#ilu amara

[mosoli]

mazeltoph replied to your post: I FOUND A CANADIAN PENNY

i thought this said canadian enemy woops

i found amara long ago

[allurist]

this post is for both of my best friends okay

you deserve a break. you deserve to take a moment for yourself and relax instead of worrying about your future. you deserve to be surrounded with people who make you feel good about yourself and don't bring you down. you deserve a vacation from all the stress. you deserve to treat yo self. you deserve it all. you guys are strong beautiful women and i love you guys okay (✿ ♥‿♥)

[singinrevelry]

Rebecca your layout doesn't allow one to click on an individual post if there aren't already notes on it / which is why i am here saying that i hope your writing goes alright and that your head stops hurting soon if it hasn't already. *forehead smooches*<3

awww <3

It has, I took drugs! XD

Also I know it's a problem with it, but otherwise I like it.  If I get desperate I click on whatever was before it because you can go to next and previous posts. Or whatever. It is a bit annoying though.

And thanks, it'll be okay. I just need to wrench something out of it and make it work. *curls up*

[singinrevelry]

first off, i'll say that dang you are really cute. i actually 

the words you have were helpful to me, and i do wish that i could have some myself. but i think i understand, at least somewhat, what you're explaining. these things really can be tricky, and i can definitely get behind wanting to parse it out for yourself and really understand something before identifying completely with it - that's a very reasonable way to take things.

this

Just someone who can crawl into my mind, who can touch on all the pieces of it even if they don’t go digging around. Someone who can pull me back and keeps me tethered on those nights where I feel like everything is circling around.

really struck a chord with me. i feel very much the same way, and, for me, that is really what i want most out of any relationship that i have - one who isn't afraid, isn't put off, isn't bothered by me. and it's like you said in that original post, they try to be for you what you are for others.

well. i will keep this short because i don't want to mess things up. but thanks for responding so much, i really do enjoy learning those sorts of things about people, and seeing folks puzzle things out for themselves.

also, <3 :D

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Aww <3 (also no I am not you hush) Well, I'm glad that they helped you. It's easier for me when I have someone I'm trying to get the words to.

Also that thing you pointed out--I should add , I suppose, that I want someone  where we can just reach out and know the other is there in understanding on a very deep level. It doesn't need to be constant, but you know those days (well, nights, tends to happen when it's dark). For me I don't feel corporeal anymore, I want someone there for that. Most of the time I don't mind not having found someone like that, or even someone to try that. But when those nights do come around it's very empty. Everyone else is going on with their lives and all very far away.

So.

Also I like talking and hearing about these things too, I just shy away from doing it about myself because while I know myself fairly well I'm not as good at capturing that amorphous thing that is my consciousness. At least I feel like I'm not. Because it just is.

Also if there's stuff that is all weird and jumbly you should ask me about those parts specifically so maybe I can find a better way of putting them.

[singinrevelry]

In which Rebecca blithers on about things no one needs to hear about, and which I generally don't talk about in regards to myself because I don't really know how, which is painfully obvious. XD Also I wrote the first part at two in the morning. Don't mind me.

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I did not know myself until recently! well, more like. i guess i knew, but didn't have a word for it. because it's true that i have just always not primarily been attracted to folks. i think everyone's cute, [which, if by now is not obvious, then there is no hope for this world], but i've never really been actually attracted to anyone that i don't have some sort of deeply personal connection to [interestingly, those connections don't always take a long time for me to establish, which is why it was especially difficult for me to realize this about my sexuality, i had no idea :3].

so yeah, i am officially identifying as panromantic demisexual. pretty sweet. terms are cool. haha. also, hi!

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That's the trick of it, the

interestingly, those connections don't always take a long time for me to establish

bit. Because, here's the thing. I find people attractive, certainly. They tend to be very certain kinds of people, physically and mostly mentally. I'm not sure I could define it exactly but I know my type.

I'm very specific in the people I become attached to, and the kinds of people I become attached to. (Some of that may just be a bit of a defense, because there's no way I could care about more than those people. It is, to kind of cop out of an explanation, an INFP thing, and if I were to focus on any more light than those people my heart would either explode or burn out and drown so quickly I would be a complete nutcase.) And of those people I'm (as far as I know) only attracted to some of them further. Most of them I just want to know them and get to experience them, if that makes sense. Like, my dear friend that I had a crush on or something for, well, a long time, the one I wrote a letter to right before college started because I couldn't say it to his face but I wanted to move on and figured getting it out would do that (not true, by the way), and it took me that first year of college to figure it out, I somehow managed to not like like that. The initial was a rather silly and complicated mess but we're good now. We're brilliant. And  for some reason his boyfriend seems to think I'm awesome which I don't understand at all, or rather I do but I can't deal with that much flattery to accept it. I learned a lot from that, and now I know we're just these fantastic friends who won't see each other as often as we like because he's busy as hell and I don't mind that he has a huge circle of friends, but we think the same way and I love everything about him and I understand him and he understands me. So while I care about him deeply I don't see him like that. That's what bothered me most, actually, that of all the people I tried and thought would fit that thing I went and picked the one who wasn't.

But it's true of most of the people I care about at all--since, if I can presume this about myself, I can see and grab hold of who someone is very easily even if I can't explain them, or maybe it's that those kinds of people stand out to me (which they do, like beacons)--I tend to latch on to very quickly.

Back to the problem. I feel I need more... information. More data. I need to actually have a relationship of that sort before I can theorize any more about my sexuality, and whether I can say demisexual or 'straight and really picky' or something else. I'm wary of it, I think mainly because I know people (other than you), people whom I respect a great deal, that are, and I cannot put myself in those categories unless I'm absolutely certain I am. I know the point of some of it is that what matters is you feel it fits you, but I don't know if it does. The words haven't taken shape yet, and because I'm a perfectionist sometimes I have to have the right one.

And then some of it is that it's kind of a question of 'who I would let do things to me' as opposed to who I ... want... to do things with? Something like that. Like... I dunno... That part of my brain is there, but it's tied up with lots of other things and I almost never tap into it directly. It's... the direct part is too close to the little flashes of an alter-ego that, quite frankly, scares me a bit. But the little threads worked into the other things, those are nice and fine, generally. Most of the time I just want to curl up with someone. And kissing. I'd like to know what that's like sometime that would be nice lol

There, number 5. Just someone who can crawl into my mind, who can touch on all the pieces of it even if they don't go digging around. Someone who can pull me back and keeps me tethered on those nights where I feel like everything is circling around. I need to work on describing that.

Actually, I've gone and convinced myself a bit more strongly than before.

Like, you tell me Amara, because you know me in person. But it's like I'm just... there. Me. Hello. And I like that. It's me, after all.

ALSO <3