#indian identity

[medhamuses]

[lunar-stories-blog]

“A mixture, not a clash”: Yash Shankar

Yash and I were next-door neighbours sophomore year. What always amazed me was not only her unabashedly outspoken nature, but her willingness and dedication to helping others. A budding visual artist, she is also pursuing a degree in public health and has worked at a health centre for disenfranchised women. We sat on a colourful rug in her bedroom and talked about art, Indian identity, and her likelihood of marrying a white boy.  -Amy

I’m trying to say my name the right way. I always introduce myself as “Yahsh” or “Yash” (as in ash), cause British people can’t say “Yush,” and I went to British schools growing up. Also, Yash is a boy’s name in India, which I hated. My full name’s Yashvardhani, which is really long and no one can say it. Now, I’m trying to be like, “that’s stupid,” gender is dumb, and just because white people can’t say your name doesn’t mean you have to say it wrong.

I mostly paint and draw. When we lived in Bangkok, I was around 5, my parents didn’t know what to do with me so they found this dude called Mr. Roy. He was this older, white British man, I mean, typical, right? Married a Thai woman in Thailand, had a little mixed-raced baby that used to run around the house. And he used to do oil painting classes. So they put me in this class with Mr. Roy and I ended up staying until we left Bangkok 6, 7 years later. But being around only 40 year olds, my classes got really boring and I hated it. So I never wanted to go back to [oil painting]. When we moved to Dubai I experimented with acrylics and watercolours. Now I mostly work with acrylics and artist markers and pens. My style has changed a lot. I used to do landscapes and classic, really boring, white art. Now my art is so much more me and I’m doing what I like as opposed to what looks pretty. I try to experiment with Indian patterns and really clash-y, bold colours, ‘cause I feel like that’s something that’s easy to be afraid of. But I just love it and that’s so Indian, using a bunch of really random colours together.

Would you say that your style now is more Western or more Indian or either of those at all?

My style is really confused. I am trying to get more Indian with my art cause I find that my art is a way that I connect with being Indian. There’s traditional Indian art forms like kolam that are really cool, you basically do dots and patterns around the dots and they’re mathematical as well, You can use the algorithms from these patterns in computer science and I’m trying to experiment with that.

I didn’t really grow up in Western communities. I grew up mostly around different places in Asia. But obviously Western culture and media is mass produced and consumed all around the world, so I was definitely exposed to it. I learned a lot from white people and white culture. I only went to British schools growing up so even when I took art in high school, the artists we studied weren’t people of colour, they were white artists. They would throw in Basquiat sometimes, but it wasn’t anything exciting. It was very Mona Lisa, which is so boring, you know? So I’m trying really hard to go more Indian. I lived in India for all of 5 years and I feel really connected to it, but I don’t wanna portray my own culture through this Western lens that I’ve grown up in. ‘Cause whatever I do is gonna be affected by that and I don’t wanna appropriate my own culture. So I’m really trying to use and learn about it authentically and then create my own version of it, not just like, “oh this looks vaguely Indian,” and make something that Urban Outfitters would sell, cause I would hate that.

“I love India so much, I hate so many things about it and I’m angry about so many things, but I just love it so much. And that’s how I feel people should be patriotic. I can call my own country out on its bullshit”

How do you see your identity as an Asian/Indian person?

Being an Asian person and being an Asian person that goes to international schools and being an Asian person who grew up in America are such different things. I feel like people here – white people - often confuse Indian-Americans with Indian people. Indian-american culture is SO, so different than Indian expat culture and Indian national culture. Sometimes I find that I can’t really relate to Indian-American culture.

Here, there’s such a huge emphasis on assimilation and being American. I never wanna be American, not even a little bit. If I ever have to get a green card I’m gonna sob for days. And it’ll happen, I’ll probably marry a white dude, it’s gonna suck so bad. But I will never identify with being American. I have an American accent and I have American behaviours and I sound like a valley girl and I hate all these things and I just wanna be more Indian, but I lived there until I was 5 so it’s hard. Here, if you ask an Indian person where they’re from, they’ll be like “I’m from California, but my parents are from India,” and it makes so much sense to me now, after having learned about how hard it is to grow up as an Indian-American here, or as an Asian-American here. People are constantly trying to make you feel like you aren’t American.

I still introduce myself as Indian. Saying you’re Indian here is like a confession. It’s something that needs to be said. It’s like saying that you’re American isn’t enough. Like your Asian identity has to be at the forefront of everything. But everywhere else that I’ve grown up, the communities are so international and so expatriate and intermittent, everyone’s always moving, that even if I had spent 30 minutes of my life in India, I’m still Indian. And that’s fine because there’s not as many stereotypes or assumptions associated with that, so I don’t feel the need to hide from it. But when I’m here, I have to say “I was born in India but I grew up in Bangkok and Dubai,” because “I was born in India” – people just assume so many things. And it’s really frustrating.

My Asian identity is so mixed, because I associate so strongly with being Indian, and with Thai culture, and with Arab culture. I feel like Americans are very patriotic in a dumb, ignorant way, like “America’s the best, American dream,” and I’m like, “America sucks for anyone that’s not white, so you can shut up.” They don’t wanna see things that are wrong with their country. I’m starting to discover this a lot more - I love India so much, I hate so many things about it and I’m angry about so many things, but I just love it so much. And that’s how I feel people should be patriotic. I can call my own country out on its bullshit and be like, “these are really terrible things.” [Elaine: Not blind patriotism.] Yeah, I hate that. I don’t like when Indian-Americans will say Indian things wrong, and make fun of Indian accents that they see on TV, or make fun of Indian aunties. I’m like, Aw come on. People already do that. Why are we contributing to that? And it’s the context in which they do it. There’s a way in which I’ll make jokes about my culture that only people who belong to that culture can understand. Not stereotypical jokes. I don’t wanna be like, I’m secretly ashamed of [my identity] so I’m gonna make jokes that make other people comfortable and make them feel like I can make fun of myself so they can make fun of me too, and we can all be comfortable in our racism.

In your artwork, do you want to portray ideas about your own Indian identity?

Yeah definitely. In the last year or two, I’ve been really trying to be like “you’re Indian, and you should love it, and your art is Indian and you should love that”. I was really struggling with my exhibition. Feminism itself is such a western perspective to have, and you can’t apply one lens of feminism to everything. And I was trying really hard to be feminist in my art but also be Indian. And those things aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive at all, but I don’t wanna be Indian in my art through a Western perspective. I don’t wanna see India as an outsider, I wanna see India as an Indian and then portray that in my art. But also I’m not fully Indian, I have other things that are a part of me, and I need them in my art too, so I feel like my art is really just me on a page. As pretentious as that sounds. I really want it to be reflective of how confused I am.

I also don’t wanna contribute to the identity crisis that people here have. I can respect why they have that, cause it’s so different growing up as an Asian in America than literally anywhere else outside your own home country, but there’s such a perception that having multiple identities leads to an identity crisis, or that it’s somehow hard. It’s a little hard, but it’s not as hard as it is rewarding. I love that I have like 75 different cultures that contribute to who I am, and I cannot imagine not waking up in the middle of the night and craving Thai food, Lebanese food, and Indian food all at the same time. And I want my art to be a mixture, not a clash. Like a combination of all these things but not like, she’s so confusing she doesn’t know where to begin.

How your cultural identity comes through in your art – is that something that happened naturally or something that you realised? Or was it something you consciously wanted to incorporate?

Both I would say. At first, when you go to art classes it’s like, this is how to draw a circle, a bowl of fruits, and whatever. And then you grow up and your art becomes what you want it to be. I was learning more about being Indian and my own culture and how I wanna experience it and relate to it and at the same time I was getting back into art. Cause I think for a bit in the middle I wasn’t really focusing on my art. I would doodle and stuff, but I wasn’t creating art. And I missed it. And when I started coming back to it, it was sort of at the same time as I was learning more about my own identity and being Asian. So they kind of went hand in hand.

And then as I started realising that I kind of like all these Indian art forms and what they look like and I liked that they belong to me, I started pushing myself to include them in my art. I naturally wanted it to happen but I had to make a conscious decision to be like, if you want to, go google these art forms, or go talk to your Mom, and actually educate yourself and just do them. That part wasn’t something that came naturally to me.

“We’ve been feminists for centuries. For forever. And I wanna be powerful in my Indianness, not despite it.”

Do you have specific influences? People or artists that you look up to?

Yeah, I’m a really bad artist in that – and my sister makes so much fun of me for this – I love art and I love creating art but I’m not interested by the Tate Modern or the Met or literally anything. I think that’s partly because I also just get angry going to the Met cause I’m just like, this is all stolen and you’re making money off it and I hate it and I don’t wanna contribute to your awful cultural theft. This isn’t yours, stop pretending like this just existed in New York.

But I definitely I don’t think I have one influence in particular. I like random things that I see on the internet about artists of colour that are talking about what it’s like being an artist of colour, or being a person of colour, and feminist art that looks at women of colour as empowered as opposed to “I’m gonna talk about how hard it is to be brown in this world,. Like yeah it is hard to be brown in this world, but why? Because of white people, not because of our own people, I mean yes partly because of our own people, but I feel like a lot of the time I’ve noticed that in the past when art was made about people of colour, it would just be pity-art, like these sad little impoverished little children who don’t get enough food, or these women who have to wear these awful hijabs. [Elaine: Rather than celebrating the culture.] Exactly. My art is definitely starting to be influenced by the Hindu goddesses. That’s where I draw a lot of inspiration. We’ve been feminists for centuries. For forever. And I wanna be powerful in my Indianness, not despite it.

Do you know hatecopy? Basically she does Roy Lichtenstein, pop art inspired, comic-book art, but Indian things and problems Indians have with white people and it’s just so good. I’m really inspired by artists like her that have a perspective on being Indian that I really relate to, which I just feel so empowered by. I want to be like, “being Indian is fucking awesome and you all should want to be,” you know what I mean? But not in the I wear bindis to festivals way, like in a “this culture is really awesome and we should stop looking at it as sad.”

Do you see yourself or your identity represented in the media or in the arts sphere?

No. But I’m starting to.There’s people like Mindy Kaling, I love her so much and she’s so important and we need people like her, but again that’s such an Indian-American experience. Mindy - and she jokes about this on her show - she’s not that Indian. She associates more with being American than she does with Indian. I think that’s such an important perspective to have. If Disney ever decides to make an Indian princess, I’m not excited, I don’t want them to take some Pocahontas-esque story about some Indian warrior princess who fell for a colonialist and then ran away to England. It would be nice for a Disney movie to have people of colour in it without having a huge emphasis on their culture. Which sounds bad but I wanna see an Indian girl in a movie who doesn’t do yoga and doesn’t have parents who expect her to have an arranged marriage. I want her to just have brown skin and that’s it. It’s like they’re trying to strike a balance but it’s not a good balance. You know that phrase, “not about us without us.” But there’s just too many shows and movies and books that are like, “let’s try to include people of colour, but I’m not a person of colour and I’m gonna write about them anyway so I look liberal and politically correct.”

Priyanka Chopra on Quantico. I love the character she plays. I think she’s really great but I think she can use her platform a little bit more, considering how famous she is, to talk about representation in the media. But Alex Parrish the character, they nailed it! The first scene that she does is her having sex with some rando, and I’m like, “go get yours, Alex Parrish! You have all the sex you want, I love it!” And you also happen to be brown and it’s so great and you’re just going to Quantico and becoming an FBI agent and the way that they talk about her, it’s not from an oppressive perspective. They don’t need to draw attention to her being Indian but  they don’t need to shy away from it either. And her accent is really good as well, she doesn’t have an over-the-top accent but it’s not entirely American, you can hear Indian parts in it.

Aziz Ansari. I feel like he’s doing a great job. He’s doing so well. First of all he’s just funny and I love that he can be funny without being mean. I feel like a lot of comedy and stand up in general is like let’s shit on these people and say it’s for the sake of humour, and I’m like why can’t we just be nice? And I just can relate to him, a little bit. He went to NYU and I go to NYU. He’s Tamil and I’m Tamil, he’s from the same state as I’m from in India.

He just gets the whole being Indian thing because that’s so great that his actual parents act on the show. They’re so good, they’re adorable! And he just does a really great job of being Indian, portraying an Indian family, as opposed to just himself. He and his dad have a great relationship and I feel like there’s that trope...there’s a disconnect between your parents and you if you’re an Asian person, but I’m so close to my parents and they know everything about me. I like that his parents aren’t like, “Ew, you’re dating a white girl.” Like, yeah I’ll probably marry a white boy, and my parents will probably be like “ugh” a little bit. But…who doesn’t hate white people a little? They grew up in a country that was colonised, their parents were alive during colonisation, they’re allowed to be like “why did you pick a white boy.”

But they’re not doing that because he’s of a different race, they want what’s best for me and they want me to be respected as an Asian person, but I like that his parents are so chill about him dating this girl. His Dad is like, “we just want you to be happy,” his Mom’s like, “we don’t need you to talk to us all the time.” There’s that other trope as well, Indian parents are so overbearing. Fine, I talk to my mom literally every day, but she’s my best friend, we have a weird Rory and Lorelai Gilmore relationship. It doesn’t need to be an overbearing relationship.

What has your experience been like regarding the stereotype of Asian parents being overbearing, and their career expectations for their children?

I think that’s so important to talk about. First of all, I’m super nerdy, I love science. Tomorrow night, I’m really excited because I’m gonna stay home and make educational posters about epidemiology because I love making posters and I think I wanna become an epidemiologist. So I wasn’t a rebel at all, I literally had my first drink in college, so my parents didn’t have a lot on their hands. They didn’t have to betray their Indianness by raising me to be a certain way. But also I’m an artist. When I said I wanted to have the art exhibition, they were the happiest for me, they’ve been wanting me to do this for ages, and they just loved it so much and they were there through the whole thing.

My Mom’s like my momager, and my sister and my dad were both so supportive. My mom wants to do it again in other places in India, they love so much that I’m an artist and they love that my sister’s a writer. We’re both really creative. Neither one of us is studying medicine or engineering, my sister’s doing political science and I want to go into public health, they’re completely fine with that. My Dad has always said to my sister and I, you can do whatever you want, but don’t get married until you’re financially independent and you can provide the kind of lifestyle for yourself that you have right now. That’s the only thing that he wants for us, to not be dependent on another dude.

I just remember when I was six and my sister was around 11 in Thailand, he used to love to quiz us with this giant encyclopaedia textbook. He’d cheat and whisper the answer to me, but I learned so much and my sister learned so much, and we had this healthy competition for academics going. It wasn’t like, which one of you looks prettiest in this dress? We both value beauty and we both wanna feel beautiful, but we were really encouraged to be smart and to be good at school. And it’s cool to talk about things that are smart, and you don’t need to shy away from it because you’re a woman, or because you’re Indian, you know?

Go follow Yash on Instagram at @kaalikali24.

Interview by Amy Ni and Elaine Lo

[lmmag]

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[thebonescollection]

A friend of mine recommended I watch this Q&A episode and although I've only watched a few minutes yet, it is absolutely excellent. 

[brownwhiteandblue]

Often, standing in a corner of the asphalt yard, I would think, There has been a mistake. I am good at cricket. I am good at marbles. I am not the sort of boy who is pushed around.