@imarwood I actually know exactly why I’m having this reaction to the German language, its basically bc I’m German (or rather I’m German-descended, if that makes sense), but it’s through my father’s side that I’m descended from this nationality and I kinda personally make a big deal over it (mostly forming in identifying in a positive way with people from Germany - e.g. one time a science teacher of mine was explaining Johann Kepler and mentioned he was German and internally I was just like “!!! one of My People!”)
but the fact that it’s through my dad’s side got suddenly extremely upsetting because I absolutely despise that guy (for so many things and to the point that my family are actually 100% supportive of my desire to change my full name bc they understand why I wouldn’t want to share a ((German, incidentally)) surname with him or go by a name that he gave me).
And I remembered that I’m not even genetically related to the man so I don’t HAVE to identify with his nationality if I don’t want to, but some factors, such as having identified with Germany for a really long time, having biological family whose lineage I could probably seek out but also I don’t know what I’ll find out and what its ramifications will be (as in, whether it’ll tie me to another nationality or whether I’m biologically a mix of so many nationalities that there really isn’t any way to justify identifying with one over the other), and not knowing what else is an inalienable quality with which I can permanently identify with minimal ramifications (therefore meaning 1. not something that disadvantages me socially (like none of the reasons I experience, say, ableism, transphobia, etc. stuff like that), 2. not something that changes (I used to very strongly identify myself with bass-playing - bass as in the musical instrument - bc for a very long time I Was In Fact A Bassist, I Performed With People, etc. but I can’t legitimately identify myself as such anymore bc it’s been a long time since I’ve played bass and that’s a performative identity anyway even if I still could play bass, I don’t, thereby meaning I have no legitimate claim to the title “bassist” or anything. That was a weirdly specific example but you get it) (oh also a third reason. everything that doesn’t fall under the other two categories is somethin I find it weird to make a Legit Part Of My Identity for whatever reason. I don’t identify with, say, the fact that I have brown hair because that’s such an utterly minor detail that I would see it as weird to identify with that, even larger things like religion aren’t things I identify with because my brain just sees it as Weird to make that something I identify with - with religion specifically it’s bc I’m like “I don’t understand why holding a certain belief about something is grounds for an identity, like clearly I do understand the culture that has built around my religion and why OTHER people identify themslves by religions/my religion in specific, but to me it’s just how I understand the world to be and sure it’s big but Believing That Certain Things About Existence Are A Certain Thing doesn’t register as Something With Which I Can Identify Myself)
anyway it’s basically. it boils down to my shaky sense of self-identity coming at odds with me hating the person who basically ruined my entire life and that causes some Conflicting Panicked Feels.
