#identity feels

[knight-castle]

“i knew i was changing when people began to gawk at me again… my body was blending gender characteristics, and i wasn’t the only one who noticed.  

i remembered what it was like to walk a gauntlet of strangers who stare–their eyes angry, confused, intrigued. woman or man: they are outraged…the punishment will follow.

the only recognition i can find in their eyes is that i am “other”. i am different. i will always be different. i will never be able to nestle my skin against the comfort of sameness…

once again i couldn’t see the road ahead. i was steering my own course through uncharted waters, relying on constellations that were not fixed. i wished there was someone, somewhere i could ask: what should i do?

but no such person existed in my world. i was the only expert on living my own life, the only person i could turn to for answers.”

- from stone butch blues, leslie feinberg

link to free pdf of book 

it’s been a bad week for street harassment. just let me exist ~

[xiexiecaptain]

A really good song, a great song does this incredible thing where it answers a question you didn’t know should have ever been asked.

Mike Rugnetta on Ziggy Stardust and David Bowie, PBS Idea Channel

[sugarsprinkles]

do I remind you of my kintypes at all

[queerlypsychoticfoxmulder]

One of my coworkers shortens "niki" to "nik" and OMG the feels I get. Tbh I prefer "nik" over "nikki" but am too chicken to ask people to call me that cuz it's a ~~boys name~~. Like I already deal with residents at work asking me why I have a boys name. Like ugh. Almost as bad as when they say "good girl" or some variation when I do something for them. Blargh.

[xiexiecaptain]

so happy so happy ;w;

So I've been realizing since fucking around with my gender expression the more I experiment that dressing more masculine makes me feel more comfortable and so I've been struggling since most of my wardrobe was more feminine clothing

And so today Brad took me out as an early birthday present and helped me get some new clothes.

I was nearly crying. Everything looks so legit and I feel so comfortable and nice in them and I feel so confident wearing them like I have to worry less about what I look like and I can just be me because the clothes are me. I can't wait to wear them to class and stuff next week.

I have the most supportive partner in the world. I was telling him the car how much I appreciate it and how I'm really blown away by how well he's taking this and he said "You're you no matter what gender you identify as or how you present it. You look hot regardless and I love you cause you're a beautiful person."

*weeps*

[xiexiecaptain]

Every time I hear someone use "them" for me its like my heart catches for a second and starts glowing.

All day in class and in public and to people I don't feel comfortable coming out to its just these waves, this barrage of "she" "her" "miss" "ma'am" and then suddenly its like the storm calmed and my feet are on solid ground again.

It's like when I realized I was nonbinary, everything fell in to place. All my discomfort with and hatred toward my body, my feeling like a splintered person, feeling like my movements and my words were trapped in a cage. It was like walking through life in an iron maiden. Who I was was pinned painfully down in this steel coffin..

Now I feel like the inside of me has become this vast open space and I can stretch myself out. I don't have to  be curled into a little ball anymore. Inside I am vast when I do not force myself where I think people want me to be.

And when I hear "she" now, when I hear "her", when I hear "miss"  "ma'am" "young lady" I hear the door clicking shut on that coffin where I used to lay myself down, skewer myself and think I should be happy. It sounds like dark, closed spaces. It sounds like pain and grief that I didn't have a name for before.

When I hear "they" it sounds like the opening of a door, it sounds like wind and trees and a wide open world where I can be Zoe in my fullest and truest. It sounds like freedom.

Pronouns are important is what I'm saying.

I could have been so much less wordy. I'll shut up now ha.

[la-negra-barbuda]

how do i navigate the safety of others when i can't even navigate safety for myself?