I’ve moved out of N7, to move back to N15 tomorrow to start my life afresh in a warehouse. In the meantime, I’ve been staying at my colleague’s swish place right next to Emirates stadium. Despite the fact that it’s a 10 minute walk from where I have just moved from, and that I still frequent the same coffee shops and supermarkets, it’s been a lovely change. The change of space, the change in routine and for sure the change in direction, has allowed a bit of breathing room. I feel refreshed.
The relief on getting out of the flat and here pretty much straight away lifted my spirit. I was exhausted and the dust made me ill (allergies), so work the next day was a bit of a struggle. Though, because I had a different route to work, and I was overall in a new environment, I felt more myself.
It worries me, moving into this warehouse, purely because I don’t know what I’m like with people anymore... I’m looking forward to being able to go to sleep without anxiety that the drunken person next door will kick off (I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take their pain out on me), and looking forward to a new space that I can truly make my own. But, like, I surrendered up my plates. They’re things, but things that I’ve collected. I kept hold of my mugs until tomorrow when I’ll sort everything out. I’m hoping that I’ll get that spontaneous and carefree part of myself back. It’s not always there, but of late it’s been suppressed more and more. I need to find myself again.
The little holiday away in this flat hasn’t made me feel like me, yet. If anything, it’s made me feel lonely and ready to meet new people (maybe that is just me). Any people. I put myself out there last weekend at a gig, using the band’s promise that they’d be over the road at the pub to ask this guy if he wanted to go over there too. The band never showed, but I didn’t feel so anxious at asking him out knowing there was some sort of premise behind it. And then I got freaked out of course, because it was new to me. Quite frankly, I got over the anxiety quite quickly too, which is a sign that the do-whatever side of me is creeping back. I need the self esteem, and the confidence. I obviously don’t want to rely on the many ciders and the live music adrenaline to fuel any zany actions, however, overall when I think on nights where I’ve let go and ended up having fun... I’ve been with those people that don’t hinder me. I’m so anxious about this new stuff that I’ve become one of those asking girl friends for advice. It’s very funny and very naïve.
It wouldn’t have felt so easy, doing this (that) had I still been in the mindset that he was still good for me, that he was my best friend. I’m glad I came to my senses. Honestly, no extended length of time that you’ve known somebody should get in the way of who you are. I lost touch with many people after school and that’s a massive shame - we grow up and learn where our place is, and sometimes nostalgia makes you think it was only yesterday. You have some time to figure out what your values are, and where your personality fits and who it should fit with, whilst you’re growing up. I thought I had finally found my place with him, that we fit together seamlessly, but it was a dream; I’d only gotten further away from my place. It wasn’t familiar territory anymore; there was nothing homely about the relationship. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t feel cared for. I was holding on because of the dream, because of the length of time we had each spent getting to that point. 16 years. I stuck around for the routine; because it was easier and less traumatic than leaving. Yet, after spending 6 hours cleaning up the flat with no “thanks” (and most definitely no help), saying “see you around, then” was upsetting to say, but the coldness (control) made me feel alive. I left with an adrenaline rush and the feeling that I would now be ok. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything now that he’s gone - and that’s funny, because I wrote him a story after we had been reacquainted saying that I felt I was missing something the years we were apart. Obviously, it wasn’t him that I was missing. It got to the point where I couldn’t fathom him no longer being there, whether as a friend or boyfriend, but the lack of care for even just an amicable friendship allowed me to see the error in my judgement - that being alone was better than being ‘together’. And it’s true. I’m lonely, but better off for it.
That doesn’t explain why I’m so fraught that ska guy hasn’t been in touch. I’m so disappointed because I hate being out of control, and where a guy has your number and you don’t have his number (and not even a last name, and a really very generic first name at that) is probably more frustrating that making a cup of tea with your last bit of milk and forgetting about it. It’s like come on, I put myself out there, used that little shred of strength I had, and then it’s just gone and I’m back to feeling out of control again. Guess I’ve just gotta keep putting myself out there so that I get in a place where I feel like I’m in control in a non-controlling way again. After the toxicity and disgust at being trapped I really just want to have fun. I’d go out with friends and laugh, and have to go home to someone pissed off that I wasn’t paying them attention. No more. Pissed off at yourself because you didn’t eat for a day and so were drunk and sickly enough to miss an event you had booked... but not pissed off at someone else for being pissed off at you for not doing anything wrong.
This is getting long-winded now. I really do feel that a small change in environment can increase wellbeing. During Summer I did feel great, because I was exploring and adventuring (and getting fresh air). It was a break up to the daily grind (except I had to go back to more than just a grind). So now, going back to a warehouse where there’ll be forever new people to chat to, it should be an interesting and ever-changing life! And on the off chance that ska guy got mugged for his phone so losing my number but remembers my last name and searches FB for me... get in touch please. If only for coffee and a chat. You like Farse and studied the Arts and have star tattoos. Three talking points right there.