Leo smiled at that. He liked it too. Immensely. There was an oddity, perhaps, in the feeling of a place that should be filled with people, now empty. It was a sense of quiet that felt akin to nothing else. Almost out of place. Yet somehow, that made him feel as though he belonged there all the more.
“They’re not empty...” he replied, that smiling still playing at his lips. He stopped in his tracks, not abruptly enough to startle Sooyeon. Their hands were interlinked, fingers gently entwined, and he took advantage of the fact. What was a date without a dance?
He turned to her, made the tiniest of bows. Then, beckoned for her to come closer with a finger. When she did, Leo raised the hands that still held each other and put his free hand on her waist. This was... cheesy. Yes, almost unbearable so. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. The stars were beginning to shine faintly against the muted pink sky and Sooyeon was radiant in soft light, taking up all his field of vision.
Taking the side streets on their walk home had been an inspired idea. “You’re here,” he said, “And I’ve been practicing.”
Have you heard about x-wearethefuture-x ? And how about iceprincesssooyeon ? No? Boy, you're missing out some great writing! I just wanted to let my admiration be known, because they deserve it all <3
He wasn’t quite sure he remembered the walk home. In fact, he was barely certain of anything at all. Surely... the girl he had just seen had been a ghost. That was the only explanation. He was- he was tired. That was all.
Leo had waited until Minha and Sunyoung had returned from lunch, then muttered hasty excuses about headaches and feeling ill. The memory was not there when he had re-entered the shop. Good. That was... good.
Now, all he could think about was seeing someone real. He could almost imagine her touch against his arm, barely any thought required to summon it. He could feel her warmth, and the longing for it, the desperate need to be enveloped in it, to quite sure she wasn’t- No. No, she would be home. She was his home.
He near tumbled through the door. His hands were shaking. God, he had to calm down before he saw her. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her when there was nothing to worry about. Nothing. It was just his mind again, his guilt. A minor slip through the cracks he thought he’d filled. Leo swallowed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the door as he closed it behind him. “Sooyeon?” he called out into the quiet of the house. It occurred to him she might not even be here.
“This weekend? I don’t know. I think my schedule’s pretty booked.” Sooyeon replied, pretending to check her calendar on her phone. Though the charade only lasted a few short moments before she was giving a soft laugh, “Kidding~ This weekend will be perfect.” She touched a kiss to the side of his head.
“K-Kidding?” Leo blinked, sudden surprise melting into a pout. A barely perceptible one, if he had any say in the matter. “Ah...” She was teasing him and he knew it, but his heart fluttered for a moment, and not in a pleasant way. It was still there, then. Here was the proof. The feeling that this beautiful peace was fragile, that it would fall to pieces in a single breath. He poked her gently in the side and let his hand stay there. “If you do have plans, it can wait.” I can wait. Though his nerves might not take it.
“I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say ethereal…” She laughed softly, feeling just a bit embarrassed, “It’s beautiful, though. Almost overwhelming, even.” She offered her hand to Leo then, not minding at all that he hadn’t done it first. He seemed to be a little distracted, after all. “You’re sure it’s not too much?”
Leo shook his head, still dazed. He couldn’t help himself; his eyes roaved over her, drank in the curve of her waist, the way the colour highlighted the warmth in her skin. “Ethereal is too weak a word,” he replied. A small smile slowly faded onto his lips. He’d take her hand, gently guide her down - these dresses, he knew, were sometimes difficult to navigate a room in - and never want to let it go again. The second it was in his own, so gentle, he wanted nothing more than to pull her to him.
“It isn’t too much,” he assured her, shaking his head again, “You may steal everyone’s attention. That's not a bad thing... unless someone tries to steal you from me.”
Her reply would have been the same regardless- Minha could stay with them for as long as she’d like. Sooyeon thought she was interesting company and the kids were absolutely enthralled with her whenever she was around. But that last part only reinforced her already simple decision to let Minha stay for a bit. Leo didn’t have to explain himself any further- Sooyeon knew exactly what he was talking about. And she knew it was something that probably wouldn’t be easy for him. Gently, she placed her hands on either side of his face, “Of course she can stay with us. Even if it’s longer than a day or two.” Sooyeon touched her lips to Leo’s, a soft, short, kiss. When she spoke again, her voice was a bit quieter, “Take all the time you need, Leo. …will you be okay?”
She didn’t step away. She didn’t look at him with the disgust he felt crawling over his skin. He would have doubted that she’d even picked up on the words unspoken were it not for her lips against his, their softness the mirror of her voice. He had killed a girl, someone he had believed he loved. Sooyeon knew this. She had seen it. The evidence of all his mistakes, the blood still on his hands... and yet she still did not hate him. Leo released a shaky breath, looking away. He had let himself fester in his pain for far too long. He would end it. This would end it.
“Thank you,” he said, the words heavy, weighted. Suddenly, all he needed was to look at her. He did, his hands cupping her cheeks, thumb stroking gently. “I...” Would he be okay? He didn’t know if any of this would work, if finally getting rid of the evidence he’d kept would absolve him of the feeling of guilt that had followed him like his shadow, or if it would be the one last fracture to his weakest point. It was risky. Others could find out. But had that not always been the case? “I will be. I’ll be okay. I have to be.” He paused, touched their foreheads together with his eyes closed. “I do not want you to worry about it Sooyeon. Do not think on it for one minute. It will be over soon, no matter the outcome...”
This sketch was of… her. Unmistakably so. She’d seen Leo’s sketches of her before and he knew every inch of her body with a kind of precision she could never understand herself with. Fingers and eyes of a tailor, mapping the body of his lover. If she happened upon an article of clothing she liked while they were out shopping, there was a reason she trusted Leo better than herself to help her decide which size or style would suit her best. He knew her. Every inch of her.
Yet this wasn’t quite like the other drawings she’d seen of herself from him. This was… oh, god. How could she ever describe the way it made her feel to look at it? To see his rendition of her in a wedding gown, the veil, the flowers…
She let her eyes trace each line, as if doing so might keep it locked in her mind forever. He’d left it vague, simple. It gave him (and her) enough room to consider the details. She wondered if he’d done that on purpose for this reason or if he’d simply not dared to imagine it its entirety. Sooyeon knew that she, herself, had avoided considering more than the basics for that very reason- the fear that it might never happen.
But with the image here in her hands it all felt so close. It felt possible and real and it flooded into her without restraint. Overflowed inside of her tired body until she felt at once weak and exuberant. They hadn’t discussed any of this since they’d picked up their relationship again. The conversations of where they might be in a year, in a decade, they had fallen silent for the concern that they might not last. Or, perhaps, for the concern that it wasn’t something the other was still considering. But she needed no more proof that the possibilities of a future together were still on Leo’s mind. They hadn’t lost everything when they’d parted ways for that short while. They had only stepped back, reevaluated pieces of what they had. Some of it had to be rebuilt entirely. Parts only needed to be mended. And this hope for something lasting, something eternal… it had never really left at all. It had just been set on a shelf as they fixed themselves.
It was only a few moments later when she placed her notebook aside, slid the sketch back in it, just beneath the front cover. Leo was still sound asleep, it seemed, but Sooyeon felt wide awake. She wiped the tears from her eyes, lied back down with him. And, this time, she allowed herself to be the one curled up, pressing into Leo’s chest, waiting for his arms circle around her as they always did. She’d woken him up in doing so, even if just for a fraction of a second. She felt bad about that. But he could fall back asleep if he wanted to. Sooyeon knew that she, personally, had no intentions of moving from this spot for a little longer. She would tell him about this when they were both properly awake. When she could kiss him “good morning”, watch that soft smile form on his face as their eyes met. She would tell him she’d found the sketch only then, when they were gazing at each other and the world fell still around them. For now, however, she would stay like this. Hoping that she’d stopped the tears enough that he wouldn’t feel them touch his skin. But if, by chance, he did realize she’d been crying a bit… if he did, by chance, ask her what was wrong… she wouldn’t lie to him, wouldn’t pretend for another hour or two that she hadn’t seen the sketch. After all, all he had to do was glance towards her bedside stand, see the paper ever so slightly sticking out at the top, and he would know. She wasn’t trying to hide it.
Sooyeon pressed a kiss against his chest, linked her legs with his as if they could never be quite close enough together. In a whisper, she spoke, “I love you, Jung Leo. With everything I am.” Then, her words a bit more daring though her voice was softer in case he hadn’t yet fallen asleep again, “And if you asked me, right now, to marry you, I wouldn’t hesitate to say “yes”.”
The first thing Leo saw when he woke up was soft sunlight. There wasn’t one single source; it poured in from all directions, blanketing him – them – in all directions. It felt like a softly whispered promise against his skin, or the warmth of hands ghosting over him. Perhaps that sunlight simply echoed in his recollections, a reminder of the person who seemed to always bring it to him. He blinked slowly, allowing the light to filter in. Sooyeon… his hands automatically reached for her, as he had done every day they had been apart and every day after coming home again. This time he did not have far to reach. He was only just realising, now, how close to him she was. His eyes closed again, allowing sleep to pull him just below the surface once more, and felt his way to her arms, her fingers... His toes touching hers where he had instinctively pulled them closer together as she came closer to him. Her legs were between his. Leo didn’t care to unlink them. There was no need; why untangle them when he had spent so long fear they would never rest like this again? Why unthread the pieces of them that were so easily stitching themselves together again, entwined as they ever were?
His arms draped over her, a loose yet protective grip. There was no questioning the fact that he wanted her all to himself. Once, had he thought such a phrase, let it exist in his mind for a mere second, panic would have seized him. A fear that other thoughts might trail after that one, darker thoughts that he couldn’t erase. No longer was this the case. His lips curved at the thought, the smile as warm as the contentment that filled him to the very edges. He allowed the thought to prompt him into pulling her closer, into lowering his head on the pillow so that his face lay inches from hers. There was no need to open his eyes to tell.
Leo could feel her whispering to him. It was soft and muted, as though he were still underwater and the waves were washing away the sounds before his mind could properly place them. But he heard her. Felt her. She loved him. God, to hear those words as a morning call, soft birdsong at a late dawn when they were so often said as a goodbye... He could not comprehend the feeling it gave him. He had thought he would never hear them again. So much of this had been up in the air - their here and now, the fragile future they’d wished for - that feeling the soft sheets underneath him as she said it felt surreal. Perhaps he was dreaming. It was possible to dream of good things, he had to remind himself.
And if this were a dream, if her words were simply n answer to the wistful longing that he’d carefully kept hidden away all these years, he could believe them. He could hear her speak and know it really was her voice, not some nightmare that his mind wished to torture him with again. Even if this was a dream... even if he was just imagining her saying yes...
Eyes still closed, Leo raised his hand to brush his fingers over her cheek. No need to look. “If you asked me, right now, to marry you, I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes.” How- How could that be so? The words ran through his head and he wanted to continue them. If he asked her right now...
Marry me, Sooyeon. Let me be yours. I want every second f the future we dreamed about. Every little piece of it. His mind searched through the countless times he’d imagined her in a dress trailing to the floor, another ring on her finger that matched one on his own. Foolish fantasies, he’d always assumed. But if he asked her now- If he could cast all that fear aside-
His eyes blinked open. The light poured in once again and then did so for a second time when he saw Sooyeon in front of him. Her eyes were already open. Leo’s gaze locked with hers. A dream. You’ve always been a dream to me. Sleepily, Leo leaned forward, kissing her forehead with more tenderness than even he knew how to feel. “Good morning, Sooyeon,” he murmured. Leo brushed her hair from her face repeatedly, soothingly, his eyes never straying from hers. “My sunlight... my love...”
A reply for @iceprincesssooyeon one month too late, for the day that Leo will never find enough words to do justice to.
A birthday was just a birthday.
One day longer alone. Another year for him to recall how much things had changed. And he had changed them. He’d changed them, been changed by them in return. First his parents, then his grandmother. Then Taejin and Sohyun. Now Sooyeon.
And she should have left long ago. How many reasons had he given her now? Instead, she had come back. Not for the second time that month, Leo stood at his doorway in awe, a Sooyeon on his doorstep, carrying parcels and an umbrella. He reached for her without even thinking. No... he couldn’t do that. Scaring her away before she even feels safe enough to come in. Unless she had never intended to come in. Maybe she was only here to drop off some more of his things and go. What if she hadn’t wanted him to open the door. What if-
Leo froze and looked at his hand. It hovered just above her wrist, ready to take her hand. He took the wet umbrella from her instead. She... was as surprised as he was. Leo swallowed down the fear that had risen, unbidden in his throat. Perhaps she didn’t want to see him. But that was not the case. She had come here to see him, specifically for his birthday. The spark of hope he felt, so small, barely enough to set a match alight, caused Leo to press a hand to his chest. He rubbed it away, trying to appear casual. Sooyeon would not buy it. How could she? There was nothing casual about them anymore, not since they had met, nor since the day it had nearly fallen apart. Nearly. Because she waited for him now, on the doorstep of his house with gifts. There was a thread that still remained unbroken. Leo wanted to tug on it gently, pull her closer to find out the strength of it.
“Ah... I- I thought...” That you wouldn’t want to see me. That it would cause you too much pain. He stepped back to let Sooyeon past. It gave her plenty of space to avoid getting too close to him if she preferred. “Come in.” The scent of her perfume breezed past him as she went. Leo’s eyes fluttered closed.
He watched her settle some of the gifts on the breakfast table, where they had once shared dinner they’d made together before Leo gave her a drawing he’d been working on. He had debated giving it to her for days. Her smile when she’d received it had told him it was the right thing to do. He could trust her completely. That was why she was here now, wasn’t it? He still trusted her. She could do what she wanted with him and he would have no objections. Leo didn’t understand how she could still give him gifts to celebrate when they had been apart for so long. But he was near speechless as she gave them to him.
The teddy bear came first. Such an improvement on the last one, technically. But it was not this that Leo loved so much for it. It’s soft fur brushed his fingers, almost as if imbued with all the questions he had left them with, the comfort they always gave him. He had left them. No explanations. He had done to them exactly as their biologic father had, as his parents had done even though it was not their choice. It was all Leo could do not to hold the bear tight against his chest and not let go. He held it close anyway, tucked into the crook of his arm as he took the card. The familiar writing tore at his heart. Wishes of happiness, hopes that they would like the cake, Minjin writing very articulately on how they decided to make the bear.
When was he coming home?
Leo dropped his head, bringing the bear up to bury his nose in its fur. Sooyeon had seen him cry so often he hardly worried about showing her the emotion. But when he lifted his head, a smile, albeit weak and filled with guilt, appeared on his lips. “I’ve missed them,” he whispered to her, “I left them, didn’t? I did not want to Sooyeon, please believe me. I don’t know if they’ll understand. Making sure they were safe, away from me, was all I could do.” He looked at the bear again. “I miss them.”
Putting the bear down reluctantly, and placing the card beside it, Leo took one look at Sooyeon with unrestrained curiosity before opening the box. Inside, a cake in the shape of a cats head sat waiting. “Miya...?” he asked dumbly before the realisation dawned on him. Not Miya. It was supposed to represent him. He pouted softly, forgetting himself in the familiarity of it all. And Sooyeon’s laugh. Her hand seemed to rise slightly as she did. Leo caught the movement in the corner of his eye, met her gaze. He wanted to take her hand. Anything. Just to be close to her. He resisted, hand curling whilst holding the bottom of his jumper instead.
Listening to her speak was gift enough. It had been two weeks since their last encounter. Broken glass fragments and unrestrained truths still lingered in Leo’s mind. Hearing her talk so normally felt incredibly rare. He’d taken such small things for granted, having been so concerned with preserving the future and hiding the past. This was what mattered. His gazed down at the box. He read the note. These... were exactly what he’d missed. Everything. Her voice, telling him about her day, what the kids had been doing, asking him why... just why. Leo looked at Sooyeon, distraught. She couldn’t go now. “Please don’t...” he rushed to say, “Stay, Sooyeon. Please stay.” Then he did what he had been aching to do since she walked through the door, only a small fraction of it, and took her hand.
With the other, fingers lightly shaking, he pried open the lid of the box. Seeing the letters, the scraps of paper... Leo held his breath. Underneath them was a key. The key he’d returned. The trust she now gave back to him, so completely, in both letting him read her thoughts, and allowing him to find a way home again.
He started slowly, in silence. He did not speak the entire way through. The tears began to trail down his cheeks somewhere in between. She had been scared. Worried. Worried for him and herself. For Miyun and Minjin. She thought... that he had not loved being with her. Of all things, that was the furthest from the truth. He just couldn’t explain it. How words failed him at the worst of times. Being with Sooyeon was the brightest light he had ever experienced in his life. The days they spent simply getting to know one another; warm coffee cups in their hands as he walked him to work whilst she was still studying, the night she had kissed him whilst they were quietly watching a film and he had followed her rather than walked away. God, she even remembered how they met. The first few notes on paper cups. Leo ad kept those. He was certain they were somewhere here, filled with doodles he had added to them when his mind wouldn’t focus on work. He had nearly forgotten. How could he let himself forget that?
Slowly, the letters lay open around them, every single one. They hadn’t sat down. Leo had stood, still as death, feeling life and pain and love coursing through him at a rate that felt like it was setting his blood on fire. The song still sat untouched and it was this, at last, that Leo turned to once he had finished. Sooyeon had written a beautiful melody. There wasn’t a day that went by that Leo wished he’d kept his mothers old piano. Only one place existed where he could play this now. Until then, he would have to sound the notes in his head. He’d have the memorised faster than he possibly should. He hummed them now, gently, to give them a voice.
It was like the sun reflecting on raindrops as the clouds cleared, but rain still fell; relief and sorrow all at once. And Sooyeon, still waiting beside him, the very reason why Leo could see all the colours. It was bright. Beautiful. He’d made her wait so long, caused her so much more pain than he ever could have done. Staying away had given her time to collect her thoughts but at what cost to them both? To them, as they were, together and apart?
They had to talk. This silence couldn’t go on a second longer. It suffocated them still. Leo let his fingers drift idly over the back of her hand and when he spoke, his voice was calm. “We’re not going to give up.” He said it as a realisation. That flicker of hope reignited. It would be impossibly painful, yes. Leo needed - no, wanted - to work everything out. He would have to talk, and not ignore the events that had slowly destroyed him. Whether it be Sooyeon, someone else... He had to give up every secret, completely break himself before he could rebuild.
He could do it if Sooyeon stayed next to him. That he could believe. Staying apart only hurt them more than he had ever thought it would. He took long, shaky breaths. Too much oxygen flooded through him. Or was that the weight that had somehow... eased? The fierce guilt no longer pressing quite so hard against him? “Not any of it,” he continued, “Keeping away from you does nothing. It is a punishment for both of us. I deserve that punishment, but you do not. You... you still want to try, don’t you?” Of course she did. She wanted it as much as he did, only he was too scared to admit it. If he made things right and still found some happiness with Sooyeon, Miyun and Minjin then something would come to take it away. But if it did, he would not be the one to take it away himself.
“I want to try to be a person you deserve to have loving you. It will take time... I don’t know if it can be done, but for the days ahead we still have, I will give everything I have to see them into reality. I promise you this. Because I- I love you. More than anything, I need you to know that. I love you, Sooyeon.” That ache to lean toward her and kiss her, to cup her face in his hands and show her what this meant, nearly consumed him... He could not say everything now, but for the first time in months, Leo thought they had time. They had time to talk. They would have time to figure out how to love each other without this destructive force hiding between the tiniest of cracks.
A few minutes passed. Leo kept his hand in hers, his left hand now holding the key. Its weight was comforting in his palm. Enough to convince to ask one more thing of her. If Sooyeon turned him down, he would not protest. He’d make sure she left safely and worry about calling her, ultimately deciding not to. He’d sit at his desk half the night and follow her lead: he would write, and what he could not find the words for, he would sketch into sense. But if she indulged him, he could wait an hour or two more before he began. Leo bit his lip, then found a sliver of courage left to ask her. “I know we- we will meet tomorrow. But would you stay for a little while? Only... it would not feel right to try the cake alone.”
