Dread
Man im back in the rut of just a desperate craving to idk flirt/ have romantic hope. Its gotten so bad i “signed up” on a sugar daddy site as a joke and even though my profile is actually just meme garbage the fact that some women are actually sending messages to that account and even though its just for the money feels good, which is pathetic and I know it is.
The worst part is id LOVE to reach out to A but she isnt in a good head space to deal with me and with the way I am now I think id end up manipulating her. Im just so sad? Idk what im feeling it feels like nothing until 8pm and then all of a sudden I get ran over by this train of just desperately wanting someone to care about me. I feel like I shouldnt have to submit a resume and go through so many hoops just to feel like someone can care about me.
Did I mess up my only opportunities at not dying alone. It has been so long sense ive felt that gnawing feeling that I just going to have to accept being alone forever. I just want to make a friend that becomes more then that but the window for something like that to happen has already passed, I dont get to know people as a person before I have get to decide if I see them as a partner.
I really think im doomed, on the bright side this is the first time in 8 months ive come close to crying who knows maybe ill be able to cry again eventually.
I just want to be happy. But I dont think thats the hand I was dealt.