Ya'll...
I just actually can’t right now. PTSD is a bitch and all I want to do is hide in bed and do whatever necessary to make my mind stop searching for answers, but instead I have to read Christian Historical writings by Luther where he is talking about God using the evil within Pharaoh to harden Pharaoh’s heart, thereby not breaching his free will.
Honestly, such a reading is only making me more pissed. If Luther is right, then what is God sadistically using the evil in me for? Why did he use the evil of others by allowing me to be at the receiving end?
It always comes back to either God fucked me up, or God let someone fuck me up. Either way, I am unprotected and unsafe, just like always.
Sigh.
Sidebar, the date wasn’t a date today. Of course it wasn’t. How could I be so stupid as to think ANY good guy would want to hitch himself to my clusterfuck of a life.
In short, encouragements are appreciated at this shitty stage in the game.