately get a rape kit at a hospital, but I felt so gross that I needed to shower immediately. So I did, at his house, with him in the shower. I wanted to be alone, but he insisted and I didn’t have the words to say no. He was never violent, and truthfully he was extremely kind and chivalrous before and after everything happened. I didn’t report because I told my closest friends that I was not a virgin anymore and that I was okay with it. (I don’t really know if that’s true.) A victim of sexual assault never thinks that they are going to be a victim of sexual assault. In those moments I could not and did not want to be a victim so I tried to rationalize it, through the very depths of my pain. The pit in my stomach has never been deeper. So I got myself on birth control, and I stocked up on condoms, and I stocked up on Plan B. If I take control of my sex life going forward, I wasn’t assaulted, right? I can’t be assaulted again, right? I know that this is irrational, and it was never my fault and it doesn’t matter what I called the event immediately after. I was uncomfortable, I was in a state of shock, and I felt intense shame because “it was my fault” I haven’t told my family, because we are extremely religious and it would be painting a red letter on my chest, I don’t want that, but I couldn’t stay silent anymore.
I didn’t report because I need the people around me to believe that I am still the strong woman that I am, and I need my family to think that I take care of myself and protect myself. I want to remain how I always have, and being a survivor of sexual assault is something I never wanted.
I didn’t report because I don’t think my perpetrator thought anything was wrong. I didn’t say no, and I didn’t stop him as I had in previous “close calls”. I didn’t report because it wasn’t violent, and it wasn’t that painful as society said it should be. I didn’t report because I told people that we had sex, it was the only way to rationalize it. If it was my choice, I wasn’t assaulted. I didn’t report because there is no evidence, I washed it all away. I didn’t report because it took me 45 days to process what happened. I didn’t report because we continued snap chatting like nothing happened, but I stopped yesterday. Removed him from my friends list, and I am removing him from my life. I know I should stand up to prevent it from happening to other people, but I cannot admit what happened, not in the open, not to my co-workers, family or friends.
i stand with Dr. Ford because she is standing up for me. I stand with the survivors who have come forward because I have too much to lose if I came forward. I stand with survivors because I want them to know that I believe them. I stand with survivors because I am one, and I am not ready to share my full story, and I probably will never be able to, and that is okay. The way that SURVIVORS feel is real and valid.
