misunderstandings shaping my interactions is not a bad thing
I am passionate about things and I enjoy talking about things I am passionate about.
I'll argue for full individual freedom and agency on a night out, yelling so I can be heard over the music, and I'll be labelled a poly right there and there, with all the connotations whatever mind I am speaking to has harboured before that conversation.
If they ask me what I mean instead of assuming it, we have something to go on with.
If I find myself trying to defend my position not against a question of what individual freedom and agency are and to which extent one can claim either or both, but a question of poly ppl screwing up things in general, it's a no go.
I'll argue for my fluidity in gender and orientation, and I'll be labelled a confused cislesbian, with all the connotations whatever mind I am speaking to has harboured before that conversation.
I will entertain the thought bc confusion is a precondition for clarity.
If they ask me to elaborate and perhaps offer their own take on it so we can discuss on an equal footing, we have something to go on with.
But if I find myself trying to defend my position not against a question of how this is perfectly personal, how my fluidity works, and how I can be sure what I want at a given time, but a question of confused ppl hurting others with it, it's a no go.
Same with my asexuality.
Same with my admittedly warped and hodgepodge idea of personal faith and my tangible connection with the divine.
Same with my deliberate opting out of cishet men in the dating pool.
Same with my particular non-adherence to the unwritten rules of queer dating and all the expectations of physical touch that come with it.
Same with my claim to NB finery with a cleavage so deep it can drown you.
And I am fine with all this. This is what my god (me) made me.
I don't care how I am perceived anymore. I just care about being perceived as pure me.
The realisation that I am a complex human being and ppl may shy away from complexities is a damning one, but a liberating one all the same.
I've proven to myself time and time again that I am fine without a crowd and I feel me only when a real and honest mind free from assumptions and presumptions and foregone conclusions and I are curious about each other. When I am curious about ppl I find interesting and their takes worthy of a second look.
(Why aren't other people? That I can't understand.)
I've got big balls and I cannot lie.
Or How I Made Peace with All the Walls I've Put Up Around Me bc They're Loadbearing Walls
