A Mother’s Survival After A Child’s Death
Finding out my husband and I were expecting a baby was exciting but also nerve wracking since we were only married for 6 months. We always knew we wanted a pretty big family because we both came from big families. Christian’s the middle child of 5 and I’m the youngest of 4.
Around 6 weeks, I started to bleed which is when I knew that my body was rejecting the baby. Shortly after, we realized we were the members of this secret community known as the miscarriage community. I kept it hidden for a while until I realized that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel as if my pain and emotions weren’t valid. My husband felt the same except that he was always better at leaning on the plan that Jesus had. I still hadn’t figured out what exactly that plan was or what it was going to look like.
When people would announce their pregnancies, it was challenging for me. I was battling all of these mixed emotions that come with losing a child. It’s not that I wasn’t thrilled for my friends on social media because I truly was happy for them. I was just hurting because I was still in the grief period (not that there is even a real timeline for grieving because it comes in these overwhelming waves).
Six months after losing our first child, we decided that we were ready to expand our family again. Only this time, we quickly realized that it doesn’t always happen within the first cycle. I became a little worried after a couple of months because I felt as if something was wrong but specialists wont even see you unless you have been trying for over a year with no luck. My menstrual cycles were off which was concerning because it all started happening after the loss of our first baby. About 5 ½ months later, I took a test and it was positive. We were thrilled but nervous as well because of the first miscarriage. The same day we took the test, I received a phone call from a family member letting me know that my biological dad died. It was a really rough night with a lot of mixed emotions. I felt as if I couldn’t catch a break.
We announced that we were expecting and asked for many prayers because we were still nervous about losing this little one. After we got out of the first trimester, I felt like I could breathe again. The percentage of having a second trimester loss is significantly low compared to the first trimester.
At 16 weeks, we found out we were going to be welcoming a baby boy into our family! We were ecstatic! We picked a name out for him shortly after. Isaiah.
After welcoming the 2016 new year, we expected everything to be so easy because we were halfway through the pregnancy and closer to meeting our son… except we didn’t know that our world would soon be falling apart…
WARNING: the events below are going to be detailed and may be hard to handle but this is our reality.
THE WEEK OUR WORLD COLLAPSED
I woke up to start my day off as any other normal day only today was going to go a lot differently than I imagined. After using the restroom, I wiped and saw that I had this crazy amount of mucus looking stuff on the toilet paper. It scared me so badly that I decided to call Christian at work and tell him that I was going to pick him up on my way to the hospital so he could go with me. Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I was taken to a smaller version of Labor and Delivery because all of the beds in L&D were filled with people welcoming their new bundles of joy. The on-call doctor ran some tests, gave me ultrasounds, and told me everything was fine. He sent me home but the next morning, I woke up and found that I had the “bloody show”. I rushed back to the hospital and told them what was going on and that I would not be leaving this time. I was sent to an OB where she told me that I was dilated and that I had bulging membranes. This is where my world collapsed. I never knew something like this could happen. I wasn’t experiencing any physical pain or discomfort which I found to be odd. I was admitted into the hospital and put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (which the doctors didn’t expect to last very long).
That day was hard but that night was even worse. I went to use the restroom and felt something weird coming out of me. I reached down and felt a balloon like material which prompted me to tell Christian to get the nurses. They helped transfer me back to the bed and quickly rushed me off to a delivery room. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably because I knew it was too early. He was too young to survive outside of the womb. His lungs were not developed enough. The doctors and nurses would not resuscitate him. This was a terrible nightmare that I wanted to wake up from. Christian and I began praying and calling out to God during this chaotic time. When the doctor got into the room, she checked me and saw that the membranes went back up. She was pleased with this because it gave me a little more time to keep our son inside of the womb. This was a relief to us. We knew that God was allowing us to have more time to prepare.
Our goal was to make it another 3 weeks in order for his lungs to develop and respond to the steroid shots they would give me at 24 weeks. We had people that we knew and people we didn’t even know covering us in prayer as we were going through this difficult time. Many people came to the hospital to visit with us and pray over us. Shortly after, I started experiencing excruciating back pain. This is when I knew that labor was just beginning. The back contractions were getting closer and closer together. I was leaning on my husband while I was listening to him pray because that was the only thing that was getting me through the contractions. It was the only way that I could cope with the pain.
A few moments later, my doctor came in to discuss pain relief options but I knew I wanted to experience this as natural as possible. I looked at my husband for reassurance which he gave me. He knew that I could handle this without any pain medication because it was something that I so desperately wanted to experience. Labor lasted for a few hours until my water finally broke. That was the most traumatic experience for me because of the loud sound that it made since I was lying on my side to relieve the pain from the back contractions.
I lean up and tell the nurse that he is coming but she doesn’t have enough time to get the doctor into the room. Our son was coming whether we wanted him to or not. He was ready. The nurse caught him in just a matter of seconds after my water breaking and all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. All I could do was cry because I knew that I would only have a short amount of time with him. Christian’s expression towards our son is what broke me more. To see how much he loved his son. As we were holding our son, the nurses kept checking his heart to see if it was still beating. They did this for 58 minutes and then we just knew that he had slipped away into Heaven to be with Jesus.
WE WERE BROKEN. All throughout my pregnancy, there was one scripture that kept coming to me.
Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
One of the nurses put together a box of keepsakes for us to take home. She brought in something that they put in all of the boxes and the scripture happened to be Isaiah 41:10. Many would call it a coincidence but I don’t. I believe that Jesus knew we needed that scripture all throughout my pregnancy for this divine moment.
Meet our son, Isaiah Christian Mendoza. 1lb 1oz. 11 inches long. Born January 15, 2016, at 2:12 a.m.
After we had time with our son, we decided that it was time to let him go. His color was changing and we didn’t want to remember him that way because of how painful it was for us. The rest of the time that we were there was a blur. We were sleep deprived and in so much pain. We slept on the couch together because I couldn’t handle sleeping in the hospital bed. It was a reminder of all that happened just moments ago.
We were woken up at 6 a.m. to the doctor and a nurse telling us that we were going to be discharged shortly but after seeing how tired we were, she felt that it was probably best for us to sleep a little longer before getting on the road. I remember waking up and hoping that it was all a bad dream but I only woke up to the reality that I no longer carried my son in my womb. I no longer had the hard bump. I could hear the cries of a newborn baby in the room next door and I felt as if all the air was knocked out of me. It was unbearable.
We finally felt what God felt when he sent his only son into the world to die for people that hated him. Watching our son pass was the hardest thing we have ever gone through. We didn’t understand why so we started praying for comfort and peace.
If I’m being honest, I could only cry during my prayers. I would try to speak but as soon as I would try to form words, I would weep. In those moments, I knew that God felt my pain, grief, depression, etc. He felt it all. But in those moments, I never felt so close to God.
Psalms 34:18
″The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.“
This scripture is so real and so true. The day we buried our son, many family members and friends came to the funeral to support us during this hard time. It was rough but we managed to get through it with Jesus. Knowing that our son was in Heaven completely pain free was what kept us moving forward.
The hours, days, weeks, and months that followed his death were so difficult to get through but we got through them. Together. Christian and I leaned on one another through it all. We stayed and fought through the pain, the darkness, and even saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Our faith was challenged at times but we continued to lean on Jesus through all of it because we knew that he had a plan all worked out even if we couldn’t see it.
Meeting with my doctors 4 weeks after birth, we were told that I have a condition called Incompetent Cervix. This is where the cervix can’t handle all of the weight of the baby and amniotic fluid. The cervix begins to dilate too early because it thinks that it is time for the baby to come. Thankfully, there are many options available to bring a baby safely into the world with this condition, however, we know that God is able to heal.
After meeting with my OB, I met with a high risk doctor also known as a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. I did some research before my consultation with him so that I would be aware of my options and have knowledge about this condition. Before meeting with him, Christian and I prayed that if this was the doctor for our next pregnancy that he would give us the exact plan we wanted and felt was best for me. The Lord definitely heard and answered our prayers because this doctor was compassionate and gave us the plan we wanted!
We were finally getting answers as to why I went into pre-term labor and how we could prevent these issues for the next pregnancy.
Coping with the pain of losing Isaiah is still a process that we are walking through. It gets a little easier with each passing day but we still miss him so much. We continue to look to the future knowing that we will one day see him and our first child again. We look forward to the promises that Jesus has for us.
