#iii.4;

[fmdmoonjin]

Making a playlist for strangers – and the whole world of them, at that – proved a more difficult task than Moonjin had assumed at first, setting aside a thirty minute time slot to pick out songs and get it over with. (It takes him 200, in the end.)

Rather than simply listing music he can be found listening to most often, he focuses on what he wants people out there, his fans or not, to hear, and goes from there. He's telling a story – his and theirs and everyone's, to a certain extent, but exclusively on a surface level; nothing too personal, and most definitely nothing to spark rumors. It does reflect his music taste anyway, though; calm and soothing songs outweighing all others, as his preference of what isn't loud and flashy in his private life is already well-known as it is.

01. GLAM – In Front Of The Mirror It's an older song, one he first heard when his sister sent it to him (going through puberty, his now older self knows), but he believes it's one everyone can identify with to a certain extent, or at least in those moments of insecurity that he thinks no one is quite immune to. Personally, it reminds him of 2012, the time after his little world had come crashing down – not necessarily fond memories that resurface, but an important part of him nonetheless.

02. Origin – Hold Me Tight Frankly, the main reason he decides to add an Origin song is that he's sick and tired of the talk surrounding them, labeling them as eternal rivals, painting a picture of archenemies he sees as nothing but ridiculous and somewhat bothersome – hence this little attempt to show support and that he really doesn't harbor a grudge against them.

03. Lyra – Knees Prone to bouts of insomnia himself, the lyrics resonate with him especially on late nights – sleepless, restless. Lyra has accomplished a fine feat, he thinks, making it possible for everyone to find themselves in these gentle notes and get comforted by the simple fact that they aren't ever alone with their worries. Another, lesser reason for including it in his playlist is the fact that Gold Star has been pushing for the two to become friends (at least to the public) recently, and him showing his appreciation in this way is playing right into their hands.

04. Lee Haeri – Paper Star's Dream Personal though it may seem at first, Moonjin doesn't (can't) directly relate the song to himself – not that he particularly yearns to either. However, he's fond of the message it conveys, of the hopefulness in its buildup, and includes it in hopes of it touching at least one person's heart. It's part of the story he's telling – of falling down and rising up.

05. Duri – The Dreamer (I Am A Dreamer) A personal favorite, this song does resonate with him, but for the most part, it's an important addition to the journey he's taking with this playlist. Even for someone as pragmatic and rational as Moonjin, the importance of dreams and dreamers has always been plain to see, and he hopes to encourage everyone who may listen to these songs to follow theirs. Here, he thinks of late 2012 and the second home he found in Gold Star.

06. Gal.actic – Glow  Unsurprisingly the only Dimensions artist in his playlist, Moonjin chooses Gal.actic as the one group he doesn't hold any particular dislike for. While he considered a MARS song too, since he monitored their releases because his affection for Minseok was stronger than his negative feelings towards certain other members, he eventually decided against it. Gal.actic are equipped with undeniable talent, so he settles on a song he believes showcases that that fits the theme he's going for in general (and firmly ignores the twinge of regret Daeun's voice still brings).

07. Crucial Star feat. Babylon – You Can Rest In Moonjin's case, the lyrics are directed at both his family (his mother, mostly) and his friends, who he knows have invested more in him than he, perhaps, deserved, especially those he made during his trainee days at Gold Star. It's bigger than that, though, bigger than his personal shortcomings he's looking back on – it's a general issue, one all too many people have, the inequality of give and take in a relationship of any kind, and that's what he's really trying to address.

08. Taeyong – Contrail  Yet another song Moonjin felt the whole world could be able to relate to, if only they stopped to listen, really listen, and think – undisturbed by the many, many impressions the outside world bombards them with almost every second of their lives. They've all been young once, he as much as anyone, and they're all still in a process of growing and growing up – everyone, no matter their age. So he adds it and hopes to make someone listen and think. Just once.

09. DIARY (Doe solo) – Be Calm Musically his style with lyrics he finds himself relating to before he knows it, this is a song he's become attached to from the first time he listened to it and thus wanted to share. His motive isn't as deep as wanting to be understood and hoping to achieve that through songs, but he does view it as a means of communication, and he does want this list to represent him in one way or another, after all.

10. Krr – South  Another personal favorite, and another song that says a little too much about him if one pays enough attention, but Moonjin doubts that people will – not that they'd know how to interpret it, anyway. The song makes him think of all he's left behind, of friends he's lost for his own selfish reasons, specifically those he left behind at Dimensions, and shows, perhaps, what little hope he has left of starting over at some point. Not through this show, he believes – how would such a thing truly be possible on camera? –, but if any fans were to come to that conclusion (or conspiracy theory, really, for his strict cut with his former trainee friends wasn't public knowledge), he wouldn't mind either. It would make for good publicity, and though he hates lying and playing roles, Impulse are in need of some.

11. Element – Trust Me Though how proud he is of Mina and Benjy certainly played a role in the selection of this song, it's not it's sole reason of being on the list. Personally, it's a song that makes him think of Impulse above all, the family that's most present in his life, but for this one too, he believes everyone has that one group of people or person in particular they can relate it to, or at least a time in their lives that they could. It's soft, mellow, but not hopeless – a perfect fit.

12. Kassy – Listen To This Song There's little need to explain this song, he thinks, as the lyrics do a fine job of that on their own. On this playlist, it's dedicated to his fans, of course, but also anyone else who might be in need of a little comforting – and really, who isn't?

13. Song Jieun – It's Alright Whereas the previous song was directed more at fans and viewers of the show, this one he includes while thinking of all his fellow artists, for it's one thing he deems important to keep in mind as they all walk down the same rocky road as him – it's alright; you've worked hard.

14. Kim Jinho – People Yet another personal favorite, Moonjin originally thought this song would be a nice way to round off this little story of his, until he remembered the nature of the show and added a few more, but it does serve as a sort of summary anyway. That, and the subtle emphasis on the fact that they, as idols, aren't very different from any other person in any other profession out there – people just the same behind all the glitz and glamour.

15. Akdong Musician – Will Last Forever When he thought hard about what could make him interesting on the show, he came to the conclusion that it would most likely be interactions with people he once trained alongside and shared his dreams with but lost – everyone at Dimensions, most certainly, but maybe also Origin members. Really, this song works for all lost friendships and he thinks it should be easy to empathize with as any listener, but he also hopes it will make people curious about interactions they might see between him and other artists they know he must have known at some point.

16. Lipstick – Light Up The Sky While looking for a song to end his playlist on a positive note with, he came across this one and found it quite fitting in the way it easily ties into the previous one and possibly conveys a hopefulness he isn't really feeling but wishes to portray these following weeks anyway, if only to give people something to talk about, the production company something to show.

[fmdmoonjin]

Interviews. What used to be the bane of his existence as a public figure has turned into mere routine over the years, and this one isn't even live – it shouldn't be a problem, Moonjin thinks, but still doesn't like it as he takes his place admidst multiple cameras that will capture his expressions from multiple angles, so the producers can later use whatever looks most dramatic, one way or another. The squeaky white surface of the chair looks almost new, like no one had sat on it before him – an impression he knows to be an illusion; fittingly, as that is sure to be a recurring theme throughout Idolized's runtime. Illusions.

If his key value is honesty, what does it say about him that he's chosen an occupation that leaves no room for that? Moonjin refuses to ponder that question as he straightens his shoulders and plasters on a little smile, just enough to lighten up his usually too dark expression, then nods at the manager seated across from him – although no obstacles are blocking his view, he feels the line of cameras dividing them. In front of the camera, where artificial light smooths over his imperfections, he slips into a world of illusions with alarming readiness. (Is he becoming immune to the prick of lies like needles piercing his skin? Who knows – it's not his choice to make anymore.)

What is life as an idol like?  “Life as an idol,” he begins, then pauses shortly to run his tongue along his bottom lip. It isn't dry – he just needs a little time to think, as truthful thoughts drown out those he prepared beforehand, anticipating similar questions, “Is hard to explain in its entirety to people who haven't experienced it, which is, I think, where this show comes in.” A nod to underline his words conveys mild satisfaction – isn't that something the higher-ups would love to hear? Words of support he only partially stands behind, but he hasn't lied so far. “There are a lot of misconceptions about idols. It starts with this: that there seems to be a need for a general definition of 'idol life'. I'd like to place emphasis on the fact that we're all different, and thus our lives are too.” Too negative, Moonjin quickly reprimands himself – too critical. If there is one thing the public dislikes, it's usually being wrong and someone calling attention to that. “Of course some things are similar for all of us. There's the thrill of standing on stage, singing and dancing for people who wholeheartedly cheer us on – there's nothing even remotely comparable to the sound of a hundred people singing along to music you put together in the walls of a studio, unsure of whether or not anyone would even want to listen once it's done. There are strict rules for most of us, as you can find them at many workplaces – it's true that there isn't such a clear line between work and home in our job, but on the other hand, we have other liberties that certain professions may not offer. In the end, I think it's important to keep in mind that it's just that: a job. It doesn't define who I am as a person, but how I do my job just might.”

What are the hardships? Not usually much of a talker unless the situation calls for it, like when conflict arises in the dorm or anything of the sort, Moonjin finds himself exhausted of being the only one to speak after barely having answered one question, and adjusts his legs until they are in a 90 degree angle to the floor – an attempt to ground himself, perhaps, though it's mostly an excuse to move his muscles that are quickly getting stiff. “It's not always easy.” Typical – he avoids admitting that it's hard under any circumstances, in front of everyone, at all times. “Sometimes, things don't go as planned. Personally, I struggle most when I get sick or injured, which, luckily, isn't all that often – I don't want to miss schedules I was graciously invited to, and I don't ever want to let the members down. As a leader, I strive to be a support system they can fall back on whenever they need it, so when I can't do that, it's hard. It's the same for the fans too – as they're all precious to me, I'm always hoping I won't disappoint them with what I do, but sometimes, things are out of my hands. I wish they wouldn't blame themselves when we don't win first place on a music show, for example. It's not their fault for not voting enough, streaming enough, or anything – wouldn't I have to work harder instead, to put out better music next time?” A lot of things are left unmentioned: nights spent at practice rooms, dancing until his legs give out beneath him; in studios, jotting down notes until there are dents in his fingers and the shadows under his eyes are as dark as the ink on the pages. He doesn't mention the distance between him and all things not compatible with his lifestyle: former friends, his family, the vague possibility of romance, like he's forgotten those were once a part of him at all. He leaves out how odd it is to look in the mirror and not know oneself: who is he changing into, and is he still okay with it? Will he still be able to look at himself in five years, in ten? They don't know who he once was – they don't have to know.

What is rewarding?  His smile turns more genuine with that question, the thought alone enough to return a gleam of excitement to his eyes – his passion for the job prevails through all hardships they face, unbreakable, unchanged. “As I briefly touched upon earlier, the most rewarding moments are always interactions with fans. Of course I love making music, even if no one else listens to it in the end. There are a lot of songs I've written that I doubt I'll ever release, but I'm just as passionate about them as any others. It's rewarding in itself to have that final result – when a rough idea turns into a song.” Purposely looking at the camera for a brief moment, almost as if his gaze flickered over the person watching, even though no one is, yet (except for the camera crew), Moonjin pauses before elaborating. “It's always touching to meet our fans, whether it's at concerts or anywhere else – I couldn't have imagined what it feels like when they prepare events for you, if you had asked me years ago. They're usually at the end of a concert, but I end up feeling more revitalized than I could after weeks of vacation.” Only the partial truth, granted, but he is content with not having told a blatant lie so far – these are the little things he clings to, bases his integrity on. “Fan letters, too. Having our fans allow us a glance into their world and realizing that we might have impacted it in some way with what we do is still overwhelming, no matter how many I receive. A personal goal of mine, in the end, is to be someone our fans can rely on – I may not always be able to answer posts in the fancafe or anything of the sort, but I hope they know I make songs with them in mind. That I really see them when they cheer for us, and feel connected to them as people when they talk to us, whether that's through comments or in person.”

How would you feel if your future child wanted to be an idol?  Although it's not a question that surprises him, Moonjin hasn't given it much thought before, for the very simple reason that having children of his own still seems so far off, he deems it impractical to hypothesize about it. Maybe he'll never have any – then all the time spent thinking about that possible future would have been for naught. However, it's not up to him to decide this time around, so he blinks once, twice, his features impassive in their rigid politeness – untelling. “If my child ever told me they wanted to be an idol too, I think that first of all, as a father, I'd be proud to have done good enough of a job to have them wish to pursue the same career.” A light chuckle tumbles from his lips, too perfectly timed to be completely sincere, but it isn't all fake either. It's only that he has a hard time not being all too businesslike as soon as he's on his own, yet with a thousand eyes on him. “I'd want to sit them down and tell them, in detail, what being an idol entails – it's an important choice for their future, after all, so I'd want them to be a hundred percent sure about it. As a child, we often dream of paths to take that look cool in the moment, but as you grow older and think about it in greater depth, it doesn't fit your interests as much anymore. Therefore, I'd definitely want to make sure my child knows what being an idol is all about – that it's hard work too, unlike going to a karaoke room with friends once a week, if they only enjoy singing, for example. First, maybe we could reach a compromise – they could take vocal or dance lessons and start there, and if at any point they get sick of it, they can stop and do something else instead. But if they truly wish to pursue that dream in the end, knowing all about it and having gained those experiences, I'd support them wholeheartedly and proudly.” The smile that spreads across his cheeks at that is distant, his eyes slightly glazed over, as he ends up imagining the impractical anyway, despite his prior reluctance.

Do you think the words “artist” and “idol” mean the same thing? A sigh threatens to spill from his lips at that question, for he's witnessed it being discussed over and over again, and every single time anew, someone got riled up over it eventually. To Moonjin, it is but gum that has lost its taste he is told to keep chewing anyway – and chew he does, obediently, with a drawn out hum to mask his disinterest as pensiveness. “I think 'artist' and 'idol' mean very different things, honestly, but it really depends on one's definition of 'artist'. Being an idol could be seen as an art in itself, which would then make every idol an artist, but not every artist an idol.” A shrug entirely too nonchalant for so engaging a topic is habitual, yet the moment Moonjin notices his mistake, he tries to make up for it with a good-natured grin. “An idol, I think, is someone who performs on stage like we do – singing and dancing; the whole package of visual and auditory concepts, the results of weeks or months of practice. An artist, in the typical sense, is someone who writes their own music and doesn't rely on anything but their music, I suppose?” His tone of voice is questioning now, uncertain. Freedom, he wants to say – freedom's the difference between the two, but his manager's gaze is watchful and more than one pair of eyes is trained on him, so he swallows it back.

Are there sides to you your fans don’t see? “I think there are a lot of sides I didn't get the chance to show my fans yet, as I have to admit that I have a hard time focusing on anything but performing and giving them a good show when I'm on stage.” Another half-truth, at best – there are always a hundred thoughts whirling around his head at once; he simply chooses to push them aside and concentrate on what's truly important, one thing at a time, and usually, being professional is at the top of his list during public events. “Of course there are fansigns and we've been on shows before, but none quite like this, right?” Honestly, that's a mandatory comment for every show – praise it as novel, something no one had seen before, to lure in people who might not be die-hard fan enough to watch everything they're on. “Wouldn't this be the perfect chance to get to know the person 'Ahn Moonjin'? Without the spotlight and all.” Wouldn't it indeed? It's not a question he needs to answer – it won't, not really; of course it won't.

What do you hope viewers will see through the airing of this show? “Above all, I hope viewers won't see me as boring while watching this show.” Albeit he makes sure to chuckle after that sentence, it comes a second too late to hide the fact that there's genuine worry behind it – he is boring, so what is there to show? Ahn Moonjin, not moving as he sits in front of a computer in a studio for hours on end. Truly suspenseful entertainment right there. “I'd like it if they saw that I'm just human too – not just Impulse's leader, but also a fan of other artists, a friend, a family member. Those things. I believe I haven't done much of a good job of showing any of that so far.” And he never wanted to – still doesn't, quite frankly, but he doesn't know what else to name. Hope is beyond him at this point; it's going to be part of his work, this show, and one he has already accepted he won't enjoy very much, that's all there is to it. Even someone who values honesty as much as him knows he can't say that, though, so he simply nods it off and moves on.

What do you hope you’ll get out of the experience of the show? Are there any other groups or idols you hope to get the chance to meet more through the show? That one is different; mostly because he hasn't prepared himself for it and thus doesn't have an answer ready. Typical – Moonjin has always liked thinking things through before speaking, and though he's learned that that simply isn't possible at times, he takes the liberty to bide his time now, while he still can. Later, they can edit out this part and pretend it never happened. “Ideally, I'd like to think it will help me get closer to my fans by sharing my day to day life with them. Because I never remember to be as active as others on social media, I think this show is a great chance for that.” A lie, the first one he can't deny, and he feels it settling like a weight pushing down on his chest – regret is immediate and inevitable. Good. He hasn't gotten used to it yet. “There are quite a few other idols I'd be happy to meet through this show. Some of you may not know, but MARS' Rise and I are actually quite close, so wouldn't it be nice if our two groups got together at some point?” It wouldn't, not really, not with all the unknown variables a lot of the other members are, but the mention of Minseok causes Moonjin's expression to brighten yet again despite himself. “Of course I'd be honored to work with much respected seniors like Decipher, especially as I'm on good terms with both Duri and Haejun.” Whereas their friendships had initially been a farce, both of them, he supposes 'on good terms' is still fairly accurate (and vague enough). “As for groups I haven't had the chance to interact with much so far,” he begins, then trails off as his brow furrows – which group would be okay to name? No girls, no groups with a bad reputation, and none Impulse is already tied to one way or another – that doesn't leave very many options. “Dimensions Entertainment's newest addition, Jin's debut really caught my attention, so I'd be happy if I got a chance to meet him in person through the show.”

How do you feel about the upcoming Hallyu Triple Fantasy Concert in Jeju City? “I'm excited about the upcoming Hallyu Triple Fantasy Concert in Jeju City, of course.” That one, he doesn't have to think about very hard, and neither is there a need to lie. The realist in him knows that he'll be half dead after that, as he's already been working himself to the bone lately and giving him further reason to surely wasn't going to do him any good, but his survival instincts have always lost to his passion, and would continue to do so for years to come, he's sure. “It's such a big event, and I'm always humbled to get the chance to perform at such a venue alongside these amazing artists. We're diligently preparing, so please look forward to that as much as we do!” For the enthusiasm, he does have to make an effort, for that has never come naturally to him – he simply isn't very expressive; not unless one knows to pay attention to the subtleties, but most cameras fail to even catch those.

Do you have any worries about being followed by cameras for the show? “I'm not particularly worried about being followed by cameras throughout the filming period,” Moonjin says with characteristic quiet firmness, meant to leave no room for doubt where plenty of it is due. “I don't have anything to hide, so what's there to be worried about?” His eyes crease with another broader smile, though by now he himself is no longer sure if he means it. “As I mentioned earlier, I'm more worried about not having anything to show, rather than something I don't want to show.” The sad part is that that much is true – he has his secrets, but none that would be hard to keep, even with cameras following in his shadows.

The end of the interview leaves him with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach – when an illusion is lifted, it's sobering, but not always in a good way. The lines between the person he is and the role he's playing are blurring gradually, and he doubts the show is going to help with that. With a deep breath, he reminds himself of how great of an opportunity it is for Impulse to gain a little more support, solely by being themselves – hard-working and authentic –, then finally gets up and bows to all members of the staff. “You've worked hard.”