It's Complicated - Chapter 8
Niall couldnât help but to be hurt by Zaynâs actions. What had he done that was so bad? He had been trying to help him, heâd been trying to be there for him. Niall realized it was probably because he had saved him. He had saved Zayn when he tried to commit suicide, and that was why he was upset. But wouldnât Zayn have gotten upset earlier? Maybe it was just now that he actually realized what he had done. Niall honestly had no idea what to think. Other than saving him, he couldnât think of anything he had done.
So, it hurt. Even still, Niall got up out of the bed. He wasnât going to touch Zayn if he didnât want him to. âZayn... what did I do?â He asked quietly. Niall didnât know if Zayn would even want to tell him what he had done wrong. âAll I want to do is fix it. Iâm sorry, for whatever I did...â
There was silence. Zayn didnât answer, so Niall finally continued. âI donât want you to push me away.â He mumbled. If Zayn pushed him away, then there was no way he could help her. Of course, he wouldnât give up, but what could he do if he wouldnât let him do anything? âIf you push me away, then I canât do anything to help you. You realize that, right?â
Zayn swallowed thickly at Niallâs tone of voice. It wasnât exactly harsh, but it wasnât the friendliest tone heâd ever used with him, either. âItâs better this way.â Zayn finally whispered, her back still to Niall. He turned his head just slightly, enough so that she could see Niall out of the corner of his eye. âItâs better that I push you away. Because right now, if you were to leave me, you wouldnât have left me after knowing everything. I wouldnât blame you if you left me right now. Iâm your problem, remember?â
Niall shook his head, biting his lip. So he did remember the suicide note. Of course, that wasnât exactly something you could forget. He hadnât been going to mention anything about it, but since he had brought it up, he decided it was alright to talk about it. âYou arenât a problem.â Niall said softly.
He looked down, thinking back to when he had found Zayn. How when heâd read the suicide note. The little words heâd murmured to him after reading it. âYou arenât a problem to me, at all. I donât know what Harryâs problem is, but I want to be here. I want you to be here, on this earth. Since I want you here on this earth, me taking care of you isnât a problem.â He said softly. âAfter seeing you like that... I donât know if I could leave you.â Harry admitted honestly.
Zayn swallowed thickly. The words were quiet, gentle, and they sounded honest. The honesty and sincerity in his voice made Zayn want to believe him. Made him want to tell Niall that it was okay for him to touch him, because he really needed the physical contact back. But he couldnât do that. Niall would just end up leaving him once he got used to the physical contact again. âBut you canât always stay with me.â He whispered. âYou have to go back to Liam.â
The words made Zaynâs stomach twist and her heart clench. Just mentioning Liam did that to him. Of course, Liam was still his best friend, but now Zayn couldnât help but to be jealous of him. He got love, and Zayn didnât. Zayn didnât deserve love, though. Nobody loved the suicidal guy. Who would love somebody who was mentally crazy? He didnât deserve love. Liam did, because she was normal. He wasnât fucked up, like Zayn was.
Niall sighed quietly. Zayn was right. He would have to leave eventually. âBut I wonât be leaving you.â He said softly. âEven if Iâm not here physically with you, Iâll still be here with you. Iâm always just a phone call or a text away, you know that, right?â
Zaynâs breath hitched. He had secretly hoped that Niall would tell him he didnât have to leave. It had been just a slight hope, but it had been there. Of course, that wasnât realistic. He needed somebody to love him, and that wasnât Niall. âYou can go, Niall.â He whispered. âI donât want to mess anything up with your relationship. I know he was upset because of the media, and the rumors theyâre spreading about us. So, I donât want that to happen again. You can go.â It was just an excuse, but at least it was a somewhat legitimate excuse.
Niall sighed again. He was afraid to leave Zayn, especially while he was in the hospital, and when he was so suicidal. But what was he supposed to do? If Zayn didnât want him there, if Niall was somehow hurting him, then wouldnât it be best for him to leave? But then Zayn would think that she was left alone, and would become even more depressed and suicidal. Niall finally shook his head, âNo, Iâm not leaving you yet. Iâm not going to leave until Iâm sure that youâre not going to try anything else.â
Zayn gave a small little whimper. Niall was going to leave once he was better. Then that would mean that he would sink back into depression again, once he left. He would have pulled himself out of the bottomless pit, only to stumble and fall into it again. He shook his head, âIf you stay until I get better, then youâll leave and I wonât be better anymore.â Zayn paused, âActually, Iâll probably never even get better. So, thereâs no point in you staying until Iâm better, because then youâd be staying for forever.â
Niall sighed. He knew he wouldnât be able to stay forever. âWell, Iâm still not leaving you yet.â He said firmly. âIf I left you, I would bug you constantly.â He let out a little laugh. âAnd if you decided to not text me back, or not answer one of my calls, I would come over. So, no, Iâm not leaving.â
He sighed. âFine, then.â Zayn said quietly. He finally turned over on his other side, so that he was now facing Niall. He gave him a slight smile, which he replied to by giving him a gentle smile. âThanks, Niall.â Zayn finally said quietly, looking down and biting his lip.
He gave Zayn a small grin. âOf course.â After a second, he moved from the chair that was next to Zaynâs hospital bed to perch himself on the edge of the bed. He didnât move any closer, not sure if Zayn still didnât want Niall to touch him.
He finally relented, scooting closer to Niall. He didnât say anything, just gave the little gesture that it was okay for him to touch him. Niall gave him a soft smile, laying on his side and pulling Zayn closer. He tucked Zayn into his side, one of his hands rubbing his back gently. âYouâre okay.â Zayn said quietly.
Zayn gave him a slight smile. âThank you.â He said again quietly. He was trying his hardest not to think about the future, and about how Niall would leave her. He was trying to focus on the present, and the fact that Niall was there for her right then.
Niall was about to respond, when suddenly Zayn was gripping his shirt tightly. âAre you alright?â He asked quietly. Niallâs cheek was resting on his head, so he wasnât looking at Zayn.
When there was no response, Niall quickly looked down to Zayn. He looked pale, and his eyes were unfocused. He was dizzy, that much was obvious. He was really out of it, which was why he hadnât answered. Suddenly he was back, just for a moment, and he gave a slight whimper.
âZayn...â Niall whispered, his eyes widening. He was getting worried. Something was obviously wrong, but what was it? He was debating on pressing the call button to get a nurse in there.
He turned to grab the remote to press the call button, but before he could actually do anything, Zayn gave another little whimper. Niall turned back to him, not able to do anything before Zaynâs mouth opened and he was throwing up everywhere. Niallâs eyes widened, and he quickly smoothed Zaynâs hair back. He saw tears starting to fall down Zaynâs cheeks, and Niall shushed him gently, âHey, hey, itâs alright. Just let it out.â
The room was spinning, and by the way he could feel that his face was hot, Zayn knew his cheeks had to be a deep red. He was embarrassed, and ashamed. If he had any clue that she was about to throw up, Zayn would have pulled away. But it had just come out of nowhere, and now suddenly here they were, Zayn throwing up all over Niallâs chest.
When he finally got done, the tears kept falling down his face and he pulled away from Niall, eyes wide. âOh my god, Iâm so sorry!â He kept babbling, hands going everywhere as he didnât know what to do with them. Zayn didnât know if she should be trying to clean Niall up, or if he should be calling a nurse to get Niall a change of clothes, or what he was supposed to be doing. Zayn was panicking, and that much was obvious by the way his heart monitorâs beeping was loud and fast.
Niall was trying to calm him down, but Zayn wasnât even listening to him. He knew he wouldnât listen to him until it got all cleaned up. It wasnât like Niall had brought an extra shirt with him, because neither of them had expected to end up in the hospital. So after thinking for just a split second, Niall just took his shirt off, crumpled it up and threw it to the side of the bed. He hoped that once it was out of Zaynâs sight, he would be able to do more to get it out of his mind.
He took Zaynâs face in his hands, then leaned back over the side of the bed where he had put his shirt. Using his shirt, he lightly wiped his mouth, then put the shirt back on the floor. âZayn, listen to me.â He said in a gentle, soothing tone. âItâs okay. Iâm not mad, Iâm not upset. Youâre okay, alright? You couldnât control it, I understand.â
Zayn sniffled and leaned forward, pressing his face into Niallâs bare shoulder. He was so embarrassed, he couldnât believe that he had actually just thrown up all over Niall. âOh my god... Iâm so sorry...â Zayn kept mumbling. His tears were hot on Niallâs shoulder, as he clung to him.
Niall had his arms wrapped around him, rubbing his back and shushing him gently. âYouâre okay, mate. I promise. Itâs okay. Iâm not mad, Iâm not upset, and Iâm not leaving you. Alright?â He said softly. Niall pressed a kiss to Zaynâs forehead, tilting his head up so that he would look at him. âI promise you, Iâm not leaving you.â
Zayn nodded, and he tried to slow his breathing down. It took a few minutes, but he finally got his heart monitor to slow down, along with his breathing. Tears were still falling from his eyes, but they were a lot slower now. There was only one every so often now, instead of a constant stream of tears. âIâm going to try to sleep.â Zayn whispered.
Niall nodded, âThat sounds like a good idea. If the doctors come in, Iâll ask when you can leave, yeah? Hopefully youâll be able to leave today. Iâll get you back home, and get you back in your bed, all safe and sound.â He said quietly.
Zayn nodded. âAlright.â He said softly. âWhen they come in, make sure you also ask if they can give you a shirt or something.â Of course, Zayn didnât mind that Niall was shirtless. But if the paparazzi got in there somehow, they would have a field day at the fact that Niall was laying in a hospital bed with her, shirtless.
He gave a soft smile. âOf course.â Pressing a kiss to Zaynâs forehead again, he pushed a piece of hair back from his forehead and continued to rub his back lightly. âJust try to get some sleep.â
Zayn didnât say anything more, just cuddling closer to Niall. It took a few minutes for him to fall asleep, but when he did, he was out like a light. He looked more heartbreakingly innocent, pale, and fragile than he ever had before. âGood night, Zayn.â Niall whispered, even  though he was already asleep. âSweet dreams.â
