School is over. I have graduated, and am now working full time in my chosen field, and I have so much to remember, to reflect on.
This journey has been a difficult one, fraught with fear, failures, tiny successes, friends, and ultimately, growth.
Let us journey back in time, back when I had just left school to try and keep myself financially afloat. My ego was bruised, wounded from my failures, and trying to heal. I felt hopeless, and questioned my ability to finish what I had started.
I felt deep shame that I had let down those who had believed in me and supported me. I was afraid that I was a fraud.
And so, I worked. Hard. Got a job that paid well and allowed me to focus on the minutia of every day life while avoiding the things that truly rankled my soul. I paid down debts, I saved. I tried to forget the the uncertainty that made my heart quake with fear. I visited family and grew my relationship with my sweetheart. I waited. Waited. And, waited.
Then, finally, fall. I approached the new school year with skepticism and trepidation. I made a conscious effort to not make friends with everyone, to just find those who would benefit me both scholastically and emotionally. I wanted people who would not distract from, but rather, encourage my work, and understand the pressure my heart was under. I found a small group of women that had passion, drive, and great senses of humor. They were my respite from the looming spectre of failure.
I restricted my paid work down to the weekends only, so that I could dedicate myself from the time my eyes opened to the time I closed them for sleep to my school work. People asked me often how long I was in class for, and I had to explain that I would arrive by 7:30am, work till class at 9, after class ended at 3, I would then work till they kicked us out at 9pm. Every. Day.
It was grueling, and draining. It was the truest way to strip myself of pretension, learning that even when I worked hard and tried to be the best, that I was only in the middle of the pack. I am not the most talented, the most skilled. This is hard for me to accept. I work so very hard, and put so much of my soul into what I do. To recognize that I am mediocre in so many ways is humbling, and inspires me to continue to learn and practice. It helps me to remember that the work is what is important, not who gets the most laurels. They who persevere become successful. My true talent is perseverance, and I plan on becoming successful.
My final line was ambitious. I created all patterns from scratch, and created my own sloper based off a mannequin I purchased and padded out. Plus sized garments are difficult to do well. They require deft hands, keen eyes, and patience. My garments were not earth shattering in the sense of high fashion, but they were truly beautiful, wearable garments for women that are marginalized so often. My collection felt expensive, and reflected my aesthetic of ease, feminine details, and a vintage feel. I played with technology and designed a laser cut out design that I did on leather, and learned a great deal about what not to do based on that experiment. I succeeded in creating a small portion of my grander vision. I learned that I can do what I put my mind to, it just may take me to places I never envisioned.
Graduation was a time of great pride for me. I had been emotionally supported by so many people throughout my scholastic endeavor, and had been cheered on when I thought I could not continue. I had been financially supported by many more, as those who felt I had something important to contribute to fashion donated to my GoFundMe campaign. This overwhelming vote of confidence urged me onward and bouyed my spirits when I wanted to quit. I faced my fears, and conquered them with an army of love behind me. This is why I want to be a success, to prove to this army that their campaign on my behalf was for a reason. I must live up to the expectations of these, my supporters.
I am now working as an Assistant Product Developer in a company that is small enough that what I do truly matters. I have autonomy to make decisions, and the responsibility to stand by those decisions. If I fail, this company will suffer, and so, my emotional buy-in is large. I want to learn as much as I can from those around me who have more experience, and I want to share my experience and skills with them, as well.
Additionally, I am working again with my first love: theatre. Theatrical design allows me to express a side of my creativity that traditional fashion cannot. I can follow flights of fancy to their fantastical end, and it is beautiful. The challenges of theatre are immense, as the budgets are always too small, the time line too short, and I am solely responsible for the failure or success of a design. I have no team. I have no stitchers, no pattern makers to help me. I do everything. I craft, I sew, I pattern, I drape, I dye, I drill, I saw, I cut, I do....
I love my life. It is never easy. I may never be famous, or have a successful line in a major retailer, but I will persevere. I will continue to learn, to grow, to try, to fail. I will always remember the lessons I have learned as I finished my education, and remember the people who helped me along the way.
