#improve 2018

[illidanstr]

europe trip #2 has been more about going from person to person than from person to place.  I have a lot of raw information I’ve never had time and space to examine, and I’m hoping I can fully extract what’s there, even at this late date.  

- different people are different.  this sounds stupid obvious, but observing totally opposite behaviors and expectations of others when in close contact with them in quick succession especially when they are exact opposites! is helping me to really internalize differences between someone else and me, or conflicts, do not necessarily mean something is wrong with me.  (I might have opinions on what’s preferable, but just because one particular person is annoyed about something about me doesn’t mean the thing is wrong, necessarily.)  this will be *really* hard to teach myself.

- I should go for stuff socially.  sometimes it will turn out.  if I had messaged Vancouver!girl earlier, it would’ve gone well; instead, I assumed it would go badly, waited until the day before, and messaged her at the last minute because I Knew I Should.  She said she would’ve changed shifts to see me if she knew earlier (!).  The girl I went out with from Latvian Tinder - that only happened because I pushed myself to try.  I got to see the Elves in Berlin because I asked. 

- some people can / want to hang for an hour or two.  others, much more time.  this isn’t a commentary on me, entirely.  it’s about them, and their obligations and current emotional focuses and logistics and all sorts of things which are not “I am a good/bad attractive/unattractive” person. 

[illidanstr]

i’m a lot better at actively telling someone where we’re going when i’m navigating than I used to be.  “we’re taking a right at that street up ahead.”  basic, inconsequential transfer of boring information which is actually useful to someone who doesn’t have it. 

i’m significantly better than i was at just making a decision (let’s eat there, now.)  still not.. great, at all times :)

i can arrange housing the same night i land in a city and not stress about it.  I can separate the possible financial (or other risk) from the moral feeling of oh no i fucked up everything is wrong!!!!  it turns out that, in fact, the everything is wrong feeling is often completely unnecessary, and if it isn’t, it’s a budget expense.  you deal with it and figure out if you want to do things differently next time. same for lost opportunities.  everything went so damn smooth travel wise despite a hilarious lack of planning.  

i’m a lot better at realizing that the world isn’t about “must arrange things for this outcome!!” but choices and ranges and things.  not everything turns out in ways I would’ve liked at the beginning. 

[illidanstr]

clothes I want: 

1. a couple pairs of nice, slim slacks.  non-iron.  

2. new shoes.  cap-toe oxfords?  maybe a white-soled shoe?  choices would be interesting.  a dress shoe that has some padding on the heel?  I’ve been wearing my wingtips to work for awhile, and this caused Issues with my right heel.  insoles / cushions, maybe?     

3. very slim undershirt so I can wear my white shirts.  how do I not have this yet.  

4.  another blazer - maybe grey?  blazers are expensive, and may require tailoring for a good waist fit.  

5.  I want a nice suit!  wish I knew for sure how something like https://www.ctshirts.com/us/grey-slim-fit-sharkskin-travel-suit/SUT03GRY.html?cgid=clr_suits this would fit

as far as i know the *optimum* quality-for-cost would be custom-made in SE Asia.  I trust my research ability to find a decent place, but not to test the fabric in person or to know what to ask for fit-wise.  

6.  maybe a vest.  vests are relatively cheap!  maybe I will go hit up malls and clothing stores this weekend

[illidanstr]

improvement summary and aspects to work on: 

- face is reliably clear now 

- don’t actually know if dermarolling is doing much for acne scarring, yet; continue

- definitely have bulked muscle since where I used to be.  plan to bulk/cut my way to add another 5-10 pounds of muscle from where I am now and drop 5+ of fat.  this isn’t.. really that important and will be a slow process; my body itself is not my biggest hangup at this point 

- pretty happy with clothes/style/fit, aside from blazer/suit/shoes, maybe some nicer wool slacks, and possibility of diversifying styles

- voice!   all aspects!  

- energy / poise / verve.  this integrates with confidence and a Plan and executing plans.  and voice, too.  pumping myself up and being optimistic and selling that mood.

- CHILL.  not freaking regardless of what happens.  smoothness and not getting weird.  making others feel comfortable, relaxed.  not having expectations and making it very visible that I’m happy just being me

- genuine care for others all the time.  integrates with chill; if I’m not freaking out myself I can be happy for their successes and sympathetic and helpful when things go wrong.  

- optimism and reaching for the stars.  this isn’t necessarily always an antagonist of chill, though it’s a process to build one without demolishing the other.  

- compliments, thinking ahead, talking about others rather than myself

- career success and status etc 

- invisalign, maybe ears

[illidanstr]

I was reading that series about “should” and self-punishment considered harmful.

so.  background.  my attention goes to attractive women whether I like it or not.  

ofc I don’t want to be a TERRIBLE LEERING ASSHOLE, so I actively work to not look at them

combine this with the gendered social anxiety and lack of experience which prevents me from showing the same general friendly attention I would show to a guy (tbh I’m not sure how abnormal this is; most women in public don’t want attention) 

and the more you try not to do something the more difficult it is to prevent yourself from glancing in a Weird way.  since you are focusing so hard on not looking at someone at some point your eye is going to dart over and I’m pretty sure that’s (intent-apparent) if seen.  the combination of noticing someone’s attention is on you and *also* they are anxiously withdrawn into themselves / not showing friendly signs is a very ew combination.  

SO

obviously I could get plenty of “just chill out” sort of advice from anyone.  if that was even slightly helpful, I would have figured this out like 10 years ago.  

BUT.  if I frame the situation in terms of practical results and What Choices Can I Make, instead of “am I a bad person,” I get the following: 

- I am not a bad person for having noticed that person exists.  no mental self-torture

- it is unlikely I will be carted off to jail

- if someone notices my eyes crossed over them several times, they might be uncomfortable, which I don’t want

- even so it’s not that big of a deal

this is really helping.  it’s normalizing the social vibe!  when I do this correctly my eyes stop doing the thing because I don’t give a fuck and I’m not concerned about their existence 

[illidanstr]

the biggest advance i’ve made in mental health lately is successfully internalizing 

“if (things are anxiety inducing or depressing) = yes”

STOP

“you are anxious or depressed.  things happening around you played a part in your current condition.  but now that you are in this state priority #1 is fixing it so that your thinking can be trusted again.” 

[illidanstr]

Acid trip realizations:

To a large extent I just need to be around people I like in social situations to fix many problems

there are people I think are really cool and like to spend time with who think I am cool and want to spend time with me. I can flourish outside of Alaska.

I am valuable to people around me in a situation where my skill sets are applicable

My women problems are caused by me sending out a weird mixture of needy, awkward, and aversive while not actually doing anything which would lead to positive results even with someone who really likes me

I don't need any special method of hitting on women. Instead, I first need to be able to chat with women I find attractive and make friendships and do things with them just like I would with men without constantly focusing on their appearance or whether I'm disgusting and revolting or whether I will ever get with them.

Once this is as smooth and easy as it is with people I am not attracted to, I can start throwing in flirtatious glances, add sub text to invitations, and hold touch a little longer than I would with men.

I want to be in more situations where I can satisfy my energetic and competitive side in healthy ways

The extent to which my attempts to date are driven by my competitive nature and desire to win is severely unhealthy

To a large extent I just need to feel loved and belong

I want to view the world more in terms of standing up for myself in healthy ways and achieving my desires and less in terms of power struggles

I have pretty deep seated trauma where I feel like I have to pacify someone who criticizes me or becomes distant or they will become increasingly upset and start hurting me emotionally more and more (or I will be alone forever because there is no one else nearby)

(one guess where this came from)

This is not actually the case, most of the time I can give way less fucks

Being more me - fast, energetic, uninhibited - will make many people slightly dislike me. This is okay. Polarization is how you find the people you really want to be around.

It's pointless to reach out for debate or a level of intimacy with someone who doesn't want it. People often don't, and their body language will let you know

I will be very hot when I get comfortable with myself and after further updating

[illidanstr]

gonna create my own redpilled toxic masculinity system.  no shitty evopsych, crap pro-trump bullshit, and no dehumanizing women

so.  do women seek out men who don’t show their true feelings because the Wall prevents them from displaying behavior or emotions or communication which will break the image, shatter the pedestal, and bring them down to the level of all the other real, but unattractive men?

yes; do men also do this?  yes!

it’s all about creating a facade of attractiveness no living human can possibly maintain.  people will often pick the facade over the real thing, given that it’s much more attractive.  people will actively help their partners maintain the front even when they know it’s a front, because they love their partner.

1.  have a positive vision for the future.  no bullshit where because I don’t see myself reliably making five million dollars or saving the world I’m No Good.  instead, come up with the positive aspects of my life in the past and what I’m doing right now, and reasonably possible visions of the future if things go right, and fuckin’ buy it, back it, sell it.  BELIEVE IT.

2.  spend less emotional energy on others.  help them, yes, but not fret about them.  

3.  enjoy others but not give a fuck about them individually in the Broader Moral Deep Sense where you are afraid they will reject or leave you.  

4.  be more confident in general.  this is a reiteration of #1, ‘cause it’s important.  CERTAINTY