In which Rebecca blithers on about things no one needs to hear about, and which I generally don't talk about in regards to myself because I don't really know how, which is painfully obvious. XD Also I wrote the first part at two in the morning. Don't mind me.
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I did not know myself until recently! well, more like. i guess i knew, but didn't have a word for it. because it's true that i have just always not primarily been attracted to folks. i think everyone's cute, [which, if by now is not obvious, then there is no hope for this world], but i've never really been actually attracted to anyone that i don't have some sort of deeply personal connection to [interestingly, those connections don't always take a long time for me to establish, which is why it was especially difficult for me to realize this about my sexuality, i had no idea :3].
so yeah, i am officially identifying as panromantic demisexual. pretty sweet. terms are cool. haha. also, hi!
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That's the trick of it, the
interestingly, those connections don't always take a long time for me to establish
bit. Because, here's the thing. I find people attractive, certainly. They tend to be very certain kinds of people, physically and mostly mentally. I'm not sure I could define it exactly but I know my type.
I'm very specific in the people I become attached to, and the kinds of people I become attached to. (Some of that may just be a bit of a defense, because there's no way I could care about more than those people. It is, to kind of cop out of an explanation, an INFP thing, and if I were to focus on any more light than those people my heart would either explode or burn out and drown so quickly I would be a complete nutcase.) And of those people I'm (as far as I know) only attracted to some of them further. Most of them I just want to know them and get to experience them, if that makes sense. Like, my dear friend that I had a crush on or something for, well, a long time, the one I wrote a letter to right before college started because I couldn't say it to his face but I wanted to move on and figured getting it out would do that (not true, by the way), and it took me that first year of college to figure it out, I somehow managed to not like like that. The initial was a rather silly and complicated mess but we're good now. We're brilliant. And for some reason his boyfriend seems to think I'm awesome which I don't understand at all, or rather I do but I can't deal with that much flattery to accept it. I learned a lot from that, and now I know we're just these fantastic friends who won't see each other as often as we like because he's busy as hell and I don't mind that he has a huge circle of friends, but we think the same way and I love everything about him and I understand him and he understands me. So while I care about him deeply I don't see him like that. That's what bothered me most, actually, that of all the people I tried and thought would fit that thing I went and picked the one who wasn't.
But it's true of most of the people I care about at all--since, if I can presume this about myself, I can see and grab hold of who someone is very easily even if I can't explain them, or maybe it's that those kinds of people stand out to me (which they do, like beacons)--I tend to latch on to very quickly.
Back to the problem. I feel I need more... information. More data. I need to actually have a relationship of that sort before I can theorize any more about my sexuality, and whether I can say demisexual or 'straight and really picky' or something else. I'm wary of it, I think mainly because I know people (other than you), people whom I respect a great deal, that are, and I cannot put myself in those categories unless I'm absolutely certain I am. I know the point of some of it is that what matters is you feel it fits you, but I don't know if it does. The words haven't taken shape yet, and because I'm a perfectionist sometimes I have to have the right one.
And then some of it is that it's kind of a question of 'who I would let do things to me' as opposed to who I ... want... to do things with? Something like that. Like... I dunno... That part of my brain is there, but it's tied up with lots of other things and I almost never tap into it directly. It's... the direct part is too close to the little flashes of an alter-ego that, quite frankly, scares me a bit. But the little threads worked into the other things, those are nice and fine, generally. Most of the time I just want to curl up with someone. And kissing. I'd like to know what that's like sometime that would be nice lol
There, number 5. Just someone who can crawl into my mind, who can touch on all the pieces of it even if they don't go digging around. Someone who can pull me back and keeps me tethered on those nights where I feel like everything is circling around. I need to work on describing that.
Actually, I've gone and convinced myself a bit more strongly than before.
Like, you tell me Amara, because you know me in person. But it's like I'm just... there. Me. Hello. And I like that. It's me, after all.
