Jun 23, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON JAWBREAKER’S MAIN DANCE, VOCAL KWON HANA...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member made it to the semi-finals of a survival show prior to debuting with the group.

IDOL IMAGE

When Hana appears for the first time on TV, she’s twelve and she has sharp eyes and a spellbinding aspect to her presence. Her persona on the stage is void of the usual femininity seen in the other contestants but she’s any less charming, she’s smiley and quite awkward at times, but it’s fun to watch her dance. Her face may not be what people expect to see because she’s not fit for the standards and she’s also a little bit short, but her proportions are great, and she’ll grow to be a someone they can remember. She’s twelve and people see her as a doll. Not because she’s flawless, but because she’s easy to point at and tell what’s wrong and what’s right and what they’d change and which traits they’d keep.

She hears it all, takes all in. They give the idea plastic surgery at some point but, in the end, it would do more harm than good. Hana is known because of her face, her “not-so-perfect” features. Change it now and what kind of reputation and backlash KJH would have to handle later. Her face is known, her soothing and velvet(ish) voice is known, so they use it to their own benefit. Once she debuts, she’s in charge of marketing the group. The young girl from 2011 grew up to become a confident and soft-spoken woman who’s in a girl group after five long years of training and hard work. She’s upbeat and she’s fun and she responds well and reacts nicely to what happens. She does a great job whenever Jawbreaker is out to do variety shows.

She’s thoughtful of fans and she seems affectionate and sweet with a certain spice in the end. They tell her to play safe in the sexiness department, many people who’ll follow Jawbreaker thinks of her still as a young kid not as the woman that now she is, and what KJH wants is to keep fans satisfied and not upset, so she follows their demands.

Hana is a monster on stage and that’s exactly why she gets the attention of the public. The perfect girl crush material, charismatic and flirty, dangerous looking at times even. Fans say she grew a lot compared to her days in the survival show. Not only in height but in attitude and in skills. She’s the mix that pleases people, she’s not too sexy and provocative but she’s neither too innocent nor too disinterested. She serves the purpose of being an entertainer. There’s not much in-depth information, just shallow perfect idol image.

IDOL HISTORY

When she approached her parents to talk about her plans for the future, they were expecting her to choose the most ordinary careers to follow her path. Graduate high school, go to college, became a doctor or a teacher, start living on her own and build her own life from then on. However, they were quite astonished when she came up with the news that instead of falling into the standard norms, she was planning to appear in an audition program instead.

Hana was always a shy kid. Since she was little, she didn’t find it easy to befriend people or to talk in front of the class. She was ordinary and blended out all too well amid her schoolmates. She didn’t have any superpowers like the girl a couple of years older who could run super-fast or the boy from her class who could bend his back and twist his fingers until they reached his wrist because he was flexible. She knew math and she liked science; those were the things she was good at.

When she’s ten her parents come up with the idea to enroll her in ballet classes. They expect to teach her discipline and patience, but Hana was well settled in those already. It serves her with a different purpose instead. She wasn’t born with talent and she was not a prodigy. Her colleagues were faster to catch up with choreography and exercises while she kept struggling with the basics, but she didn’t want to give up on this. She wanted to have a superpower as well, something that could make the other kids look at her and think she’s also cool.

It takes her months to realize that she is finally keeping up with the other kids and that she’s actually pretty good at dancing now, she learns the steps quicker and by the time they are having winter festivals, she’s on the stage performing in front of many people. It doesn’t go well the first time. She misses the beat, bumps into the scenery and at some point, she forgets what she’s supposed to do. She’s lucky she’s something along the lines of ballerina #3. When it’s done, she hides in the bathroom and cries.

She thinks she’ll definitely have to resign, not only out of embarrassment but because she was proved wrong and she wasn’t doing better. She was still awkward and shy and didn’t know how to stand in front of a crowd. She missed practice for almost a month before a spurt of determination hits her and she decides she can’t do only the easy stuff and let less successful experiences bring her down. The determination didn’t come out from nowhere. While watching TV she saw Diamant in a variety program and while already successful, Hana came to the realization that not all were flowers to them in the beginning too, even though now they are the Nation’s Group.

Hana changed directions though. Although enjoyable and honestly, educational, ballet didn’t really fit for what she wanted to do. Three years later, at the age of fifteen and after many dancing classes and bruised feet, Hana auditions to a new survival show, K-pop Star still in its first season.

She grew confident with time. Becoming close to people still is a struggle but at least now she doesn’t feel anxious whenever she stands on a stage. She spent the last few years working on it, on the fact that she was capable of doing it just as much as the next person. She then appears on the show as one of the contestants and even Hana and her new spur of confidence are surprised to see she makes to the semi-finals of the show. During the few months she participated in the competition, the audience grew fond of the girl who seemed so confident up there despite her young age. Moves light and precise, facial expressions on point as some liked to point out. Her one issue was the fact that she was short, and her face wasn’t stunningly pretty, but letting that aside, many people speculated she’d debut right away after being eliminated.

It didn’t happen like that.

The year is 2012 and KJH is this ideal and new thing that shows up. With her name hot in the media because of KS, it would be easy to attempt auditioning for bigger and more well-known companies, but not even Midas, the company of her favorite group managed to get her attention properly. KJHGC looks warm and welcoming, so she tries them first. And there she stayed for five years before debuting.

She resents the fact that she didn’t look up for more in-depth information before she started training with them. Despite learning a lot and being given opportunities to grow not only as an artist but also as a person, she regretted the fact that she lost great part of her high school years planning and training and dieting and studying and hoping that they wouldn’t leave her in a deep basement, in the limbo of their forgotten trainees.

She grows a shell around her that is more well-hidden than the one she used to have when she was little. Instead of shyness, there’s self-doubt. She wonders why she’s kept away from debut for so long, wouldn’t it be for the best if they used the hype she had around her name instead of keeping her away from the spotlight? She doesn’t question them, but she wonders, wonders if she’s not as good as they first imagined, if she was nothing like what they expected. She practices even harder in the last year before her debut. She didn’t know if she’d make it in, but she was there long enough to be recognized as someone at least worth of consideration.

When the media announces that KJH is planning to debut a girl group and the semi-finalist girl from the first season of K-pop Star is part of the group, the news run fast. Part of it being part of media play of course, but nothing too big since the company still wanted to keep the underdog and hardworking image for the girls. She didn’t have much of an opinion on the matter by then. She was happy she was finally going to debut, and she also knew her name wasn’t only her own anymore. The contract that bid her to the company and the debt she created before she was even twenty served her right to remind her, she should work hard.

Serving as one of the best performers in Jawbreaker, Hana does exceed expectations with her now refined and well-trained dancing style. She receives high praises for her improvement while also being the aim of people who says she’s being overrated and overused. Despite having no wishes to go back to survival shows now that she debuted, Hana still wants to try her hand in variety shows, wanting to spread a friendlier image of her group and not only spread the notion that because they are focused in girl crush concepts, it doesn’t mean they are intimidating and too strong to socialize, but unfortunately KJH is holding her back on that aspect, allowing her to briefly do radio shows and sometimes make competitions appearances.

She’s simply hoping for better days to expand her repertoire now that they are heading towards their third year as a group. She has her mind set in certain goals, she just needs to work with what she has now and perhaps, in the future, she can do better.

She just can’t give up.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.jawbreaker #id.kim chungha

idolizerp

Jun 23, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON JAWBREAKER’S MAIN RAP, VOCAL ELEANOR MOON…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Ellie CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member is a rap soloist

IDOL IMAGE

the marketing team at kjh have an idea in mind when they hear about the new foreign trainee. silly american, still getting accustomed to the language and the culture; it was a stereotype they assumed she’d slide into easily. when word of this reaches her ears, it’s obvious to her that they haven’t done their research. that’s not who she is; she’s not even sure she could pretend to be that. they have yet to speak to her about it, and it doesn’t look like she’s debuting soon, so she does everything in her power to change their mind. she knows she has to be respectful of her new company. her father’s words ring sound in her mind: “don’t speak back to anyone like you spoke to your teachers here; you’ll be sent back home without a second thought”. more than anything she wants to succeed and debut. but she decides she needs to be bolder. she speaks to her superiors with a surprising confidence. in any class or lesson, she’s always at the front, eager to learn and even more eager to impress. eleanor knows she’s more than a stereotype; she just has to show them.

when it’s time to debut, the image they’ve come up for her isn’t one she would pick for herself, but it’s better than the original idea. there’s an emphasis on respect (that’s not a surprise to eleanor); they’re the newcomers on the scene, they have to earn their spot. they want people to like them, to feel like they’re at the same level. be humble. they know eleanor has a tendency to be brash, and though they claim they want her ‘true personality to shine’ they also want to reign her in. she can come off as straightforward and a little gutsy, but there are boundaries. don’t insult, don’t offend, don’t show the group or company in a bad light. everything in moderation.

they decide to play up her underdog story. her parents, korean immigrants wanting a better life for their future children than they were able to provide in their previous circumstances. a girl raised in a different country wanting to get back to her korean roots, feeling a calling of some sort to be apart of it all. rap competitions she came in second, never first, so she pushed herself to be better. to be the best. and here she was, finally succeeding and debuting as a main rapper. achieving her dream. it’s a story spun to inspire girls around the world, that anything is possible. ellie proves to them that she’s not so different from them.

eleanor thinks higher of herself than most of the world does, though she doesn’t always let it show. she’s been quoted claiming that she’s the self-proclaimed visual of jawbreaker, and the true reason for their success. no one is ever entirely sure if she’s joking or not, or if this is all an act. she doesn’t want them to know the answer. it rubs some the wrong way, and others think it’s cute and naive. when asked who she’d want to trade places with for a day, she said ‘no one’ because she can’t imagine being anyone better than who she already is. her favorite part of any comeback is her rap (“it basically defines the whole song”, she claims). a meeting with her management and a very firm slap on the wrists follows.

this gains her backlash. it’s been there since day one, but this really stirs it up. why does she get to be the main rapper? what makes her special? the other members are more talented than she is, she reads. they have far more experience, and she can’t deny that. one of them was raised by a rapper/producer. three years feels like an eternity to eleanor, but there are trainees that have been working for over six years and still haven’t managed to debut. what does she have that they lack? while she wants to scream back that she has talent, passion, and drive, she keeps her mouth closed because it’s what she’s supposed to do. when asked to comment on her criticism, she just smiles and promises fans that she’s working her hardest to be the best she can for them. when has she become this person?

despite her big mouth and sometimes too-much confidence, she is depicted caring for her members. she may let out a huff or roll her eyes when one hugs her, but she can be caught passionately cheering them on in any ventures outside of the group or out at dinner with one of them, letting them pick off of her plate. she’s not motherly of the younger girls, and not a maknae-type by any means. more of the teenage daughter who acts too cool for her family but deep down would do anything for them.

what they want eleanor to be and who she wants to show the world are completely different people though. her confidence is obvious to anyone who interacts with her. it oozes out of her pores, out of her mouth, impossible to ignore. she’s someone who knows what she wants and is committed to getting it. she’s the girl in school you were afraid to talk to. the one you thought just might bully you but instead empowers you to be a stronger version of yourself. the male fans would love her for her body, her rapping skills, and the not-so-subtle winks she hands out like party favors. the girls would see the more dangerous side of them in eleanor, the side they wish they were confident enough to show to the world.

but for now, she waits. she waits for their next concept, for the reviews to come in, for a chance to be a little more herself. it seems just out of grasp, but she’s fighting for jawbreaker’s success and the freedom she misses.

IDOL HISTORY

eleanor is practically born with middle child syndrome. she has an older brother her family adores, he’s a natural at everything he tries. the only thing she’s good at is talking. the babbling starts at an early age and her parents wish they could go back to a day when she didn’t make a sound, because now she never stops. and when she learns a word, three more come quickly after and before they know it, she’s talking their ears off again. it’s nonsense of course, but it’s never ending. as a child, she’s needy and can’t seem to entertain herself; she craves the attention. on the day she turns three, her birthday party is canceled as her mom is rushed to the hospital prematurely. she returns with two more kids, a boy and a girl. everyone is fussing over the new additions instead of bringing her presents and talking to her. at that age she doesn’t understand why, but ever since, her special day wasn’t just for her. she had two others to constantly share with. share toys, share her parents love and attention. she had never been a fan of sharing. a young eleanor tells her parents very boldly that she hates her new siblings before slamming the door, causing the babies to cry.

at home, it’s all korean all the time. they speak it because it’s easier for her parents, and to make sure they don’t forget that part of who they are. eleanor’s mother cooks traditional korean food, just like her mother did. she tries to get her kids interested in it and her oldest is a natural, of course. eleanor can’t seem to get the hang of it or find any interest in it, so she’s shooed out of the kitchen. a bitter scowl is present across her face during dinner. the only time when she feels truly included is during their summers in daegu. she cherishes the time she gets to spend with her grandmother, because at times it feels like her grandmother is the only one who cherishes her.

her father is a professor at a local university, teaching korean language and asian studies. her mother is a pediatric nurse. with two parents that work full time and three other siblings, it’s near impossible for eleanor to get any alone time, or even attention, from her parents. so, like a true middle child, she begins to act out. at first it’s talking disrespectfully to teachers. she even writes a rap about the vice principle and his snaggle-tooth and performs it for everyone at recess. once she decides to spend a week pretending she suddenly forgot english, which prompted a parent-teacher meeting. as she gets older, things get worse. showing up late to class and telling her teacher to ‘fuck off’ when asked where she was. skipping class altogether to hang out with the kids that finally took notice of her. she was suspended for underage smoking in the school parking lot. if anything, her parents were stressed and angry. but they were also busy, so her punishments were minimal and poorly policed.

the crowd she finds herself involved with aren’t exactly stand-up citizens, but they give her the attention she craves. eleanor sneaks out most nights to meet up with them. it’s something new every night, but it almost always involves alcohol, cigarettes, and something illegal. whether that be drugs, breaking into someone’s house, graffiti, or spending time with boys who are too old to have her best interest at heart. she’s spiraling, flying head first down the wrong path, and no one seems to notice.

her favorite nights involve taking a bus down to lincoln heights to watch underground rappers perform and battle. thanks to her friends, her main interests lie in rap and hiphop, so she’s not foreign to this style, but seeing it live is something else. it awakens something in eleanor she wasn’t sure she’d ever feel: passion. it’s during a trip that a friend encourages her to enter an amateur competition. she does so with surprising confidence for someone so young and is eliminated the first round. laughed off the makeshift stage. her quick temper boils up and she’s furious and embarrassed at the same time, claiming it wasn’t her fault that she did so bad; that person she was against COULDN’T have been a beginner. despite her claims, she begins to practice, and practice hard. she enters as many competitions as she can, missing more and more school. but she’s getting better and that’s what counts, placing higher and higher.

eleanor’s grades begin to drop and that raises a red flag to her parents. rules are stricter, she can’t sneak out anymore. there will be no more absences from school and she’ll come straight home afterwards. she’s finally getting the attention she craves but it feels all wrong. something is missing and she knows exactly what that is.

it’s one of these friends that tells her about the audition. the boy and his sister are older than her, but two of the only korean friends she has. they were the ones to introduce her to kpop and khiphop to begin with. some of it is ridiculous, some of it flows better than american hiphop, but it all piques her curiosity. she has no idea what groups are under this label, kjh, or anything about it, other than it’s kpop. somewhere deep inside, this audition is her only chance at freedom. life at home with parents who don’t understand is a prison. she should be applying to college, focusing on that, but there’s no draw for eleanor. out in the industry, she’ll be able to do what she loves. maybe it’s not originally how she imagine herself, but it’s a step in the right direction, the only direction that makes sense to her right now. she signs up for the audition and prepares a song in english for them, and one in korean.

eleanor acts unsurprised when she gets offered a chance to audition again in seoul. the extensive time spent with family in korea makes it easy to get her parents to agree to let her go. and when she gets offered a spot in the company, she tells her parents it’s exactly what she needs to get on the ‘right path’. they have no problem with it, though she had hoped they would act a little sadder to see their oldest daughter move out of the country before she’s even eighteen.

trainee life isn’t at all what eleanor expected. she didn’t know it was going to be so… strict. she thought she had left this life behind in california. she also didn’t expect to have so much competition. the whining is short-lived (much to the gratitude of the other trainees). she knows what she needs to do to get to where she needs to be. so she trains day in and day out. she barely eats. she’s at the gym constantly. every tidbit of advice they give her she gobbles up, eager to improve. she’s ruthless and some of the other trainees are rubbed the wrong way. she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care about anyone other than herself and it shows. others aren’t the biggest fan of her personality, though in front of her superiors, she puts on a kinder face. her temper again gets the better of her and she yells at a younger girl for accidentally tripping her. while she knows deep down her reaction was uncalled for, her pride keeps her from giving a sincere apology until she spots the girl crying one day. she offers the girl a hidden candy bar and mumbles a nearly incomprehensible but sincere “sorry”.

korean classes weren’t anything eleanor had expected when she moved. she thought her korean was good. great, actually. but that was just her over-confidence doing her a disservice. there are things that only come with a native language that they need to pound into her. her dialect skews some words that they want her to be clearer on. she needs to know what idioms work and what don’t, and the ones that are special just to the korean language. she has to finish school still which is done locally, and it nearly feels overwhelming. there’s so much about history and tradition her family hadn’t taught her, and here she was trying to play catch up while also training. she’s constantly tired, making her even more snappy and short with the other trainees. they just think it’s her personality, but really she’s worried about whether she’ll be able to succeed or not. maybe she’s not cut out for this, maybe she can’t do it. maybe she should go back home and just be a teacher even though she’s not the biggest fan of kids. doubts aren’t foreign to eleanor and at times she has trouble pushing through them.

her training doesn’t lightening up as a year passes, and then six months, and then six more. she’s two years in when she nearly blows her voice. her practicing is consistent until she wakes up one morning unable to speak. her stomach drops and her heart breaks just a little. is this the end for her? a quick meeting at the doctors proves she’ll be okay, but she gets put on voice rest for a week. she only lasts five days before she’s back rapping, a little more cautious, but just as determined.

it’s another year before eleanor debuts, with a nickname not foreign to her. her dancing and rapping has improved, she’s proven to be a talented and passionate trainee, so ellie is debuting as the main rapper of the new girl group, jawbreaker. when she’s finally in private, she bursts out in tears. all her hard work was finally paying off. it was her first real glimpse at any kind of freedom. she loves the concept, loves her role. feels… okay about the other girls. she’s never been great at sharing the spotlight, but at least she feels important here. and over time she warms up to the other members.

she still has a ways to go. she’s met with endless criticism from fans and critics alike. she’s not good enough, she’s foreign, she’s just another ‘idol rapper’ and not even a great one at that. she’s boring, she’s rude. anything they can think of comes out and she feels the tears start, but she swallows them. this isn’t the time to wallow in self pity. all she can do is try to prove them wrong, even when she really wants to give up.

they’ve only been around for two years when kjh gives her a chance to prove herself. another member has a solo, something dahyun has always been bitter of. she’s the focal point in the group, shouldn’t she be the one debuting solo? it’s what she’s always wanted, something she craves with every part of her being. why does someone else get it? but then she’s given her shot. she’s surprised at how… competent the song they offer her is. it’s actually good, she actually gets to rap. it’s better than she hoped, and maybe now people will take her more seriously.

it’s not the most popular song, but at least it’s her. and now she strives not only to bring jawbreaker into the spotlight, but to be given more opportunities to be authentically herself.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.jawbreaker #id.son naeun

idolizerp

Jun 16, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ LEAD VOCAL CHOI DAEIN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Dane CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 18 COMPANY: KJH ETC: he is known for his eclectic acting roles.

IDOL IMAGE

daein is sure that they didn’t decide to put him into their startup group just because he was talented. whatever amount of talent he had was seen as a bonus. the valuable piece that daein holds is his appeal is, materialistically enough, his face and opportunity for widespread appeal based off of this and the easy way he’s able to endear himself to people. daein’s real value is his potential for a following.

so step one was to sell this image, a split between hardworking and 4d in a toned down, palatable sort of way. the kind of guy who was quick to talk, the kind of guy who was personable, who made you want to keep talking. who had no reservations chatting away to show hosts or describing nitro’s latest comeback. he had the sort of face that made people look, it was just daein’s job to make it stick after.

he was given a stage name, something that they decided fit with his concept more and might appeal to an international fanbase. was told which parts of his personality he was allowed to play up ( not being afraid of ghosts? great, let the members cling while you laugh during the haunted house daein, that’s great ), and those he wasn’t ( cut the sarcasm and macabre humor, we need to appeal to the thirteen year olds ). a dose of humor, a loud effect to his voice that’s often lost later when the camera clicks off. he wasn’t a boy next door, but he was a boy you found yourself staring at. interested in. styled in a peter pan, never grow up fashion with a mischievous bite underneath that pixie-dust appeal.

there’s more behind the lens. behind the glamour. but daein’s been in the industry long enough to know that you’re only supposed to share certain parts of yourself with the public. because for all the fans shout and clamor and say they’ll love you forever. love you no matter what. it’s a lie. all it takes is one new fact that rubs them the wrong way, and you’re passed over. petitioned out. at least when it came to him, kjh looked to see what parts they had cast him for and pulled them to the forefront. not everything about daein’s image is fake. but it’s overplayed, exaggerated. sometimes to the point where he gets sick of himself. overlaid with white lies that settle better with the fans. stains hidden. an illusion of perfection - but sometimes it’s a nice feeling. so who is daein within atlas? the slightly strange horror fanatic that the others might tease about his anime marathons in front of the camera about. and who is he without? something just a bit darker. more obsessive. less pretty and appealing.

IDOL HISTORY

하나 born in seoul to on the edge of upper to middle class parents, daein’s life should have been easy. it, perhaps, has been. but that all depends on who you ask. they weren’t fit with golden spoons, but his father was a well respected dentist, and daein was expected to follow those pre-trodden footsteps in some manner or another. if not in the field of orthodontics, then in some other highly regarded career. lawyer, maybe. something that would allow for him to continuously climb that ladder of success, provide opportunities for the next generation in the choi family. it is apparent now, looking back, that daein has failed all but miserably in their request. his story could perhaps be seen as predictable in some ways. but who longs for freedom more than a bird beating itself against what it thinks a cage? daein saw the world stretched before him from behind the glass window, kept knocking himself against it headfirst until he could break free. trod over the idea of pre-conceived destiny (dentistry? ha!). rip himself as far away from expectations as possible. for better or worse, daein has built this life for himself.

둘 the first dream that daein remembers having was summarily rejected. a secondary hobby for when he had time. it wasn’t connected to the idol life, and it wasn’t his bridge into the industry. it was hapkido. he had a talent for it, in the way that some kids do, where they’re the leader of their small after school hagwon class pack. he might not have had the makings for a real athletic star, but even if he had, daein thinks they wouldn’t have really cared. somewhere around this point, at twelve or thirteen, daein started to learn that he loved to harbor things that he shouldn’t. dreams, thoughts, interests. he reached toward the taboo simply because it was out of bounds. even now he’s not sure if he forced his way into some of the interests he likes, some of the eclectic music he prefers, or if it was all just a happy coincidence. he decided he liked horror movies. he decided ghosts were pretty neat. so were polaroid cameras, along with cutting up a good portion of those pictures to piece together strange mosaics. which led him to liking art. twisted up, inky designs of strange proportions. sometimes drawn on paper, and sometimes his own skin. frowny faces and lopsided eyes decorating kneecaps or the back of his hands. he liked skateboarding next, along with the sting of skinned knees. singing came a little later when he was pushing sixteen, seventeen. it’s really luck that daein managed to find a way to lean into one of his strange proclivities. if not for koala.t, where he’d have ended up is a grand mystery. maybe forced into becoming his father’s successor. maybe staring at the clock from behind the cash register at a convenience mart. but nobody cares about those maybes except daein at three in the morning.

셋 daein started studying abroad if only to slip out from underneath his parents thumb. they weren’t possessively controlling, but they were the type that decided that they knew best. they were the type to push him toward some kind of productivity. to cluck at what they decided were poor decisions or to ream him out for coming how too late. even if that last one might’ve been a completely normal parental reaction, while they weren’t shoved to an extreme end of the spectrum, his father was still a disciplinarian. he wanted daein to get his act together. to find a path and drill down hard into it. work himself for the sake of work and follow along in what society deemed as an acceptable career path in the natural progression of things. but daein didn’t want to follow that. there was just something in him that kicked back against it. so he lied, just a bit. decided to start telling them in the later years of high school that he was interested in politics. that maybe becoming a diplomat could be his far reaching ambition. so he took language classes, applied to schools, and when it came tie for his last year of high school he was temporarily relocated into japan on a language learning transfer opportunity he’d found. not that his time spent there lasted all too long. a total of one year. that was the amount of time spent away from home where his father would still talk to him.

넷 his time spent in japan really only served to give daein the makings of a conversationalist in another language and a slew of new interests that would last for an obsessive few months. he didn’t really become invested in politics. he decided he’d prefer not to be a diplomat after all ( and truthfully, he wasn’t very well suited for the job ). so when his study abroad term reached the end he didn’t reapply, he instead chose to come back home and continue his education in korea. back to a happy mother and a mildly frustrated father, because why couldn’t daein get his life together? to pick a path and march steadily toward it, just like he had? but then daein did just that. only it was the wrong path. he’s always found that rather funny. the constant demand to do, do, do, except! not that one. anything but that one. maybe that’s why he picked it. why he saw that flyer hanging up near a noraebang he frequented with his friends for a newly formedentertainment company and decided to go audition. just because it was the stark opposite of what they wanted from him. something he knew deep down in his gut. but he’s always been like that. they’ve always known he has been. going against the grain. so he auditioned., and he got in. accepted the offer and started marching down that path. a path that would take him away from his parents, or at least his father, in the end.

다섯 at the time, being in kjh didn’t mean much of anything. there were no current idols to look up to, the whole company in a strange place of developement, hanging on by connections and without enough money to promise a future. who could tell if their attempt at a pop group would succeed? so it was a little funny, a little interesting. if his friends questioned him, daein would point out that he ‘probably wouldn’t end up debuting.’ or if he did, maybe it would be some huge disaster. it wasn’t like they didn’t have a company building though, didn’t have a handful of other male trainees he was expected to train with. and train like it was a job, even if daein was still in the mindset of half seeing the company as a joke. his grades suffered. an ultimatum kicked in from his father, continued financial support if he separated from the company and what was viewed as a below their level ambition, or else he’d cut off the money. it’s clear that daein opted to stay at the company. his father made good on his word. the money stopped, daein technically took ( and is still on ) an academic hiatus, and managed to get himself part time work during his off hours for training. if atlas didn’t end up coming together, didn’t end up succeeding, then daein isn’t sure how his life would’ve turned out. other thoughts that only daein thinks about, but this time at four in the morning.

여섯 eventually, atlas debuted. he hadn’t trained for an exceptionally long time. but it was long enough where he made for a passable dancer, where they’d equipped him with enough singing technique that they could slap the label of vocalist onto him. truthfully, it was hard. a fact that daein is slow to admit to. he’s on the older end of things, and has always preferred talking to others about their own problems than his own. he likes the idea of advice. he likes trying to solve problems like puzzles, the right solution that will click into place. but not usually for himself. he wanted to be away from his parents and the life that they’d wanted out of him. and he was. identity has always been a confusing thing to daein, despite the fact that he was always throwing himself after one. sometimes he feels like it’s evaporating even further now, when it feels like parts of his identity are being stripped away. replaced by something else, something more enjoyable for atlas’ fans. this strange, ephemeral peter pan of a boy. forever lost in neverland, the option and memories of returning home fading and fading. maybe he’ll feel less divided about it if they ever disappear entirely. that division only grew deeper when problems with the company and the rap line arose. daein had been so busy building his identity around his job, his group, and suddenly it broke. but daein wasn’t a part of those weighty problems. there was a fissure, a split. a moment of unknowing. like when he’s walking down the stairs, forgets there’s one more step. that weighless moment of being propelled through nothingness. his gut in his throat and his puse a frantic patter. but then his foot would hit the ground. a clarity, a knowing. everything firm again. it’s what happened to atlas, he supposes.

their image changed, and daein didn’t necessarily mind that. but the way everything transpired was disorienting and messy. despite finding solid ground, despite it being beneficial for the boys in the end ( at least as far as popularity went ), there’s still a strangeness that lingers around them. was popularity worth that resentment? maybe. after all, they’re not a family. not like the fans think they are. they bump back together into an uncertain unit, they earn money and earn recognition for their tiny company - now growing bigger. everything feels too big and daein’s identity is still in a flux. daein’s need for validation in a dizzied spiral of rejection and pseudo-love from his fans. it’s hard to figure out. but for the moment, he continues forward.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.atlas #id.kim myungsoo

idolizerp

Jun 16, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON XLNC’S LEAD VOCAL, DRUMS CHA MINHO...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Damien CURRENT AGE: 21 DEBUT AGE: 18 as indie / 20 under KJH TRAINEE SINCE AGE: N/A COMPANY: KJH ETC: has a checkered past riddled with potential scandals

IDOL IMAGE

Damien is the member who would be the first one to turn on any of his other members or call them out on something in games if it would mean he would come out on top. And he always does it with such skill, the feigned innocent looks, always pulling the 'don’t be mean I’m a foreigner’ card at every given opportunity despite the fact he understands and speaks Korean perfectly. As it turns out, Damien is simply an incredibly good liar and rather prides himself on that fact and has decided to use it. But he never turns on members out of spite or hatred, he’s always laughing about it, mastering the variety skill of completely poking fun at everyone and keeping games interesting while keeping himself likeable. Damien, at heart, is just a troublemaker who just really likes winning.

Nothing at all is really known about his life before he came to Korea and appeared for the first time with XLNC. All that is really known is that he was raised by his father in Australia and his father still lives out there. Beyond that, Damien has never deemed it necessary to talk about his childhood or what it was like, always brushing off the questions with lazy shrugs of his shoulders and bright smiles - “ah, it was nothing interesting.” He has never talked much about the relationship he has with his family which had led to speculation about what sort of childhood he did actually have. But he simply never talks about it and never plans to, preferring fans only saw of him what he wanted them to instead of what they might assume from his background.

When it does come to his members, Damien understands the bond they have and he wouldn’t lose it for anything. He considers them his second family, willing throw down everything he had for each and every one of them. Though he might act like a cheeky and annoying younger brother on more than one occasion, it is his way of showing affection. He’s usually found resting his head on one of their shoulders and clinging onto their arms or even deciding to sit on them instead of a chair. Fans have even gone as far as calling him something akin to a puppy, headbands with dog ears are a common thing handed to him to wear at fan signs. It has also been noted that he is more than capable of picking out his members quite easily from behind. “I’m a drummer,” he would say with a grin, “I see the backs of these guys more than I ever see the front.”

But of course XLNC is about to be raw and real music and it is also a role he took too rather well. Nothing comes above the music and the moment he steps onto that stage and sits behind his drums and the mic, he is in the zone. There is no messing around, no stupid smiles when they are performing. The performance is all about the song, trying to deliver the best that they can and playing as though this might be the last time they ever get to perform. His on-stage persona is quite different to the personality he displays off stage, and it has sometimes gotten him backlash, people calling him 'fake’. But he has never let it bother him. When he and the rest of the band are playing time just seems to stop and he let’s all the emotion and passion he has for music flow out. And even off stage he speaks about his love of music and how finding it helped him in ways people could never understand. No one could ever question his passion for his craft and how much he loves what he does. And that is his own way of showing emotion. Maybe it’s just not what people expected.

Damien is an idol of many sides. That Australian drummer with the cute accent when speaking English. The calm and collected passionate and emotional drummer with sweet vocals at the back of the stage behind his drum kit doing what he does best. Or the dumb puppy clinging to his members and leaning against them at every given opportunity because he seems to think they are more comfortable than a couch.

IDOL HISTORY

TW: ALCOHOLISM, DRUGS, UNDERAGE DRINKING, UNDERAGE SMOKING, VANDALISM

Cha Minho came first.

New Years Eve 1997, five in the afternoon, a hospital in Incheon, Cha Minho was born. His parents were fully unprepared and had no idea how they were supposed to raise a child together, but the two of them were willing to try. And try they did, the first couple of years of his life he was a happy child. But stress is a killer and his mother certainly started to feel it. He was only two years old when his mother started to come home less and less, always smelling of alcohol and other substances, sometimes bringing home strange men when his father wasn’t around. The police were called multiple times, and then one night, his mother simply never come home at all and to this day he has no idea what happened to her. And he supposes that deep down he doesn’t really want to know the answer.

His father didn’t take it well, the bad memories he had in Incheon kept eating him up, so he decided to seek a new life with his son somewhere else, to start again. And that was why a couple of months before his third birthday, he and his father moved to Brisbane, Australia.

This is where Damien Cha began.

Though he was a happy child and very outgoing and smily child, he was also a very loud one, banging on pots and pans to create as much noise as he possibly could just for the sake of making noise. That was why his father decided to sign him up for drum lessons, hoping that banging on something a little more productive would help him stop creating so much destructive noise. And it did somewhat, he continued to bang around on things, but at least this time it was to a proper tune and not just creating noise for the attention. And he loved his lessons, his talent with drumsticks and finding rhythm was quite apparent, his teachers in his younger years praising his good ear and willingness to learn.

When he hit middle school the real problems started for him. Constant complaints about teachers for his bad attitude, the constant need to rebel, the kids he hung around with outside the school building, skipping his classes, vandalizing the building with old graffiti cans. Even his drum teacher had her worries when Damien stopped paying attention in his classes. His father was more than stressed, always shouting and yelling and grounding him, stopping his drum lessons for awhile to try and punish him, but it never really worked. Their house was just constantly filled with the sound of raised voices, Damien and his father screaming back and forth with each other every time they were in the same room. Which thankfully for the neighbours was not all too much as his father was always out working for long hours

He hit his early teens and the behavioural issues only got so much worse. He got into bloody fights at school, bullied his classmates, got arrested multiple times and got himself a juvenile record. And then he got his hands on alcohol, started hanging around with the older teens and school where they corrupted him further. Got him drinking, got him addicted to nicotine, gave him drugs and got him high, got him into serious trouble with the law. And the drugs and alcohol only made him angrier and angrier. Before all too long, Damien was going down the same dark road his mother once travelled back in Korea and his father couldn’t stand to see it.

The intervention came when Damien was fourteen and what only felt like weeks before he finally got into trouble he wouldn’t be able to get out of. His father started sending him to expensive therapy sessions. At first, the stubborn and angry teenager he was only wanted to rebel, refused to talk, tried to punch multiple of his therapists. But slowly he started to calm down, actually started talking about his feelings and what he was going through. The lack of a maternal figure seriously hurting him, his need to have a proper parent with his father always away working. He felt hurt and lost and betrayed, which caused him to become upset and lash out. It was what was causing all of his bad behaviour.

His therapist suggested music therapy for him, using the drums to try and be more open about his feelings, Damien retreating away to practice whenever he felt the need to rebel instead of going out and causing trouble. And with many many therapy sessions and actually sitting down and talking with his father and the promise that he would be around more for his son, and with a little help from some prescribed medication, Damien started to really mellow out and started to turn into the happy kid he used to be. Of course he still caused trouble, but it turned into more playful trouble than anything serious. Messing around with classmates like a typical teenager, laughing and playing jokes on each other and pulling stupid pranks and dares.

He got himself clean of everything, no more drinking or smoking and no more drugs. He broke ties with the older boys he had been hanging around with, apologized to his teachers and his classmates for his behaviour. Damien and his father even mended their broken relationship, acting more like a father and son than they ever had. Things were good again. The teenager had fallen in love with his drumming again, pouring most of his attention into practising more than anything. He found his true passion was music, spending hours and hours listening to his favourite tracks and drumming along on his own drum kit. He even joined a band with some of his classmates, the five of them sat in the same room for hours on end jamming away. It truly made him happy, made him feel a real bond of friendship and he started getting more comfortable with the idea of having people to rely on. But it was just for fun and when graduation rolled around, the five of them went their separate ways and the band was disassembled, but the boys remained friends, deciding one last trip together before they all went off the their respective colleges.

They settled on Seoul. And that was where Damien ended up getting scouted by an indie-label looking to sign him for their upcoming band project. A Korean band had been playing, but an argument had ensued and the drummer had stormed off, leaving the group without a drummer for the last few songs. Enter from stage left Damien with a grin and happily announcing that he was a drummer and he’d be happy to take over. And with no much of a choice but to stop early, the guys had agreed and he sat in for their last few songs. He never really expected anyone of mild importance would be paying attention. But no, he was wrong, apparently.

Of course when he phoned home and told his father that yeah, he wasn’t actually coming home his father panicked. There was an argument over the phone, but Damien was determined. And there was no much his father could really do from another country, his son was a legal adult and that was the end of that, he could do what he wanted. Eventually his father did give him his blessing and Damien ended up extending his visa and signing with the label.

But it was a struggle to suddenly get used to everything different. Speaking Korean on a daily basis again was weird to get used to despite it being his main language with his home life. Also the chance in scenery was the pain and he always found himself complaining about the cold weather simply because he was used to it being far hotter. And there were other things, foods he could no longer his hands hands on, formalities he wasn’t so used to, remembering to speak formally to strangers and all the different words. It was hard to settle properly, but he had new people to rely on and he was pretty damn determined not for it to become a issue. He was going to do this.

And do it he did, he was paired up with the other prospective band members and they became XLNC. The training was hard simply because he didn’t know any of them from before, but the more they hung out and the longer they practised the more Damien started feeling comfortable around them, he might even say that he was confident they could make this work. Sue they might only be under a small indie label, but it was better than nothing. Certainly better than back in Australia with no label and having to think about getting a proper job or going to college (lord forbid that).

But the road they travelled was not paved with gold like he had hoped. They found it hard to find their footing in the ever changing musical industry, their struggling company not helping matters. It was a long two years with very little in the way of recognition and, on more than one occasion did Damien consider calling it quits, either out of desperation or complete exhaustion. But it was his members which stopped him, they had signed up for this together and they were going to go down together – if it ever came to that. But he was thankful he had to others to rely on during their tough times, he grew incredibly close with his band members over the two years in that small company.

KJH suddenly buying them from their old company and basically pressuring the group to sign with them was something he never saw coming. But they were being handed a carrot and Damien was more than happy to take it with very little complaints or questions. Anything to get out of their struggles and finally let the whole world hear their music.

Of course, there were some issues. Suddenly going from one company to another was hardly an easy transaction to make and he could feel some tensions, but XLNC stuck together and that was all that really mattered to him. He knew that if one member quit, then he would end up going as well. They were a group and it was going to be all four of them or nothing at all, just the way he wanted it. This was his new future and he was almost willing to say it looked bright. Though he knows it’s not going to be easy and there is going to be a lot more work put into things, a lot of his time suddenly spent practising harder, but the they have finally got a good footing, a start, and he’s eager to see it grow

While there is still some apprehension, worries that his troubled past will come back to bite him and he’s also aware that he has never told KJH about his… problems, he’s hoping no one is ever going to find out. So long as he gets to sit behind his drum kit and make music and make their fans happy then he’s happy as well. This was the start of a new journey together and Damien was simply quite eager to see where it took them and what would be waiting for them at the end.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.xlnc #id.kang yuchan

idolizerp

Jun 16, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON JAWBREAKER’S MAIN VOCAL, LEAD RAP OH JUA...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Juniper CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member is a vocal/performance soloist

IDOL IMAGE

oh jua is first marketed to the public as the adorable, slightly androgynous toddler born to a famed producer/rapper and his wife, an equally famous actress. she lives in the spotlight from then on, whether she’s particularly interested in it or not. in the early years her image is made for her, constructed by her parents and an editing crew. insightful, odd, sensitive - she’s a cute kid to watch and her childlike fascination with her father’s production equipment is endearing. but the show ends and soon she fades away, present only in the occasional social media update.

later, she is juniper. a product of singular focus, shaped into something fierce and feminine at once. it’s an image that suits her. she is lucky - her quick wit and familiarity with the way of the celebrity world have afforded her the insight needed to navigate image making all on her own. she presents herself as clever, sweet, a bit snarky but never too much - just enough to be funny, every quip chased with bright laughter and a smile that accentuates still rounded cheeks. she does what she has to do to get airtime, to be noticed - flirts here and there, acts up on social media. nothing too terribly incriminating, but just enough to get comments. enough to get articles. is she doing okay, they ask. she’s so pretty but what’s going on in her head? she’s trying too hard, stranger and stranger lately. she’s abrasive one minute and demure the next, what’s up with her? she’s too much, her gaze hawklike, charm or charisma overflowing. so yeah, there are scandals, blemishes and rumors that tarnish her image, but at least she can feel, in some way, as if there is a truthful part of her out there in the world, something unfiltered. though, of course, such an idea is foolish to consider reality, with each minor buzz creating photo as vetted at the next, a curated image of free-spirited pseudo rebellion.

juniper is, in the end, marketed as genuine. that’s the schtick that sticks. when jawbreaker is announced, behind the scenes, juniper is worry incarnate. by the time jawbreaker is seeing some success, she is hope against hope. she builds a name for herself on the back of endless efforts, of attempting to demonstrate the kind of skills worthy of an all around talent. they market her as this creature of destiny, born into what she is becoming - born to be a star. the captivating visuals, the sultry voice, the surprisingly sweet and sour back and forth of her disposition. kjh wants the world to see her as authentic, as engaging. equal parts fierce and fun, as if it weren’t hard enough to project one image alone. they make her into a sympathetic figure, struggling with her passion for music but never being recognized for it. they put her onto shows that build sympathy for her. she’s genuine now, she’s sweet and she’s focused and she’s a little bit soft. she’s a bit of an underdog despite everything, despite the name cache. she gets bullied but she keeps her head up. she sasses and snarks on running man but they put her into a haunted house and she’s a mess of tears and childish, plaintive whimpers.

she’s exhausted and more than slightly frustrated, but with proper management comes greater expectations, she thinks, and puts her nose to the grindstone again. anything for opportunity. they push her producing and media play like she’s some kind of budding genius, like she’s inherited her father’s greatness, and as much as she wants it to be true she feels, intensely, as if this is in itself a ruse, just a marketing ploy, as if the authenticity of the songs she’s been hoarding on dusty hard drives is called into question just by the way kjh is pushing them into the world, like some kind of narrative being spun around her without her control.

at least when she was an instagram attention seeker she was controlling the narrative. but more and more, kjh is spinning her up in stories and she feels entangled, a fly caught in the spider’s web, spun up in silk. so here she is. juniper, attention seeker, artsy, slightly worrying, maybe crazy, genuine, genius - a girl of muddled perception and lackluster dance skills, a girl with more connections than talent or a girl born to shine, depending on who you ask. a weirdo or relatable, a problem child or a prodigy, she is a polarizing figure with a lot to prove.

IDOL HISTORY

CHAPTER ONE.

it begins, in a mild winter in atlanta georgia.

juniper oh is born to loving parents in a hospital, in a particularly normal situation. in fact, it is perhaps alarmingly average. the delivery lasts the average amount of time, the doctor is mostly average, though perfectly competent, and the whole experience goes largely according to plan. it’s really nothing special.

the first year of her life follows this pattern.

she is a cooing babe in buckhead, nestled in a truly affluent area of atlanta, making pilgrimages to duluth to the gigantic h-mart there, so that her grandmother and grandfather can buy the ingredients for the traditional foods they still cherish, despite having left their home country many decades ago, by now.

it’s a nice life, a busy home, eclectic and warm. her mother sings in the shower every morning and her father’s collection of star wars legos is incredible. she’s loved, doted on, cherished.

CHAPTER TWO.

when juniper is two years old, however, she’s uprooted. her parents move back to seoul, to the careers that have afforded them such luxury in life. her father is a hip hop artist, her mother an actress, and juniper? juniper, once an unassuming but adorable baby, is now a celebrity child. at two years old this means nothing to her, there’s no context for it. just people who twitter and giggle when they see her father, just cameras that appear in her house overnight. they hide themselves, these cameramen, inside little white play houses she’s not allowed inside.

people start to recognize her on the street. dote on her, tease her boyish haircut and her obsession with succulents, the way she looks just like her father. she meets people with more money than sense, idols and actors, hosts and mcs. they dote on her too, put her on their instagrams, tag her dad for the likes, for the clout. they come over to play with her while the men with cameras are there.

her childhood is monetized, publicized.

by three years old she hates it. she’s tired of strangers commenting on her appearance. she doesn’t like them touching her hair or pinching her cheeks. all these people who know her name, strangers that call out to her with a familiarity that does nothing but breed stress in her bones before she should know what such a thing feels like. to his credit, by the time she’s able to verbalize this, at four years old, her father pulls them all off the show immediately. but maybe the damage is already done, to the formative child psyche.

CHAPTER THREE.

juniper oh goes by oh jua now, the name with which she was registered on the korean family trees. she’s in an english intensive kindergarten and after school she’s trucked off to various lessons. ballet and art, chinese characters and math. her father is working on an album and she sits on his lap in the studio. he lets her play with the dials and toy with buttons, lets her croon into the microphones. he records songs with her, burns them to cds to put in the car, lets her hear her own voice and his together. he asks her six year old opinions on his next title tracks and laughs when she calls some of them too noisy.

years pass in this way, and as she grows people pay less attention to her, more distance between her and her childhood brush with fame. she still appears on instagram from time to time on her parents’ accounts, and her father talks about her on occasion. dedicates songs to her, talks about her in interviews. he’s open about the struggles he’s been through, and she’s nearing nine when she begins to understand the magnitude of it. of the witch hunts and scandals, of her father’s depression. it’s always been there in little ways but she grows older now, old enough to understand it in bits and pieces.

but only bits.

CHAPTER FOUR.

she’s ten years old when her dad decides to send her to america again, to live with her grandparents. the korean school system is gruelling even for a child. the pressure to keep up is intense, and at ten her peers are already in hagwons until well late into the night. her father sees in juniper much of his own anxieties and uncertainties and doesn’t want her broken down by a system born to grind you down.

all those years of immersive english schooling come in handy now, but it’s still hard. at ten years old picking up the language is quick but not as fast as it could be but learning the social ropes is even harder. she often finds herself feeling lost, up in the air, torn between worlds. the summers spent in seoul and the years spent in atlanta. one moment the child of somebodies, the next a nobody in her own right.

she loses herself in music and in art, in books and poetry, drowns in it until she begins to feel a little better. a little more grounded. it’s the normal way of the teenager and all that, to lose yourself in art to feel connected to something, to express the emotions that well up weighty and heavy in you in untamable waves.

CHAPTER FIVE.

when she’s fifteen she begs to return to seoul. at sixteen her father agrees. she auditions and enters sopa, seoul’s premier school of performing arts, as a vocal studies student. her father is proud of her but he’s hesitant, too. when she expresses a serious desire and a growing aptitude to pursue life as an idol, he’s skeptical to say the least.

all this almost killed me, junebug, he tells her, it’ll destroy you. you’re too soft for it all.

and maybe he’s right. but when kjh reaches out to her she takes the audition anyway. when they offer her a contract she begs him to sign it. promises him she’ll keep her head on straight, she’ll be careful. that she won’t lose herself in all of this. but she already has and they both know it. she was lost the day she was born, as if all of this has been coded into her dna. she’s had this desire in her since she first sat babbling in front of slides and knobs and dials and buttons on her father’s knee.

she passes the audition and signs the contract, her life etched down in blood, her soul traded away even if she doesn’t know it yet. she enters as a trainee and the buzz starts right away. it’s a subset of people uniquely groomed to know who her parents are, to have expectations of her, and right away she begins to fall short of them. her dancing is subpar, her rapping mediocre, her voice throaty and reverberating but not yet trained. she’s only been at this for a year and it shows. they cry nepotism and favoritism and she burns. seethes.

breaks her back to work twice as hard, a thousand times harder. she’s desperate and hungry for it, desires recognition in her own right, acknowledgement for herself and not as an extension of anyone else. father, mother, etcetera.

CHAPTER SIX

when debut comes, it comes with strings attached. narratives to be woven and opportunities presented. they end with a label of her as main vocal and lead rap and she struggles a bit with this. feels like the acknowledgement of her rapping talents - growing now, admittedly - to be premature. more media play than anything else, an easy extension of who she is in relation to her father. it pressures her to redouble her efforts on that front, to push herself further and further. they give her resources and groom her budding songwriting talents, encourage her to be honest. within the bounds of the image and appropriateness given to her, after all.

she kind of hates it. doesn’t love the way they only pick up the songs they can make into their girl power narratives. they don’t take the ones that ring truer, more raw. they like the ones that pop and flare and she gets it, there’s a narrative to push here, but if they want to market her as being this genuine creator shouldn’t they encourage her to genuinely create? put out the things she has honestly told, things she has breathed her heart into? but that isn’t what they want. and when she complains of this to her father, she finds now that there is a sadness in his eyes alongside the sympathy, as if he’d known this to be the inevitable conclusion all along. this in itself has her bottling up her frustrations, putting a lid on them. because she is proud of what she’s put out, she’s proud of the music she’s made and the way that they’ve been progressing, a steady upward trajectory, one of her title tracks taking their first win. so she pushes it all away, tamps it down to paint a smile over her features, an airy refrain of everything is fine, everything is fine.

CHAPTER SEVEN

with greater attention comes greater responsibility. they feed her into the machine and wait for her to spit out hits, allowing her to save up tracks for a promised solo debut. when it finally comes it’s more vocally focused than anything she’s done before and she thrives on that, is thrilled by that. and perhaps in direct contention to that, kjh follows up by putting her onto unpretty rap star, the famed (ish) survival rap show. and survive she does, for better or worse, and gains little out of it but a continued difficulty negotiating her own sense of identity. who is she? the shadow of her father? and extension of him? is she famous in her own right, as juniper oh, is she gaining any of this on her own merit? she wants so desperately to believe that her progress has been due to her own capabilities. she wants to believe that sopa took her on because she had promise, that kjh saw something more in her than the promise of media play and a unique vocal tone. she wants to believe that the “lead rap” tacked on her name has meaning, that she’s worthy of the success she had on the show.

she’s given the chance to work with huge names in the industry and she wants to believe that this is real, that she’s earned this, but the more she gains and the higher she climbs the more she doubts her foundation. the more fearful she is that brand deals roll in because of her mother, that attention is thrown her way because of her father.

but more and more those old insecurities arise. more often she finds herself doubting that any of this is real, more desperate than ever to prove herself and surer and surer still that she doesn’t deserve anything she’s earned.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.jawbreaker #id.kim jennie

idolizerp

Jun 16, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN RAP NO GUNWOO...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Gun CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member is the most heavily involved with production and lyrics.

IDOL IMAGE

no gunwoo – no, gun, is atlas’ stone, atlas’ rock in more ways than one.

he is: rough around the edges.

they tell him not to lose his daegu accent, not entirely. to let it slip on purpose more often than not. to not let people forget that he’s just a country boy at heart who had a dream, a passion for music and risked it all by coming to seoul to pursue it. they say not to censor himself too much, either, let a cuss word or two slip every now and then, let his face betray all his emotions sometimes, even negative ones when he’s annoyed or angry or confused or sad. if you’re feeling down, post some thoughts on the fan café, maybe go live. obviously, they say not to do it too much or at the wrong time, but just enough to give off the feeling that he’s genuine, unpolished, not some cookie cutter idol. he won’t be relatable by any means, but real. believably flawed like anyone else. just a daegu boy who happens to rap because he wants to.

he is: stubborn. or, in nicer terms, strong-willed. immovable.

he’s the poster boy for ‘if you just work hard and take risks you can do anything you want’. from the country to seoul, from no one to someone, from giving up his artistic integrity for the first few years of their career to risking his entire life to get it back and not backing down, not caring who he threw under the bus. in the end, gun seems to have gotten everything he’s wanted and they leverage that, too.

of course, atlas as a whole stands for hard work making the dream work, but gun’s inherent stubbornness is played up just that much more. like when they tell him to talk about how long he takes to produce tracks sometimes because he won’t let it go until it’s exactly how he imagined it. or to talk about how he couldn’t dance worth a damn and almost got kicked out of the tentative lineup, but, well, look at him now. he still can’t quite dance anywhere near as well as the rest of the group, but that’s fine, they say. that’s all part of it too, because now his ability to follow choreography as well as he can is the product of pure hard work with no natural talent to back it up.

he is: foundation.

when it comes to atlas’ music (post 2015), gun is a large part of the foundation it lies upon. he’s not the only one, of course, but he is often the one they turn to when questions about their music come up. about the concept. about the lyrics. about the meaning behind it all and the process with which they came up with it. they tell him to go all out, go ahead and answer with technical terms to show he has a deep understanding. this is what he threatened to leave for, after all, so he may as well make use of it. show the people that there was good reason kjh yielded, that he knows what he’s talking about. that atlas’ music is good because “of course, the members helped write the lyrics” or “of course, the members helped produce it” or “as expected of self-producing atlas~”

he is: well grounded.

with gun, what you see is what you get. he is confident sometimes veering on cocky, he is decisive often veering stubborn. he is real, genuine, flawed, human, just with a particularly strong passion for music. at least, that’s the vibe they want him to give off. a real, serious musician.

it’s a precarious image, to say the least, still manufactured in its supposed genuineness. an image he has trouble balancing because sometimes he’s not quite sure anymore where gun ends and gunwoo begins.

(if he begins anywhere at all anymore).

IDOL HISTORY

— intro: the most beautiful moment in life i pretend to know the world but my body is still not ready

no gunwoo is born in daegu in the middle of winter and spring and this sets the tone for his childhood.

he is the middle child, the awkward transition, the unwanted and accidental. the classic case of the second child of three. he’s born when his parents are hoping for a daughter after already having a son, and that foundation of disappointment never seems to disappear as he grows up. everything he does pales in comparison to his hyung of 2 years if his parents have anything to say about it, and this quickly takes a toll.

everything becomes a competition and he’s already two years behind. so he just tries that much harder, at least in the beginning. his grades are good, and at six he picks up the piano after minwoo picks it up too. none of it matters, though, because minwoo is first in his grade and can play their mom’s favorite classical music while gunwoo’s stuck in the middle once again and his little hands can only do so much on the piano keys.

even when gunwoo rises in class rank and bikes back home to their little farm on the edge of the province excitedly to tell them, minwoo’s already there with an award for some math competition and a sign-up form for another one waiting for their signature. even when he’s now eight and has practiced piano at his grandparent’s house for the past year almost every evening to play his mom’s favorite songs, minwoo’s already there telling them about a recital he’s been asked to play at.

he’s always two years too late and his parent’s don’t expect anything from him. gun is ten years old when he learns how to accept that.

he stops studying in the library after school and explores the city with friends instead. his street smart grows while his grades drop, and his parents just act like they’ve known it all along, that they’re just proving him right, that, as expected, he can’t amount to anything anyway.

soon enough, anger replaces his desparation for their approval.

he acts up in class and comes home late, he starts fights and comes home with cuts and scrapes and bloody bandaids, he finds hip-hop music that sounds like what he feels and the seed is planted, watered every day until it blooms later in his life.

the only thing that stays constant is his love for piano and his little sister. jiwoo, at least, has always been the light brightening up the shadow behind minwoo he stands in. the only one whose eyes sparkles when he plays her favorite songs for her, who congratulates him when he comes home with good news, who is happy, proud even, to be his family. he’s just three years older, but he likes to claim he’s raised her as much as his parents have, has protected her more than they have (if the guy that ended up with a damn near broken nose has anything to say about it).

and so jiwoo is the reason he still holds onto the name gunwoo to this day, but it’s also jiwoo who helps him become gun.

— interlude: wings this is the path you chose, don’t doubt yourself, this is only the first flight

when gunwoo is fourteen, the seed blossoms. his love for hip-hop evolves into something more than just an interest in the music, but in an interest for the process of creating it, too. performing it, writing lyrics, producing the beats.

he spends the time he used to spend studying and playing piano penning his own lyrics to already made songs. he picks up odd jobs from his neighbors and from the grandmas he’s gotten to know in the city to pocket as much under-the-table income he can come by and buys second-hand music equipment he can then call his own. he uses free online tutorials to teach himself how to use the software then just goes at it. he creates and creates and creates.

it’s all rough, of course, but it’s something. it’s his and his only. it’s something his brother’s never done before and it’s something he loves, something he’s done for his own personal interest only, something he wants to keep doing.

he’s seventeen when jiwoo shows him a way for him to keep doing it by way of a kjh audition flyer. he resents the idea of becoming an idol, but after one particularly bad argument with his dad gets all of his hard-earned music equipment thrown out the window and broken beyond repair, he bikes into the city, into an audition he’d been subconsciously been preparing for for years.

when they present him with an offer, he signs right away.

when he presents the same to his parents, they sign even quicker.

to get him out of their lives, he assumes. but not without one last comment about how he would probably fail this too, anyway.

he tries to forget their words when he moves up to seoul, tries to ignore it, but it stays with him for years

otherwise, the move to seoul is just as difficult. miles away from all his friends and jiwoo and the city streets he knows by heart, the river, the isolated farm, he feels more alone in the most populated city of the country.

so he throws himself into training. they all do, of course. but for the second half of his teenage life, it is almost all he knows. the company makes it clear that their next group will have a heavy focus on their dancing, and gunwoo is anything but a dancer. what takes others minutes takes him hours to learn. he gets frustrated easy, remembers those words he keeps trying to forget, and it’s the anger that boils every time he remembers them that motivates him to never stop. he practices in the tiny dorm until others tell him to shut up. he sits outside the doors, the windows of dance classes provided at other dance studios that he can’t afford and tries to mimic them on his own time. he stays up at night with his stomach grumbling and his eyes heavy producing song after song after song to show the company that he has something to bring to the group, despite his weakness.

it never gets easy, but it becomes routine and seoul is no longer scary. no longer lonely. he finds friends, he finds his passion in music like he’s never done before and with proper equipment and training at his disposal, he prospers.

he busks at hongdae, he performs at café open mic nights, he throws together a soundcloud account and gives himself the stagename gun. he posts tracks whenever he can and when he posts his first mini mixtape at nineteen, the response is more than he expects. it’s nothing much in the grand scheme of things, but it gets passed around a little, and when he requests to book performances, some organizers recognize his name, his music. it’s euphoric, getting on stage and hearing a few people sing along to his lyrics. his music. his work. it fuels him, drives him to release another mixtape the following year to the same amount of moderate success, drives him to train, train, train because if this is what it feels like to be on stage, to make everyone know your name, then so be it.

he’ll be an idol.

he’ll be gun. if gunwoo is fated for failure, at least gun doesn’t seem to be.

— outro: tear i’ve woken up from the sweet dream and i close my eyes

when atlas debuts, he gets to keep his stage name because it fits their image at the time and with his moderate success at least around the hongdae scene, they think it may bring in some fans.

they’re wrong.

when he sees their debut concept, he’s –

well, he’s upset. but he’s an idol, so what can he do but go along with it?

the seeds of doubt have already been planted, though, and they only grow the more they prep. the choreography is hard, the styling feels gimmicky, and the music video does too. it feels like everything he never wanted to do, it feels like tarnishing what he’s done so far as gun underground, and it just feels. miserable. he feels miserable.

useless, too, like his father always said. because nothing he suggests gets taken into account, waved off instead. because he’s just a prop, or at least that’s what he feels like and everything in him sinks.

they debut the day after he turns twenty-one to little fanfare but plenty of criticism, those who were fans of his mixtapes commenting he’s sold himself out, that they’re not looking forward any longer. he agrees.

but he’s an idol.

he performs on stage because that’s his job, but the euphoria isn’t there like it had been underground. replaced instead with some sinking feeling he doesn’t know how to define at twenty years old. doesn’t know how to get rid of except with anger, with alcohol.

his drinking starts with just a shot or two of soju upon returning to the dorms, snuck into his room and hidden from their managers. then shots turn into bottles, and dorms turn into convenience store fronts. then his anger bleeds into his work environment and some staff leave blind items about him on pann.

no one ever guesses his name, though, because who is atlas anyway?

two years into their career and the public still refuses to respond well to their releases. two years, and the company still refuses to listen to his, and the other atlas members’, ideas. and so two years is how long it takes for gun and the rest of atlas’ rap line to band together and threaten for what they’ve wanted the most, what gun has always dreamed of: having more creative control with the group direction.

it’s a huge risk, he and the other boy knows this. going behind the other half of the group’s backs, risking their contracts, their livelihoods, their chance in this industry because if they fail they know there’s no chance in hell anyone will take them in anymore. but it’s a risk they’re willing to take, and one that pays off massively, because to their surprise: they get what they want.

and the public loves it too.

suddenly, they’re thrust right into the spotlight.

suddenly, there’s more responsibility shoved onto his shoulders.

but gun loves it, thrives in it. the stage feels better, now, the feeling he’s missed from all those years ago returning in full force. the music feels good, too, the lyrics. because they’re now actually his in part, songs he can proudly put his name on, songs he will gladly ramble on and on about on vlives and interviews.

there’s a crack in the atlas infrastructure, but gun thinks it’s all been worth it. even if they are running a marathon now, and have been for four straight years. it’s not without consequences, of course. what used to just be small pann rumors and blind items of some nobody idol being an asshole to work with, or of some nobody idol supposedly dating around the stylists and flirting with fans, with other idols and every girl he ever collaborates with are now rumors of an idol everyone in the business knows and have become very real threats to the image he and atlas have built up.

now the pressure and stress keeps building and building, weighing heavier with not only the threat of those rumors blowing up, but now also with every new milestone reached, every comeback, ever growing expectation.

and so slowly but surely, the euphoria fades again, replaced with worry, with burden, with feelings of not being able to meet impossible expectations. with his parents words from all those years ago resurfacing and reminding him that he’s never good enough.

now, it’s only a matter of time before gun cracks, because even atlas shrugged while holding the weight of the world.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.atlas #id.min yoongi

idolizerp

Jun 16, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON XLNC’S MAIN RAP, LEAD VOCAL, BASS MIN HANEUL…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 20 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: N/A COMPANY: KJH ETC: this member is involved in lyric writing

IDOL IMAGE

Despite being an indie band, it was safe to say that KJH had XLNC firmly under their thumb. And that meant controlling how each member appeared to the public- if the original members of the band were restricted, then Haneul was more or less a puppet for the company. Of course, to play it safe, they give him the most boring storyline possible, so as not to upset the original fans. He starts off as the flower boy- the pretty one, the icon of a bubbly rookie but not the one meant to be saying very much, doing very much, more or less just there as a placeholder, a space filler. After that it’s the story of how he grows. A showcase of rare moments of genius, then hard hard work and a few emotional breakdowns here and there, and finally bam, real talent and the fans were the ones who helped him do it. In contrast to his more rough-around-the-edges (and dare we say it, raw and real) bandmates, Haneul is expected to be the perfect one, the good boy, a mary sue story with just enough heartbreak in it for the fans to buy into.

Of course, like any good story, it has just a tiny bit of truth in it. Haneul’s always been fairly friendly, mostly calm, and a good boy when he wants to be. His smile is too pretty to be considered fake and of course that plays into both his and the company’s advantage- despite being almost entirely written up on a piece of paper during a company meeting, his facade fits perfectly. Haneul can be the perfect statue: there’s no need to talk too much about a song he didn’t write, think up new details to stories that didn’t really happen, get frustrated over things he knows he can’t change only to expose even more vulnerabilities for the knets to latch onto like vultures. That’s everyone else’s job. It’s all too easy to play innocent and shy and docile, the rest of his personality just comes as a ‘pleasant surprise’ when he does show it.

That’s what makes the ploy real, of course. Haneul’s usually playful, plenty clingy, just enough mischievous and even the slightest bit of a playboy. Or what’s what the watered down version that KJH presents to the public. In truth he is all of those things and far more, a charming player with too much wit and too much ambition for his own good. Other times he is sharp minded, sharp tongued, a waking cactus ready to prick anybody who gets too close. But even he knows that it’s not in his favour to be this bold- perhaps if he was in a typical idol group, but not with XLNC. Instead, all the ambition and rebellion is written off as being passionate and free spirited, falling into the funnel of whatever they deemed as ‘emo’. On stage, he is expected to be cool and charming- or depressed, or angry, whatever the song calls for, he acts it out. And yet off stage Haneul has to play nice, like the stage was just for performance and well- both of them are, really.

The only thing that the company allows, that he allows himself, are brief moments of weakness. Briefly lapses in his golden personality, shows of the vulnerable teen inside who can still cry, still scream. And yet for the sake of a good show, these moments have become just as manufactured as the next. Sometimes Haneul can’t tell what he’s really feeling anymore, but as long as the fans gobble it up, that’s fine, right?

IDOL HISTORY

Haneul’s life was one of the things that KJH liked to dig out and show off over and over again, and yet it was not nearly as glorious as they made it out to be. Yes, he was born to a family of artists, but they had never been celebrities, they never lived in fancy houses, never were the musical geniuses people thought about. No they were rather plain, some third rate singer that had enough time on his hands to pursue a full time job on top of occasional gigs and a classical musician that, despite never being home, made just enough to keep up their modest apartment. Being born into his household meant that from young, he had no misguided dreams about what it was like to pursue the path of an entertainer. The starving artist trope was all too real and, as time went on, music just existed to be less and less of something that was enjoyed and more as a burdened tool that could not perform well enough to grant them the life they wanted to lead.

He was never encouraged to go down the same path his parents did- quite far from it, all Haneul’s parents wanted from him were good enough grades, a solid university, and some boring office job that could cost him (and them) comfortably through the rest of their lives. And for much of his childhood that’s what he had followed. A free spirit hammered down to a neat and tidy uniform, a lopsided smirk straightened to the perfect schoolboy’s smile, at least 16 teeth showing in every school photo. Perhaps that was when he got so good at acting, so good at pretending. If it made his parents happy and in turn benefited him, then it was okay to keep at it for a little while longer. And then when he grew up, he dreamed, he’d be the biggest superstar, far better than his parents would have ever dreamed of. And for a while he had almost thought this would come true.

But life had a way of toying with him, didn’t it? In elementary school, his mother died unexpectedly- just a run of the mill hit and run but of course, there was no saving her. Life crumbled away after that. It wasn’t at all like the tv dramas; his father never drank, never hit him, just squashed down Haneul even more and killed the young child from the inside out. Perhaps that was when he broke. Middle school found the teen packed away to some mildly prestigious boarding school half a city away. Middle school also found him… never where he was supposed to be. Yes, he went to most of his classes, yes, his average was at that rocky 90%, but what his parents never knew was that the rest of his time went to busking on the streets, in cafes or around Hongdae at night, wherever he could get his hands on and wouldn’t get kicked out of just because he was a lanky kid with a half broken mic and some soundcloud mix of beats.

There was just a couple of them, not-yet-grown children forming up some semblance of a rock band as soon as they each got to know the basic chords on the guitar. It wasn’t of course, what he had dreamed about. But those nights where he snuck out, occasionally stealing drags of a cigarette or a swig of beer after shows- it became his everything. It was as if Haneul had a double identity- one where he was the perfect student his father expected him to be, and one that was every bit a wild delinquent as the ones that people spat at. And he found that he liked the second one better. The act, it wasn’t him, but music /was/. And it was beautiful. He knew he couldn’t keep it forever, but for as long as it lasted, Haneul would cling on to the tiny bit that kept him alive. So when some KJH scout wanders up to him and passes that fateful business card- how could he say no?

That’s how Haneul left, left the boring life he had behind. It had taken a few angry phone calls, perhaps, a trip home where more than one curse was thrown around and furniture with it and Haneul couldn’t even quite remember how he did it but- he went back with signatures scrawled unwittingly across some paperwork. The then 16 year old was filled with no, not dreams, but ambition and plans to prove himself to the world and most importantly, as better than his parents. And like always it was too late when reality caught up. The company had been interested in his appearance, that was all. His vocals certainly weren’t up to par, nor his rap. Yes, Haneul could play the guitar and write a little, but so what? If they didn’t see a fit, then no amount of hardwork would ever amount to anything. It was almost two years of that, a constant rollercoaster between anticipation and then never ending disappointment. Then KJH decided to sign XLNC. At first, that had nothing to do with Haneul. But perhaps indie bands were never meant to be like idols, because the people certainly weren’t… and soon enough there was conveniently a spot for a bassist and KJH just so happened to have somebody who could play. Wonderful, wasn’t it?

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.xlnc #id.hwang hyunjin

idolizerp

Jun 9, 2019

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN VOCAL, LEAD DANCE KIM KIWON…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: KJH ETC: He is known for his interest in film and videography, often uploading content on the group social media

IDOL IMAGE

Kiwon is approachable. If there were a name for sexy-cutie when it came to boy group members, Kiwon would have that label plastered firmly across his forehead, from his squishy cheeks to his well defined abs. He’d like to point out to the fans that still call him mochi that years of dieting should have absolved him of that moniker, but these things tend to stick despite his best efforts. He’s a boy of contradiction, as softer features pair with a coarse Busan satoori and his gaze on stage can veer into sexual at the drop of a hat. Off stage he’s all laughter and eye smiles, because on a very real level Kiwon is a genuine person, does little to make a persona for himself that strays too far from the truth. Perceived authenticity is part of the Atlas brand, and Kiwon represents something pleasant and unthreatening, designed to attract fans with versatile but largely boy next door charms. There’s some reversal there, but not too much, not more than any other group with a stronger stage persona might suggest.

Kiwon is flirty. With the cameras, with the fans, he’s a charmer. He’s a master of skinship with his members, playing coy and forward as necessary for the moment, vacillating between the two to prompt fans to screaming hysteria and joy. Does he enjoy the commodification of perceived homosexuality? He’s sort of on the fence about it. He likes the attention, mostly, and someone has to do it. With the image of the group often hung up on being “more” than “just idols,” Kiwon unabashedly carries the idol brand with pride, or at least the perception of it. He dances, he sings, he does aegyo. He gives the canned answers they’re supposed to deliver and he panders to the cameras, keeps his head down, does cheesy commercials without blinking an eye. Being shameless is perhaps integral to his character. He’s nearly impossible to shame - embarrass, sure, but he’ll go along with just about anything in the end. He’s never been a leader, not really, and being a follower makes him an ideal idol pawn to pull in fans. They can dress him up in girls clothes or character outfits, school uniforms or headbands, and with a tasteful amount of embarrassment and self deprecating amusement he’ll soldier through filming, flirt and then pull back, playing the game that more traditional idol fans are so familiar with.

Amongst the rest of the group, noted for being rough around the edges, a bit less typical as idols, Kiwon is polished and shining and designed to appeal to a set of fans that the more “artist” types in the group could easily miss out on, especially back in the early days. He’s the fan appeal put forth with a shining falsetto and a clear vocal tone to bring something more typical but still necessary to the group. Does he sometimes feel his talents would be better utilized elsewhere? Ironically, not as much anymore, but it was a big complaint in the early days, when their hip hop image was ill fitting and hard to carry off. He’s come much more into his own after the rap line bargained for greater creative control, which is an irony he must recognize but does not appreciate, still holding some resentment for the whole thing in his heart.

IDOL HISTORY

BUSAN. JANUARY 1995.

the wind blows in off the sea and chills the little hospital room, window left open to air out the stale, stagnant hospital air. a baby boy is welcomed into the world but there isn’t much special about the whole ordeal. the whole thing is just average. he’s an average weight, neither early nor late, he’s healthy enough. he cries, as all babies do, and his mother dotes on him immediately, as all mother’s should. his father is not absent or drug addled and is instead smiling, gently, down at the little boy, his smile obscured by a beard that is not trendy in the slightest but seems to suit the man. there’s an older sister who giggles and laughs to see him, cooing sweetly at the baby, with ringlet curls that cascade around her shoulders. it’s a happy family and despite the winter chill in the air, it’s a warm picture.

BUSAN. MAY 1999.

childhood continues in much the same way. solidly middle class, they have the opportunities the two children need. they have love in their hearts for one another, and they mean well. there are spats and disagreements, and his father works too long and too late, and his mother deals with postpartum depression in a country that doesn’t look too closely at mental health, that doesn’t do a lot to notice, to suggest help, to encourage aid. and a little of the warmth drains. from his mother’s eyes, from his father’s heart. a little more gray seeps in.

kiwon would love to bring it back, for all of them. he’s four, nearing five, and precocious. he has to be, they keep him in plenty of kindergarten programs to ensure it, wanting only the best for their son. and maybe mom wants some time at home too, without he and his sister underfoot. kiwon is a perceptive child, sweet and insightful, with an emotional intelligence that far outpaces his motor skills, his language skills.

BUSAN. DECEMBER 2002.

this year, kiwon is introduced to dance. this year, kiwon begins to do taekwondo. after school hours are taken up increasingly by math, by english, by sports programs. he finds them all fun enough, dabbling in this and that accommodatingly enough. he’s eight years old and doesn’t have much of a choice, after all. he complains in class about being sleepy, about his mom only sleeping at home. she doesn’t cook or clean, he says to his teacher, she just sleeps all day long.

postpartum depression has turned, now, into regular depression, deep seated and lingering.

BUSAN. AUGUST 2008.

time has come and gone, months passing much in the same way they always have. his sister sowon remains a charming example of humanity, even at 15 and full in the throes of teenage foolishness. it’s funny. they find a common ground that detracts from constant bickering and whining. they find a passionate interest in idols, they find an affection for catchy music and bright, poppy tunes. sowon nudges him into dance lessons with her and he obliges. he hasn’t bothered with dance since he was seven, eight and it was an afterschool activity to keep him out of the house, soon traded out for taekwondo and soccer and gymnastics in cyclical rotation, as if his mother had forgotten what she had signed him up before the year before and picked at random. so they do it. they go to dance lessons. and eventually, kiwon transfers to an art school in busan. tests in for his dance, his potential.

SEOUL. APRIL 2010.

he’s fifteen when it happens. when he’s lucky enough to convince his parents it’s time to go to school in seoul. his sister outgrew the dream soon after it’s conception but kiwon dreams for this, lives for this, loves this. his mother doesn’t mind the idea. she doesn’t mind much of anything. her eyes are glazed over almost perpetually and kiwon can’t remember the last time that she left the house, but sometimes when he tells her stories, when he shows her videos of performances that she never attends, he thinks she might be smiling. might be a little happy. he wants to bring happiness to people. he’s spent his whole life trying to cheer up a family that can’t bring itself to be lighthearted anymore. his sister just wants to move out to university overseas, his father just wants to make it to retirement, and maybe his mother can’t even want anything anymore. so, kiwon wants enough for all of them.

SEOUL. JULY 2012.

his audition goes smoothly. he later realizes this is because the company has a dearth of trainees with what one would consider traditional idol talent. he should have known, that would be the way of things. perhaps because of that, it’s his personality that they find the most appealing. stage presence, charisma, charm - he has all of it. he can soften out the edges. that’s what he hears them saying, in his audition first. he doesn’t really know what that means until he meets the boys. clearly a conceptual direction had been enacted, because when he’s added to the lineup, he finds it’s full to the brim of talented rappers and dancers. there’s a lot of producing going on, songwriting, hours spent in studios working on music.

kiwon feels out of his element, wonders what he’s gotten himself into. wonders if he should have carried on with auditioning. he’d gotten a call back from msg, maybe he should have taken them up on it. but he’d taken a chance on a good gut feeling, and now he felt a little bit out of his depth. the boys are nice enough, and the smaller trainee pool feels like a family. there’s a warmth now that he’d lost in his life, something he hadn’t known had been missing until he started to dorm with the others. it feels right, it feels good. even when the heating breaks in the winter and the air conditioner breaks in the summer, he doesn’t mind. even when the concept pushes his vocals to the edge of their limit, even when they throw a rap verse at him to see if he could do it, early on (he pretty much can’t), even when they begin debut prep for a concept that skews so far into hip hop he’s not sure how he’s going to pull it off, he figures it can be okay.

SEOUL. NOVEMBER 2015.

the past few years have been hard. it’s been a lot. it’s been hip hop and pseudo swagger, oversized jerseys and a marathon of comments about the size of his cheeks or how awkward he looks, sometimes. comments about how the school uniform concept is played out, or about how they’re from a company no one has ever heard of except for that scandal one time. years are spent flying under the radar, frustrated, struggling. he grapples with a concept that doesn’t suit him, wears it like a poorly tailored stage outfit. pann posts accuse them of wearing fake designer goods because they can’t afford the real thing, and kiwon can’t even defend them, they’re probably right, and even if they weren’t, kiwon certainly can’t tell one way or another.

when they call the group in for a meeting, things are tense. he’s sure this is it. they’re disbanding. the company is too tired of being in the red. it’s over.

instead, it’s a new beginning. the rap line threatened to walk, they’re told. they’re getting more control, creatively. there’s going to be a brief period of rest before the next comebacks, because things are being restructured. they need to think about a new direction. all kiwon can think is, if they were going to be asking opinions, why didn’t anyone ask him? he’s one of the more “idol” members of the group, if they wanted to sell cds for once, they should have asked him. he’d have been the first to point out they should ditch the chains and quit cosplaying as a group they weren’t. should lean into the tracks that people liked, the mellow stuff, or the things like the satoori rap that no one else was going to be able to do.

but no one had asked him, had they? he was just a dancing monkey. a wind up toy. something pretty to set in the front of the group, to sing the (honestly pretty vocally mediocre) chorus bits and provide a helpful bridge to hand off to the rappers. to the real talent. it was clear that was what the company thought of them, anyway. he brooded over this unhelpfully thereafter.

WORLD WIDE. 2019.

the scale of the group has grown beyond what kiwon had ever thought possible. years of aggressive image management, diet control, perseverance have tailored him into someone even more appealing than might have initially been thought possible. it turned out with proper styling and the loss of baby fat, he made a better idol than he did an eighteen year old with mochi cheeks in oversized jerseys for teams he’d never heard of. their music slowly moves in a direction that embraces kpop, embraces their status as idols rather then eschewing it, and for that at least he can’t help but be grateful. there’s resentment, too, though. he’s learned that that illusion of family had only been a lie, a company construction. duress and hardship had brought them close together but in the end, they’d all made it clear to kiwon that it was every man for himself, and he’s not about to get left behind. he’s not about to pretend he’s worth less just because he doesn’t create in the same ways that they do. if kjh wants to play the favoritism game that’s fine, if they want to put a valuation on each member’s contribution, whatever. kiwon will make himself invaluable. kiwon will diversify. he won’t make the mistake of trust again, the mistake of blind loyalty, of reliance. for all their gabbing about what a family they are, about how tightnit the company is, kiwon knows the truth. in the end, it’s going to be kiwon on his own, just like it always has been.

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