Descent into Knowledge

[email protected] (gtalk), illidanstr @ AIM

[illidanstr]

I go out with my friend to cold approach women

he's a short asian dude. younger and cuter than i am. lots of pickup experience

my first approach is bad. my second approach it's a whole group and I just go in and it's such a "eugh no"

my friend points at my gut. says I / my gut are only 12 years old. lack of maturity from lack of emotional experience. has me name it. I call it gutsy. gutsy is scared and doesn't know why I'm making him do this and punishing him for not being Confident or Showing Up. gutsy just wants to be done with dating and women and not have to be driven into doing this anymore

my friend says to show up as my gut. bring the shyness that i feel in it. let it lead

i see two women and they're super attractive and I feel drawn but too scared now. my friend approaches them, starts and holds a conversation. I try to join when I feel safe enough but 95% of their attention is on him. I don't know how to match the vibe of the conversation or connect.

I do a few more approaches. the approaches and the rejections feel quick and perfunctory. gutsy feels better now, somehow

we go for pizza rolls at the food truck and find shelter from a bit of rain at a ramen place. two women are also standing there and my friend coaches me into talking to them. their attention ends up 80% on him. he takes them with us when we go back for the pizza rolls and to the next few places we visit. we split and he says they would have come home with us if he'd felt like it.

i aim for four more approaches. the 10th i talk to women sitting at a bar as i walk past. it feels awkward, but I stay with it. I realize she's enjoying talking to me and leaning in a bit?? I'm not sure why or what is different. My friend joins and I feel like he's only getting 70% of the attention and we hang out until it's time to go

he says it went better because i was more open and receptive. that's why I started getting compliments on my jacket and such. says that when I open up I start correctly choosing women who will respond positively. that probably i could have taken them home but it's likely better to just enjoy having social conversations until i feel more comfortable asserting sexuality

[illidanstr]

I go out on the back porch. Concert was canceled

My friends are there. They're doing some practice

Desire. I try to do it but there's nothing there. One of my friends coaches me. I'm not feeling it

Other friend leaves. Comes back. Tells me to put my desire far, far away. As far away as it takes for it to be safe. On a star. He's happy and chill and talking about it. I scowl and grunt

He looks at me, says "what is that about"

I say I'm angry. I don't know why

He gets excited. Tells me to lean into it. I walk off and stare into the dark. Up at the sky. I feel the numbness that was in me open up. The plants and the fences and the sky and lamps are raw and real

I just stare and hear them talking

"legs are opening up, there's the back, this is really good, it's like he's arguing with God"

A thought comes into my head. I don't move but off in the distance my friend notices, says "go back to it, you have it, stay with it, don't lose it, yes that's right, feel whatever you have to feel to stay on target"

I stare at the sky for a long time and give it the middle finger

I come back and I'm cold and different in ways I don't understand and I look at them both

Why did it take someone else to tell me I was allowed to do and be this?

[illidanstr]

Huh this website still exists (again)

I kinda spent a big chunk of my life here and on livejournal

Well I moved out of Alaska

Turns out I had no idea what I was doing, at all

I survived backpacking Europe and Asia for 5 months. Some people thought this meant I had a level of capability or bravery which I do not.

I never figured out the whole women thing

People told me it would be easier in a big city. Turns out it's actually harder (at least where I live now)

[gcu-sovereign]

Do you feel like you falsified anything with regard to your model of dating during your time away?

[illidanstr]

Yeah there's a LOT going on. I don't understand any of it and I don't trust what I think I know

Differences:

Most of what I thought was other people is really my own internal emotions

A lot of connection stuff is really powerful and energy dynamics are weird and cool

Most of what I was concerned about before doesn't seem relevant anymore because I can't change it and I don't think I deserve anything, I no longer think I am or was a "good person" who will get something for it

[illidanstr]

Tbc I made some decisions I really really really respect myself for having made but I also see my past self as someone who consistently betrayed himself out of fear and was unwilling to show up

Oh and pushed himself really hard thinking he could power through suffering with will but in actually you just surround yourself with the right people for you and mask less and be more vulnerable and change happens in weird ways or it doesn't

[illidanstr]

Huh this website still exists (again)

I kinda spent a big chunk of my life here and on livejournal

Well I moved out of Alaska

Turns out I had no idea what I was doing, at all

I survived backpacking Europe and Asia for 5 months. Some people thought this meant I had a level of capability or bravery which I do not.

I never figured out the whole women thing

People told me it would be easier in a big city. Turns out it's actually harder (at least where I live now)

[gcu-sovereign]

Do you feel like you falsified anything with regard to your model of dating during your time away?

[illidanstr]

Yeah there's a LOT going on. I don't understand any of it and I don't trust what I think I know

Differences:

Most of what I thought was other people is really my own internal emotions

A lot of connection stuff is really powerful and energy dynamics are weird and cool

Most of what I was concerned about before doesn't seem relevant anymore because I can't change it and I don't think I deserve anything, I no longer think I am or was a "good person" who will get something for it

[illidanstr]

The whole thing that I had my entire life starting puberty of depressive rumination is

Kinda gone?

I found a guy who can fix it. I started hanging out with him because I thought he could get me laid. That hasn't worked yet. I've never gotten laid this little in my entire life

But I can walk onto the back patio and get a hit in twenty minutes that takes me out of hell

Maybe someday soon I can do this for other people

[quantumofawesome]

Can you describe how you "get a hit" in a little more detail?

[illidanstr]

It's all nervous system regulation or avoiding a feeling. Actually feeling the feeling may lead to taking an action, and preventing yourself from taking an action can also cause hell.

This person is extremely capable in two ways:

1. "Grounding"

2. Ability to smoothly mirror / feel into intense emotional states others cannot

Which is basically 100 percent of therapeutic practice

[illidanstr]

i might be almost at the point where i am unable to stop myself from succeeding

[illidanstr]

I started a company. I have a few consulting clients and I'm not rich and I work too much but it pays rent and I have theoretical freedom

[illidanstr]

I memed myself into confidence and found a girl I liked who didn't care about my appearance and it didn't fix me. It was great for a little while but I had the same insecurity and fear and depressive responses and tried to rely on someone else to make things better

[illidanstr]

The whole thing that I had my entire life starting puberty of depressive rumination is

Kinda gone?

I found a guy who can fix it. I started hanging out with him because I thought he could get me laid. That hasn't worked yet. I've never gotten laid this little in my entire life

But I can walk onto the back patio and get a hit in twenty minutes that takes me out of hell

Maybe someday soon I can do this for other people

[illidanstr]

Huh this website still exists (again)

I kinda spent a big chunk of my life here and on livejournal

Well I moved out of Alaska

Turns out I had no idea what I was doing, at all

I survived backpacking Europe and Asia for 5 months. Some people thought this meant I had a level of capability or bravery which I do not.

I never figured out the whole women thing

People told me it would be easier in a big city. Turns out it's actually harder (at least where I live now)

[ghostpalmtechnique]

I realized that the "following" tab makes it easy to see which of your followed accounts fell of the face of the Earth. Here is a possibly incomplete list of people I wonder what happened to. (Accounts that announced a departure omitted)

@theeevenprime @cop-disliker69 @big-block-of-cheese-day @silver-and-ivory @thefutureoneandall @anosognosic @voxette-vk @funereal-disease @osberend @dataandphilosophy @princess-stargirl @eccentric-opinion @coffeespoonsposts

I also realized while making this list that at least one person had started a different tumblr instead, which you could see in their header. People! Some of us just read the dashboard; don't assume we'd see that.

ETA: multiple answers received for funereal-disease and cop-disliker69; you can stop adding those.

[ghostpalmtechnique]

Adding @illidanstr

(ht the @argumate Reblog-Industrial Complex)

[illidanstr]

im alive

quit my job and moved out of Alaska beginning of the year, I’m in Baltimore now

i wonder what good posts i’ve missed on tumblr in the last, i dunno, three? years

[illidanstr]

I'm voting Biden just in hopes the ridiculous taxes on parmesan cheese Trump enacted go away

That's all I want

[argumate]

WHAT DO WE WANT? an end to the ridiculous taxes on parmesan cheese

WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT? let’s start with that for now.

[argumate]

did Ol' Cheesy Joe deliver??

[illidanstr]

Http://www.inquirer.com/columnists/italian-tariffs-laquila-parmesan-cheese-longo-20200217.html no but they didn't go up further

[the-bright-path-deactivated2021]

[illidanstr]

https://www.ft.com/content/919d16c8-0a40-4389-bac9-04a48fdb0a36

Called this a few months back

https://www.pfizer.com/news/press-release/press-release-detail/pfizer-and-biontech-submit-covid-19-vaccine-stability-data

[orpheusilver]

i think that instead of schools idolizing perfect attendance there should be a competition to see who can be absent the most days and still pass

[ivanaskye]

me: I should probably write one of my upcoming books

me: or finish up that book that was supposed to come out like half a year ago

me:

me:

pandemic:

me:

me: SURPRISE COMPLETELY UNRELATED BOOK, EVERYONE!

Anyway, it’s an F/M/F fantasy western romance about the courage to live in a world that doesn’t want you.

It’s an amazon exclusive right now (which means Kindle Unlimited members can read it for free), but I’ll take it off the exclusivity contract after either three or six months, so if you want to wait for that, I’ll make another announcement when you can buy it elsewhere!

But for now, check it out here.

[nineherbscharm]

reblog this post and put in the tags what drink you would have someone bring you when you pressed a button on your desk mine would be coconut lacroix