#incorrect riverdale

[super-marvel-dc]

Jughead: You bought a taco?

Y/N: Yes.

Jughead: From the same truck that hit Sweet Pea?!

Y/N, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help him.

[theshortangrylesbian]

Veronica: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... 

Toni: I really care about your feelings! 

Cheryl: I really care about YOUR feelings! 

Veronica, turning her head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... 

Jughead: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! 

Betty: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU

[riverdaleremix]

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Meanwhile, in the Riverdale student lounge…

Archie: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions?

Jughead: Put spaghetti in it.

Archie: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.

Betty: Put spaghetti in it.

Archie: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.

Veronica: Put spaghetti in it.

Archie: I'm no longer taking suggestions.

~

[The group is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]

Archie: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of... 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake

Jughead: You're in a prison cell :)

Betty: You did great. Well, I got a 10-

Jughead: You're in a prison cell with bars on it :3

Veronica: I got a 1!

Jughead: You're in... a cube-shaped place.

~

Archie: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Jughead: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Betty: I got distracted about halfway through.

Cheryl: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

~

Archie, banging on the door: Jughead! Open up!

Jughead: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Betty: No, he meant-

Veronica: Let him finish.

~

Archie: You know those things will kill you, right?

Jughead, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Veronica, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Betty: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

~

Betty: Why are Archie and Jughead sitting with their backs to each other?

Veronica: They had a fight.

Betty: Then why are they holding hands?

Veronica: They get sad when they fight.

~

Archie: Can I be frank with you guys?

Jughead: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Betty: Can I still be Betty?

Veronica: Shh, let Frank speak.

~

Archie: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Jughead: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Archie: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING BETTY WITH ME

Veronica, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now

~

Archie: *Gently taps table*

Jughead: *Taps back*

Betty: What are they doing?

Veronica: Morse code.

Archie: *Aggressively taps table*

Jughead: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

~

Jughead: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!

Veronica: Really? Name one law

Jughead: Don't kill people?

Veronica: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

~

Archie: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Jughead's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out...

~

Archie: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean?

Jughead: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

Archie: but what’s the first worst thing?

*Awkward pause*

Betty: Archie, they...they weren’t always orphans.

Archie:

~

Jughead: God, give me patience.

Cheryl: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Jughead: If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

~

Jughead: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Reggie: *Out of breath* HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

~

Betty: Where are you going?

Veronica: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

~

Archie: How do I deal with my enemies?

Jughead: Kill them

Betty: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution

Veronica: Kill them only a little?

[aroacejuggiejones]

Jughead: There are no prints on the box, no DNA evidence, and the security camera in the hall was obscured which means whoever stole my pie thought it through. And that’s mean-

Betty: It wasn’t Archie and Sweet pea.

Archie & Sweet pea: *High five and leave*

[hollowpurplesoundbreathing]

(FP, giving the serpents a speech before a mission)

FP: We've got to know what we're fighting for. What we're living for.

Y/N: I'm only living for sweet pea's ass

The serpents: ....

FP: *heavy sigh* I didn't mean for you to share it.

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Sweet Pea: Ya know. In the grand scheme of things. Houses are just Tupperware and we're all God's leftovers.

Fangs: how-how'd you get into my shower?

[soyforramen]

Riverdale vs. John Mulaney Part